So, if there was ever a zombie invasion like in Dawn of the Dead, what would you do and where would you go? Kill anybody that would try to come with you? Perform experiments to cure the undead? WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

4/16/2005 1:46:16 AM

eat brains

4/16/2005 1:48:25 AM

not post a thread about it. more food for me. n00b.

4/16/2005 1:48:28 AM

The sad thing is, I just wrote an article on this subject a few days ago.

Some excerpts:

Quote :

"Living at college has both advantages and disadvantages for withstanding a zombie assault. On the plus side, supplies are close at hand -- C-stores, cafeterias, nearby stores and restuarants, and other rooms will all provide food and water for quite a while, and you can get to them with relative ease. The bad news is that you live in a densely populated area that will be teeming with zombies, and you probably won't have a lot of quality weapons."

Quote :

"But like I said, I'm gonna focus on the college scenario. First thing is to secure as large a physical area as is possible. A dorm would work, especially one like mine with a C-store built in. Dormitories are built with some security measures in mind, so the doors have good locks and small and/or shatterproof windows. The individual room windows are often too high up for a zombie to access, and there's plenty of furniture around to blockade them with anyways. The upper floors and basement are all butter -- even a sprinter won't get up there. The people you chose to share your fortress are something of a concern. Obviously, anyone who might have some potentially latent zombification going on is right out, so I'm afraid anyone with open wounds or sperm all over their face is right out. Then you've got to consider the hard truth: your supplies are limited, and the more people sharing them, the more so they will become. You can't just let in hardcore fighting guys, because when all's said and done the propogation of the human race will not be well-served by all the buttfucking they (and you) are relegated to doing. On the other extreme, a cadre of nothing but good-looking women will be fun until the zombies bust into the room and then onto your face. What you need, then, is a balance of skillsets. Have some people whose only ostensible purpose is to fight zombies. Have some technical experts -- you'll need handy people to build traps, weapons, and vehicles (more on that later). Obviously you'll want as many women as possible to maximize your speed at rebuilding humanity later. In the words of Dr. Strangelove, "Unfortunately the concept of monogamy would have to be abandoned." "

The whole thing is quite a bit longer.

4/16/2005 1:50:12 AM

^i'd like to see the whole article, please.

4/16/2005 1:52:39 AM

I would be like wtf ! and go into hibernation mode.

4/16/2005 1:52:59 AM

Normally I refrain from posting big things because you folks don't like words. But there was a request, so here you go:

Quote :

