I'm going to put this on TWW at the risk of getting some harsh opinions, so be easy

Ok here is the thing (this may get long and confusing...beware) my girlfriend of almost 7 years graduated from NCSU a year and a half ago with a degree in Animal Science (large animals). She plans to go to NCSU vet school, but until she gets in she has been looking for a job. Now, she got offered a job today in Macon county as an ag extension agent, and she's taking the job (which I would to, I'm happy for her). She's moving there Feb 15th, getting an apartment or house out there and plans on staying for a year or so (the length of the job).

Now, to move on with the story you have to know more about me and us. We have been dating on and off for almost 7 years, and have always had some problems but we work through them and move on. I myself am graduating this year from NCSU with a degree in Ag and Enviroment Engineering with plans to either find a job in construction or agriculture or go in and work with my father in his custom home business (my real dream). I have built this very successful business here detailing cars and have that to back me up until I get a "real" job (ie: steady income until I find another job). I have family, family land, friends and plans here where I live in Franklin county. Hell, I still need to graduate.

So here is the thing I need advice with. She does not want to do the long distance thing, she wants me to move up there with her for the next year. Now, she has a job waiting with steady income and a purpose to be there. I would have to leave my business behind, start over again in a new town (taken me 5 years in this town to build the business I have). I would have to take classes at a local community college there instead of NCSU. I would have no income until I got my degree (August) and then looked for a job (could take 6+ months). I leave behind my family and friends, hobbies and a town that I have never left.

I'm just not the "drop everything" kind of person. I have not even moved out yet (doing that when I get done with college, saving my money). My family has lived on our land since the late 1700's, and I plan to as well. I have been building relationships and connections here for future employment, and I have income now (and I job that I like). I love offshore fishing, and with my current location its only 2hrs to my parents beach house in Wrightsville to do that. I have customers in Wilmington that I wouldnt get to as often. I would pretty much be dropping every customer I had without notice or a solution of an alternative detailer.

By this point I am sure you are all thinking either "wow, I just wasted my life reading that" or " you already sound like you know what you want to do". I do know what I want to do, I want to stay here 100%. What I am looking for is an opinion on whether or not that is selfish and greedy of myself to do this when the girl I could potentially marry thinks I should drop everything here and move with her. Its so simple in her eyes, she just does not realize how big of a deal this is for me.

So there, respond, roll your eyes, weigh in, die of boredom. Remember, go easy.

1/20/2011 8:38:05 PM

I just want to start by saying you do NOT sound selfish. On the contrary, you sound like you're being responsible and not dropping everything, so kudos to you.

I don't understand why she is not willing to do the long distance thing if she plans on applying to NCSU's vet school? I guess I should also ask what are the chances of her actually getting in, and when is she applying? Is she applying to other places?


Just fyi, I moved to Birmingham last August and my fiance' is still in Raleigh. I am going to move back to Raleigh or somewhere close (hopefully, providing there are jobs open) once I graduate in spring 2012. Eric most likely isn't moving up here - because he would have to drop everything in Raleigh and it is kind of silly to move here for a year or less when he has a job up there, a lease, etc. But, we make it work, and I don't think he's selfish.

Sounds like she's being the selfish one, imo. :\

[Edited on January 20, 2011 at 8:49 PM. Reason : .]

1/20/2011 8:48:56 PM

Sounds like to me she's the selfish one who hasn't thought everything through in terms of you moving to her. It's only a year and then she's moving back to Raleigh so that's a lot to do if you're not 100% into this.

Especially since you're not done with school, you have a business, friends, and family. She should be more understanding. It can't always be about her.

1/20/2011 8:49:06 PM

Potentially marry is not the same as will marry. Stay.

1/20/2011 8:49:53 PM

Tough decision, definitely.

Before making any choice, I would make sure she has a damned good reason for not wanting to do the long distance thing. It seems pretty selfish of her to expect you to uproot yourself, sacrifice your business, possibly take a hit to the quality of education you're receiving, leave friends/family, and move in with her for her job that (from what it sounds like) is not permanent.
That's a pretty big gamble to take. Of course, very few relationships work out without a sacrifice on both ends. I would just question why she's asking you to make the sacrifice... and make sure she has a better reason than "I don't want to be lonely" or "I'm afraid we'll drift apart if we don't see each other all the time".

