how do you get a backbone and say no to people when they ask you to do things that you don't wanna do?

I have been cursed with the inability to say no, especially to people that I don't know all that well. Do you not feel bad after saying no? I always do, and I don't know how to stop this...I need your tips on growing balls. Figurativly of course.

4/26/2008 2:18:59 PM

Hey, would you help me move a couch?

4/26/2008 2:19:50 PM

well over the internet its not hard to say no...if you wanna trap me get me in person and smile, then I'll melt and do whatever you want.

4/26/2008 2:21:32 PM

whoa so i could get you to help me wash my car if i just asked and smiled?

sweet, where will you be in the next hour, so that I can "randomly" run into you.

[Edited on April 26, 2008 at 2:24 PM. Reason : also, just practice saying no. let the other person know that you'll think about it.]

4/26/2008 2:22:46 PM

taking a nap in my bed...which is in Conover btw.

4/26/2008 2:23:47 PM

How do you react when people tell you, "No"?

4/26/2008 2:23:54 PM

i usually think about if the person would do something similar for me if i asked. if that's a definite 'no' then i don't really have any trouble saying no.

but then again, i can be a push over in those situations.

4/26/2008 2:24:21 PM

this dude at work called me on the phone to ask if i wanted to house sit for them, which would have involved mainly watching after their old-ass dog.

at first i thought he just meant go there every day to feed it, etc...but he actually wanted me to live in the fuckin house for 2 weeks.

i mean he would have paid me the same as what they would have charged at a kennel, but i just didnt feel comfortable with that shit

so i was like well...i dunno....

4/26/2008 2:25:13 PM

just think of all the stupid/annoying shit people do to you and then answer..

4/26/2008 2:25:54 PM

^ yes.

4/26/2008 2:26:29 PM

^^^^^If I ask someone to do something for me, and they tell me "No" then my feelings get a little hurt. I mean if it's something small like "hey can you pick up that paper I dropped" and I get told no, then I'm like meh, their kinda a douche. but if it's a big favor, like something that you would only ask if you really need done and I get told no I really do get hurt, cause for me asking someone to do something for me is almost as hard as saying no. But that rule really only applies to people that I'm not that close with. It's must easier for me to ask my close friends to do things for me.

[Edited on April 26, 2008 at 2:28 PM. Reason : ]

4/26/2008 2:28:36 PM

The reason I'm kinda pissed at myself about me being like this right now is that I babysat for this single dad last night so he could go out on a date. I showed up at 7:55 because he wanted me there at 8. He told me as he was leaving that he'd be back between 12 and 1. I said that was fine and he left. So midnight came around and I was ready to leave since the kids had been asleep for a few hours and I was tired of smelling the dog piss and cigarettes. I was thinking he would be there anytime and so I was ready to leave. 12:30 came around and I was like, okay well maybe he was planning on it being closer to 1 and I didn't think anything of it, other than I was really tired and I just wanted to go home to sleep.

Then 1 comes around, and he's not there.
1:30 comes around, not there.
2 comes around, not there.
2:10 I heard the garage door opening.

I'm sitting there thinking, I'm going to tell him that I didn't appreciate him being an hour late and not telling me and that I won't be able to babysit for him tomorrow night because I don't want to have to be there all night again.

He came in, handed me $50 and said he was sorry he was late, the band just played longer than he thought they would. I was so fucking pissed at this point of time. He said "So you still wanna watch the kids tomorrow night?"

I said

"SURE!!!"

Then I walked out the door got into my car and screamed. Why couldn't I have said No, and told him what I really felt?

4/26/2008 2:34:20 PM

Wasn't expecting that answer. Generally, when I'm told, "No" by someone, I don't care. So I have no problems with saying, "No". I guess I can see why you have such a problem with it now. Most people, in my experience, don't get offended or think you're a douche if you tell them, "No". They probably just:

1) Get off their lazy asses and do it themselves.
2) Ask someone else.
3) Kill themselves.

4/26/2008 2:36:37 PM

you should break something that doesnt really have monetary value (i.e. picture or something) so he will still pay you, but cant charge you for it

4/26/2008 2:37:43 PM

^^^ Don't let people walk all over you. They'll keep doing it and then, when you finally do say "No", they'll think your a douche. It's better to set the bar low from the beginning, so that when you do go out of your way, they think you're amazing.

