Believe it or not, I dated a woman from mid 2017 til early/mid 2018. The breakup was not bitter or rough.

She was amazing.

I still miss her every day. I'm lonely as fuck. I have no idea how to make friends to keep my mind off shit these days.

Before it's brought up, I gave a few tinder hookups a go to try to make myself feel better. If anything it only made things worse.

I'm pathetic.

Thanks for your time.

6/20/2019 8:37:16 PM

hey want to grab lunch

6/20/2019 9:30:57 PM

This a trick?

6/20/2019 10:04:43 PM

I feel you man

6/20/2019 10:58:42 PM

Quote :

"I'm pathetic."

I'm struggling with this. How are you pathetic for feeling normal emotions?

6/21/2019 12:30:48 AM

Struggling with similar issues or struggling with understanding why I said I'm pathetic?

[Edited on June 21, 2019 at 12:49 AM. Reason : ]

6/21/2019 12:49:21 AM

learn a new hobby

like paying an instrument

or flying lessons

or rock climbing

or mountain biking

Or try your hand at some Kaggle competitions if you like math

Or move to another country and pretend you're living in pioneer times having to strike out and make it in adverse conditions.

[Edited on June 21, 2019 at 2:19 AM. Reason : ]

6/21/2019 2:18:49 AM

Where are your old friends?

Do you hang out with your work people?

You could join a gym and work off your worries there.

6/21/2019 7:58:27 AM

My suggestion is therapy, talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist. It does really help.

6/21/2019 8:12:01 AM

keep at it with the tinder thing. slam the yams till something sticks.

6/21/2019 10:27:00 AM

TWW is not a blog

6/21/2019 10:47:27 AM

Quote :

"learn a new hobby"

A good idea, but I'm struggling to have interest in much of anything lately.

Quote :

"Where are your old friends?"

Most don't live nearby. The 2-3 that do are recluses and/or married with children and at best I can get them to do something more than send a text maybe once a year.

Quote :

"Do you hang out with your work people?"

No and I have no desire to. One of the many reasons I need a new job. ha.

Quote :

"My suggestion is therapy, talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist. It does really help."

No shit, the last time I tried therapy was in February. The guy told me on day one he couldn't do anything for me. He really inspired confidence. I've never had luck with therapy, but I'm still willing to give it a shot. I just need to find someone that I "work well with". I can't say my motivation to go find another is very high after the last guy saying what he did. The meds the psychiatrist has me on are basically worthless to boot. I need another one of those as well since the guy I've been seeing is no longer in network with my insurance.

So yea, I'm just ruminating and latching on to the last time I felt great which was when I was dating this person who will barely speak to me since she rebounded fast as hell and says she's not comfortable being friends while she's dating someone. Just tell me you want fuck all to do with me ever again instead of telling me that bullshit, please.

6/21/2019 10:58:15 AM

)------(

6/21/2019 2:20:52 PM

Quote :

"Struggling with similar issues or struggling with understanding why I said I'm pathetic?"

With why you said pathetic.

6/21/2019 2:32:02 PM

^ feeling utterly hopeless to do anything about it while it continues to eat at me.

6/22/2019 8:53:21 PM

Don't be so hard on yourself man. Life is long. You'll come out of this period of your life a wiser man. Drop some acid if you want to shortcut the process and skip straight to ego death, but I'm sure you're gonna be fine. Enjoy the ride, quit stressing about the details so much

6/22/2019 11:10:53 PM

^ wise words.

You'll be good man. You gotta be your own champion. Love yourself, in any way you can

New hobbies and new communities can be really good. Take a chance. Step outside your comfort zone and you'll definitely be rewarded. Don't get stuck in a comfortable but yet lame rut. Do some different shit man! There are all kinds of ways to feel good that don't involve whatever their name is.

[Edited on June 22, 2019 at 11:29 PM. Reason : meetup.com is a pretty incredible resource ]

[Edited on June 22, 2019 at 11:35 PM. Reason : Hell even those kickball/softball groups are always a good time. Meet some people, get exercise, drink beer. All good.]

6/22/2019 11:27:32 PM

is ego death real and if so what are the benefits

6/23/2019 11:58:12 AM

Thanks for the kind words from everyone. I wish they were some sort of magic salve that'll fix it all, but it is nice to read from nice well meaning people.

