Aries March 21 - April 19

Though you are a vindictive, cruel, and miserable son of a bitch, you will be rewarded with great happiness and good fortune this week. This is just how the universe works.

9/4/2008 10:17:40 PM

you need to go buy a lottery ticket. now.

9/4/2008 10:18:02 PM

where do i get a horoscope like that...

it seems much more realistic than the shit i post everyday

9/4/2008 10:18:48 PM

http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/sep-02-2008

9/4/2008 10:20:37 PM

I am also an aries, but I have not been rewarded with great happiness and good fortune

But I am cruel and miserable

9/4/2008 10:21:58 PM

Quote :

"Sagittarius November 22 - December 21 Remember: Crying in public doesn't make you any less of a man. It does, however, make you more of a woman. "

ok...that's cool...i'm already a woman

9/4/2008 10:22:11 PM

theonion just made me cry

[Edited on September 4, 2008 at 10:26 PM. Reason : but good thing i'm not a sagittarius]

9/4/2008 10:26:21 PM

Quote :

"Gemini May 21 - June 21 Joy and meaning will return to your life this week when you discover a wondrous and magical substance your dealer calls "Angel Dust." "

9/4/2008 10:28:46 PM

Quote :

"Taurus April 20 - May 20 Try as you might, you will be unable to convince the judge that the big jewel heist was all the monkey's idea."

someone might need to come bail me out.

9/4/2008 10:30:33 PM