In marriage?

With the way that movies/tv shows make it seem so accepted these days, have you ever been concerned that if you yourself were to enter into marriage, you would need to be worried about possibly having to deal with that? Because really, after about 10 years of marriage, what makes you think you'll still be/the other person will still be completely into the relationship?

10/30/2005 1:01:29 AM

there're no guarantees.

10/30/2005 1:08:26 AM

well after 3 years in a relationship, i realize that there are no guarantees and making it really last takes a lot of work.

10/30/2005 1:12:20 AM

if only there were some higher power that people could make a vow before, and to, that would state how sacred their bond is


hmmmmmmmhhhh

10/30/2005 1:12:26 AM

^yeah, not to mention the fact that you should have enough respect for your spouse, and even you somehow lose that, enough respect for yourself to do the right thing that you shouldn't even NEED to want to uphold a vow before God.


i worry a little about getting cheated on...worry more about getting divorced. the odds aren't good at all. also don't like the idea of a pre-nup on principle, and would feel uncomfortable as hell even bringing up the subject with a girl i was about to marry, but i'd be scared not to have one, too. that would suck to have someone run off with all of your stuff.

i also worry that i'll never get married at all. at some point, that would actually really suck.

10/30/2005 1:52:58 AM

Are you watching TNT?

10/30/2005 1:34:05 AM

i knew that goddman rabbit was stealing my Trix, i just couldn't prove it at the time.

i mean he talked about it, but i never pegged him as the type to actually like fruity cereal...

10/30/2005 1:40:15 AM

i guess it really boils down to whether or not the person you are in love with loves you in the same way. When you begin to worry that you love the person more than they love you, i guess that is when you begin to worry. Or when the person you are with just doesnt pay the same attention to you emotionally/physically/sexually that they used to then the worrying can begin. It just sucks when in your mind you have to begin to question it because then your mind just runs wild.

10/30/2005 3:56:26 AM

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"need to be worried about possibly having to deal with that? Because really, after about 10 years of marriage"

Keeping an open mind and communicating with said spouse/partner. If the sex life isn't good, probably need to talk about it and figure out a way to improve it.

Quote :

"worry more about getting divorced"

Agree with this. Relationship ending b/c of the sex life is one thing ... relationship ending because love isn't there anymore is another thing.

10/30/2005 7:17:23 AM

"worry more about getting divorced"

^ I think he meant from a financial stand point. Bitch aint getting no cheese

10/30/2005 8:38:11 AM

No, I don't. Here's how I look at it...

Every night, she has two options...she can screw around on me or she can fall asleep in my arms. I refuse to spend my time worrying about whether or not she would cheat on me because it is completely out of my control. If she's going to cheat, she's going to cheat...and there's not a damn thing that I can do about it.

Most of all, if she would cheat, then I wouldn't want to be with her anyway. Spending my time trying to catch someone slipping or waiting for something bad to happen just isn't the type of life that I want to live.

10/30/2005 8:43:10 AM

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"also don't like the idea of a pre-nup on principle, and would feel uncomfortable as hell even bringing up the subject with a girl i was about to marry, but i'd be scared not to have one, too. that would suck to have someone run off with all of your stuff. "

I feel for you. If I were in your position discussing this would be incredibly awkward. I'm going to get one anyway because I want it clear that I only want my husband's time, blood, and soul. Nothing else. But in the case of infidelity the cheated spouse should take the other for all he or she is worth and the pre-nup should reflect that.

That said I'm not worried about being cheated on. But I think there's more to it than just a choice of whether to do it. If both partners aren't both contributing to the relationship one person may feel driven away from the commitment by the other person's lack of zeal. Emotional (and other kinds of) neglect can contribute to an affair, be it emotional or physical.

I have a question for guys-- do you think the alleged need to try out all 31 flavors can endanger your marriage? (I would be OK with wearing wigs.)

