haha, the less eloquent version of what you're saying is "give 'em an inch, they'll take a mile"

12/4/2005 6:50:54 PM

right, i mean if you let him walk all over you for a year or two, then suddenly expect him to change, it aint gonna happen

12/4/2005 6:52:21 PM

yeah.

that's part of why I'm the way I am about things.

There's a fine line between standing your ground and taking hers/his, though. have to be careful.

12/4/2005 6:54:13 PM

well, I guess that makes sense...

and I never expected him to change overnight...I would have worked with him and been as patient as I could have had to be...

but see he never used to "walk over me"...when we first met, the circumstances surrounding both our lives were very different...we had nothing to worry about but each other. now, we have bills, the stressors from work, we are far from friends and family...and we just started to fight...I don't see how we can pretend that things can be the same if we have other factors to deal with.

12/4/2005 6:57:26 PM

well you need to think about yourself and your needs...it doesnt mean you shouldnt try to take the needs of others into account or be a dick... but you need to make sure you dont lose track of what matters to you. We've all seen people who totally drop off the earth when they date someone, stop doing the things they like to do and adopting the other person's schedule and friends. Keep doing what you like to do, if he wants to see you, HE will work with your schedule.

I was in a similar situation... and now I see that it wasnt what he said that was a problem. He usually said the things he knew I wanted to hear. Oh, she seems mad, I havent heard a word she's said, but YOU'RE RIGHT BABY, IM SORRY. But it was his actions, or lack of action, that was screaming out that he wasnt invested. I just didnt pay attention.

When a guy loves you- and knows that you have your own life and dont NEED them- basically you set the standard that there are things that you wont accept from him, they will put an effort to make you happy, and treat you right bc they know that if they dont some other guy will. They dont WANT you to go, so they either treat you well or they risk losing you. If you let him walk all over you, he'll get bored- has no reason to treat you right bc he knows you'll always come back. SO, yeah... I say think of yourself and what YOU want. Even if he loves you, some men will try to get by doing as little as possible, especially if he knows you'll let him.

and I totally feel like a chapter of a self help book right about now so I'll just shut up now

12/4/2005 7:03:17 PM

^that sounds awfully close to either putting those aforementioned gayass tests on someone, or expecting someone else to put in more effort than you are, neither of which is good policy in my opinion.

and by "not good policy", i mean "a good way to get the boot".

12/4/2005 7:07:39 PM

I'm pretty independent and he always had a problem with it...he hated to think that I might not "need" him and that I was capable of surviving on my own...at the same time, I THOUGHT I made it clear to him that while I did value my independence he was a major part of my life and I cared about him more than anything.

Brain spark...you know...I think when he realized that I had other things in my life that were important to me, he got jealous and that's when things started going downhill...omg...it makes sense now! He got more clingy and the more whiney and aggressive he got, the farther he pushed me away and the more we fought...holy cow...

12/4/2005 7:14:20 PM

im not talking about tests or anything, im just saying that if someone calls and asks if I want to hang out, and I have other plans or am busy, Im not gonna just be like "sure, let me cancel what I was gonna do".

If he does something crappy, hell yeah im gonna make it clear that its not cool. and hopefully if the guy is worth a damn he'll try to make sure he doesnt do it again. If he doesnt care, then why should I keep hanging out with him?

Im not talking about being bitchy or mean to ppl or have guys cater to what I want when I want it, but more about respecting myself enough to not let someone do shitty things and think its ok...

I mean really, I accepted a lot of crappy actions from a guy bc I'd just accept what he said at face value...and I realized later that I was wanting him to treat me better, but I let him treat me crappy. If I was him, why would I treat me better if I didnt have to? So, I started making changes with how I dealt with people in general and Im much happier

[Edited on December 4, 2005 at 7:22 PM. Reason : thought]

12/4/2005 7:14:25 PM