http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/04/27/tf.remain.friends.with.ex/index.html

Quote :

"Should you remain friends with an ex? -Friend's divorce is final, her ex wants to cut all ties, she is distraught. -Cutting off ex may be good way to process feelings and adjust life. -Perspective is usually a better friend than any ex can be. Author: Breakups are supposed to be sad -- so get it over with By Wendy Atterberry (The Frisky) -- To cut or not to cut an ex from your life after a breakup, that is the question. Sometimes you need to cut ties with an ex so that you can move on in your life. Just last week, a dear friend of mine had her divorce finalized after a long, drawn-out three year separation. Upon hearing that her now ex-husband wants to cut off all communication with her for the foreseeable future, she's distraught. Over the course of their separation, they'd managed to remain quite friendly, keeping in touch with phone calls and texts, and even meeting up for occasional dinners out and seeing bands together they both loved. But now that the divorce is finalized, her ex says he needs time to process the ending of their marriage and to really close that chapter and move on. She's devastated that she won't have him in her life the way she has in the last few years and thinks he's being unreasonable and even a little mean. I, on the other hand, think he's doing what's best for them both and that a little space will give them the kind of closure they probably could have benefited from years ago. Of course, every relationship and breakup is different and there isn't a one right way to navigate a post-breakup friendship, but in general, cutting off an ex, at least for the short-term, seems like a healthy way to process feelings and figure out who "you" are when you're no longer part of a "we." It can be tempting to remain close to the person whose life was so intertwined with yours, but jumping into a friendship with an ex muddles those often very confusing emotions following a breakup. About five years ago when I amicably ended a four-year live-in relationship, I continued to see my ex-boyfriend on a weekly basis. I'd often go to his apartment after one of my evening classes in graduate school since his apartment was just a short walk from campus. We'd order or cook dinner together and settle in for some TV-watching and I'd think, See, this isn't so bad? Breakups don't have to be so sad! The truth was, things felt so similar to how they were when we were still a couple, I think I just extended my healing process months longer than it had to be. When I started dating other guys, it just seemed really odd and confusing to continue this somewhat emotionally intimate relationship with someone I knew I needed to move away from in order to truly "clean my relationship palette." It was sad walking away from him completely, but breakups are supposed to be sad, and in the end, cutting contact from him was what finally helped me close that chapter for good and realize just how much happier I was on my own...and how much richer a relationship could be with someone who was right for me. It's really in feeling those often uncomfortable emotions that we move to a healthier emotional space. I'm not saying one can never be friends with an ex. Depending on how serious the relationship was to begin with, or how easy the breakup was, it's possible to immediately and seamlessly move into a friendship. Additionally, even serious relationships that end with a lot of emotional fanfare can eventually create enough distance to be close again. I've never experienced the latter myself, but then, I never really saw the point in rekindling a friendship with anyone who valued a day of golf over everything else. Perspective is usually a better friend than any ex can be... "

Ok, so do you think the author is correct when she says that you should cut all ties with an ex? I am in the same boat, but in slightly different waters. My 6-year relationship ended abruptly 3 years ago, and I decided to excommunicate my ex-girlfriend entirely. She, just like in the story above, begged that we remain "best friends" and continue our complex emotional relationship indefinitely. I decided otherwise, and chose to kick her to the curb, despite the pain. She claimed that this would spiral her into "despair." Naturally, I did it anyway, because I found no rationale in rescuing a lost cause.

Just recently, I discovered that I will be unable to avoid interacting with her in the very near future. So tell me Tdub, do you think that becoming friends again is a good idea? Is it wise? I made my decision, because I thought it was the wisest thing to do for both of us, despite her or my deep feelings for eachother. However, it's a small world after all, and our worlds will inevitably collide again soon. Do you think I should remain civil and polite, but avoid contact at all costs, per usual; or do you believe, like so many others, that we can become best friends again?

