My granddad died yesterday. Merry Christmas! My dad is understandably taking it very hard, and even though he was old (92nd birthday was this week) it was completely unexpected in that he hadn't been sick or anything leading up to it.

My dad has two living sisters, one of whom hasn't talked to the rest of the family for years. Something happened, nobody's ever told me what, and now they all hate her. I still talk to her via email once or twice a year. I don't like her, but then again I don't like anybody in my family so it's not that big of a deal. She sent a Christmas card addressed only to me to my Dad's house, which he found pretty funny.

So my granddad (her dad) died yesterday, and nobody has told her. They don't plan on it, and they have implied that they don't want me to. I haven't pressed the matter because I don't want to make things harder on my dad. Furthermore, I've had a rocky relationship with my dad my whole life (have gone a year without talking to him on more than one occasion), but it's the best it's ever been now (talk to him on the phone at least once a week, text each other regularly, etc).

It seems unconscionable to me to not tell my aunt that her father has died. At the same time, I know my dad, and this is the type of thing that could lead to a major rift–possibly a permanent one–if I call her to tell her.

tl;dr I have a garbage family who won't tell my aunt that her dad died and I might have no family at all if I tell her myself. What in God's name am I supposed to do?

12/25/2014 1:47:44 PM

She has the right to know I'd say. If she has email, have someone else let her know... or use a fake account as to not tie yourself to it if you'd like.

12/25/2014 1:53:07 PM

Have a courrier send her an anonymous message. Then act surprised.

[Edited on December 25, 2014 at 2:06 PM. Reason : ]

12/25/2014 1:53:53 PM

That's hard and I can't relate at all. I feel like telling her is the right thing to do. She absolutely deserves to know. But at the expense of your own relationship with your family? That's a terrible position to be in, especially considering you and your family are already mourning. I assume they don't want her at the funeral, which is why the don't want you to tell her. Mail her the obit with no return address on the envelope? She won't know who sent it.

12/25/2014 7:05:20 PM

i don't care what happened in the past, it's pretty shitty your dad can't do the decent thing and tell her her dad died. talk about childish

12/25/2014 7:27:27 PM

Regardless of how the family feels about your aunt, no one knows the relationship she shared with her father. How do you know if they didn't share a weekly phone call? Regardless, she has a right to know, and your family is acting like a bunch of assholes. ..

12/25/2014 10:48:48 PM

Man, this thread makes me very thankful for how close and tight knit my whole family is. Easy to take something like that for granted.

[Edited on December 26, 2014 at 12:03 AM. Reason : d]

12/26/2014 12:03:23 AM

Quote :

"That's hard and I can't relate at all. "

I'm Krallum and I approved this message.

12/26/2014 11:18:06 AM

Death is not something that uniquely belongs to any one family. You could make the argument that it belongs to religion and God because only God can take and make life, so you would only be relaying as a messenger that her father passed, not violating the proprietary rights of an event that belongs only to the family.

If your family has mercy, they would forgive you for breaching "confidentiality" because death is a matter of public record, and notice must legally be given to members of the community. This is why many statutes require publication of "death notices," which goes to creditors, unpaid taxes, etc.
It is also why death notices are published whether or not the family pays for an upgraded obituary with an enhanced narrative or photograph.
So since you are certainly not keeping any secrets from the world, if you feel that giving personal notice to your Aunt would be the right thing to do, I think you should follow your conscience, but be prepared for the full consequences, although most emotional turmoil would be misdirected mourning and feelings of loss. If you do not wish to compromise your rebuilt relationship with your father, you should not be the one to give personal notice.

12/26/2014 11:45:18 AM

Do they still print obituaries?

I'm Krallum and I approved this message.

12/26/2014 12:58:06 PM

Quote :

"i don't care what happened in the past, it's pretty shitty your dad can't do the decent thing and tell her her dad died. talk about childish"

12/26/2014 1:36:20 PM

You should tell your dad he needs to tell his sister.

Then you should tell her yourself, in case he doesn't. She deserves to be able to go to her dad's funeral, no matter what shit went down. This isn't something you can make up for in the future. Your dad/other aunt don't have to make up/forgive their estranged sister, but they're in the wrong for not telling her. They need to know how petty and stupid they are being right now.

12/26/2014 5:27:34 PM

My granddad hated funerals and generally refused to go to them, so we're not doing anything formal.

Anyways, I sent my dad an email laying out my position and giving him the opportunity to do the right thing. Didn't call because the chances of him letting me get my point across in that medium are virtually nil. Sending a letter (like, a real one, on paper) to my aunt in the morning.

12/26/2014 6:49:28 PM

good for you.

sometimes people are stupid and hold grudges waaaaaaaaaaaaay longer than they need to. my grandad and his brother did not get along/speak for longer than i had been alive. my great uncle had cancer (lung/liver/skin) and was in bad shape for a few years before he died. my dad tried like hell to get his father to make up/talk with his (only) brother before he died, but he never would. it was stupid. but people are stubborn.

but yeah, regardless of the funeral situation, she deserves to know her father died. you seem to have handled this situation very well.

12/26/2014 6:54:02 PM

Quote :

"i don't care what happened in the past, it's pretty shitty your dad can't do the decent thing and tell her her dad died. talk about childish"

This pretty much sums it up for me. I don't want to jump to conclusions since I don't know your family at all, but it objectively sounds like your dad is a shitty person.

