I figured I would post this in here, because I want to hear from some people who have been in long term relationships, lived with or are married to someone where you both have two totally different lifestyles.

For me, the issue is drug use. I'm in a ltr with someone who is a very frequent pot user, but I don't use at all. I don't necessarily have a problem with him using it, but I don't want to be around it. I'm finding it very hard for both of us to be able to live the way we want to...together. I'm sure I'll end up expanding a lot more later, but for now I'd like to see if anyone else has been in a situation like this and how they've dealt with it, or ended up not being able to.

11/28/2007 11:36:09 AM

My girlfriend of almost three years is a vegetarian. It's not that big of a deal at first, but it it becomes an issue when you think about spending your life with that person. I'll never really look forward to her dinners. She'll never cook a Thanksgiving or Christmas feast that I look forward to as much as my mom's.

Not to mention that she thinks that if we ever have kids they will be vegetarian too. That was one of the first things I ever literally put my foot down about. It got kind of nasty. She said "I guess you won't be having any kids" to which I replied "with you."

It's a relatively trivial thing for the most part, but like your issue it has a definite day to day impact. You really have to decide if you can are willing to live with it because you can't change him.

[Edited on November 28, 2007 at 12:32 PM. Reason : s]

11/28/2007 12:31:12 PM

drug use is fine and all for the single person or casual dater, but i wouldnt put up with long term use in my house either. thats a pretty big issue to be between people and you're gonna have to resolve it (such as, feel free, but not around me in our place). kinda like drinking. having a heavy drinker at home causes a ton of friction for those who do not.

vegetarian issues, like religion or anything else, is more of a compromise so long as your partner isnt an asswipe.

11/28/2007 12:42:12 PM

yeah, you wanna go to jail for (or with) your S.O.? You ready to potentially be around some real shady fuckers? Or, better yet, subject your kids to that sort of stuff?

Nah, drugs are a deal-breaker. i thought this was common sense, but *psh* i guess not.



as far as the vegetarian thing goes... as long as she could deal with the embarrassment of being the only person at the table not chowing down on a turkey leg or some barbecue... i guess it'd be fine.

11/28/2007 1:21:17 PM

what do you mean by frequent pot user? does it affect his goals and accomplishments?

11/28/2007 3:32:47 PM

my wife is kinda a vegetarian (only meat she eats is boneless skinless white meat chicken, no eggs, no pork, no red meat, and she only eats chicken very rarely)

this equates to us very rarely eating the same thing for meals at home. most nights we each prepare our own food for dinner unless i dont want meat. we have been married two and a half years and i can count on one hand the number of times i have cooked a steak or pork at home since we have been married. however, we eat out two to three times a week on average and i almost always eat some form of red meat or pork when we go out. for us, it has not been a real issue.

11/28/2007 3:34:48 PM

11/28/2007 4:04:43 PM

I lived with a girl for a long time who smoked a lot of pot. I didn't, ever. I used to and really had no moral objection to it. She also ate a lot of pills. We were young.

Well, after dating for a long time we decided to get married. That really started bringing things into focus for me and as much as I didn't care about what she did to herself, I started thinking about what it might be like having kids. What it might be like when I can't take her to the company party because she likes to get high every fucking time she left the house.

I dumped her ass and uprgraded multiple times over until I met my wife.

Point being, things that seem like little problems to you now will eventually culminate in an unbearable situation. Get out and move on with your life.

PS - the girl i dumped eventually ended up cleaning up her life a lot, or so i hear, so it ended up being good for both of us

[Edited on November 28, 2007 at 5:21 PM. Reason : lkjbh]

11/28/2007 5:21:09 PM

Yeah, you guys are dead on. To be clear, I've always had a strict no drugs policy on the people I date - not because I have a problem with it, but because it's a choice I don't make, so why bring on all the added drama?But, when I met my guy, I knew that he had smoked in the past, but had stopped a few months before. A little over a year into the relationship, he decided to get back into it - mainly because he got back in contact with the people he used to do that with. Any other time I would have walked - but being a good year into the relationship and all else being perfect I always said "I'll try".