Personally, I am not sure how to approach this issue, because I assumed I would never have to communicate with her ever again. Unfortunately, this is not the case, because we both work in similar fields and have mutual contacts. So what say you Tdub, do I proceed with my original plan of total disassocation, or do I extend my hand in friendship and re-enter the realm of uncertainty and risk opening old wounds and scars? My heart tells me to bring peace, but my mind tells me to let it be and keep the peace. I know that "it depends" on the individuals, but as a general rule, after having no contact for this long, which course of action is the real win-win situation?

and GO!

4/27/2009 11:12:59 AM

Three years should be enough to have fully gotten over her. Assuming so, I would not see a problem in being friends again.

If you or she is the type to hold grudges forever, then probably not a good idea.

4/27/2009 11:17:04 AM

words

tl;dr

4/27/2009 11:19:05 AM

Be civil. There is no need to act like she has the plague. If you encounter her, be nice, smile, talk to her, but that doesn't necessarily mean you have to be her best friend. You've spent time apart as is and it might be a little awkward at first, but that is no reason to act like a child. You are both adults.

4/27/2009 11:19:42 AM

didn't read any of that

but i'm going to go ahead and say no

4/27/2009 11:24:36 AM

That's a tough one.

I broke up with my gf of 3.5 years this past August. We have so many mutual friends and interests though that it's inevitable that we'll be seeing each other every now and then.

We decided to remain "friends", although neither of us goes out of our way to talk to each other. I'd call it just being civil. It was tough at first since we both still had some kind of feelings for each other and we were both looking for that "comfort" that we had in each other, however we both decided that it'd be best if we went our own ways.

She started dating one of my friends which made it extremely hard at first, but I knew it was good for both of them and didnt want to stand in the way of a good thing.

Now that i've started dating someone else as well, everything's pretty much fine. I saw her the other night and we caught up for about 5 minutes and we both went our ways.

It's definitely different for every situation.

On a side note

The girl I dated for 1.5 years before my ex of 3.5 years just recently moved to Raleigh and we hung out a lot at first since she didnt know a lot of people here. Things were ok, except she started to have feelings for me again, but I was straight up with her from the beginning telling her that I didnt want to be her BF again.

About a month ago, I went out with her and some of her friends and ended up with my current gf (one of her friends!).


/blog.

[Edited on April 27, 2009 at 11:29 AM. Reason : .]

4/27/2009 11:25:28 AM

Depends on how the breakup went

but I personally say hell no

4/27/2009 11:28:01 AM

Quote :

"Be civil. There is no need to act like she has the plague. If you encounter her, be nice, smile, talk to her, but that doesn't necessarily mean you have to be her best friend."

agreed

4/27/2009 11:30:05 AM

Quote :

"-Perspective is usually a better friend than any ex can be."

qft

if you're being forced to see her and the break up was 3 years ago.. be civil as already stated. expect her to still be confused about why you cut off all contact. i'm sure she's over you by now but you may encounter some passive aggressiveness at some point.

4/27/2009 12:02:32 PM

Quote :

"I assumed I would never have to communicate with her ever again."

The way you phrase that implies that you don't want to communicate with her again. If you don't desire a friendship with her, then don't pursue one.

But don't give her the cold shoulder unless you still hold a grudge.

4/27/2009 12:15:13 PM

in undergrad i dated someone for almost 4 years. when we broke up we tried to be friends initially, but it was just too painful. it's not like it ended "badly," it was just a tough breakup because we were practically best friends but we were growing apart and doing different things in life after graduation and did not see eye-to-eye on a lot of things.

to make a long story even longer, that was almost 3 years ago. now he is engaged to someone else but i sort of which we could be friends. because sometimes i do think of funny things etc., that i'd like to share with him. but i haven't spoken with him (on the phone or in person) since the summer of 06.

too make ten times more awkward, i'm still close with his parents (they are cooler than my own parents). so when we talk on the phone we talk about everything EXCEPT him , which is weird because he is their son.

but, life goes on.