She's got a right to know. Doesn't matter if your dad doesn't want her to or not. He doesn't get to dictate stuff like that.

[Edited on December 27, 2014 at 8:07 PM. Reason : .]

12/27/2014 8:06:56 PM

You've done the right thing. However this pans out, remember that. You have done the right thing.

12/27/2014 11:24:36 PM

^ yep

12/27/2014 11:56:35 PM

If there are no further posts from the OP ITT I will simply assume he's just away for a while doing hard time after the massive family brawl that ensued.

12/28/2014 7:59:29 AM

Does your grandfather have any money/assets in his estate? Somebody is going to have to tell her if that is the case.

Either that, or lie in probate court at the courthouse which is a really bad idea.

12/28/2014 10:42:59 AM

Quote :

" You've done the right thing. However this pans out, remember that. You have done the right thing"

Yes you are. Be proud that you're the only real adult in your family.

12/29/2014 9:10:37 AM

Quote :

"You could make the argument that it belongs to religion and God because only God can take and make life, so you would only be relaying as a messenger that her father passed, not violating the proprietary rights of an event that belongs only to the family."

are you serious?

12/29/2014 1:57:43 PM

literally that

12/29/2014 2:01:55 PM

seems to me that if the aunt wanted to know what was going on with her father she would have kept up enough to know that he died... the burden shouldn't be on you (OP) imo.

12/29/2014 3:41:38 PM

is she supposed to be psychic? her father wasn't sick, he died out of the blue as stated in the original post. how is she supposed to know he died if no one told her?

the burden SHOULDN'T be on the OP, but it is because his family is being dumb (no offense).

12/29/2014 4:09:45 PM

^x4

yes I am completely serious. Death and Birth are a matter of public record and belong to the state, not only to the family. Any death mandates public record, notice to creditors, and to the government (for taxes), in every jurisdiction.

For example, in NC:

Quote :

"[Affidavit Of Notice To Creditors, AOC-E-307] After letters are issued, a personal representative must advertise for creditor’s claims against the estate in a newspaper “qualified to publish legal advertisements” which is published in the county where the estate is being administered. If there is no qualified newspaper printed in the county, then:"

.... see 2014 Estate Procedures by North Carolina Administrative Office of the Courts http://www.nccourts.org/forms/documents/735.pdf (full outline detailing how to handle death / estate administration in NC)

[Edited on December 29, 2014 at 6:14 PM. Reason : ]

12/29/2014 6:10:54 PM

Uh, no one is debating that the state should be notified. You said one could argue that death belongs to religion, which is the silliest thing I've read in a long time.

Back to the point at hand: I'm sorry you're dealing with this, Jon. I think your course of action is an appropriate and considered as is possible in this situation.

12/29/2014 9:27:37 PM

So, for those of you who are following along at home, here's what happened. My stepmom responded to my email and said that they still didn't have any intention of telling my aunt about it but that they wouldn't hold it against me if I did.

I told my aunt about it. She thanked me for telling her and asked me for my mom's contact information. They were really good friends way back in olden times, before my mom (very smartly) divorced my dad. So maybe that's something good that came of it.

All in all, I feel much, much better after talking to my aunt about it. I talked to my dad about the quasi-funeral today and he said it went well, while basically pretending I never mentioned the deal with my aunt. That will likely continue until...well, given that my granddad just died at 92, for 30-something more years.

On a lighter note, I've had three people in my family say "I had no idea you got so emotional!" (or something alone those lines) in the past few days re: this shit, which was pretty hilarious. I didn't realize my lack of emotion when watching Pawn Stars and House Hunters with you once a year gave you such a stoic impression of myself.

12/30/2014 12:41:10 AM

Quote :

"You've done the right thing. However this pans out, remember that. You have done the right thing"

Damn right. Also, I think you went about it in a very proper way, and maybe your family actually gained respect for you. Hope so.

Kudos, man.

12/30/2014 1:03:33 AM

yep. did the right thing in the right way.

12/30/2014 2:15:10 AM

This thread had a happy ending.

12/30/2014 10:13:39 AM

yeah, other than the grandad dying. pretty solid ending!

12/30/2014 10:54:12 AM

Quality thread. Nice work, Spookyjon.

12/30/2014 12:13:06 PM

Quote :

"On a lighter note, I've had three people in my family say "I had no idea you got so emotional!" (or something alone those lines) in the past few days re: this shit, which was pretty hilarious"

That's the kind of somewhat benign comment I could see one my relatives saying to me that would put me through the fucking roof.

[Edited on December 30, 2014 at 12:33 PM. Reason : a]

12/30/2014 12:32:47 PM

Sounds like a childish and immature family. I'd say cut'em loose.

12/30/2014 1:06:43 PM

now that the thread has been resolved, can we continue to make fun of stategrad100's post?

12/30/2014 1:10:22 PM

I hold myself single-handedly responsible for giving the most candid and helpful advice ITT and resolving this young man's issues.

He is a good young man, if at oft-times misunderstood.

I prescribe 2 years of therapeutic intervention with a licensed clinical psychologist.

12/30/2014 2:09:39 PM

Quote :

"Sounds like a childish and immature family. I'd say cut'em loose."

Yup.

At a certain point you've got to realize and deal with the fact that sharing a little bit of DNA with someone doesn't mean that you have to include them as part of your life. If you have no interest in dealing with them, or if they're shitty human beings just walk away like you would with anybody else.

12/30/2014 5:37:03 PM