However, his use isn't "recreational" or only around friends as I've found out over another year and a half. He says he smokes just a spark a few times a day. Which, I don't use so I don't really know what that means. And I get into the whole "If I say I love you, I should be able to accept you for who you are, right?" mindfuck. I know a lot of successful functioning people who use, so I often think there's a way to make this work - but I don't see a way other than a full compromise on my part. He doesn't understand that I just choose not to be around it - he thinks I'm some DARE kid or something and I don't get it.

Long story short, the longer we've stayed together, the harder this issue becomes to deal with. I'm so sick of thinking about pot,when I don't use it! He has no intentions of stopping, I have no intentions of starting, so on paper it seems like the logical decision to walk. It's fine now - but I don't want to live with it and potentially be put at risk - not only from the legal aspect, but having kids or guests or anything else. Like Axl said - I don't want to be around shady fuckers either. Or have dealers knowing where I live, etc. That one issue aside, I'd marry him with no qualms. But, what do pot smokers do? Marry other pot smokers?

11/28/2007 9:36:37 PM

Oh - and to answer Sparky - I'm not sure if it affects his goals and accomplishments. He's never been a real go-getter. Think Dupree here. But - he's incredibly bright, and is back in school for his Bachelors (finally) with a year to go. He's been doing really well. I like to think he'll stop when he's out of school and has a "real" job, but I'm not sure I should make that assumption.

He's ADD and was on Ritalin for years as a kid - so he hates the idea of prescription medication to handle it. Which is his reasoning for smoking - he says it slows his mind down to help him concentrate. I'm not sure I buy that.

11/28/2007 9:44:58 PM

you need to drop that zero and get you a hero, girl

SHANIQUA FOR THE WIN!!!!!!!!

11/28/2007 11:11:29 PM

boy i hate the idea of using prescription medicine to fix a problem that i ACTUALLY FUCKING HAVE. these illegal drugs are a much better solution...probably cuz i enjoy them so much.

11/29/2007 12:24:45 AM

I dated a girl that didn't drink (non-moral/religious reasons) and it was sweet because she could designated drive me everywhere

11/29/2007 8:15:09 AM

I dated a girl that didn't have a libido.


It sucked.

11/29/2007 8:26:11 AM

^^^

nailed it.

11/29/2007 8:41:39 AM

^^ I'm dealing with this one right now.

11/29/2007 9:05:40 AM

drugs are a deal-breaker....as is unchecked alcohol abuse and smoking a ton of cigs.

its one thing to put up with that stuff as a fling. its another to put up with it forever, in your house, in your face everyday.

if he loves you he will choose you over the pot and go get the legal, prescribed medicine that he needs. if he doesnt, you are probably better off.

11/29/2007 9:22:54 AM

Quote :

"I'm dealing with this one right now."

Don't put up with it. It leads you to be extremely unhappy and it probably stems from her having severe issues that you DON'T want to deal with.

11/29/2007 9:35:25 AM

Quote :

"I dated a girl that didn't have a libido. It sucked."

it was the first one so it didnt fuck me up too bad because i didnt know any better

i just hate how dating is like shooting blindly

you have to just do one, figure out what you like/dislike, and start the iterations to get what you really want

11/29/2007 9:59:33 AM

Quote :

"if he loves you he will choose you over the pot and go get the legal, prescribed medicine that he needs. if he doesnt, you are probably better off."

So, would it be fair at this point to ask him to choose? Lay out the parameters, state where I'm willing to compromise, and put the ball in his court? At this point, you're right. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't truly want to be with me.

11/29/2007 1:46:35 PM

If my chick was a pot smoker i wouldn't give a shit.