4/27/2009 12:57:05 PM

^ which = wish ..../.... (typing R hard, too late to edit)

4/27/2009 1:48:53 PM

We were high school sweethearts and we ended up breaking up after college. I'm going to go with the collective wisdom and my original assumption, and continue to be civil and polite, but avoid re-entering any type of friendship. In a perfect world, we could become friends again, but honestly, that just seems like her fantasy now, and my potential nightmare, lol. I appreciate the reassurance.

4/27/2009 2:36:52 PM

My high school boyfriend of 2.5 years is now one of my best friends and favorite people. However, it took about 3 years of almost no contact to get that way. I also have halfway decent to fairly good relationships with my other exes, but that's probably more because more than anything, I hate being mean.

I think the key to friendships after dating is spending time apart to heal and letting old feelings pass (love, hatred, jealousy - whatever).

4/27/2009 5:37:48 PM

I've done both.


I had a 5 year on and off relationship, and finally I decided to cut it off because it wasn't healthy for me - she still contacts me and wants to be friends, but I am totally against it


I had a year long relationship in which we were probably going to get married, and after we broke up I completely cut it off

I had a 2 month relationship where we broke up, but worked together so it was REALLY REALLY hard to deal with - but over time it healed and we are really good friends now

I just got out of a 2 month relationship where I have ZERO desire to ever talk to the girl again - not because she did anything wrong, just because I am not even slightly interested in her

4/27/2009 5:42:40 PM

DO NOT BE FRIENDS!

shit, it never works out that way right after a break up. you may think its working out, but one of you will probably be miserable having to see each other still.

4/27/2009 6:11:57 PM

I had a 4 year relationship end pretty suddenly about 3 years ago. Pretty much I told her that if she walked out that I would never speak to her again and she did and I kept my end up. About 2 weeks ago she randomly IMed me out of the blue talking about how it had been 3 years since we talked and all this stuff and I pretty much just responded with "Not to sound mean but last time we talked I told you I never wanted to speak to you again and I meant that" and well i guess she got the point that 3 years later I wasnt all ok lets be friends now even though you totally fucked me over back then. If you are forced to see her then no need to not be civil but I wouldnt go out of my way to befriend her again and would avoid contact as much as possible.

4/27/2009 6:42:16 PM

I have not remained friends with any of my exes.

4/27/2009 6:51:38 PM

NO. For oh so many reasons.

In my experience, mostly because you eventually end up back in their pants.

4/27/2009 6:56:25 PM

Contact out of the blue == "Hey I fucked some other relationship up and now I'm extra lonely and would you please have pity on me?"

4/27/2009 6:58:32 PM

Yeah that was the first thing I thought of as well hence why I made it pretty clear pretty fast I didnt want to know how she was or how her life was or even care to talk. Nothing good could have come from that except old feelings I have finally buried being revisited and fuck that shit

4/27/2009 7:03:28 PM

^^
^

4/27/2009 7:05:15 PM

depends on how and why you broke up. most of the time, i haven't seen any reason to have bad blood. I'm either friends with or just disinterested with all of the girls i've dated, with the exception of my daughter's mother (the only one that I'm actually stuck with in some fashion for the foreseeable future...and that's only because of all the terrible stuff she's done to me in terms of keeping my little girl from me and robbing me blind).

[Edited on April 27, 2009 at 7:48 PM. Reason : asfd]

4/27/2009 7:46:29 PM

Quote :

"Contact out of the blue == "Hey I fucked some other relationship up and now I'm extra lonely and would you please have pity on me?""

QFT

4/27/2009 8:31:32 PM

If you weren't friends before the relationship... then don't bother. I've seen this a million times and it never works.

In all cases, someone is going to end up still liking the other and that will fuck everything up. 99.99% of the time, friendship is impossible after relationships.