"Though the details on how the zombies will begin their ascent to dominance is unclear, I am unconcerned with specifics. Whether they are the product of an ill-fated PETA raid on a rage-infected monkey research center, alien parasites, or an inexplicable rising-from-the-dead situation, the basics of zombiology are always about the same. The only important distinction between zombies splits them into two fundamental groups: the shamblers and the sprinters. Shambling zombies are generally the less threatening of the two. They are slow and clumsy, easily outmaneuvered by any healthy person. Only geriatrics and the paralyzed are at risk of succumbing to a shambling zombie in a one-on-one encounter. You'd have to be a real ass to let one get the drop on you, because you'd basically have to back into the thing somehow having gone without hearing its moans and heavy breathing. Shamblers are only a real threat when they come in numbers. Here's the bad news: they always come in numbers. Huge numbers. Zombies like to congregate for reasons beyond my understanding. If you're in the open, you can easily stay away from the gregarious little bastards, but make the mistake of holing up in a house somewhere and you'll eventually be surrounded. Then they'll either starve you out or eventually pound through your barricades with their slow, ill-coordinated bashing. Sprinting zombies are a bit more terrifying, as they will move with incredible speed. Immune to pain and fatigue, the undead of this type will run as fast as a human body is mechanically capable of running for a distance that, while not infinite, surely surpasses your own. Similarly, they will throw themselves at barricades with great energy but no imagination -- a sprinter will attack a shatterproof window all day long trying to get at you until it finally collapses from sheer loss of molecular energy. They will also scale anything which can be scaled, and can leap prodigously. You don't stand a chance against these guys in the open, so it's a better bet to barricade yourself somewhere with a supply of food, water, and ammunition. Both types of zombies have many important features in common: 1.) First, they zombify you by getting their fluids into your bloodstream by any means: biting you, bleeding into a wound or orifice, ejaculating on your face -- any of these things will zombify you. For this reason it is recommended that you refrain from fellating zombies. 2.) Severe trauma to the head is the only sure and fast way to bring a zombie down. Other human organs are basically functionless during zombification. The heart doesn't beat, and the lungs only breathe out of habit to produce wheezing and moaning. Despite rumors, zombies neither say nor crave, "Brains." Though the alimentary canal still functions, it isn't essential to their existence and most zombies will simply forget to eat unless they are rehabilitated. (For details, see "Day of the Dead" or "Shaun of the Dead," in which post-cataclysm zombies are trained to function with humans) Although zombies lack any sort of cognitive ability, they still rely on the reptilian center of the brain to coordinate movement. Severe blunt cranial trauma, decapitation, cerebral punctures -- any will do. But remember -- heads wounds are the ONLY surefire way to kill a zombie. They've been known to chase you after their legs have been blown off, dragging themselves after you with their arms. 3.) They are doggedly determined. Once they discover you, either by sight, sound, or scent, they will pursue you until either they die or you're one of them. 4.) You can outlast them. Zombies will eventually waste away from starvation (see point #2, and also "28 Days Later") As you may have noticed, there are two different appropriate responses for the two different kinds of zombies. So how do you prepare, not knowing whether you'll be facing shamblers or sprinters -- or, in the case of Half-Life 2, both? The sad truth is, you have to prepare for the worst. Assume that shamblers and sprinters alike will be facing you and prepare accordingly. What you'll need, then, is options -- a safehouse in which to stay as long as possible, and a means of escape for if things go wrong. Living at college has both advantages and disadvantages for withstanding a zombie assault. On the plus side, supplies are close at hand -- C-stores, cafeterias, nearby stores and restuarants, and other rooms will all provide food and water for quite a while, and you can get to them with relative ease. The bad news is that you live in a densely populated area that will be teeming with zombies, and you probably won't have a lot of quality weapons. As a counterexample, let's say I'm at my house when zombies strike. It's entirely possible that none of them will ever cross my path -- hardly anybody lives nearby, and like I said, zombies tend to congregate. Rural locales, then, start out safer. Also, I have guns and axes and machetes and a fucking scythe at my house for defense. On the other hand, I don't have months worth of food right there with me, and after the power dies I've got no fresh water in the house. The nearest supplies are miles away, and acquiring them would increase my likelihood of zombie exposure manifold. Once they find me, they're liable to chase me home and hole me up until I starve. But like I said, I'm gonna focus on the college scenario. First thing is to secure as large a physical area as is possible. A dorm would work, especially one like mine with a C-store built in. Dormitories are built with some security measures in mind, so the doors have good locks and small and/or shatterproof windows. The individual room windows are often too high up for a zombie to access, and there's plenty of furniture around to blockade them with anyways. The upper floors and basement are all butter -- even a sprinter won't get up there. The people you chose to share your fortress are something of a concern. Obviously, anyone who might have some potentially latent zombification going on is right out, so I'm afraid anyone with open wounds or sperm all over their face is right out. Then you've got to consider the hard truth: your supplies are limited, and the more people sharing them, the more so they will become. You can't just let in hardcore fighting guys, because when all's said and done the propogation of the human race will not be well-served by all the buttfucking they (and you) are relegated to doing. On the other extreme, a cadre of nothing but good-looking women will be fun until the zombies bust into the room and then onto your face. What you need, then, is a balance of skillsets. Have some people whose only ostensible purpose is to fight zombies. Have some technical experts -- you'll need handy people to build traps, weapons, and vehicles (more on that later). Obviously you'll want as many women as possible to maximize your speed at rebuilding humanity later. In the words of Dr. Strangelove, "Unfortunately the concept of monogamy would have to be abandoned." As a rule of thumb, you'll want a minimum of two girls to every guy. Pick your companions with care -- try to select women with applicable skills (other than making babies). Also, you probably won’t just be able to let in all your friends. Select people who are competent, but, just as importantly, who are loyal to you. So you’ve got your army and you’ve got your fortress. How do you defend it? Some people have suggested razor wire, but in my experience it is of marginal useless. Sure, it’ll tangle up the zombie, but the damn thing will still be alive, and now it’ll be stuck right outside your building. Odds are you won’t have time to set up anything substantial outside of your fortress, so your main goal should be making the building itself impenetrable. Block accessible windows with as much as possible – nail boards over if you can and support that with furniture. They’ll probably break the glass, but they won’t actually make it inside. As a general rule, you’ll want to avoid the first floor altogether if you can. Post your soldiers by stairwells on the second floor instead – if the zombies break through and catch somebody on the ground level, they’ll be easily surrounded, but stairways force the enemy into a bottleneck where you as the defender have an advantage. Of course, you may be required by circumstances to defend the first floor – if essential supplies or a convenient underground escape route are located there, they’ll be high priorities. Remember – once the zombies take a floor, you’re not going to take it back."