If she was shootin up heroin then that is a deal breaker

11/29/2007 3:34:06 PM

^^ Depending on your terms, I'd say you better be 100% ready for the consequences of giving such an ultimatum. If it's that important to you then by all means go for it, just don't be surprised if he chooses pot over you.

11/29/2007 4:05:10 PM

Quote :

"If my chick was a pot smoker i wouldn't give a shit."

What about if you were married and thinking of having kids. Would that change your thoughts at all?

11/29/2007 4:30:37 PM

here's the thing... unless you're one of the very few lucky people in the world, you're always going to find something that you don't like with the person you're dating. when it comes to marriage, you should realize what those are and accept them. otherwise, you're probably going to become another statistic.

is smoking weed that important to you? yes? then move on and find someone else. you have to measure it against all the other qualities you want in your future spouse. what happens if it was "i like to sleep around. it slows my mind down so i can concentrate." would you want to marry someone knowing that he's just jumping from bed to bed? most likely not, and you would walk without any hesitation. the issue really distills down to whether or not you want to accept him or her for who they are, etc. if you accept it, then stop thinking about it. it seems pretty obvious that you're confused about whether or not it's something you're willing to accept, and that's understandable. but, people do change. it's called maturity. how many of our parents smoked pot in the 60s/70s? and do they do that now? and having kids usually cause people to grow up real fast. i'm not saying that the solution is to have a kid with him so he stops smoking, but you get the point.

my girlfriend doesn't drink that much, and although i'm not downing beers like i used to, it was something that i was "worried" about when we first started dating. now? i couldn't care less. i'm not saying that you'll change your opinion about him smoking, but it's a possibility as well. for me, a huge deal breaker is that i didn't want to marry a prototypical housewife (nothing wrong with that, it's just not my cup of tea). she's a professional now, but maybe in a couple years things will change. am i going to walk out because of that? probably not, and i think it's because we have a good relationship built on trust and mutual respect.

for her, she hates smokers (the cancer stick kind). she's fairly indifferent to pot, but doesn't want to see it. and although i didn't quit immediately, she was willing to accept it to a certain degree (not in the house, not in front of kids, not in front of her); basically, only when im hanging with the guys. it sounds pretty similar to your situation, and if he's willing to respect your boundaries, you won't have to deal with it. if he's not, then well, a long talk about how to compromise on the issue may be in order.

as for unsavory characters, drug dealers, and other concerns related to pot, i doubt any mature adult would want to subject their own children to those things. i know plenty of successful parents that smoke, and their kids only found out after they had gone to college, etc. so it's definitely doable. but honestly, have you seen these drug dealers, unsavory characters, guns, needles, weapons of mass destruction? i'm not condoning breaking the law, but am only questioning the real "dangers" of smoking weed on a casual basis. and before people flame me about smoking EVERYDAY not being casual, i would argue that many responsible adults have a glass of wine or two with dinner every night and are not alcoholics. it's about moderation, and i am assuming from your posts that he's not high 24/7, but does like to smoke on a daily basis. and as far as it being something that helps his ADD, it's commonly known in the medical community that the drugs of choice for people with ADD are caffeine, nicotine, and marijuana because they alleviate some of the affects. hope this helps.

11/29/2007 4:55:25 PM

Quote :

"But, what do pot smokers do? Marry other pot smokers?"

Quit smoking

I mean when I used to smoke a lot I dated chicks who smoked a lot and I also dated chicks who didn't even drink...in one sense I would try and keep it away from the non smoker ladies...they knew I smoked, but I basically did it on my own time...but it was also pretty easy to separate because we weren't living together

but honestly unless you both smoke, I think the smoker has to quit or at minimum cut WAY back...and by cut way back, I mean smoke like a few times a year...if your man is willing to take an everyday thing and limit it to a handful of times a year I think you should stick with him...if not...well do what you gotta do

11/29/2007 4:58:46 PM

Noone is telling you anything you don't already know.