Anyone willing to help my poor ass try to work on ego death? I've been looking into it for a while now but considering the lack of friends/safe people to try it around, that's just as much of a dream as everything else

6/23/2019 4:54:14 PM

It sounds like depression. Hit the gym then try ssris if that's not working

6/23/2019 10:01:08 PM

I've run the gamut on ssris, snris, atypical antisychotics, a few tricyclics, and a bunch of other randoms. Only thing I definitely haven't tried are MAOI's, ketamine, or something insane like ECT.

The gym can be good but it's benefits have been mild at best and always hit or miss

6/23/2019 11:36:47 PM

You may not want to hear this, but breakups are a good thing. Ending a relationship that isn't working, even if it is only not working for one person, is much better than a continued relationship where unhappiness isn't present. Even if the unhappiness starts with just one person, it'll creep through in a way that makes the other person miserable and wondering what is going on.

Until something definitive says otherwise, this is your one chance to live a life and find something about it to enjoy, so focus on that as your goal and you'll do much better than focusing on someone to complete you- regardless of if it's a girlfriend, friend, or even a dog. Those things can help make an incomplete person better, but it's just icing. The real thing is focusing on completing yourself, understanding what ou stand for, what you really like or dislike, what your value systems are, what things upset you the most about the world, etc. And there are lots of ways to get there. I've done it every way from running to staring in a campfire sipping on several glasses of whiskey to journaling while way too caffeinated and on some uber heavy edibles. There's something out there that will work for you, so you just have to figure out what it is.

And I'll tell you what, once you go through that process, you'll be better off and any relationship you hold will be that much better- again, friend, girlfriend, dog, whatever. I'm a huge extrovert but even some of my best moments are when it's just me getting to sit back and think about the things I described above.

I get if you think this sounds trite, or if you think I'm trivializing what you're going through. I don't mean it to be either, and I promise that isn't what I'm doing. I'm just trying to share what's worked for me in the several times I have been down and what's made me enjoy life a little more each day.

6/24/2019 9:34:55 AM

^solid advice.

I'll also add that society places way too much emphasis on being coupled up. Having a significant other isn't an indication of whether you're "normal" or successful. Being single lets you focus on yourself, not have to get permission or plan around anyone else and to have one less major responsibility to worry about, even on the good days. I used to struggle with loneliness, and still feel that way sometimes, it's natural, but I know that I'd rather be single the rest of my life than trying to make a failing relationship work.

Be skeptical and only date people where your exchange of time/freedom is really worth it, continue to improve yourself for you and not in the hope that it'll attract a partner, and it'll work out eventually. Also, be glad you broke up amicably, got out before it turned into a divorce, custody battle, alimony/child support payments, stepfathers, etc. and recognize that people you see that are in relationships (especially on social media) are often not as happy as they portray themselves to be. Not to shit on relationships or people who are happy in them, but I think a big part of being depressed/lonely is the social comparison and it helps to get past that part and work on you.

6/24/2019 11:14:18 AM

glad to see you're still a punk ass bitch

jk love you mean it

6/27/2019 2:09:23 PM

Christ, guys, I finally came back - tried to address some of your posts and then tacked on a bunch of extra personal stuff related to the breakup and after 4,000 words I deleted all of it.

Anyone still in Raleigh these days? I have literally zero friends and I need to go out and try to get my mind off things before I start in on trying to keep occupied in more subtle ways.

PS - I'm not trying to dismiss anyone's posts. I appreciate them all. I'll probably wind up posting the responses to the actual posts. I just got way carried away detailing the breakup details with L and right now it's going to be too annoying to separate them from the other responses.

[Edited on July 12, 2019 at 12:11 AM. Reason : ]

7/12/2019 12:08:46 AM

Oh hey, I realize it was a bad idea, but this sentence made it into a message to her and the thought of it just makes me even more sad.

"I feel like at this point you're probably wishing you'd never met me."

No, she never responded to it much less made any sort of comment on it.

I just assume it's true now.