4/27/2009 8:34:13 PM

separation time is a must. you need time to get back to being you for you.

of all my exes, i am still friends with all but maybe 2, and that's due to lack of attempted contact. no loss though.

sidenote:

if you get engaged after dating for less than, say, a year and a half, you're an idiot. it takes years to really get to know a person. wait. if they're worth it, then the wait will be worth it.

4/27/2009 8:44:44 PM

Depends on how mature you both are. If you nor her can handle being friends in a civil manner, that will put strain on your other relationships, then I say don't. Don't emotionally invest in her if she's going to take you for a ride (and no, I didn't mean the sexual kind).

I've been across the board with my exes- never talked to again after breaking up, to better friends after dating. All depended on the guy.

I'm also atypical as a woman- I won't hesitate to apply the 'kill switch' to a friendship or relationship if I think there's nothing solidly there for the present and future, and don't wish to get bogged down in sentimentality.

4/27/2009 9:48:28 PM

^civility is overrated. Sometimes you need to tell people to fuck off when you know being friends with them will only cause problems in the long run.

Quote :

"Contact out of the blue == "Hey I fucked some other relationship up and now I'm extra lonely and would you please have pity on me?" "

True, or they're in the process of trying to fuck up their current relationship.

[Edited on April 27, 2009 at 9:57 PM. Reason : ...]

4/27/2009 9:56:34 PM

You should probably give me her number. She was bangin.

4/27/2009 11:15:09 PM

My personal philosophy is... "friends can't be lovers, and lovers can't be friends." Sometimes the first part turns out to actually be ok but I honestly don't see how 2 people who were in love with each other could be friends afterwards and be involved in each other's life...

I suggest you just be cordial and nothing further.

4/27/2009 11:16:24 PM

^ I agree with you entirely and that has been my stance all along. She disagreed intensely and begged me to not force a clean break and cut all contacts. She has a history of threatening to hurt herself, for example when I considered breaking up with her after prom. She's not "stable" by any stretch of the imagination, but she was pretty hot, lol. Her mother even tried to change my mind after speaking with me on the phone, saying that things shouldn't be Black and White between us. Anyway, she's still alive, so it was just hot air. Thanks for the advice guys, but I figured I had it right from the start.

4/28/2009 2:52:30 PM

It's never black and white, but glad you figured out what you want.

4/28/2009 2:57:53 PM

I think anytime the realtionship lasts longer than a few months, it makes a firendship afterwards difficult. My last relationship lasted for 3+ years and ended in Janurary. I've tried to remain friendly (mostly becasue we are in a situation where we have to have contact for a littl while longer, a situation which he keeps dragging out), but he still habors feelings so it makes it very difficult. I think the only way a long term relationship can turn into a friendship is after a significant amount of time has passed, and even then it's iffy. My high school sweetheart of 2 1/2 years and I are friends now, but it's after 7 years has passed and it is a very stressful friendship at times. Now, if you only dated a few months, I think it could totally work, because you liked each other somewhat, just not enough for something serious. As long as sex stays out of the equation, and your next SO is ok with it, no big deal.

4/29/2009 10:45:14 AM

Quote :

"I think the only way a long term relationship can turn into a friendship is after a significant amount of time has passed, and even then it's iffy. "

True

Quote :

"Now, if you only dated a few months, I think it could totally work, because you liked each other somewhat, just not enough for something serious. As long as sex stays out of the equation, and your next SO is ok with it, no big deal."

Thing is, a few months is a long time. If one person makes things too serious, then it's not gonna work since you are on different levels.

4/29/2009 11:18:59 AM

Well, to me a few months (like 3-4ish) is not a long time. It's enough time to get to know someone well enough to know that you like hanging out with them, but may not be your best fit romantically. I guess it's different with everyone and would depends on how much tme you actually spent with that person s well. If we're talking everyday here, then you, maybe it is a long time. And I agree, anytime two people's feeling towards each other are different it will most likely not end well if a friendship is carried out.

4/29/2009 11:48:22 AM

Quote :

"It's enough time to get to know someone well enough to know that you like hanging out with them, but may not be your best fit romantically."

true.

