a friend passed and I wanted to send my condolences to her parents. I know flowers are pretty standard but that just seems so out of place to me, like sending a soccor ball to somone who just lost a leg. Also, im not to fond of the idea of a courier knocking on their door with flowers when their daughter just died but i dont want to make them uncomfortable by bringing them over myself. And how long do you wait before sending them?

I dont know, I haven't had any experience with the death thing. Does anyone have any better ideas or experience with when / how to go bout that? and yes, as always the spelling sucks.... I know

6/4/2007 3:21:23 PM

Most of the time, I think people send the flowers to the location of the funeral. At least that's what I/my family have done in the past.

6/4/2007 3:23:05 PM

Most people send the flowers to the funeral home.

Please do that, do not send anything to the home -- this includes food. So many people try to be helpful by sending flowers and food to the home, but the people simply end up overwhelmed by all of it and they have to keep track of everything in order to send thank you notes and return containers etc. instead of dealing with their grief.

If you send flowers to the funeral home, the family will receive the cards that came with the flowers after the funeral in a nice neat pile and most of the flowers will be left at the grave.

6/4/2007 3:28:06 PM

Also check to see if they have set up a donation to a charity in lieu of flowers.

and the food thing? i guess my family has always done that southern hospitality comfort food thing, and it never was an issue. i mean a smart person would put the food in a throw-away container. and someone in the family, not immediate, was usually getting containers back to others that had brought food by. and even those immediately grieving did it...it's why it's called comfort food. meh *shrug* whaddya gonna do?

[Edited on June 4, 2007 at 3:37 PM. Reason : ]

6/4/2007 3:31:36 PM

I disagree.

All the deaths I have known, someone is taking care of things for the family and it makes things easier to have meals delivered for the family and all of the people that are stopping by.

I have also always thought the flowers at the house were a nice gesture.

6/4/2007 3:31:41 PM

Quote :

"but the people simply end up overwhelmed by all of it and they have to keep track of everything in order to send thank you notes and return containers etc. instead of dealing with their grief."

Agreed.

Send it to the funeral home, and make sure that they haven't asked for donations to a charity instead.

When my grandmother died, we requested that donations to a particular charity be made in her name, but there were still a shitton of flowers and plants sent, and DOZENS of those directly to the house.

[Edited on June 4, 2007 at 3:32 PM. Reason : aslkj]

6/4/2007 3:31:57 PM

An overwhelming majority of the people who think that sending food is helpful, haven't personally gone through a death where all of the food was sent to their house.

I've gone through the death of my father, grandfather, and uncle. And lived in the house where all of the food was sent. And had to write down every little thing that came in so that we could send thank you notes later. Most grieving people are not hungry, do not want to eat, find keeping track of who has sent food to be a big hassle, and do not have room for a majority of the stuff that is sent. I come from an enormous family and lots of people came by and we still ate very little of the food and ended up calling and begging people we knew to come over and take it off our hands. The rest was thrown away and the paper products were donated to the church.

The most courteous thing that anyone did along the lines of "taking care of the family" was the church feeding the family by inviting us to all come out to the church on the day of the funeral. We ate there and left. We didn't have to deal with the left overs, the trash, or all of the strange people in our house during our time of grief.

After going through it personally, my family has stopped sending food to people's houses because we realize that it just means more work for the grieving family.

[Edited on June 4, 2007 at 3:53 PM. Reason : .]

6/4/2007 3:47:55 PM

sorry to hear about this.

having said that, it would be hilarious if you sent a bottle of champagne instead of flowers

6/4/2007 3:59:42 PM

send them directly to the funeral home.

6/4/2007 3:59:49 PM

I still disagree, Ive had 4 family deaths and it made it easier to us to have people taking care of the food, etc.


Those people also took care of recording who brought what, who did this, who did that.

All we had to do after the fact was send thank you cards.

To each his own.