10/30/2005 9:41:04 AM

After his 2nd failed marraige, my only boss said "I not getting married again. I can save a lot of frustration by finding a bitch I don't like every 15 years and just giving her half my shit."

10/30/2005 9:50:39 AM

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"I only want my husband's time, blood, and soul."

that is incredibly romantic ♥

10/30/2005 6:14:29 PM

Why worry about it?

For one, I trust my wife completely. Secondly, as was said before, it's out of my control, and worrying about it will do no good at all.

Of course most people who have trust issues and a low self-esteem worry about this shit constantly and subsequently become controlling, which will probably drive their significant other or spouse to leave or cheat anyway. People are fucking stupid.

10/30/2005 6:47:42 PM

like everything in life it either will happen or it wont. You can do things to encourage or discourage your chances, but mostly its out of your control. However I am firmly convinced that anyone that comes to this or any other internet message board for relationship advice is shit out of luck, and should reconsider their options (like maybe you are destined to live alone).

10/30/2005 6:58:31 PM

just cheat first, that way you beat them to it and get it over with

10/30/2005 7:28:09 PM

you never need to worry about being cheated on if you always cheat, and cheat first

10/30/2005 7:55:54 PM

^^&^ haha

[Edited on October 30, 2005 at 9:15 PM. Reason : caret]

10/30/2005 9:15:05 PM

I do believe that most people have some kind of insecurity about this, because the committment level of marriages have been disgraced fully in the past 50 years. People def need to understand what they are doing when they get married, don't just jump into something bc you both are emotional. People need to be confident of their decision. Know the person, not fully, but know to be confident.

Don't force marriage if you have a baby first. Don't force marriage bc you don't want to be alone. Don't force marriage bc it is the right thing to do. These are the wrong reasons to commit and then there is the cheat, bc one or both feel trapped.

Love is mixed in with friendship, but similar interest, committment, and communication is what makes marriages last and help keep the cheating factor down.

PLEASE DON'T MARRY SOMEONE WHO HAS CHEATED ON YOU IN A LESS COMMITTED REALTIONSHIP!!!

10/30/2005 11:39:25 PM

maybe this sounds bad....if you're worried about them cheating on you, one of two things is wrong:

1. you're either worried for nothing in which case you've probably got some kind of trust issue in the which you need to ask yourself why you have this issue and work it out.

2. you've actually got cause to be worried (i.e., past experiences or past knowledge of other).

either way...something needs to get fixed.

10/30/2005 11:44:33 PM

Ever see the movie "Unfaithful"? I saw it today on TBS or something and thought it was well done (for the concept, not that I like the outcome).

10/30/2005 11:45:04 PM

you need to see the unedited version of that.

Diane Lane....

got damn.

10/30/2005 11:48:42 PM

I never worried about my wife cheating on me. Not until two months ago, when that reality hit. We didn't even make it to 3 years. It's just like something snapped, and there I was, having to get separated and get the hell outta there.

I always worried about her getting mixed up with people who would take advantage of her gullibility and willingness to trust even the sketchiest of people. Hell, she trusted the sketchy people often more than the decent, trustworthy ones. She's always identified with the outcasts and whatnot; maybe a piss in the face of authority thing (she didn't have much if any authority present in her adolescent/teen years)...

I guess, in retrospect, I shouldn't have gone there. That's not my scene...but I think my scene was too much for her to handle...too much change, though I thought she might like it. I think I thought wrong.

10/30/2005 11:53:16 PM

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"^ I think he meant from a financial stand point. Bitch aint getting no cheese"

i meant from every standpoint. getting divorced is one of the most horrible things i can think of that has a reasonably good chance of happening to me (assuming i get married to begin with).

Secondly, as was said before, it's out of my control, and worrying about it will do no good at all.

Quote :

"Of course most people who have trust issues and a low self-esteem worry about this shit constantly and subsequently become controlling, which will probably drive their significant other or spouse to leave or cheat anyway. People are fucking stupid."

exactly my thoughts. took the words right out of my mouth.