4/29/2009 11:54:10 AM

I simply do not talk to ex's. Fuck 'em. I have other things to do in my life than to be friendly with someone I used to fuck.

4/29/2009 2:51:09 PM

^here here !



tho it sucks when your careers intertwine

Its not like I'm just going to stop going to that bar

4/29/2009 2:55:30 PM

It's best not to remain friends with an ex, since anyone you date after her will probably be jealous. It's only natural. If he/she isn't, then she's either hiding it and lying, a sociopath, or is a pet rock. But if you dated your pet rock, you will probably have trouble dating anyone after it anyway that this should be the least of your worries.

Of course you still want to remain friends on the facebook. Then she can keep an eye on you and you can keep an eye on her. This is what she really wants anyway -- so she can feel good when whoever you date next isn't as pretty as she.

4/29/2009 5:35:39 PM

Quote :

"Contact out of the blue == "Hey I fucked some other relationship up and now I'm extra lonely and would you please have pity on me?" " True, or they're in the process of trying to fuck up their current relationship."

lol there are some bitter mofos on here. I've contacted old flings out of the before simply because something reminded me of them and I'm wondering what they're up to. And I used to think girls were the only ones who over-analyzed stuff like this

Being friends with exes can work. I'm really good friends with my one ex, the only reason we're not closer friends now is I live so far away. There's a couple of exes that I have talked to in years and I'm fine with that. My last ex we talk on and off but it's more of an acquaintance thing than anything by now.

You should to yourself and decide if you want to remain friends. I feel like the ex and their feelings shouldn't even be a consideration when making that decision, as callous as that sounds. If you know being friends with the ex is going to make you unhappy, don't do it. If you genuinely enjoy the person's company and believe there won't be drama, what's wrong with letting it turn into a friendship?

4/30/2009 2:19:19 AM

i'm friends with all of my exes except for the latest one.. but she was actually the first person to ever really fuck me over emotionally, so i cant really see us being friends any time in the near future.. if ever.

anyways

i learned a long time ago that the best thing to do after a breakup is totally remove that person from your life. it's the only way to completely heal in a reasonable amount of time.

4/30/2009 4:39:48 AM

Quote :

"It's best not to remain friends with an ex, since anyone you date after her will probably be jealous. It's only natural. If he/she isn't, then she's either hiding it and lying, a sociopath, or is a pet rock. But if you dated your pet rock, you will probably have trouble dating anyone after it anyway that this should be the least of your worries. Of course you still want to remain friends on the facebook. Then she can keep an eye on you and you can keep an eye on her. This is what she really wants anyway -- so she can feel good when whoever you date next isn't as pretty as she."

You know of whom I speak, lol. My facebook profile is set to public view, so it doesn't really matter if we are friends or not. She wasn't my pet rock, but she was definitely my sheep. Honestly, I helped change her life drastically for the better, so you could say that I was her good shepard. I think this is why she didn't want a clean break, because she didn't want that gravy train to end. I helped her get into NCSU, convinced her to pursue a masters, wouldn't let her quit her masters when she wanted too, and supported her through more than I can even put into words. Near the end, she seemed more like my sister than a girlfriend to me. The main reason the breakup was so abrupt was because I was attracted to other women and told her that. Later she denied that I was a driving force in her success. Such is life. In regards to the looks department, she had a few flaws, including a large and obvious scar across her cheek. Overall, I would say she was pretty hot, but she has already been topped when it comes to looks alone. I wish her the best, but if she wants to check up on me, she will have to stalk me, lol.