[Edited on July 12, 2019 at 12:49 AM. Reason : ]

7/12/2019 12:47:57 AM

If you're gonna be tempted to send stuff like that, you gotta delete her number, unfriend/block her, etc. Sucks but rip off that band aid. Stop throwing bottle into the sea and start fishing.

7/12/2019 8:44:29 AM

This thread reminds me the ad of IBM---Dear Tech.

7/12/2019 8:55:25 AM

Quote :

"If you're gonna be tempted to send stuff like that, you gotta delete her number, unfriend/block her, etc. Sucks but rip off that band aid. Stop throwing bottle into the sea and start fishing."

Yea, I don't know why I would ever think that would be something that's acceptable to send to her at this point. Even if it is how I feel, it's not at all a productive thing to say, and she clearly doesn't seem to care how I feel in the slightest. Add it to the long list of ways I've done nothing but push her even further away.

Number has been deleted, by the way.

Did I mention I went 8 months without making contact until I fucked that up a few weeks ago? I'm worse than a relapsing addict.

7/12/2019 1:58:38 PM

Her lack of response is no indication that she agrees with your statement. it's just that she doesn't know what to say back or doesn't want to respond and encourage more contact because she's not sure what would happen if you two started communicating (e.g. would expectations be aligned, where does it go from there, etc.).

You obviously know this now, but don't write her again and do remove her number. Even if you have it memorized, typing out her number to text her gives you time to think and reconsider. Just pull out your phone and delete it right after you read this sentence.

7/12/2019 2:12:53 PM

Quote :

"Her lack of response is no indication that she agrees with your statement. it's just that she doesn't know what to say back or doesn't want to respond and encourage more contact because she's not sure what would happen if you two started communicating (e.g. would expectations be aligned, where does it go from there, etc.). You obviously know this now, but don't write her again and do remove her number. Even if you have it memorized, typing out her number to text her gives you time to think and reconsider. Just pull out your phone and delete it right after you read this sentence."

Man, that was some MUCH needed perspective. For way too long my head has constantly been clouded with selfish and overwhelming thoughts of abandonment, lack of self worth, and among other things, questioning whether or not she ever really cared--the latter of which is patently absurd. That's one thing I'm absolutely certain of deep down.

This is cliche as hell, but it's unreal the level of chemistry we had. I've never experienced anything close to that level of charisma/closeness (and I mean it's not even close) with someone before. Our senses of humour were perfectly complementary. We made one another laugh almost nonstop. Conversations were always easy to come by and we never struggled for something to talk about whether it was something intellectually stimulating or just random ridiculous thoughts. Everything we did together was always tons of fun for the simple fact we could always manage to entertain one another. That's only scratching the surface of the chemistry we had. I know all of that probably sounds normal and nothing to make a big deal out of, but I'm not even coming close to doing it justice. On top of that, she was by far the most supportive and caring person I've ever dated. Honestly, I'd never known what it was like to date someone who was supportive and caring until her. She always encouraged me to pursue things I was interested in, always believed in my ability to reach my goals, and constantly complimented me. Hell, it wouldn't surprise me if all of my exes gave me the most vague of compliments once a month, at best, but here L was, no joke, complimenting me a dozen or more times a day. And they weren't obnoxious, cheesy, or forced. She was just a decent human being being supportive of someone she genuinely cared about. Yes, by the way, I did the same for her and not because I felt obligated. She deserved every compliment and more, plus I just loved putting a giant smile on her face.

Okay, so no one probably wanted to read that.

Back to your comment that she doesn't know what to say back or doesn't want to respond and encourage more contact. I understand both, though as far as the first goes, I just wish she would say something...anything. I know I have no "right" to have a response, so don't get me wrong - I know she doesn't owe me anything. As far as not wanting to encourage contact, I did make a point to mention in the message that she doesn't have to worry about me sending tons of follow up texts and that she wouldn't even have to worry about me sending her anymore unsolicited texts, though if she decided to reach out she already knows that's always welcome. Having said that I realize that message can only do so much to allay any fears and that she still doesn't want to encourage more contact.