Quote :

"I have a question for guys-- do you think the alleged need to try out all 31 flavors can endanger your marriage? "

nope. i'm already at the point where i've tried all the flavors i need, if the right girl were to come along. furthermore, i don't intend to ever settle down with anyone unless and until i find one awesome enough that i won't want to trade her in for a newer model.

10/31/2005 12:45:22 AM

I figure this: I'm gonna stay in my own socio-economic and moral classes from now on out.

No rescuing no mo'...most folks are in a place 'cuz they like it there. Leave 'em be.

10/31/2005 1:59:08 AM

yeah, i agree.

add "if she has baggage, let some other poor bastard be the one to jump on a grenade and help her sort things out" to that list, too.

10/31/2005 2:14:28 AM

hahaha....hell yeah.

10/31/2005 2:34:49 AM

the unedited version of "Unfaithful" is fucking hot

10/31/2005 1:44:03 PM

Quote :

"I have a question for guys-- do you think the alleged need to try out all 31 flavors can endanger your marriage? (I would be OK with wearing wigs.) "

I actually think that is really hot. Wigs would be a big turn on for me, you could even get more elaborate, for instance on saturday i saw a girl that dressed up like marlyn monroe to a T (I have a big thing for marlyn). I mentioned to my gf how I wanted her to dress up like that sometime, I think that stuff like that can definetly rekindle a spark.....what would be the equivalent though sonia, would putting on a wig and dressing up turn on the girl, or would you want the guy to role play as well?

10/31/2005 1:56:31 PM

While you may not have direct control over whether someone cheats on you, you have direct control on who your spouse is. You never know exactly what someone is going to do, but if they display other major character flaws like a tendency to lie then you're at a higher risk for something like that to happen.

Doing your part to keep the relationship healthy is also going to help you out. Assuming she's clinically sane (and ZXappeal, I don't know your situation but it sounds like your ex was borderline in this area), why would she cheat if she's happy with you? Why would she be unhappy unless you two didn't do what you had to do keep the love alive?

IMO the biggest killer of relationships is resentment. That's why when your girl dumps you, it seems like she's exploding over some stupid shit--or that all the conflicts came out of nowhere. It didn't come out of nowhere, even though it seems like everything was fine for the longest time. In fact, It's been building up very slowly in the form of resentment, and when it hits this critical level you can get blindsided with the old "I need my space." As much women complain (rightfully) about men not communicating, they are notorious for holding in whatever bothers them and throwing it in your face later.

10/31/2005 2:47:06 PM

having a guy that constantly thinks you are going to cheat on them is annoying as anything. I have one of those... and it just increases my resentment for him. Occasionally it makes me think "maybe i should 'cheat' since he keeps pushing the issue".
I am the most loyal person you will ever meet... even when I don't like you. it's a problem, really.

10/31/2005 3:05:13 PM

Quote :

"I am the most loyal person you will ever meet"

Quote :

"Occasionally it makes me think "maybe i should 'cheat' since he keeps pushing the issue". "

que?

10/31/2005 5:56:48 PM

Its all about communication, if you are letting your spouse know how you feel, then the chances of one of you cheating on the other is much less likely.

10/31/2005 6:07:40 PM

Quote :

"maybe this sounds bad....if you're worried about them cheating on you, one of two things is wrong: 1. you're either worried for nothing in which case you've probably got some kind of trust issue in the which you need to ask yourself why you have this issue and work it out. 2. you've actually got cause to be worried (i.e., past experiences or past knowledge of other). either way...something needs to get fixed."

pretty much
the guys that ive actually seriously worried about them cheating on me, were either just being sketchy or it turned out that they were cheating on me

i dont plan on marrying someone that i think would cheat on me

but i do feel this way about cheating in a marriage, with or without a prenup:

Quote :

"But in the case of infidelity the cheated spouse should take the other for all he or she is worth and the pre-nup should reflect that."