11/29/2007 5:38:50 PM

I'm really happy with the discussion - thanks y'all.

dyson brought up some excellent points about maturity and growing out of things. And yeah, I know a lot of these things and have thought it through - but I get hung up on the "what if he changes" point. And, there's always going to be something. I'd much rather have this to deal with than a cheater or someone who thinks I should be in the kitchen.

My only real problem with it is in the long term, but I don't know if he'll change. It's a hard decision to make - do you walk nor or potentially end up 30 and starting over? I know it's not the end of the world, but it's what I think about.

I bring it all up because I take marriage seriously, and I want to make a good decision, with my head AND my heart. So hearing from others who have been there or know what marriage is like, definitely helps. Thanks - keep it coming!

11/29/2007 5:49:51 PM

Quote :

"you need to drop that zero and get you a hero, girl"

do you not watch daytime network television?

11/29/2007 6:01:56 PM

At one point in my life I would semi-regularly smoke pot, but it's been a long time and now I just have no desire to do so anymore. I would probably avoid someone who did it more than once a month just to not have to deal with complications.

Having said that, back when I did smoke, I started dating this girl who said she had no problem with it. I made it clear that I enjoyed it and didn't want it to cause problems so maybe we shouldn't date if it was going to be a problem. Well, about 2 months into it she asked me to quit and it just pissed me off because it was the complete opposite. I was honest about it, why couldn't she be the same way.

Anyway, if you're posting in Old School, it's probably far enough into life that pot should not be in any control of your decisions. If it is, take a step back and look at the big picture.

11/29/2007 7:59:43 PM

Quote :

"So, would it be fair at this point to ask him to choose? Lay out the parameters, state where I'm willing to compromise, and put the ball in his court? At this point, you're right. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't truly want to be with me. "

if it really bothers you, yes.

11/29/2007 8:56:49 PM

Quote :

"So, would it be fair at this point to ask him to choose?"

Only if you intend to follow through with it.

11/29/2007 9:36:20 PM

I have no usefull input. But...

Quote :

"I dated a girl that didn't have a libido. It sucked. "

Did she not have a libido or did you just not put any effort into turning her on?

11/29/2007 10:02:43 PM

i think the major underlying hurdle when making any long term commitment is the fear of the unknown. you don't know if he'll change. who knows, you might change. one way to deal with this is to honestly and objectively determine if you think he will change and weigh your result against how much you really want to stay with him. the easiest way to deal with this is to assume he won't change and determine if you could be with him.

marriage is something that's important and it is something that should be taken seriously. with that being said though, we have to face realities and understand that not everything will work out the way we plan. i think mature couples understand that tough times will inevitably arise, but that it's their respect and love for each other that will get them through those times. what is marriage besides a commitment to do just that?

do you know how he feels about smoking in front of his own kids? do you know how he feels about the possibilities of getting you in trouble with the law by possessing drugs in your shared household?

on the flipside, can you tell when he's smoked? i know a lot of people that don't smoke and just cannot tell the difference. when you say you don't want to be "around it", do you mean the actual act of smoking or when he's high? has he brought home "shady characters"? does he care about smoking in front of you, or does he smoke away from you and just spend time with you after he's smoked? does he care about other people's perceptions about him smoking? You mention you worry about him being around "guests". would he be the type of person to pull out a bong in front of your parents and say fuck it?

and also, you said that he smokes a "spark a couple times a day." this could mean a lot of things. a couple, as in twice a day, isn't that bad. but if he's lighting up a bowl every other hour, i really wonder how he can function at anything that requires any amount of critical thinking.

11/29/2007 10:43:37 PM

Quote :

"do you know how he feels about smoking in front of his own kids? "

He states that he wouldn't smoke in front of them or around them. But that he wouldn't want to give them a negative impression of drugs, whatever that means. My main concern there is something I'm not educated on - if there are any affects on childs development or anything like that. Or wether he could be responsible for a child if he's high. I just don't know enough about it - but it just seems irresponsible to me. It's also speculation. Beyond that - I don't want him getting a rap either. Even a charge can keep him from getting a job. I'm not trying to bail someone out of jail either.

