Rex Grossman's thought process when he steps back in the pocket I would imagine is extremely similar to our favorite QB Harrison Beck's.


F--k It. I'm Throwing It Downfield.


Is that Berrian? I think he's triple-covered. You know what? Fuck it. I'm throwing it downfield.

Yeah, I see Jones open on the flank. But fuck that. Dumpoff passes are for faggots. I'm fucking Sexy Rexy Grossman. I can get that ball in there. And, even if I can't, I bet I'll be able to pull it off the next go round. I like throwing the ball long. It makes my dick hard.

What's that? I should throw a quick slant? Fuck that. That's gay. Button hook? Gay. Flare out? Gay. Screen pass? Kevin Spacey gay. This is fucking football. You can't just expect wins to come to you. You can't massage that shit. You gotta grab that game by the throat and rape the ever-loving shit out of it. You think a 5-yard out is gonna win you a game? You're a pussy. This ain't John Shoop running this offense. Sexy Rexy's got the arm. The dragon. You gotta unleash the dragon.

Okay, I'm throwing it. Nice. Look how far it went. I look good. I bet I made that Pats cheerleader wet her panties with that throw. She fucking wants me. I bet she likes it over a stair railing. I can hit that with 100% accuracy, my dear. Mmmmmm. I am delicious.

Oh shit. Looks like Samuel caught it. Again. Oh well. It still felt fucking great to throw that shit. Tell me that wasn't one of the prettiest passes you ever saw. You know what? Not only am I gonna throw it long the next time we hit the field. I'm gonna throw it even longer. Harder. You see that kid in wheelchair sitting in the end zone bleachers? I'm gonna nail him right between the fucking eyes with a Sexy Rexy fastball. Why? Because I can.

This is Rex Grossman we're talking about here. We're talking 210 lbs. of twisted steel and sex appeal. I'm not just a gunslinger. I'm a cumslinger. Throwing that ball long tells all the Rexettes that I am fucking out there. On the edge. Where I gotta be. The ladies love the danger. The unpredictability. Oh, maybe I'll tease them with a pretty touch pass every now and again. But then I'm gonna go right back to pumping that ball out for all it's worth. It tells them I throw like I fuck. That's how we do things in the sexy business.

Tell me you're not turned on right now. I am.

9/24/2008 11:30:18 PM

wat

9/24/2008 11:31:04 PM

IBTBD

9/24/2008 11:31:26 PM

hahahahahahahaha

Oh man that's funny.

9/24/2008 11:32:37 PM

would have been funn[y]ier if you replace grossman's name with becks, and posted in sports talk.

9/24/2008 11:33:02 PM

9/24/2008 11:33:47 PM

^ makes me laugh every time.





every time.

9/24/2008 11:34:59 PM

^^ I'm not sure what it is about that, but I like it.

[Edited on September 24, 2008 at 11:35 PM. Reason : ^^]

9/24/2008 11:35:13 PM

yeah but if you replace Beck's name in the story then there is no "Sexy Rexy"

9/24/2008 11:36:12 PM

9/24/2008 11:36:23 PM

Being a Bears fan, this shit was hilarious.

9/24/2008 11:43:09 PM

Sexy Beck-sy would work in place of Sexy Rexy

I lol'd because you're spot on with Rex and Harrison having the same thought process.

9/24/2008 11:43:14 PM

Byron Leftwich's taint

9/24/2008 11:43:16 PM

9/24/2008 11:46:38 PM

haha fantastic.

9/25/2008 12:46:53 AM

=amazing

9/25/2008 12:50:47 AM

A++

9/25/2008 1:57:21 AM

Old as hell

9/25/2008 1:58:57 AM

Is that a fucking bear?

9/25/2008 2:03:04 AM

the sex cannon is back. Speaking of Rex Grossman of course, not Sexy Becksy

11/6/2008 10:12:36 AM

that was on kissingsuzy like 2 years ago... If it chicago bears related, Im the first to read it

http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2006/11/f-k-it-im-throwing-it-downfield.html

buddy is a writer

[Edited on November 6, 2008 at 10:21 AM. Reason : .]

11/6/2008 10:21:16 AM

Old as hell.

There are two or three more of these too, though the first (posted) was the best.

http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2007/01/rachel-nichols-ill-let-you-inside-my.html
http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2006/12/rexstacy-wants-to-fulfill-your.html

11/6/2008 10:26:56 AM

he's going to wing it all over the field

11/6/2008 10:32:10 AM

ahahahahhahaha

Quote :

"You see that kid in wheelchair sitting in the end zone bleachers? I'm gonna nail him right between the fucking eyes with a Sexy Rexy fastball. Why? Because I can."

11/6/2008 10:41:26 AM

the best is the discussion of how sex cannon has the ability to masturbate while looking at a full-length mirror of himself masturbating. priceless

11/6/2008 11:12:34 AM

nm

[Edited on November 6, 2008 at 11:14 AM. Reason : .]

11/6/2008 11:13:56 AM

those articles are fucking hilarious.

11/6/2008 11:14:21 AM