4/16/2005 1:55:23 AM

Quote :

"What of weaponry? As stated above, you’re not likely to have access to firearms in a college environment, unless most of the people at your college are black. That was a joke. Please don’t kill me. Anyway, you’ll probably have to fashion most of your weapons out of what’s at hand. Sports equipment is a good place to start – a decent baseball bat can deal leathal blows to the head almost indefinitely. Whiffle bats are somewhat less functional in this regard. Hockey sticks will break after a while, but they carry the advantage of range when they do last – you can strike a zombie in the head from farther away with it than you could with a bat. Range is your friend when fighting zombies – if you’re close enough to strike one with anything shorter than a bat, you’re close enough for the bastard to bite you. Custodian’s closets have mop handles that can work, especially when you properly fix a blade or point at the business end. Common tools will do in a pinch – a hammer is better than a bare fist. If you’re really lucky, you’ll have the opportunity to access treasure troves of arms, like gymnasiums. In addition to all manner of bats and sticks, many colleges have archery programs – a simple field point launched from a recurve bow will pierce a human skull and, subsequently, a zombie’s brain. The bars used in free weights are durable and heavy and long, and as such represent the pinnacle of melee weapons you’ll probably find on a college campus. In combat against zombies, your strategy should be as follows: 1) Try to keep the damn things out. 2) If there’s a breach, seal it before more than a couple can get in. Kill the ones that do. 3) If a whole shitload of the bastards gets in, force them into a bottleneck (stairwells, narrow halls – a confined space, but one from which you can escape – DO NOT BE CORNERED!), and beat the ever-loving bejesus out of them. 4) Kill sprinters first, shamblers second. 5) If defeat is imminent, retreat and seal off the contaminated area. No matter your success in the above areas, you are, in all likelihood, just buying time – eventually, they will break through, or you’ll run out of supplies. Either way, you need to be able to get out. Zombies prefer areas that humans would normally habitate, so you’re probably safe in underground escape venues like sewers or, in my school’s case, the steam tunnels. Ideally you should scout these places out before you’re forced to use them. Probably your best bet, though, is to have an armored vehicle. I don’t mean a tank. An average station wagon, van, or bus can be armored with relative ease, as long as you have a place to work on it. This is a disadvantage to dorms – unless you have unusually wide halls or a large entry room, you’re probably not going to be able to get a car in the place. For this reason, I reiterate that gymnasiums have significant advantages. Even an unarmored car is relatively safe – their windows are thick and hard to break with mere zombiesque slaps, and the enemy can’t open doors. The problem is that you’ll inevitably crash into something eventually, and then your windows will be broken, and then you’ll be fucked. As with buildings, you should board up as many windows as possible. Obviously, you’ll need a way to see out the bloody thing, but you won’t need the WHOLE windshield – remember that traffic isn’t an issue anymore, so you can afford to reduce visibility substantially. Here razor wire might actually be marginally useful, as it will keep zombies from ever actually getting onto your vehicle. Ports for weapons to push the damn things off are also advisable, but keep them small. Hopefully you’ll have lasted quite a while by the time you need to evacuate, so you won’t have to run far before the zombies start dying out and you’re safe again. Keep a good week’s supply of food and water in the escape vehicle as a minimum. Also, have a destination in mind. Rural areas and boats are safe destinations. Zombies can’t swim, and they won’t be able to follow you at the speeds you should damn well be travelling. For chrissakes, there’s fucking zombies chasing you, you’d better have the pedal to the metal. A few parting words that I forgot to put elsewhere – you should devote a lot of your free time when you’re holed up (and believe me, you’ll have plenty of it) trying to contact other survivors through whatever means possible. Go ahead and buy an emergency radio for when the zombies come – and it’s a question of “when,” not “if.” Signs, smoke, etc. all work. That said, do not necessarily trust other survivors, especially if they are not as well-prepared as you are. For example, if another camp has no women, they will probably want to take yours, necessitating that at some point they betray and murder you. This is an undesirable end. No matter what you hear, no government-established safehouse is, in fact, safe. They are always overrun, without exception. Don’t even bother. Now that I’ve equipped you with a little basic knowledge about what to do in the event of impending zombie attack, I hope you will take the time to prepare for the worst. When the zombies come, I don’t want to hear any of you saying, “Ian, you didn’t tell us, and that’s why now we’re covered in zombie sperm and trying to eat your brains.""

