2

FML

3/22/2009 12:47:46 AM

Quote :

"Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML"

that is commitment for a prank

3/22/2009 6:10:29 PM

HAHA

3/22/2009 6:11:00 PM

3/22/2009 6:44:36 PM

ahahaha

3/22/2009 7:03:25 PM

Quote :

"Today, I was a TA for a history class and the class was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I took the note from him. It said "I believe in you, -Mom." FML"

yea i am pretty much addicted to the site now..

3/22/2009 8:51:25 PM

^HAHA. Rules are rules, I guess.

3/22/2009 9:12:33 PM

Quote :

"I was sick as a DOG. My girl was mad at me, and I was running on about 3 hours of sleep & 1/2 a bottle of 'quill. So I'm standing in the shower and have the sudden urge to urinate. At this point, I didn't even care. It was somewhere mid-stream I noticed that the drain was clogged and I was now standing in my own piss."

3/22/2009 11:37:11 PM

Quote :

" Today, I was on a third date with a girl. Things had been going really well. At one point, the conversation lulled. After a moment of silence, she asked me what my greatest fantasy was. I told her that it was being a superhero. She told me that she meant sexual fantasy. I'm 25. FML"

:facepalm:

[Edited on March 23, 2009 at 11:26 AM. Reason : .]

3/23/2009 11:25:39 AM

Quote :

"Today, me and couple of friends were driving around town and saw a lady who had accidentally backed her car up onto a concrete wall. Laughing, we all turned to look as we passed and I drove straight into a parked police car at 30 that had stopped to help her. FML"

Quote :

"Today, my crush and I were hooking up and as he slipped his hands up my shirt in order to "feel me up" he started rubbing around my whole torso. When I asked him what he was doing he replied "well I was looking for your boobs but apparently you have none" FML"

Quote :

"Today, I was eating with my boyfriend and his family at a high-end restaurant when, suddenly, I screamed, thinking a dog had just bitten my leg. I am terrified of dogs. I kicked my under-the-table assailant as hard as I could. It was my boyfriend's adorable five-year-old sister. FML"

[Edited on March 23, 2009 at 11:30 AM. Reason : ]

3/23/2009 11:29:55 AM

ahaha at the last one

most of these are from some horny ass girls apparently

3/23/2009 11:31:06 AM

Quote :

"Today, I gave a campus tour to a group of high school seniors. As I was showing off the dorms, one student asks,"Are these beds sturdy enough for threesomes?" Before I could respond, another kid shouts, "How would he know, I bet the only action he gets in bed is from his left hand." She's correct. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I was at a club with my girlfriend of only two weeks. As we were dancing, another woman grabbed my ass from behind me and squeezed. I yelped and turned around to see my mother as the culprit. My girlfriend punched her. I found out my mother is a Cougar and my girl has a mean right hook. FML"

3/23/2009 7:16:19 PM

hahahahaha

the site does have a certain type of guy that posts them and another type of girl...

3/23/2009 7:21:31 PM

Quote :

"Today, I was rejected from the University of Washington. My dad has been a professor there for 30 years, and is on the board of admissions. FML"

damn

3/23/2009 11:40:49 PM

Quote :

"Today, I was swimming in the ocean, not too far off shore. I had asked my mom to come in, but she was afraid of the water because fish had nipped at her toes or something back in the day. I told her there was nothing to fear. I ended up getting stung in the balls by a Jelly fish. FML"

Quote :

"Today, my father asked me if he could borrow my electric razor because he wanted to "surprise mom later". Anxious to see him without his life-long beard, I willingly agreed. About half an hour later he exited the bathroom. Beard fully intact. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I got a phone call from a detective in response to my stolen car that has been missing since St. Patrick's Day. He told me that he had found my car, but was chuckling the whole time. Turns out, I had parked my car in a different lot. I haven't had it for a week. It was never stolen. FML"

haha. There's been similar stories in the police blotter.

3/24/2009 7:21:48 AM

the electric razor one is the worst!

3/24/2009 7:33:42 AM

I thought this one was funny

Quote :

"Today, I had my car stolen. When the police found it, pretty much everything inside was missing. For some reason, I had left 6 pairs of shoes in my back seat. Whoever stole my car thought it would be funny to take one shoe from each pair. I now own 6 unmatched shoes and my car smells like sex. FML"

3/24/2009 12:16:24 PM

Quote :

"Today, I slept over at my friend's house but forgot my glasses. When I woke up in the morning, I came out of his room and forcefully kicked what I thought was a soccer ball on the floor. Turns out it was his miniature poodle - it fell down a long flight of stairs. FML"

3/24/2009 1:21:43 PM

Quote :