[Edited on April 26, 2008 at 2:39 PM. Reason : blah]

4/26/2008 2:38:02 PM

$50 for 6 hours..... man the going rate for 13-yr old babysitters is $10/hr. You got jipped for one, he didn't call for two, and he's taking advantage of the fact that you'll watch his kids while he whores it up.

Just say you really can't do it tonight. You don't HAVE to say why. Say something came up. Family emergency.

4/26/2008 2:43:22 PM

don't even lie to him (family emergency)

just say you won't be able to

4/26/2008 2:44:29 PM

I'm not good at saying no either....so I've become an amazing liar. Like in a pinch...I come up with the best stories/excuses. Then I can build on them if they come back to me. Its pretty ridiculous.

4/26/2008 2:45:05 PM

^ Or you could just say no. Just as easy.

You're not being rude if you say no to people. So, you shouldn't worry about saying it.

4/26/2008 2:46:10 PM

Well I know I won't be able to babysit for him for a while, I've got full weekends coming up, so I won't have to lie about anything. Maybe by the time I do have a free weekend I'll be able to work up enough courage to say that I can't.

Part of the problem I had with saying "No" this time is that I had already agreed to watching the kids both nights, so I felt like I'd be going back on my word by telling him that I can't do it now.

I think since I'm such a sensitive person myself, I assume that other people have the same feelings as I do, so I don't do things to them that I wouldn't want them to do to me, and I end up getting walked all over.

I still don't feel any balls growing

4/26/2008 3:06:16 PM

If you are still pissed at him then just don't show up tonight. Or show up to babysit them exactly 1 hour and 10 minutes later than when you said you would.

4/26/2008 3:22:51 PM

you clearly arent fed up enough with the situation. So until you are you will continue to be a doormat.

as an almost reformed doormat, i know this seems harsh.


until you decide enough is enough and you hit rock bottom this pattern of behavior will continue.


saying no the first time is the hardest, it gets easier after that.


be prepared for them to think you are a huge bitch.... i mean you always say yes and its going to be a huge shock to them.


but you have to establish a precedent you have to establish boundaries or people will continue to take advantage of you.



so basically, yeah, its time to grow a backbone.

4/26/2008 3:37:16 PM

durrrrrrrrrrrr...I know I need to get a backbone...I'm asking for tips on how to get one.

And no, I can't just say no, because that's not how my mind works.

4/26/2008 3:58:26 PM

Quote :

"you clearly arent fed up enough with the situation. So until you are you will continue to be a doormat."

no

Quote :

"saying no the first time is the hardest, it gets easier after that."

no

Quote :

"i know this seems harsh. "

no

Quote :

"i mean you always say yes and its going to be a huge shock to them."

no

Quote :

"be prepared for them to think you are a huge bitch"

no

4/26/2008 4:03:27 PM

You should start out small. Say No to small decisions and then progressive work your way up saying no to larger and larger tasks people ask you to do.

Or when you say yes, tell them you don't want to make a habit out of it or you'll help them out just this once.

4/26/2008 4:04:54 PM

My "no response", which I used today was, "As of right now, I may be busy (waiting around for _________/doing __________)" or something like that. Generally this information is true. If I don't have anything going on, I'll say "let me see what's going on". It kind of blows it over, and if they ask again they probably do really need the help and if it passes over, then you didn't have to do it. Mission accomplished. It's kind of a way to give them a reason you'll be busy instead of just being like "No, I don't really feel like helping you."

4/26/2008 4:06:23 PM

there aren't "tips" on how to grow a damn backbone!


here, http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&hs=Vjq&q=how+to+say+no+assertively&btnG=Search



a whole fucking page or more on how to say NO


if this doesnt help, i suggest cognitive phsychotherapy

Quote :