10/31/2005 7:04:06 PM

Quote :

"IMO the biggest killer of relationships is resentment. That's why when your girl dumps you, it seems like she's exploding over some stupid shit--or that all the conflicts came out of nowhere. It didn't come out of nowhere, even though it seems like everything was fine for the longest time. In fact, It's been building up very slowly in the form of resentment, and when it hits this critical level you can get blindsided with the old "I need my space." As much women complain (rightfully) about men not communicating, they are notorious for holding in whatever bothers them and throwing it in your face later."

That's for darn sure.

10/31/2005 9:41:56 PM

if you need a pre-nup you shouldn't get married to begin with. That just means that you don't trust them and that you plan for something bad to happen.

honestly... if you need a pre-nup, just live with them, don't get married. Keep everything seperate (accounts, bills, etc). Don't bother with the marriage because your adding a lot of unnecessary bs to it. I would be so offended if someone asked me for a pre-nup. If you think your woman/man is a money grubbing whore... guess what, you shouldn't marry them!

11/1/2005 7:55:56 AM

^ That's an awfully naive thing to say. That's like saying you won't wear your seatbelt when your spouse drives because you trust them completely and don't plan to get in any trouble whatsoever. If you think a prenup is capable of planting the seeds of divorce, there are bigger problems in the relationship. Resentment over a prenup is merely a symptom of that. THAT is the issue that needs to be addressed-- not the prenup.

You're not marrying the person you love for their money, property, or assets anyway.

11/1/2005 9:04:52 AM

a prenup isn't to cover your ass from the person you're marrying.

it's to cover your ass from who he/she might become.


and yeah, i'd feel really bad and awkward even bringing the subject up, but i don't know if i'd be comfortable getting married without one.

11/1/2005 9:36:38 AM

Fortunately my husband and I had been together for six years before marrying and have pretty equal grounds financially so we didn't even consider a prenup. We just feel too comfortable as friends and lovers to have that even in our minds.

11/1/2005 9:41:19 AM

^Same with me and my husband. We were together for 7 years before we got married and neither one of us even makes enough money to necessitate a prenup. There's really not much that could be taken if God-forbid a divorce was to occur.

11/1/2005 11:00:41 AM

most pre-nups are easy to loophole in the end anyways so why bother?

11/1/2005 12:49:59 PM

"having a guy that constantly thinks you are going to cheat on them is annoying as anything. I have one of those... and it just increases my resentment for him. Occasionally it makes me think "maybe i should 'cheat' since he keeps pushing the issue".
I am the most loyal person you will ever meet... even when I don't like you. it's a problem, really."

I'm exactly the same way, and I've even brought it up to my guy before since it's starting to drive me crazy. The thing with us is that we trust each other, but we don't trust each other's acquaintences. On my end, I have nearly all guy friends, and on his, he'll go out to clubs and whatnot where I know the bitches there are less than considerate to a taken man.

Anyway, to answer the question, no, I don't worry about it because that's how much I trust him, and if I didn't trust him that much I wouldn't even be with him. I guess the best advice I could give is to look at the person's history. If they have a history of cheating, even once (even if that once was with you), why should a relationship with you be any different?

About the pre-nup discussion... my dad informed me last night that he's pretty much going to make me get one. While neither of us have much now, I'm probably going to end up with a nice inheritance. Haven't told my guy this yet, so can't relay his response.

11/2/2005 12:02:34 PM

Quote :

"i worry a little about getting cheated on"

- theDuke866

You are worried?

Shouldn't your future wife be worried more, considering your past?

You think that because you have slept with tens of girls and kissed hundreds, you are less likely to cheat.

In fact, it makes you more likely to cheat. And it shows your fleeting and non-committal nature when it comes to being with someone.

11/2/2005 1:01:45 PM