Quote :

"do you know how he feels about the possibilities of getting you in trouble with the law by possessing drugs in your shared household? on the flipside, can you tell when he's smoked? i know a lot of people that don't smoke and just cannot tell the difference. "

Rarely. Sometimes I smell it on his breath or he seems different (or has no sex drive) or his eyes are glazed and I think I know, but I'm never really sure.

I thought he understood the implications of me possibly getting in trouble with the law. But, as I'll say again below, I found out that he's had it in his car when I've specifically stated I don't want to be put at risk. His response is that he never has enough for a felony, nothing will happen to me etc. But I have a lot more to lose than he does, and I'm not trying to get in trouble for something I don't even do. I don't know if being around it or breathing it can put it in my system? Either way, I don't want to be at risk. Or ride with someone who drives while high. I'm an adult, give me the courtesy to make my own decisions. As far as living together, he says that he wants to be able to do what he wants in his home. Well, so do I.

Quote :

"when you say you don't want to be "around it", do you mean the actual act of smoking or when he's high? "

I don't want to be around it because of the potential legal implecations. I prefer not to be around it when people smoke, because since I don't - it's always pretty awkward. I imagine it would be more awkward to just sit next to him toking up I suppose. I don't want to be around him when he's high, because I just don't see why he needs to be. If I'm not a part of it, why would he want to be high? That sounds like he needs it more than he wants it to me.

Quote :

"has he brought home "shady characters"? "

No - we don't live together. However, if we did, his "best friend" is also his dealer. I'm not really too concerned on this point.

Quote :

"does he care about smoking in front of you, or does he smoke away from you and just spend time with you after he's smoked? "

Considering we don't live together, he smokes away from me. He doesn't bring it to my place. I have recently found out that he has it in his car and will smoke it there on his way to see me. (Isn't that just a bit irresponsible?) After finding that out, I asked what % of the time we're together he's high and he said 60-70%. I'm not sure what that means? Does it suck to be around me or something? sad panda.

Quote :

"does he care about other people's perceptions about him smoking? You mention you worry about him being around "guests". would he be the type of person to pull out a bong in front of your parents and say fuck it? "

He cares very much about other people's perceptions, which is strange to me. I only worry about guests in that I feel like I'd always worry about if anyone could smell it or if he'd come out stoned and act a fool or something. I just hate that I even have to consider stuff like that.

[Edited on November 30, 2007 at 12:20 AM. Reason : doop]

11/30/2007 12:13:45 AM

I'm not saying smoking is good or acceptable (hell, I'm not saying he's a good guy), but:

Quote :

"I don't necessarily have a problem with him using it, but I don't want to be around it."

You have a def. problem with him using. You just haven't admitted it yet.

Quote :

"I imagine it would be more awkward to just sit next to him toking up I suppose... If I'm not a part of it, why would he want to be high? That sounds like he needs it more than he wants it to me."

This is the most ridiculous statement in your entire argument. Are you 12? Do you need to be a part of everything he does? You appear extremely needy.

If he shunned alcohol and sat beside you while you consumed, I'm sure he would feel just as awkward.

Quote :

"I only worry about guests in that I feel like I'd always worry about if anyone could smell it or if he'd come out stoned and act a fool or something. I just hate that I even have to consider stuff like that."

Has he ever done that before? He's obviously been high around you for quite some time, but nothing has transpired. So why are you guessing at his future behavior? Being drunk seems as though it would be a bit more embarrassing.

Your inability to reason is exacerbated by your lack of knowledge/experience.

Not that this has any bearing, but if he gave up pot, would you give up alcohol (or whatever you use for pleasure/recreation)?

I'm trying to figure out your ultimate goal.

You knew he was a user, yet you continued to date him. Now you want to change him. Classic signs.