Alright, as if I hadn't turned this into a diary/blog entry already, I gotta bring one more thing up. After she changed her mind about being friends while she's dating someone. "I think it's best if we aren't friends while I'm dating someone. The relationship isn't a casual thing- my new apartment is actually with him. I don't want to be mean, but I need you to respect this decision." (As a side note, I've really tried to respect her decision, but with varying degrees of success. I'm embarrassed and pissed at myself that I've definitely let her down on that front on two occasions that I can think of. Once recently and once last year when Florence was decimating Wilmington. I got in touch because I was worried about her. She was more than okay with that.) So, in response to her message, I voiced my concerns, "You're not being mean. I don't want to cross any boundaries or disrespect your decisions. I always thought your current relationship was something serious and I hope it continues to go well for you. I just don't like the fact that things going well for you (which both of us want) essentially means you'll never have anything to do with me again. That's what I've been struggling with." She responded with, "That makes sense. I don't think this has to mean that we'll never have anything to do with each other again.. I just can't tell you with certainty when that would be. I really don't know. I'll reach out if things change. I'm sorry about the situation."

What do you guys make of that last comment? 1. Nothing: You're just torturing yourself like an idiot and nothing good can come of this. 2. She was trying to get you to leave her alone for good without telling you to fuck off to avoid having to deal with a possible bad reaction from you while inadvertently leaving a door open that she has zero intention of ever allowing you through. 3. Hey Jason, you fuckwit, why are you acting as if she's a different person than the one you fell for and have so many great memories of/with? Assuming you stop fucking up and can show her you actually do respect her decision, maybe she really will reach out one day if things don't work out with the guy she's dating. Having said that, she also made a comment previously, while she was being nice enough to try to help me understand her decisions and explain why we can't be friends. She said she's not comfortable being friends solely due to the fact that we used to see each other. Plus, we were involved from the beginning and had never been just friends. Then she made a comment that directly relates to her saying she'll reach out if things change. She said she feels that after having been so close to someone that then becoming "just friends" seems like it cheapens the connection. When it comes to explaining her feelings in regards to things like this I guess we also share a pretty shit ability to explain ourselves well. Although, I think I get what she's saying and I kind of feel the same way. How does this relate to her saying she'll reach out if things change? If she feels friendship is "cheap" after having been so close to one another, why would she ever reach out? And even if I were to magically turn into an optimist overnight there's no way I'd reasonably think she'd ever want to date me again.

Holy shit, did any of you stick it through to the end?

Hey, I know I'm getting way ahead of myself in parts and rambling in plenty of others. As almost everyone has said, I really need to be "selfish" right now and work on myself first and foremost. That much is clear. But, if any of you are feeling as masochistic as I was typing this jumbled mess out, feel free to respond to some of this utterly self destructive shit.

Oh yea, I downloaded the meetup app finally. Anyone have any suggestions to start me off and point me in a particular direction?

Edit: By the way, I don't have iMessage. I can't tell if she's even read that message and for all I know she could have blocked me. I don't think that's the case--at least I hope it doesn't--but it's a possibility.

[Edited on July 12, 2019 at 6:35 PM. Reason : ]

7/12/2019 6:19:42 PM

Yeah man. I read it all. I have two things for you, and the second has 3 parts.

1st, is the tough love. If you were quoting her texts verbatim, then you clearly didn't delete her number. Do so immediately before moving to the second part and clear the texts, too. It may seem like you're getting rid of something that you can never get back and deepening the divide between you by doing so, but it is absolutely essential to your healing process. Everything from proving to yourself that you can move on to making sure you don't reach out again to getting rid of something painful that will stare you in the face over and over. Right now, everything that reminds you of her is a drug inn the most literal of senses. Seeing them pushes dopamine to your brain and gives you emotions, then you crash and feel bad and your brain wants the fix again. I repeat, delete her number and her texts. If she ever wants to reach out to you again, then you will get her number and all will be restored.

2nd are some personal stories. I'm not giving you this advice because I'm some guru. It's because I've been through some pain and know what I felt and the decisions I made in those times. Let me tell you something that you need to know right now. I've made all the decisions you're making. I've posted on forums similar to what you're doing. I've sat there and pined for them, analyzing every move I could make and convincing myself that if I played the exact right moves that things would tip in my favor. I did this 2 times. I can tell you that after all of those wasted hours it never changed a damn thing and I regret ever putting myself in that position once, let alone 2 times. You will do, so just fast forward and save you some time.