[Edited on April 30, 2009 at 9:25 AM. Reason : -]

4/30/2009 9:13:04 AM

Quote :

"She has a history of threatening to hurt herself, for example when I considered breaking up with her after prom. She's not "stable" ...Her mother even tried to change my mind after speaking with me on the phone, saying that things shouldn't be Black and White between us."

the first time is when you should´ve turned and run the other fucking way.
if she threatens to hurt herself, bitch is fucking crazy

4/30/2009 9:41:22 AM

Yes, I regret not ending it before it became serious, for my own sake, but at the same time, I see how happy she is now and how successful she has become, and it makes me very proud. It's a real mixed bag of emotions, because in high school she was completely invisible and perhaps even looked down upon. However, during our time together, she blossomed into the person that I knew she could become, the person that she did not see in herself. It was a huge mistake on my part, but it was also the best mistake I ever made.

4/30/2009 9:49:55 AM

i wouldn't have called her invisible or looked down upon. more in the background in many cases.

5/4/2009 4:20:37 PM

The looked down upon part was in regards to what other people were saying about her when I first started dating her. I got the "why are you dating her?" and the "what do you see in her?" comments from a number of people, specifically girls. I didn't see any reason why I shouldn't, she just seemed misunderstood, but apparently some of her long-time classmates did see reasons. When it comes to her being invisible, that's just my opinion. Compared to her, I was extremely visible, and she must of appeared to be an odd pick for me for the majority of my friends and classmates. That's all history now and has been proven wrong with my help, unless you ask her, and then it was all her doing.

5/4/2009 4:34:25 PM

Difficult question.

I think it depends on the personalities of the people involved.

I'm friendly with both of my ex's, though I'd consider them acquaintances (if that) if I were to categorize.

I don't contact them to say "hi" or "just thinking about you", however I will respond if they contact me. We generally talk for 5-10 and then that's that.

In both cases there was a period of no communication. One lasted just over a year and the other lasted about 2 months... I think (it was a long time ago).

I don't want to ever be really close friends with them, but don't see anything wrong with keeping in contact.

My view for your situation is that if both of you are mature enough to handle saying hello and acting normal in social situations without it being awkward, do that. Don't force a friendship or awkward drinks, but since you'll have to interact with each other it may not be a bad idea to "bridge the gap" so to speak.

5/4/2009 6:02:21 PM

In the grand scheme of things, we both used each other. I don't have any issue with being civil to her and carrying on a conversation, but she is a self-centered person and rarely talks about things other than herself. Basically, I could manage being polite in small doses, because she lacks the normal capacity to think of others first and the conversation would end up being very much about her. She handled the break-up in a very immature way, but perhaps she has changed since we last talked. That remains to be seen, but I'm almost positive she hates me, lol. Being civil will not be difficult for me, because I have very thick skin in any social situation, just ask anyone that knows me. It will be interesting to see how she holds up, hopefully better than I expect. I will bridge the gap at the very moment I am forced too, and not a second sooner. She has wasted years of my life already, I don't plan on devoting another second to her unless forced too.

[Edited on May 4, 2009 at 6:41 PM. Reason : -]

5/4/2009 6:34:00 PM

It sounds like to me that you're not ready to even try to be friends with her, regardless of the bravado you put up here.


You still have some very negative things to say about her, and believe me, those would bleed out into anything you try to start with her just as readily as they do here.



The honest truth of it is this: if she was so bad, or even if she wasn't, then you just need to chalk it up and let it go. There's no need to be friends with her.

5/4/2009 8:00:59 PM

It seems that everyone is in agreement, be civil and be nice, but nothing more. I made this thread to strengthen my resolve, because I hoped that the majority of people would agree with me, and they do. If I never had to interact with her again, this thread would never have been made, and the question of befriending her would have never been asked. Therefore, you can safely assume that I was never willing to befriend her again, which is true. Reason being, I think she is not friend material and it would be what she wanted all along. Circumstances dictated otherwise, so I wanted to know what people thought of my current situation, and as I presumed, most people think just like me. Basically, I want the eventual confrontation to be as painless as possible, and I wondered if befriending her would lessen the drama, and it appears that most people think it would simply make it worse. That sounds about right.

[Edited on May 4, 2009 at 10:00 PM. Reason : -]

5/4/2009 9:48:08 PM