1/20/2011 8:49:56 PM

dude youve dated off and on for the last 7 years....dont make the move.

1/20/2011 8:50:42 PM

^3, ^2

Both very, very good points... Especially EMCE's sacrifice comment.

[Edited on January 20, 2011 at 8:51 PM. Reason : ^ that one too ]

1/20/2011 8:51:21 PM

I just hate that she's the one that is moving, and suggesting that I go with her...then I say I dont want to (for all the reasons above) and the first thing that comes out of her mouth is "I would move for you". It makes me feel horrible, I mean, I think she would move for me but I would never ask her to (plus the fact that there are jobs here for me, so I dont want to move if I had to).

1/20/2011 8:58:12 PM

You should figure out why she doesn't want to do long distance. It sounds like there are trust issues in your relationship, and she may be afraid you're going to cheat on her. I might be completely wrong, but reading between the lines, that is exactly what I see. And she probably doesn't want to uproot and leave all of her family either, and you're the only one she can reasonably expect might agree to go.

[Edited on January 20, 2011 at 9:00 PM. Reason : Not saying you should go--just saying these might be her issues.]

1/20/2011 9:00:19 PM

^I really dont know why she does not want to do the long distance thing. I mean, we talked about it while she was driving home today from the interview, and once I gave an indication I would not want to leave it went from a discussion about me moving out there...to how dissapointed she is that I wont go and how that shows her I am not totally in love with her.

1/20/2011 9:03:11 PM

I'm not gonna lie, in the beginning I used the line, "I would move for you" quite a few times. But, looking back I know I can say I was being selfish and was just extremely lonely seeing as I literally knew no one here (except classmates, and I barely knew them). Then I realized how much it wouldn't work and that I was being a tad ridiculous, so I stopped I guess my whole point with this is that it wasn't about trust for me, it was about being lonely as hell

Quote :

"and how that shows her I am not totally in love with her."

uhhhh... and you're still with her why?

[Edited on January 20, 2011 at 9:06 PM. Reason : .]

1/20/2011 9:05:43 PM

you don't want to assume that you would be able to finish your degree at the local community college by august. i would highly encourage you to verify the feasibility of this

1/20/2011 9:08:31 PM

^^I mean, I am in love with her which is why I am willing to do long distance and make a 10hr round trip drive on the weekends (in a truck that gets 12mpg). Its her that assumes that because I wont go it automatically means that she's not the one.

^I only have 2 classes left, but I did tell her this. I should be able to finish by august, god willing.

[Edited on January 20, 2011 at 9:09 PM. Reason : .]

1/20/2011 9:08:50 PM

I wouldn't do it. You have worked your ass off getting that business going. You've got all your roots, family, friends and land. AND you still need to finish school? No way Jose.

1/20/2011 9:09:41 PM

I recently moved to Louisville with my g/f of over 4 years to Louisville because she was starting dental school. The only real challenge has been finding work, but I did some horrible political work for a few months and have now found more long term employment. That said, a great opportunity work in sales is presenting itself in Chicago and if I am offered the position, I'll move.

Long distance relationships are certainly tough, but I think the most telling is that you said "potentially" marry. I have no doubt that my g/f and I will end up married which is why I came out to KY and why I know it'll work if I move to Chicago. If I had any reservations, I wouldn't have moved in the first place.

that's my two cents

1/20/2011 9:21:12 PM

Fill this bad boy out with what happens in each scenario, and lay it in front of your girlfriend. Explain how she's concentrating on 1/4th of the possible outcomes (you move, and the relationship works out)

-	Relationship works out	Relationship doesn't work out
You Move
You don't Move

1/20/2011 9:22:22 PM

^^I say potentially marry for a reason. I KNOW she is the girl I want to marry, however she is insecure about our relationship and it often rips and tears whatever good we have apart. She has no reason to be insecure, I have never cheated, I dont have any exes, and I am a pretty thoughtfull bf. Often things will be going great and then she gets on some subject and then an argument follows, repeating the cycle.

Confusing really.

^ Nice haha, I love graphics.

[Edited on January 20, 2011 at 9:24 PM. Reason : .]

[Edited on January 20, 2011 at 9:25 PM. Reason : .]

1/20/2011 9:24:05 PM

Sorry to say this man, but if she's pulling the "you're not really in love with me" card and not really thinking about how you have roots (just thinking about her situation); then something is off.