I'm telling you, I read your posts and I get everything you've said because I have been there. Same connection, everything. I've had that connection twice, and neither person is the woman I eventually married. With one of those two in particular, we would hang out every day and never had a dull moment. Everything was great. Jokes, laughs, serious conversations, etc. it just all connected. The second of those two was about 80% of the first, but still amazing by most relationship standards. But eventually they moved on and there I was sending messages that I thought were clever, or some times noble, or some times understanding, or whatever to try and bring them closer but I'm positive all it did was push them away. Even so, while I miss the relationships I had with those women and admittedly wish that my wife and I had some aspects of the connection I had with them, I know now that they weren't right for me to marry and we wouldn't have really made a great team. I also realize that they had flaws that I was blind to that really would have impacted our relationship long term. If you're saying to yourself right now that L didn't. I'm going to guarantee that you're mistaken and that you'll realize it. You just need to come off the cycle of high and crash.

As for why she said she'd reach out later. No one can tell you what it means because I'm sure she doesn't know what she means. She probably knows it is something she wants to say because she doesn't hate and you recognizes you enjoy each other's company, but just as with the response to your text she doesn't know what the end game would be there or how it'd play out. You should consider it a sincere statement but nothing more. There is no hidden meaning. And why wouldn't she want the two of you to hang out or be friends. That's the 3rd part of this story. There was another girl I dated and we were super close. We eventually broke away and even stopped speaking with each other. But from time to time we've found ourselves chatting on Messenger or Texts because one of us will reach out based on some random thing that has occurred that reminds us of the other. I've only seen her twice since we've broken up. Each time we were dating someone else and each time the connection, whatever that is subconscious about the two of us that attracted us in the first place or made us a match, manifests and we quickly find our old rhythm- like being on a bike. Both times neither of us meant anything by it but it was super awkward and uncomfortable for our partners with us. Here is the thing...we broke up 23 years ago. The first encounter was a dinner 15 years ago and the other was a run in at a brewery about 2 years ago. Sometimes what's there is there, even if you have no direct physical/sexual/affectionate intent about your behavior. I would love her to be part of my life. It'd be great to have a friend such as that. But here is the thing, even though neither of us has said it, we both recognize that being friends, even if we never did anything beyond what friends would do and had only eyes for our partners, would be detrimental to our existing relationships. Right now L has a few things going on because she doesn't know if you're in the same boat with being a friend who has no expectations or hopes beyond being casual friends. She also has to balance that with potentially not be able to engage at the level of connection she'd like because it could leave either you or her partner with the wrong impression.

There is a lot going on here. I'm sure my rant only covered a portion of it. But I am going to tell you this one more time. This is really the only part of this post that will help the most long term. Delete her number. Delete her texts. And find something else to put some of your time into. This doesn't mean that you'll feel better immediately. It will take time. Girl 2 took me about a summer to recover. Girl 1, damn, I'd been married a year or so before I was able to really identify how I like who I am now and my life way better than what I would have been if I were on a path with her. I promise you're going to find the same.

7/15/2019 9:54:31 AM

Quote :

"Back to your comment that she doesn't know what to say back or doesn't want to respond and encourage more contact. I understand both, though as far as the first goes, I just wish she would say something...anything. I know I have no "right" to have a response, so don't get me wrong - I know she doesn't owe me anything. As far as not wanting to encourage contact, I did make a point to mention in the message that she doesn't have to worry about me sending tons of follow up texts and that she wouldn't even have to worry about me sending her anymore unsolicited texts, though if she decided to reach out she already knows that's always welcome. Having said that I realize that message can only do so much to allay any fears and that she still doesn't want to encourage more contact."

Her replying to that message you sent only encourages you to communicate with her more, despite what you may have claimed. That's why she didn't respond. She's clearly moved on and isn't comfortable having any sort of relationship with you. You need to respect that.

7/15/2019 1:31:37 PM

^^ the texts weren't verbatim, but pretty close thanks to being unhealthily seared into my brain. Her number is memorized, but at least it's been deleted for a while along with all texts. It wasn't easy...felt like losing her all over again.

I really don't know what else to say right now. I just want to ball up and sleep for a few months.