"Description When you are asked to do something that you do not want to do, then you can just say no. When saying 'no', keep your refusal short, but not so abrupt as to unnecessarily upset the other person. Make sure what you are saying is crystal clear, with no scope for the other person to think that you might yet be persuaded. You can make the message clear by starting your response with 'no'. You do not need to qualify or explain your response. The fact that you have made a decision is enough. It may be helpful sometimes to explain a decision, but do not allow this as something for them to challenge. Do not apologize for your refusal and do not be apologetic in your tone. 'I'm sorry, but...' often appears weak and leads to challenges and further argument. Be firm: neither weak nor aggressive. Do not make up excuses. If you are to give a reason, then be honest, even if it is uncomfortable. Be careful about giving them explanation on which they may use objection-handling. Do not be persuaded by pleading, whining, wheedling etc. Listen to rational argument and make rational decisions based on what you have heard. Only change your mind if it makes real sense. It can help to acknowledge the other person, for example by using their name. Show that it is you making the decision rather than hiding behind other people or impersonal rules. Say 'I' rather than 'we' or 'they'. If the other person persists, repeat your reasons (do not look for new reasons to decline). Use the broken record method if necessary. Example I can't take on any extra work. My calendar is completely full for the next month. Sorry, Mike. You're a nice guy, but I do not want to go out with you. I do not want double glazing. I am happy with my house as it is, thank you. Discussion Saying 'no' is something with which many people have problems. Whilst it is easy to say yes, saying no is risking the wrath of the person involved or the other people they might tell. Ultimately, refusal may seem to risk hurting a relationship, being ostracized from the group, being fired from the company or otherwise being severely punished for your lack of cooperation. When you refuse, it may seem as if you are also giving up your right to ask something of the other person. All this is, of course, untrue. You have a basic right to refuse. The good news is that reality is nowhere near as bad as imagination. When you say 'no' assertively and clearly, you are more likely to gain respect than lose it."

[Edited on April 26, 2008 at 4:12 PM. Reason : i had a three hour class in nursing school on how to be assertive]

4/26/2008 4:08:45 PM

http://changingminds.org/techniques/resisting/broken_record.htm

4/26/2008 4:14:40 PM

I know how you feel, sawahash.

I'm more assertive than I once was.

4/26/2008 4:17:31 PM

its an aquired skill.

the being assertive part, that is.



the other part, well, you just have to get pissed off and grow a pair... no one can tell you how to do that.

4/26/2008 4:20:24 PM

wow I'm sorry you're not clever enough to lie

though usually I just tell the truth
see, it works for me because I procrastinate enough that I REALLY do have something pressing that needs to get done

like right now I need to go to the police station and get a form with my vehicles information on it so that I can scan and electronically send it to my parents in GA for them to pass on to the GA-DMV

4/26/2008 4:23:41 PM

So you're saying that I wasn't mad enough to say no? I mean I didn't know that I had to have the anger inside me to punch a hole in the wall to tell someone no.


I mean I like helping people. I like to be known to be someone that is always there for you, but there are just sometimes when I can't do it/don't want to do it, but I get stuck doing it because I want to keep up that reputation.

It's much easier for me to say no if I have plans for when I am asked to do something, but I'm also bad at lying to people and saying that I have plans.


I ho.pe I'm taught how to deal with parents as part of my teaching degree, cause I'm awful with confrontation

4/26/2008 4:26:56 PM

you should go somewhere and get heavily solicited

Prague is a good choice (to get solicited by Africans that want you to go to the strip club)
really touristy towns are good
a Church of Scientology

that will help you deal with it by flooding you with the experience

4/26/2008 4:29:37 PM

no, but good job at transferring your anger at your ineptitude at saying no to to me who is trying to help you and give you advice in this thread you created asking for advice.


no you have to get mad at the fact that you are being taken advantage of. you have to get mad at the whole situation. most importantly you have to get mad at YOURSELF for putting up with the shit for so long.

you dont get mad at them!! they arent the problem.. YOU ARE!! Stop being a victim, and take some responsibility for your actions, or in this case, lack thereof.


here is a question to think about (it does not require a posted answer on here-- its just food for thought) are you going to let some guy pressure you into sex when you dont really want to or arent really "feeling it" with him?

4/26/2008 4:40:00 PM

^why do you think I used to be such a huge slut?

4/26/2008 4:41:11 PM

this is something you have to figure out on your own and the gobbledeegook posts on here arent going to help you

4/26/2008 4:44:40 PM

well, then you have deeper issues than a thread on TWW can fix.

pm sent

4/26/2008 4:45:57 PM

TWW can not fix anyone's problems.

4/26/2008 5:52:01 PM

T-dub has failed you!

4/26/2008 6:36:19 PM

A woman who knows how to stand up for herself is worth her weight in gold.


That's all I have to say about that.

5/4/2008 2:29:57 PM

I agree, but it is only true up to a certain weight.

5/4/2008 2:35:14 PM

lol, my mom is a doormat and likes being walked all over. Trust me, if you say no sometimes people will respect you a lot more. They'll only be fair with you if you make them. If you ask to be taken advantage of (sounds like you are) then they will, since if they don't someone else will.

5/4/2008 2:39:19 PM