I would clearly communicate to her how rooted you are here, and how important it is for you to not move, if she can't understand that then she's only thinking of herself, and you need to just let her go.


Off and on for 7 years huh? Maybe this can be the catalyst that decides it for good. Either she'll leave and stay gone, or not. You gotta handle your business though.


And don't take this marriage shit too lightly. I almost married a girl like that (we split up about 3 months before the wedding), and I'm glad I didn't marry her. Don't get me wrong, it was good with her, but she wasn't the one, so its cool.

[Edited on January 20, 2011 at 9:28 PM. Reason : Use your brain dude.]

1/20/2011 9:26:40 PM

Quote :

"however she is insecure about our relationship and it often rips and tears whatever good we have apart. She has no reason to be insecure,"

having been that girl (granted not in a 7 year relationship) she's not ready to settle down with you. she's using the move and giving you the ultimatum of you moving with knowledge that you probably won't want to move. it gets her out of the relationship without having to feel guilty for ending it.

1/20/2011 9:29:47 PM

^That is really what I think is happening. It really is tragic as this morning I thought things were great and I had a good time hanging with her last night and I thought I was a good person that was on a good path in life. Fast foward 12hrs and all of a sudden I am the guy that wont move and it could potentially end a 7 year relationship.

Another, "she's mad at me and I havent even done anything wrong"

1/20/2011 9:32:49 PM

the #1 thing here that hasn't been mentioned is that you're still in school...

she really expects you to put school on hold to move with her for a year?

red flag and definitely selfish

long distance sucks but a year? seriously, anyone can do that

now #2, you have some very strong opinions on where you'd like to live and for good reason. your side business has been established and you have family connections you'd like to stay close to. does she know about this? if she can't get on board with something you feel so strongly about, you should really consider where this relationship is going

1/20/2011 9:34:09 PM

Just curious, do you not think this thread is going to end up hurting her when she sees this? I just don't understand why people air their dirty laundry on forums that are public.

[Edited on January 20, 2011 at 9:35 PM. Reason : ]

1/20/2011 9:34:56 PM

^There is pretty much no chance she will see this. She is a facebook and email only type of person, the fact that I participate in several forums always amuses her.

1/20/2011 9:39:37 PM

occamsrezr moved with me when I got offered a job in Japan. It could have ended badly, but instead we're getting married

1/20/2011 9:55:25 PM

Ending up in a new place even if the relationship doesn't work out isnt the end of the world. I moved to NC 11 years ago for a girl, and it didn't even last a year. But moving here was the best decision of my life in the end and I'm much happier for it.

1/20/2011 10:01:57 PM

Stay and finish school. A year isn't that long and if she really loved you, she wouldn't be asking you to sacrifice your future/career over a year apart.

Also (and it may sound crass), considering your on-again, off-again status, maybe it's just time to be "off-again" for a while.

I feel I should add this: I started dating my girlfriend when she went to Wake Forest. I live and work in Raleigh. In August, she moved to Michigan to get her PhD in a 4 year program. I told her I couldn't go for a variety of reasons (homeowner, jobs in my field in Michigan don't exist/pay poorly, I'm a year away from getting vested in my retirement package, etc.), and she completely understood. As much as I wish I was up there with her (excluding the whole "It's Michigan" thing) we both realized that even though we plan to be together, in the near-term, it's best that she's there and I'm here. We fly back and forth and see each other once a month, and video chat just about every night, and while it sucks being apart, it's probably for the best for now.

[Edited on January 20, 2011 at 10:27 PM. Reason : .]

1/20/2011 10:19:33 PM

^ Truth. You should definitely stay until you have finished school. My last boyfriend tried to talk me into dropping out of State my final year and move up to Cincinnati with him. I would have really regretted it if I had not finished my degree with only 3 semesters left.

1/20/2011 10:22:28 PM

My friend did this. She dumped his ass after moving there. Now he is living as a pauper and looking to move back to his hometown.

1/20/2011 10:30:57 PM

Hmm...I say don't move. It doesn't sound like the relationship is strong enough to survive long-distance. If she's insecure, you've been on and off, and arguing over such a short-term thing as her moving for a year, then those are all red flags to me. You would know you were in a more stable relationship if you could rationally discuss the obvious benefits of her moving, and you staying, for both of your careers and resultant future together, and being apart wouldn't be such a horrifying issue.

