I like her and she likes me, but I'm concerned about relapse. I'd hate to be the one who causes it.

We've been on a few dates and it's gone swimmingly. We get along quite well and she shares many of the same views.

She confided that she has an eating disorder and thought I would react negatively. I did not and told her so.

Hell I've been depressed before and know what it's like. I've even dated someone with an eating disorder (refused treatment - we split up).

It's hard work to stay on top of depression (since it's a part of an eating disorder) and even though I don't need meds or counseling, I can relate.

I know it's part nature (genetic) and nurture (family), but I can't help but feel bad if she gets worse b/c of me or something I did.

Is this something I should just ignore and get on with the rest of the relationship? Hell, she didn't run off when I told her about my history. That's +1 in my book.

Look at me, we haven't even dated for that long and I'm concerned about her.

7/14/2008 3:04:46 PM

why not recommend her to see someone who's "qualified" to give her advice - although maybe you deem TWW qualified

7/14/2008 3:06:43 PM

eats too much or too little?

7/14/2008 3:07:20 PM

paging seapunky...she can probably give you some good advice from her point of view

7/14/2008 3:07:54 PM

wolf web user with a skinny girlfriend. +1

7/14/2008 3:08:09 PM

Here's a thought....

Why not just 'date' and see how things go, as opposed to sharing past information that neither of you can change - as a basis of toleration levels for the person you're going to be with?!?
You can't change the past - why is it necessary to dig into it?


I think people get so caught up in expectations and what 'should' be, they lose the fun of making it what it is.

I'd drive myself nuts if I thought about all that crap all the time....

7/14/2008 3:18:22 PM

ignorance is not a solution to anything...i think i'd like to know beforehand if the girl i was interested in was, i don't know, a convicted murderer or something

setting the past aside like an adult and realizing that it's done and gone != pretending like it never happened

7/14/2008 3:21:01 PM

There's a difference between pretending it never happened, and the massive amount of "what if's" that inevitably will lead it to fail.

Spend your time and energy in enjoying being around her - not "What if it's my fault and it happens again?!?"

Cliche quote of the day:
You can assume good things will happen, or bad things... regardless of which you choose, your predictions will usually be correct.

7/14/2008 3:26:22 PM

i don't know if that's quite in line with what he's saying (although it may be)

for example, let's say this girl gets really upset (internally, not railing at him or anything) over posters of shapely wimmens...he might want to take those down if he has any

or let's say she feels fat when she eats ice cream...he might want to avoid having ice cream in his freezer

i'm not saying this is the case, but i don't think he's sitting here dwelling on her past...rather, he's looking for hints and tips to avoid causing problems (for those of us who have never dated a girl with an eating order - and this number is fewer and fewer every day, i'll bet - there might be certain triggers he could avoid to keep it from becoming a problem)

*shrug*...it's stupid to pretend like the past doesn't matter...the past can very well give you insight into the person - their predilections and the way they handle situations...i find that the people who bitch and moan the most about others "dwelling" on the past are the ones with the most they're ashamed of

7/14/2008 3:44:38 PM

chronic depression is for the weak minded and those who think they deserve more then they are capable of achieving. enjoy

7/14/2008 3:47:56 PM

and non-clinical depression is for those who want to make up medical crap to get more attention.

Quote :

"Ok ladies, we get it–you have terrible self-esteem. And that sucks. We’re sure it’s our fault, somehow. (How?) But unless you want to start telling us what a gigantic d*ck we have every time we see you, give us a break if we don’t notice what you’re wearing from time to time. Maybe what you’re wearing sucks. Did you think of that?…Uh, sorry honey. What we meant to say was, that weird bag dress you threw on looks awesome."

7/14/2008 3:53:34 PM

Quote :

"You can't change the past - why is it necessary to dig into it?"

eating disorders--and plenty of other psychiatric conditions--aren't just "in the past." They can often pop back up again, and you have to be prepared for that.

7/14/2008 4:03:19 PM

is it the HB chick in your photo gallery?

7/14/2008 4:04:01 PM

Quote :

"why not recommend her to see someone who's "qualified" to give her advice - although maybe you deem TWW qualified "

She's seeing someone, that's why I am still dating her. I would have been gone in a heartbeat if she said she didn't need help or denied having a problem.

I make fun of lots of things, all in jest of course, but I made one joke about eating disorders and it she took it the wrong way. I don't want to have to walk on eggshells, but I will change certain behaviors or habits if I believe they need changing. If I really care about that person, I don't mind doing these things, but if their whole life is an eggshell I really don't want to be there when it breaks. See?

Depression and food are her problem. Her triggers can be anything. Relationships and self-esteem being paramount to her mental stability.

I would never pick on anyone and call them fat, but I have no idea what her triggers are (I might ask). I hope she never asks me if she looks fat in something.

Do I know how to pick'em or what.

Quote :

"is it the HB chick in your photo gallery?"

i wish not really.

[Edited on July 14, 2008 at 4:11 PM. Reason : eh]

7/14/2008 4:09:56 PM

I change my earlier response -
Now:

Run

7/14/2008 4:13:51 PM

If other than her eating disorder she doesn't have any extremely bad habits that you can't deal with then keep dating her. Otherwise you might want to reconsider.

7/14/2008 4:21:31 PM

Other than that, she's fine.

7/14/2008 4:27:41 PM

lol

this sounds EXACTLY like my ex of a few weeks

quick test: does she look you in the eye at all when she's not (1) drunk, (2) stoned, or (3) on coke?

if the answer is "no" to all three questions and you met her at 5 O'Clock on Hillsborough St...

RUN MOTHAFUCKA SHE CRAZY

7/14/2008 4:36:42 PM

so are we talking about ana or mia here



chronic overeating is considered an eating disorder too, guyz. she doesn't have to be skinny lol... plenty of bulemic girls aren't

7/14/2008 5:06:10 PM

Quote :

"eating disorders--and plenty of other psychiatric conditions--aren't just "in the past." They can often pop back up again, and you have to be prepared for that."

Not only that, they have often had a very strong role in shaping the person into who they are today. It's kind of nice to know the person you're with is the way they are. And if someone is stubborn about something, knowing why they're gung-ho about whatever it is can avoid conflict. Instead of 'quit being a stubborn asshole, and meet me in the middle on this issue', it's more like 'yeah, I can see why you're standing your ground here'

In my case, knowing the background changes some anecdotes from to LOL.

The second time my bf and I hung out, I was trashed, and told him the short version of my past. He still doesn't know all of it. There are times when he has lightbulb moments, and makes connections that even I haven't. I like him to know all the shit that went down, as well as being educated about bipolar, and all that good stuff.

Quote :

"but I can't help but feel bad if she gets worse b/c of me or something I did."

You're giving yourself too much credit. You've been on a couple dates, and already worried about having enough influence that one thing you could do could cause problems? Not so much. Maybe after a couple years, by which time you may have become a central influence in her life. That's what time is for: to learn how to avoid doing things which might make it worse. And remember, you can never be fully responsible for someone else's actions.

7/14/2008 5:43:23 PM