4/16/2005 1:55:48 AM

i'd get some guns and go downtown to one of the high rise office buildings, and snipe me some zombies.

4/16/2005 1:56:30 AM

Office buildings would be almost impossible to secure -- too tall. Shoot for something more manageable.

4/16/2005 1:58:55 AM

^genius. We need more. More info man--this stuff could happen tomorrow. It's in the air.

4/16/2005 1:59:33 AM

this is the kind of shit i want to read in the technician

[Edited on April 16, 2005 at 2:01 AM. Reason : because it's very important subject matter]

4/16/2005 2:00:42 AM

i'd go find snewf and have him protect me

he's been planning for this shit for years

4/16/2005 2:01:31 AM

The Technician and other newspapers are reluctant to run zombie-related stories because the government has been supressing discussion of the matter for years. I've been writing a letter a day to my congressman for years beggin for the zombie monkey research centers to be closed down, or for ecoterrorism to be punishable by death, whichever was more convenient.

4/16/2005 2:02:29 AM

yeah, I think a Zombie column in the Technician would be awesome

4/16/2005 2:02:57 AM

maybe the pirate captain can help rectify the situation concerning the absence of zombie awareness and education

4/16/2005 2:04:30 AM

contact FroshKiller

go from there

4/16/2005 2:06:42 AM

i think the Pirate Captain would lead the charge against the zombies actually. I can see him like on a van shooting a sawed-off shotgun while a group of rag-tag students, faculty, and housekeeping stuff cover his back.

4/16/2005 2:06:51 AM

Quote :

"Office buildings would be almost impossible to secure -- too tall. Shoot for something more manageable."

unless zombies have recently obtained air power, i think the BB&T building would be one of the safer locations.... either that or the tall round hotel. just shore up the stairs and you would be fine.

4/16/2005 2:06:59 AM

First, it's so damn hard to make sure no zombies get into the building before you seal it -- and after that, you're stuck there with them.

Second, if one does manage to get in, it'll be damn near impossible to know where in the building is safe.

Third, you're gonna need to eat eventually, and if an office building does have a cafeteria area it's probably on one of the lower -- and thus more dangerous -- floors.

Fourth, there isn't really any advantage to extreme height. Once you're above ground level you're good to go.

Fifth, unless you happen to be in the building when the zombies attack, you won't have time to get there and fortify it.

4/16/2005 2:09:53 AM

i guess i'd just stay at my apartment then, and wait for george w bush to do something about it.

i'd probably lock the door or something.

4/16/2005 2:11:11 AM

GW Bush hasn't done nearly enough to prepare america for a zombie invasion. We need a dept. of zombie defense.

4/16/2005 2:15:24 AM

my first stop would be wal-mart

4/16/2005 2:16:08 AM

Quote :

"Superman GW Bush hasn't done nearly enough to prepare america for a zombie invasion. We need a dept. of zombie defense."

They'll just reccommend duct tape. We can't leave stuff like this up to our government.

4/16/2005 2:17:13 AM

You see, zombies have a direct correlation with the ineffetiveness of the Grand Ol' Partay. NEVER ONCE DID DUBYA MENTION THE UNDEAD IN HIS CAMPAIGN. HOW CAN HE IGNORE THIS POSSIBILITY WHEN WE HAVE A ZOMBIE CRISIS IN SOUTHWESTERN CALIFORNIA? KERRY WOULD HAD SOUGHT CIVIL UNIONS BETWEEN THE LIVING AND THE CANNIBAL REANIMATE

4/16/2005 2:20:47 AM

It's a pity that wal-marts would be so hard to defend; otherwise, they'd be perfect.

4/16/2005 2:22:41 AM

well i need to go there to get guns and other supplies

4/16/2005 2:23:46 AM

WHAT ARE YOU MISSING HERE PEOPLE? ARE MY WORDS NOT COMING OUT OF THE RIGHT ORIFICE? LISTEN UP PEOPLE. WE HAVE A PROBLEM. ZOMBIES ARE LOOSE! MEN YOU ARE SET FREE!!!