[Edited on November 30, 2007 at 1:37 AM. Reason : Another brick in the wall...]

11/30/2007 1:30:42 AM

Oh, I'm not making an argument for or against. I know good and well that it may be that most of the "issues" I think I have are non-issues simply because I don't know enough about it. That's why I find it hard to make a hard decision.

I don't need to be a part of everything he does by any means, but this difference between us does have the possibility of totally excluding eachother from a part of his life. You can make any guess at a future with someone and you never really know.

You're right - he has been high around me a lot and never done anything out of sorts. So no need to put a label on him that hasn't been earned. On the alcohol thing - I've tried to think of something comparable to put myself in his shoes, but I can't find anything. Any social drinking I do, which is rare these days, I'd gladly give up. Is there something else I can think of to compare?

In fact, if you take away the legal aspect, I think I'd be fine with the whole issue. But the whole experience has made me sad that he would choose a plant over me and that at some point he didn't feel comfortable telling me the whole story about his usage.

11/30/2007 1:41:28 AM

ooh - you edited. Classic signs of what?

I don't think my problem is with him using - but with what it means to me and how it affects me. But I guess I could see a point that it's the same thing as having a problem with him using. I guess I'm just trying to make the point that I'm not some anti-drug person. And that there is no way for us both to get what we want in the future. - from what I can see.

And, I didn't know what I was getting into. He didn't start using again until a year after we got together. I knew that he had smoked some in the past, but had no idea to what extent and he made it clear that he was clean when we got together. I continued to date him because I get that I don't know much about it and didn't want to make false assumptions and bail on someone that could be incredible, and it's taken a long time to see how big a part of his life this really is and how that may affect the future now that I'm thinking toward things like that. I really don't want to change him. I'd be thrilled if we could find a way to compromise. But I want to do what's right for both of us. I don't want him to be in a relationship and always feel like has to answer to anything or it's always a sore topic and he can't talk about it, etc. I love him, and I hope I can find a way for us to both be happy and be together - but that's what I'm trying to figure out.

[Edited on November 30, 2007 at 1:54 AM. Reason : ]

11/30/2007 1:46:47 AM

Quote :

"And that there is no way for us both to get what we want in the future. - from what I can see."

it seems that what you want is for him to stop smoking. but...

Quote :

"I don't necessarily have a problem with him using it"

to me, it looks like you have some deeper issues with him smoking than you either realize or want to realize. if you don't want to be around him smoking, that's one thing. but that's completely different from you wanting him to not smoke. i suggest you take some time and figure out what it is because it will cause future problems.

as far as the legal implications are concerned, there's fairly little you have to worry about with most of the situations you described. if there is anything in his car, as the driver, he will be responsible for it. will you have to pay his bail? no. he would have to be holding over 0.5 oz. to even look at jail time. for a felony conviction, we would have to have more than 1.5 oz. most people purchase about 0.125 oz for personal consumption. that's just to give you an insight into the amount he would have to have to get into any serious amounts of trouble. misdeamoner convictions do not prevent people from getting jobs. hell, even people with felony convictions can still get jobs. i completely understand your worries about him driving you around after he's smoked. i have a friend that gets completely bent out of shape if someone drives him around after they've smoked. although i personally believe it's safer to drive with someone after they've smoked than after someone's had some drinks, i don't have any hard evidence to back this up. but seriously, if you've been around people that have smoked and then have driven around, you'll notice that they're driving slow enough to drive ms. daisy.

As far as:

Quote :

"Or wether he could be responsible for a child if he's high."

i understand you're worried about this, but then again...

Quote :

"Sometimes I smell it on his breath or he seems different (or has no sex drive) or his eyes are glazed and I think I know, but I'm never really sure."

then of all the times you're around him, how many times have you suspected him to be high. and out of all those times you thought he was high, how many times has he done something where you could have been genuinely concerned about his ability to make rational decisions concerning a child's care? again, think about this as objectively as possible.

what concerns me most though is...