"She was 5-foot-2, 105 pounds, wearing a miniskirt and a halter top with a bare midriff. Now, again, there you go. So every predator in the world is gonna pick that up at two in the morning. She's walking by herself on the West Side Highway, and she gets picked up by a thug. All right. Now she's out of her mind, drunk. FML"

3/24/2009 1:23:23 PM

Quote :

"Today, my girl handcuffed me to the bed. I willingly let her thinking we were about to have some fun. She then took my phone and read a sent message; 'Wanna hook up?' to my ex. She left me cuffed and blindfolded, and painted my nails before she left. The sent message was from before I met her. FML"

3/24/2009 1:54:13 PM

i dono bout that one, i cant keep messages longer than two days before i gotta dump em

and i wouldnt let no girl i only knew two days handcuff me to a bed

[Edited on March 24, 2009 at 4:08 PM. Reason : d]

3/24/2009 4:07:53 PM

Quote :

"Today, I scored the winning goal in the state finals. For the other team. FML"

some loser on here did this, i remember him going on and on about it

3/24/2009 5:39:06 PM

Quote :

"Today I had to perform a skit in my class. My skit included me wearing tight spandex compression shorts. The class laughed pretty hard, and I felt good. Afterward, a girl I have a crush on said, "So the stereotype about Asian guys IS true." Through the fluorescent lights you could see my junk. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I had my car stolen. When the police found it, pretty much everything inside was missing. For some reason, I had left 6 pairs of shoes in my back seat. Whoever stole my car thought it would be funny to take one shoe from each pair. I now own 6 unmatched shoes and my car smells like sex. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I work in a grocery store and a woman suffering from diarrhea somehow managed to get diarrhea up and down two of the store aisles, then proceed to the ladies room and mess all over the stall. I was the only one working trained in deal with biohazardous waste so I had to clean it up. FML"

3/24/2009 7:55:20 PM

Quote :

" Today, I found out I'm pregnant. I've been using birth control pills for over a year. I told my roommate about my pregnancy, and started speculating how it could've happened. She admitted to taking my pills and replacing them with vitamins, because she figured I was too ugly to "get some". FML"

3/25/2009 6:44:04 PM

hahahahahahahahaha

3/25/2009 6:47:50 PM

holy shit.. that's bad, haha. but i dont believe it. i've always seen them in a pack where it's obvious if they've been punched out.

[Edited on March 25, 2009 at 6:49 PM. Reason : a]

3/25/2009 6:49:10 PM

^this

also, never seen vitamins that look anything like birth control pills, and I used to work in a pharmacy, so I've seen lots of vitamins (and lots of birth control pills, for that matter)

3/25/2009 6:53:45 PM

Yeah, I was thinking that they wouldn't look the same, since the multivitamins I have are huge compared to BC pills. Didn't think about the punch out stuff though

3/25/2009 6:59:30 PM

80% are fake

3/25/2009 7:02:56 PM

100% I don't care

3/25/2009 7:08:59 PM

Quote :

"Today, I went to see a movie with the girl I 've liked for months. After the commercials, she told me she had to go to the ladies room. She never came back. FML"

thats brutal

3/25/2009 10:06:30 PM

these things are so fake

you don't have to have some kind of biohazard training to mop up shit

3/25/2009 10:12:37 PM

^ again noone cares b/c it is entertaining. no joke ever told by a stand up comedian is true and they seem to be doing fine.

Quote :

"Today, my mother asked me if my boyfriend and I were getting serious. I quickly lied and said no. She then informed me that if things ever heated up that she would take me to get birthcontrol. Wanting birthcontrol, I confessed. In turn she grounded me. I am not allowed to see my boyfriend anymore. FML"

It's a TRAP!



[Edited on March 25, 2009 at 10:26 PM. Reason : l;]

3/25/2009 10:22:55 PM

Quote :

"Today, I was arrested because my 6 year old son called the police saying that I was hitting my wife and that she was crying. My wife and I were having sex. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I finally had my tongue piercing heal up so I decided to try oral on my girl. Unfortunately, she has a hood piercing that got caught on my tongue ring, and neither of us could get them apart. We had to call my mom in to solve the problem. FML"

3/26/2009 7:35:50 AM

Quote :

" Today I met my girlfriend's very religious parents for the first time for dinner. Somehow we got to talking about her groin hernias that were repaired as a baby. I never knew she had hernias repaired and said, "But she doesn't have any scars down there". Long awkward silence. FML"

Quote :

" Today, I was texting two people at once. Trying to respond to my friend's text, I accidentally clicked on this guy's name instead, who I've never met. He just told me about his grandma's funeral he went to that was an open casket. I responded with, "Haha wow you slut, I'm sure you were aroused." FML"

3/26/2009 11:57:25 AM

hahah bttt

3/26/2009 1:57:02 PM

Quote :

"Today, I was feeling sick and having trouble breathing easily. I decided to take a nap and apparently ended up sleeping with my mouth wide open since breathing was an issue. I woke up to my boyfriend trying to put his penis in my mouth. FML"