And, quite frankly, I wouldn't bank on her getting into NCSU's vet school- she does realize how ridiculously competitive any graduate/professional program is these days? I was pre-vet at one time, and the application requirements alone were enough to make me look into research instead.

1/20/2011 10:36:36 PM

If you leave there's no way I can get my car detailed once spring starts.

I vote stay.

I also agree with most of the points in this thread. If your roles were switched, I highly doubt she'd move. She would tell you youre being inconsiderate and asking her to sacrifice too much.

1/20/2011 10:39:52 PM

Quote :

"I only have 2 classes left, but I did tell her this. I should be able to finish by august, god willing."

would it be a NCSU degree or a Comm College degree??

Also, do you live together now and if not, are you planning on moving in together?


[Edited on January 20, 2011 at 11:11 PM. Reason : ...]

1/20/2011 11:08:15 PM

^NCSU degree

1/20/2011 11:10:05 PM

If you’ve never left home, what’s a year off to try something new?

Maybe the “compromise” could be that it MUST only be a year on your end, then she either goes to vet school, or do the long-distance thing (or break up— most marriages that end in divorce do so at 6+ years anyway).

Your house/family/land and probably even business would all still be there after a year.

1/20/2011 11:32:43 PM

I would think long and hard about this (that's what she said).
But seriously, you said you've never had another gf, this relationship is off and on, and she's not being considerate of your situation -- which, honestly, you're in a position to make a lot of money. And in this economy, that is VITAL. You're about to graduate, you've got a great business that you built up, you've got family land and a potential job with your dad, and you DON'T want to move.

Don't sacrifice this.

It really sounds to me - don't take this the wrong way - that you're afraid to start over with a new girl, and you're settling for this one b/c you know her, her family, and it fits with the stereotypical "college-job-family" lifestyle.
Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. If this ends (which I can see happening if she's unwilling to do long-distance while she's gone for a year or more), you can focus on yourself, your business, your degree, and hanging with friends (TWW has lots of love to give!).

Echoing what a lot of others in this thread have said, she seems to be the selfish one here, and is just pulling the "I'd move for you" card b/c it's NOT happening to her. Let her take the job and gain experience - she needs to do things for herself and not be afraid to be in a new area. Right now, she's being unreasonable.

I moved to Indiana with my bf after graduating in 2009, and we had some problems, but worked through them and now we're married. I weighed my options of staying in NC versus moving here -- but I didn't have all the roots you have here (there... I miss NC).

I hope the people on here help you with your decisions, and good luck to you both!!

1/20/2011 11:40:19 PM

My g/f of 2 years (will be 3.5 years when relevant), expects me to move so we can be together while she can goes to grad school in chapel hill (or insert other school here). My simple answer is fuck no. I am currently the bread winner, and the degree she wants is offered here at UNCW otherwise we can do the long distance thing. As this is the only thing besides her finishing her undergrad, holding us up from potentially getting married it has become a big deal.

IMHO once she is done with graduate school making $90,000K+ a year as a PA or NP I'll move to NY, Fargo ND, or downtown Chapel Gay if she so desires. Until then my job is the money winner.



[Edited on January 20, 2011 at 11:42 PM. Reason : ll]

1/20/2011 11:41:07 PM

^^^If he's so close to graduating, that's ridiculous to uproot and go to community college. Finish the degree, and maybe offer to move to Macon County then.

[Edited on January 20, 2011 at 11:41 PM. Reason : ^]

1/20/2011 11:41:12 PM

Didn't read the rest of the thread, but I would be very reluctant to move anywhere for a chick without putting a ring on her finger first. Stuff happens, and if yall aren't sure after 7 years whether you're trying to get married or not, then I don't think you should be moving somewhere for her. Not to mention if she is so selfish to force your hand and make you move to keep the relationship going, you may have trouble down the road. People don't change and someone giving an ultimatum like this sets a bad precedent.

1/20/2011 11:46:02 PM

Quote :

"the #1 thing here that hasn't been mentioned is that you're still in school... she really expects you to put school on hold to move with her for a year? red flag and definitely selfish long distance sucks but a year? seriously, anyone can do that"

Wolfy is right. If you do this, it's going to create resentment and that's going to be a lifelong thing in your relationship.