Quote :

"I'd be thrilled if we could find a way to compromise. But I want to do what's right for both of us."

what's your definition of compromise here? you don't want to be around him when he actually smokes, but you're not oppossed to him smoking. he wants to smoke. logically, a compromise would be that he just never smokes in front of you. and what you believe is right for him is only that: your own belief. he probably thinks what's best for you is to try smoking once before you pass judgement. you say you don't want to change him, but any compromise he makes, whether it's not smoking in front of you or having to give up smoking period, IS changing him. If your biggest hang up is how it affects you, then i think it's not as bad as you think. i know i'm fairly liberal when it comes to these things, but i know plenty of adults who have raised great kids (their my friends) and are very successful (they make a shit ton of money). and no, my friends' parents are not gangsta rappers.

11/30/2007 3:37:19 AM

also, www.norml.com.

it seems like you're fairly confused about marijuana, and this might help you see things from his perspective.

i should have mentioned this more in the previous post, but it really comes down to this, "is the juice worth the squeeze?"

11/30/2007 3:41:47 AM

This is really helping me peel away the layers of all the things I think of and be able to say - ok, this isn't an issue and this is what I still need to figure out or decide for myself. So thank you all for that.

When I say I want what's best for him too, I mean that I respect him to say enough is enough. I want to figure this out, where I stand and be educated and confident in my decision. It's not fair to him for me to constantly come up with things to worry about on the subject.

Thanks for the information on the legality issue. Do you know the implications of it being in the home? If it's our (or my) home, would I be responsible for any possession therein? As far as the driving, I'm assuming he's driven me around while high, and while he's a pretty reckless driver (imo) anyways, I didn't notice anything different.

I think it sounds like I'm contradictory, so I'll try to clarify on the "I don't want to change him" front:

Quote :

"you say you don't want to change him, but any compromise he makes, whether it's not smoking in front of you or having to give up smoking period, IS changing him."

Yes, the logical solution is not to smoke it around me, or if there are legal implications for me not to have it in the home if we live together. The problem with that is that he smokes in his home, and not normally out socially with friends. So to ask that is a huge compromise for him. But to not ask that is a huge compromise for me. He's trying to change me as well here.

But again, my concerns may be some miseducation on my part. The main one being legality of owning a home together but also - doesn't the smell linger like cigarette smoke? Does it even produce much smoke? See, I don't know. But I don't want to go to work smelling like a bong If these things are a non-issue, then I see no reason why the best compromise wouldn't be to do what he wants, just not in front of me. But then again, I often ask myself "what's the big deal if you can accept everything else?" I feel like I'm promoting secrecy or giving the impression that I look down on him for it by asking him to go in another room or something.

Here's a question: For those who had parents who smoked or any other thing - did you know? when did you find out?

11/30/2007 9:55:42 AM

am i the only one that read the title and though it was about lifetime rights football tickets and compromising with your wife/husband about attending all of the games?

11/30/2007 10:10:39 AM

from another thread...

Quote :

"how hard is it for you fuckers to not do drugs? "

11/30/2007 10:17:13 AM

Quote :

"am i the only one that read the title and though it was about lifetime rights football tickets and compromising with your wife/husband about attending all of the games?"

I read it as "Lord of the Rings Relationship/Married with Different Lifestyles." Then I imagine DZAndrea putting on her robe and wizard hat.

11/30/2007 10:29:36 AM

^^Haha, thats what ltr means rite?


Also, DZ, drop him if you have a problem with it, thats a big deal and if he is not willning to respect your opinions on the subject then he isnt worth your time esp in the long run.