3/27/2009 12:50:41 PM

Quote :

"Today, I was going down on my girlfriend when I noticed a hickey near her hip. I said, "wow, last night was crazy, I don't even remember doing that!". Without even interrupting the action, she simply said, "You didn't". FML"

Quote :

"Today, I was outside searching for "treasures" with my son using small plastic shovels. All of a sudden he starts screaming. He dug up the bones of our old dog. I told him that we had sent him away to live on a farm, I even helped my son write letters to the farm owners. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I received a GPS for my birthday. I decided to test it out by getting utterly lost as far into the country as I could on a little under half a tank of gas. I installed the GPS once out in the middle of nowhere in preparation for heading home. It needed batteries. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I decided to cheat on my math test by writing a couple equations on my hand. Totally satisfied, I handed my test in feeling like I had aced it. As I was heading toward the door, I happily waved goodbye to my teacher. She saw everything. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I was entered into an online contest where they announce your name on the radio and if you call in within an hour they pay your bills for you. I'm unemployed, so I got really excited when they announced my name. My call wouldn't go through - I hadn't paid my phone bill and the line was disconnected. FML"

[Edited on March 27, 2009 at 3:36 PM. Reason : ]

3/27/2009 3:33:19 PM

Quote :

"She was 5-foot-2, 105 pounds, wearing a miniskirt and a halter top with a bare midriff. Now, again, there you go. So every predator in the world is gonna pick that up at two in the morning. She's walking by herself on the West Side Highway, and she gets picked up by a thug. All right. Now she's out of her mind, drunk. FML"

Surely I can't be the only one confused about this one.

3/27/2009 4:40:19 PM

I don't get it either

3/27/2009 4:47:40 PM

Quote :

"She was hot, played guitar, sang beautifully and invited me to have Sunday dinner with her family during our first date. We had ridiculous shit in common and talked all damned night. I held off bringing the physical game because I wanted her to know I respected her. She broke off our next date today. On Facebook. We will never have sex. FML"

[Edited on March 27, 2009 at 8:23 PM. Reason : .]

3/27/2009 8:23:22 PM

haha @ facebook

3/27/2009 8:36:01 PM

Quote :

"Today, I was talking to my guy friend about prom. I told him I was turned down by 7 guys. So he said "Well, you could always ask me." I then said "Do you want to go to prom with me?" His response was "Nope...now that's 8!" FML"

Quote :

"Today, while lying in bed with my girlfriend and she was grabbing the fat on my stomach I said to her "stop touching my fat". She replied "so don't touch you at all?" FML"

3/28/2009 10:18:47 AM

Quote :

"Today, my girlfriend decided to strip me naked and blindfold me, then told me I'd get a reward if I caught her. So I ran around naked and blindfolded till I caught her, and then I yelled, "I want my prize on the kitchen table!" It was her mom who'd just got back from work. FML"

3/28/2009 12:18:25 PM

Quote :

"Today, I was masturbating in my room when my dog started to bark obnoxiously. He does this all the time so i ignored it and kept going. This went on for about a half hour. When i went downstairs, I found an open door and an empty TV stand. FML"

3/30/2009 9:26:03 AM

so this is what FML means my one friend is always talking putting FML at the end of her emails and I was too lazy to google what it meant.

3/30/2009 9:27:15 AM

Quote :

"Today, I told my mom about my night terrors in which I am laying in a ditch with people shooting at me, and I have no ammunition to defend myself. She told me I should stop being such a whiny bitch, and to grow up and be a man. I am 20 and got back from Iraq 10 months ago. FML"

3/30/2009 10:57:45 PM

Quote :

"Today, I was at my boyfriends house and we were having sex. He has a game on in the background and one of his friends started talking to him. He immediately threw me off and said "I have to answer this." He went over to his computer and started talking to them. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I was working out out at the gym doing squats. There was a girl there that I wanted to impress so I loaded up the bar with a lot of weight and began to do my squat. As I was going down I farted so loud that I began to laugh and fell backwards. Everyone in the room just stared at me. FML"

Quote :

"Today, my girlfriend told me how I am too occupied with work for our relationship. Before we had sex I told my friend to call me in ten minutes so I can pretend its my boss and I would throw the phone away to impress her. He called me in ten minutes, but I only lasted five. FML"

3/31/2009 8:30:06 AM

Quote :

"" Today, I was texting two people at once. Trying to respond to my friend's text, I accidentally clicked on this guy's name instead, who I've never met. He just told me about his grandma's funeral he went to that was an open casket. I responded with, "Haha wow you slut, I'm sure you were aroused." FML""

I lolled so hard.

3/31/2009 8:40:16 AM

set em up

3/31/2009 8:42:01 AM