Moving to be with the one you love (in my opinion) only works when you are both happy individually. If you move to be with her, but you aren't happy there by yourself, you shouldn't do it. How can you expect to have a happy, healthy relationship when only one of you is actually happy?

That said, I think it's worth re-evaluating things after you graduate. Finish school and then take a look at your life, your career options, and what you want out of life. Things change over time, especially after graduation, and you may feel much more ready to take that leap in a years time.

If you two really love each other, you will work it out. Hell, you guys are only a few HOURS away from each other. That isn't even really long distance. You can see each other every damn weekend.

I live on the other side of the country from my now fiance for 8 months before she was able to come out here and try living with me. Now THAT was fucking hard, but we worked through it.

1/20/2011 11:48:06 PM

Yeah that bitch is selfish as fuck and looking for an out. Friend of mine had a near exact story...first girlfriend, dated 6 years, off and on again, she wanted to marry, he more or less was planning on it but not ready...etc. he graduated and got a job an hour away while she had two years or so left, thought they could do long distance.

Long story short, she went to his good friend's house in virginia to fuck about a week after my buddy graduated and about three months later was engaged to the new guy.

It was the best thing that could have happened to my buddy.

Okay maybe its not nearly the same as your situation but I wanted to tell it anyway

1/20/2011 11:48:50 PM

Do not leave school for any reason (especially when you're so class to graduating).

1/20/2011 11:50:40 PM

If she loves you and cares about you as much as she claims she does, she'll let you finish what you need to finish and let you take care of your business.

1/20/2011 11:55:29 PM

^^^Name calling is not appropriate in this thread, move that shit to Chit Chat. While your opinion is your own, calling *any* girl a bitch (other than in a rap song reference) is unacceptable.

[Edited on January 20, 2011 at 11:56 PM. Reason : .]

1/20/2011 11:56:31 PM

When I was deciding if I should move with my boyfriend or not, I called my Mom. She thought it was a good idea. I would ask someone that knows your relationship first hand, instead of random people. But I guess if I felt the need to ask random people, then I wouldn't go.


I've lived with my boyfriend since october and it was the best decision I've made in a long time. But that was after he spent the summer in Belgium. I think its a good idea for all couples to spend some time apart.

1/20/2011 11:59:40 PM

^^ Ok dude, I get that you're defending your girl, and while that's admirable, some girls (not your's necessarily) really are/really do things worthy of being called bitches. If you honestly don't believe that, then you may want to consider that you need to gain a little more life/girl experience before making such a major move to be with a girl.

1/21/2011 12:03:06 AM

^^ I would rather not ask random people as it really isnt appropriate, however I dont really have anyone else I can talk to about this. My parents are pretty narrow minded, my friends could care less what I do (they will always be on my side), and I dont want to go behind her back and talk to her family.

^No I agree, some girls deserve it , however I dont think it applies in this case.

[Edited on January 21, 2011 at 12:03 AM. Reason : .]

[Edited on January 21, 2011 at 12:05 AM. Reason : .]

1/21/2011 12:03:08 AM

I was sure my family would disown me, but to my surprise, they went along with it.

1/21/2011 12:08:23 AM

Listen to the internet. Stay in school.

I'd also like to point out that it's pretty silly for her to go "hey, uproot your life in Raleigh and put it on hold so you can come live with me for a year before we come back to Raleigh if I'm able to get into Vet School"

The other question you need to ask her is: If you don't get into Vet School, what will you do then?

1/21/2011 12:09:40 AM

way too many red flags with her behavior as you've described it.

Obviously you have a lot going on here between school and the business you've built. The fact that she _expects_ you to drop all that and follow her to bumfuck county, NC for a year is telling.

The fact that she used your logical reservations about leaving all of that behind to question your love and commitment is some serious manipulative shit.

I would strongly recommend you not go.

1/21/2011 12:11:02 AM

^ What he said.

If she's a girl worth having, she'll eventually realize that she's being unreasonable and will want to take steps to make the long-distance thing work. If she's not, yall will break up, it'll hurt a lot for a while, and then you'll realize that you're a lot better off without her. Sounds like you really love her, so I hope for your sake the first scenario happens, but from what you've described, I don't see this ending well. Sorry

1/21/2011 12:14:20 AM

Solid advice in this thread. Finish school then reevaluate the situation with a heavy bias toward staying in Raleigh.

1/21/2011 12:40:05 AM