11/30/2007 10:38:05 AM

agreed. its not like you are talking about a hobby or something else that annoys you. you are talking about illegal drug use.

again, if he loves the weed more than you than you have a problem. try explaining to him that if he could keep it to a once in while deal (say once a month, or special occassion type thing) there would not be an issue...but since he chooses to do it ALL THE TIME (in the car, going out, etc...) than you have a big problem with it.

it would be the same if he was abusing alcohol, coke, porn, WoW or anything else. moderation is the key. if he cant do it in agreeable moderation then he has a problem and so do you. where is the line drawn? (I went through a similar situation..you can PM me for details)

11/30/2007 10:53:19 AM

Quote :

"Thanks for the information on the legality issue. Do you know the implications of it being in the home? If it's our (or my) home, would I be responsible for any possession therein? As far as the driving, I'm assuming he's driven me around while high, and while he's a pretty reckless driver (imo) anyways, I didn't notice anything different."

Yes, you can be held liable for the drugs that in your home even if they aren't yours. It's called constructive possession. Depending on the amount you could potentially be charged with distribution and even trafficing under constructive possession.

In fact, even if you have a party and someone there is in possession you could, in fact, be charged if they, for example, tried to hide the drugs in your couch before running off when the cops showed up.

Here is a NC Appellate level brief describing just such a situation. You are at risk whether you think that this is right or not cool or whatever.

http://www.ncappellatecourts.org/nc_main_1.nsf

11/30/2007 10:56:37 AM

as far as it being in a joint household, there would be more liability for you. but again, the same quantitative limits apply, and again, those limits are fairly large for personal consumption use. another measuring stick: 1/4 oz. usually lasts my friend a good 1-2 months with just him smoking approximately once a day. and again, the mileage your bf is going to get from his marijuana is going to vary depending on how many times he does light up a day. however, also note that possessing a personal amount in your house is going to get the raleigh p.d. knocking on your door. they are way understaffed and underfunded to be doing that, and even if they wanted to do so, remember, all your consitutional rights apply. cops usually have to have some REALLY compelling evidence to get a magistrate to sign off on a search warrant. one of my friend's dealers actually lived in an apartment unit across from a state trooper. honestly, i think methamphetamines are a bigger concern in nc than marijuana.

i understand what you mean about saying you want what's best for him too. with respect to that, i think you giving him the choice/ultimatum would be a better decision than you just walking from the relationship. again, if both of you are mature about it, this will probably be a distant memory in the future. obviously, you respect him enough not to force him to change without you making any compromises or sacrifices. at the same time, it's completely unfair for you to shoulder the burden of change alone. there's nothing wrong with you asking him to smoke in the garage or in another room if you do decide that you're okay with it. and i really, really doubt that he's going to think you're promoting secrecy or looking down on him if you do ask him to smoke elsewhere in the house. if anything, i'd bet he'd be happy to know that you've made sacrifices for his needs/wants, and would want to reciprocate in turn.

Quote :

"doesn't the smell linger like cigarette smoke? Does it even produce much smoke?"

no. cigarette smoke gets into your clothes, etc., and most people can smell that stale cigarette odor. i had one roommate that smoked, and another that didn't (same person who hated being driven by high people), and the one that didn't smoke hated the smell like nothing else. my other friend just kept it in a single room, and the smoke never permeated to any other part of our townhouse. if a couple of hours had past, he couldn't even smell it walking into the room. as to whether it produces much smoke, i would say it's a little less in amount than that produced by cigarettes. i've never really noticed that much, but i've never paid attention to it either.

as far as finding out when or if my parents smoked, i can't tell you anything from personal experience because my parents never smoked. but, most of my good friends that do have parents that smoke found out between the ages of 15-18.

11/30/2007 11:40:50 AM

^^ charged with distribution or possession, yes, but isn't ownership of the premises limited to creating an inference that the defendant possessed the drugs or had control over them?

11/30/2007 11:44:45 AM

i understand that most law enforcement is not going to beat down your door if they hear of a roach in your coffee table ashtray, but why risk it?

11/30/2007 11:47:30 AM

well isn't that what she's trying to weigh? that risk v. her happiness being with him (notwithstanding this issue).

11/30/2007 11:50:39 AM