4/16/2005 2:24:35 AM

and a traffic cone and a velociraptor

4/16/2005 2:24:46 AM

See, the problem is that you may not have time to swing by the store after things go to shit. That's why I've stocked up already.

4/16/2005 2:27:10 AM

i think the best place to defend that i can get to fast would probably be a movie theater

4/16/2005 2:29:59 AM

I like the dorm idea. I have laid in bed many nights thinking about what i would do if a zombie invasion broke out. A Hall style dorm building would be awesome as a defence.... as long as there is a food supply.

Best bet: A jet pack with infinate fuel

[Edited on April 16, 2005 at 2:33 AM. Reason : ]

4/16/2005 2:32:48 AM

See, I'm in Syme, so there's a shitload of food (albeit not necessarily nutritious food) in the actual building, real close at hand. Even if you don't have a C-store, taking food from abandoned rooms should last you a while.

4/16/2005 2:37:11 AM

I think Harrelson would be fun to defend (needs food)

4/16/2005 2:38:06 AM

i'd want something more solid than a 60 year old brick building

ideally a bunker or something

4/16/2005 2:38:36 AM

I dunno, Harrelson'd be tough. You can't block off most of the stairs at ground level, meaning you'd basically have to seal off every single door. Doable, but hardly preferable.

Besides, who the fuck wants to be stuck in Harrelson? If you're in the brickyard, DH Hill is the way to go. I could defend that bitch from the fucking German army.

4/16/2005 2:39:20 AM

I'll just hide under my bed with a can of pringles and a beer

4/16/2005 2:40:47 AM

i'd probably head to lake raleigh and row out in a boat to the middle of it

i'm fat, i can survive for a few weeks without eating

and i have all the lake water i can drink

4/16/2005 2:42:14 AM

Middle of a lake definitely works if you've got the time to get to it, just take out a spare boat loaded with supplies and throw a tarp over you to prevent exposure and you'd probably be good to go.

4/16/2005 2:43:04 AM

^^Zombies probably originated by drinking Lake Raleigh's lake water


Best place on campus to defend: top floor, in a suite, of one of the tri towers. Zombies can't work elevators, and would die trying to walk up a million flights of stairs

[Edited on April 16, 2005 at 2:45 AM. Reason : ]

4/16/2005 2:44:34 AM

imma tell you right now if a horde just showed up out of nowhere i'd be fucked

if i have a few hours to work with before things get bad i'd be straight

4/16/2005 2:44:45 AM

i dont liek fast zomvies, id cry

4/16/2005 2:45:21 AM

^ you can be one of the girls we use to make babies

4/16/2005 2:46:26 AM

wow i cant spell for shit haha

4/16/2005 2:46:54 AM

oh snap

i think the post office building down lake dam would be ideally suited

4/16/2005 2:47:13 AM

^I've never seen it, how do you figure?

Basically the top floor of any building is pretty good, unless it has an inordinate number of stairs. But don't underestimate their climbing ability -- they'll make you regret it every time.

The only real difference between hall and suite style dorms is in an Alamo situation, where you're backed down to one last line of defence -- then a suite would be best. Otherwise it's pretty irrelevant.

And yeah, very, very few people would be ready to handle a spontaneous horde. But as long as you're aware of them before they're right on top of you, a lot of the work can be improvised as you go.

[Edited on April 16, 2005 at 2:48 AM. Reason : ]

4/16/2005 2:47:41 AM

i didnt read this thread, but um word

4/16/2005 2:48:43 AM

Look, someone's got to produce the next generation to rebuilt humanity. Ergo, we need women. As long as you're not big on male monogamy and you're fertile, you qualify.

4/16/2005 2:49:37 AM

A destroyer ship!!! Nuke the bitches from sea. YAY!

...

Now u have radioactive zombies
Fuck

4/16/2005 2:49:39 AM

i'm just kidding, i sure as fuck wouldn't stay here if zombies hit

i'd go to walmart, get some shotties and food, then drive east, steal a boat, drop anchor a mile or so off the coast, and wait it out

[Edited on April 16, 2005 at 2:50 AM. Reason : the post office building is just basically a concrete brick... easy to hole up in]

4/16/2005 2:49:45 AM