7/15/2019 4:53:53 PM

Quote :

"isn't comfortable having any sort of relationship with you. You need to respect that."

Yea. You're right.

7/15/2019 9:19:09 PM

TWW is being surprisingly helpful in this thread.

7/15/2019 10:44:31 PM

an oldie but a goodie ... although the language doesn't sit as well 13 years later.

https://brentroad.com/message_topic.aspx?topic=415095&page=2

Quote :

" Listen if you really want this girl back (and right off the bat im gonna tell you this is a mistake, but im not here to make your decisions for you) Make her be the one to contact you. Dont cut off lines of communication but dont be the guy who sets her AOL name on "alert status" and starts freaking a leek everytime she signs on. And please people Dont feed this guy any bullshit about trying to stay friends with her. After six years friends is totally out of the question. If you want to fuck this girl again let her be the one who contacts you. Pretty soon she'll realize this new guy isn't really interested in dating her (he's just fucking down).... and she'll start inquiring about how you are doing. This is where you have to re-assert the power in the relationship. You can tell her you miss some things about her but DO NOT TELL HER OR IMPLY YOU WANT HER BACK. Do not play the role of the "puppy dog". Dont let her think you're scratching at the door and when she puts the key in the door you're gonna jump into her arms. Girls do not fuck puppy dogs. You need her to see you at a social function or gathering and you need her to see you making "connections" with other girls. Let me be specific about these "connections". Im not talking about her walking in on you and a girl post-coitus.... or playing find the cobra in the laundry room.... or even good old american face fucking for that matter. All of the above will just cause her to jump the next guy she sees or even worse seek out one of your buddies. You do not want to play "lets see who can fuck up the other persons head the hardest" with a college aged girl, trust me. By "connections" I just mean flirtatious talking, eye-fucking, sitting beside a girl on the couch, playing drinking games, etc... Remember this girl sees you as more than just a sexual object... girls define their self-worth by how much they can fool a guy into "loving" her. If there's one thing that will break a girl down it's watching other girls pitch tents on her old territory. In a girls world this is the equivalent of when you get done with a game of madden and the playstation freezes before you can save it. Last piece of advice. If your ex is blonde, flirt with brunettes. If your ex is brunette, flirt with blondes. Do not stray from this formula. "

7/22/2019 9:10:31 AM

I used this advice to recover after my last breakup. I am now happily married.

https://youtu.be/bbanWHx5AFQ?t=63

7/22/2019 9:29:20 AM

Lmao geppetto dishing out advice and then he goes and pulls up a rally post lol

7/22/2019 9:59:51 AM

Hey guys, just checking in.

Still not doing great.

That's all.

7/30/2019 1:28:54 PM

Quote :

"TWW is not a blog"

7/30/2019 2:06:34 PM

Tww is whatever the posters make it

7/30/2019 3:37:42 PM

Hey,

Why is this so fucking hard

8/27/2019 4:56:23 PM

Anyone in the Raleigh/Cary area have a therapist they would recommend? If you don't feel comfortable saying here, please feel free to PM me and it'll stay between us.

8/27/2019 6:59:50 PM

sorry you're still having a tough time jaZon. I use betterhelp.com since I can just schedule video sessions at times that work for me, and can drop a few notes into a chat with my therapist in between video sessions. That might not work for everybody though, if you're unfamiliar or new to working with a therapist, it can be better to have an in-person resource first

8/27/2019 8:18:27 PM

lol ITT

8/27/2019 8:31:26 PM

Thanks for the suggestion, qntmfred. I think I'm going to have a difficult enough time with a face to face arrangement so I'm not sure how teletherapy would work out. I may give it a go after trying "typical" therapy again. At least this time attempting therapy I have a discrete issue to address rather than the broadness that is general depression.

8/27/2019 11:05:20 PM

lol jk

[Edited on August 28, 2019 at 6:23 PM. Reason : said a politically incorrect thing :3]

8/28/2019 6:06:27 PM

^ No you, didn't.

I'll say it

FUCK ze Bitches



[Edited on August 28, 2019 at 9:06 PM. Reason : k]

8/28/2019 9:05:32 PM

I guess I meant more like f being with one lol

in general they're cool, most of the time :3

8/28/2019 9:56:18 PM