6/4/2007 4:09:14 PM

I don't know, I disagree with bottombaby. When my mom died, lots of people brought food and sent flowers to the house and I was in the house where it was all happening and it was nice to not have to worry about food, there was always something there if we wanted to eat, and it was nice to know so many people cared. We were bombarded with stuff and really had no idea that would happen.

I also second the charity idea.

6/4/2007 4:09:27 PM

Maybe the problem is that we received entirely too much because my family is large and we know a lot of people. Our refrigerator was full and the counter tops were full. . .it was enough to feed an army several times over. And when the people who came by to help left, it was left up to me to deal with everything that was left behind. And while in the midst of planning a funeral and taking care of my grandmother, the food was one more thing that I didn't want to deal with.

I think that it's just nicer if your sympathy is expressed in a way that doesn't cause any extra work for anyone, like flowers to the funeral home or money to a charity.

6/4/2007 4:19:48 PM

6/4/2007 4:26:13 PM

thank you so much for all the ideas and sharing your personal experiences

As for bringing flowers to the home this was a childhood friend and i grew up next door to her and her folks so.... it felt a little more correct, guess i was wrong. ANYWAY i dont have any info on a funeral home or a charity. I would much rather do a charity but i haven't heard anything. How long do you typically have to wait to hear this kinda information? Its usually bout a week untill the funeral right?

Also me and some friends were gona get together and dig up old photos, would this be usefull for whatever her parents arrange for the funeral?

6/4/2007 4:45:39 PM

i think in your situation you really can't go wrong being a friend that grew up next door to her for however number of years. and as far as the pictures, i think that would be fabulous.

and there is usually info in the obituary section in the newspaper of your hometown about charities and where to send flowers.

[Edited on June 4, 2007 at 4:55 PM. Reason : ]

6/4/2007 4:54:34 PM

Never really understood giving them cut flowers that will just die and look terrible in a few days. Send them a fruit tree or some kind of potted perennial flower.

6/4/2007 7:09:44 PM

^also a great idea. someone gave us a beautiful potted plant that we put in my aunt's yard and it's unique, so every time it blooms, we're reminded of my mom

6/4/2007 8:32:05 PM

Just as an FYI, please don't give flowers when the family is Jewish...

6/4/2007 8:37:24 PM

Quote :

"^also a great idea. someone gave us a beautiful potted plant that we put in my aunt's yard and it's unique, so every time it blooms, we're reminded of my mom"

I was going to suggest a plant of some sort...if your friend had a favorite flower or something like that you could give her parents one they could either keep in the house or plant in the yard (depending on the plant, etc...) that would remind them of her when it blooms
Sorry to hear about your loss...May she Rest in Peace

6/4/2007 9:27:49 PM

In my death/funeral experiences... the family has always been very grateful for the food provided. Also, if you're close to them... I think going to the house is OK. Sometimes seeing those the deceased was close to helps to bring closure, not increased grief. Cut flowers are beautiful, but if the family knows a lot of people... then sending more of a "house plant" is a great idea. One of our funerals everyone had the idea of sending a "house plant," so there was very little color... and we had so many plants we didn't know what to do with all of them! We were glad that there were atleast enough cut flowers to place in the center to brighten the mood (lots of green-- just made the mausoleum more dreary).

When my uncle died in Iraq, they did a powerpoint slide show of pictures... I think that was the best (and most touching) thing I have EVER seen done at a funeral. Someone had also made a large scrapbook-ish collage of pictures to put near the entrance for the service... also a great touch. Put some effort into the pictures-- I believe that those would be appreciated more than you can even imagine.

6/4/2007 9:54:50 PM

Quote :

"Its usually bout a week untill the funeral right? "

Sorry for your loss. It varries from 3days to 2 weeks depending on how far the family is spread out.

6/4/2007 11:12:24 PM

send a tree.

6/4/2007 11:25:19 PM

Why not actually help the family?

Maybe pitch in $50 for the funeral cost?

6/5/2007 3:02:37 AM