Quote :

"What to do with all the pictures of us? (they're in frames everywhere in the house) What to do with all the pictures of us and our travels on the computer? How is my dog going to react? Her dog and my dog have a really good time with each other, and if you call one, they both come. I'm sure he's going to miss her dog. I'm also quite sure he's going to miss her. She's not moving far away (only like a mile or so), what to do when I run into her? Normally I just ignore my ex-girlfriends, should that policy stay the same for an ex-fiancee? "

- Ask her if she wants them, if not, then throw them away. It seems harsh, but it really isn't. Even if she ends up being a good friend, once you start dating someone else, you don't need pictures of the two of you anywhere around the house. You could put them away in a shoebox or something, but what's the point if you're never going to need them again. It's not about completely erasing her from your life, you can see her in person and you have memories of her, you don't need pictures of her everywhere.

- I would erase the pictures of your travel unless you want to keep them to remind you of the actual destination, not her. Or just try and get rid of all the pictures that involve her. For the same reasons as above.

- That sucks about the dogs. Had a good friend that just moved out of his gf's place and they both have dogs that had become attached. It will be sad for a little while, but eventually the dogs will get over it. Just spend a lot of time with your dog, take him/her to dog parks to give him/her constant interaction with other dogs. I mean, if you can still be cordial and have a relationship with your ex, then maybe ya'll can meet up every now and then so your dog's can have play-dates, but I don't think its necessary.

- It's always going to be a little weird, but just try and act normal as possible. Since it doesn't seem you broke up on bad terms, then it shouldn't be a problem. Be normal, be mature, don't make it difficult.

Quote :

"The big issue here was that I made a mistake by not being very open with my feelings/life events/my past in the beginning of the relationship (never was really that kind of guy), and she was not able to get over that and move on."

Don't mean to beat a dead horse...but I'm just not getting this on both sides. First, why should she care if you weren't open in the beginning of the relationship if you're open now? Unless what you weren't "open" about would affect the reason she got in a relationship with you (like if you didn't tell her you were a transsexual at the beginning...an extreme, but something along those lines). Most people aren't exactly open about everything in their life when they first start dating someone. I feel like the more you date, the more you open up. I don't see her reasoning here.

And second, I don't know how long you kept with the "recluse" thing...but why not be open with someone you're going to be married to and spend the rest of your life with. I had the "recluse" label put on me when I was younger after going through several family tragedies and issues. I'm not exactly the most open person in the world now, but if you love someone, and they ask you a personal question, why wouldn't you answer it honestly??

11/11/2010 7:48:48 AM

Quote :

"We did move kinda fast in the beginning, which is something I'm going to ensure doesn't happen again."

just make sure you don't move at a snail's speed either. i had a friend who's downfall of her relationship was the fact that her boyfriend moved slower than molasses.

moving "fast" is relative. people think my boyfriend and i moved too fast but for us it seemed right. you just have to go with your gut instinct and make sure that when you are taking the next steps in a relationship, you both really think it through. if it doesn't feel right, then it probably isn't.

11/11/2010 8:04:37 AM

+1 for it doesn't sound like you were in the wrong, but we probably don't know the full story.

I can see her being upset if you didn't tell her something like you have cheated on every other girlfriend you've had. That affects her trust for you, and is something she deserved to know. If it's just that you didn't tell her you had a rough childhood or something, that kind of thing is something that gets revealed gradually when YOU are comfortable with it, and it shouldn't affect her trust in you.

But seriously, it's not worth being miserable when someone can't forgive you for things you actually have done wrong after you've done any and everything to show them you're sorry. If they keep bringing it up and picking on it and holding it against you, it will destroy the relationship, sooner or later. So if she really couldn't let go, this is what you needed.

11/11/2010 9:25:52 AM

Yeah I'm not buying that it's was simply because you're "not open." It's WHAT you're not open about that women give a shit about. Being not open about the fact you hate Chinese food is fine. Being not open about sleeping with other women when she thought you guys were exclusive is not fine.

11/11/2010 9:41:00 AM

the biggest issue here is to learn from this and move on

be single for at least a year

do things you like doing, don't worry about being in or out of a relationship

just learn to be happy

move on, don't dwell on this

many more fishes, k

11/11/2010 9:49:01 AM

I wasn't engaged, but did break off an extremely LTR at the start of grad school (2+ years)...I thought I'd never get over it, and there's still a big part of me that was left in that relationship, but trust me when I say that no matter how shitty you feel, it all gets better eventually.

...I thought the "better with time" was a huge cliche, which it is, but it eventually proved itself true. That said, I agree with the comments about getting rid of pictures. Even the ones I saved from trips that don't have both of us in them still remind me of her, and that still hurts, even 3 years later.

11/11/2010 9:58:08 AM

Quote :

"i'm not trying to be mean in saying this, but maybe dating for longer than 15 months next time might be a good idea. that seems quite rushed."

my wife and i knew each other for exactly one year when i proposed and i knew long before i actually did it that i wanted to marry her

i dated the girl before my wife for six years...at one point i thought i could marry her, but in hindsight i was never at that point, certainly not where i am with my wife

while i get what you're saying and would have agreed with you in the past, i think that old cliche of "when you know, you know" CAN be true and it just depends on your maturity level, your past experiences, where you are in life, etc...i'm not holding myself up as a perfect example of what a relationship should be or anything, just pointing out that my personal experiences lend themselves to the idea that there is no universal magic amount of time that should be observed before getting married - 1 month or 10 years CAN be what you need

it happens and raiden should (and does, i think) count himself lucky that this happened before marriage...it sucks and you have my sympathy...it's never as easy as others see it from the outside, but nothing gets you over the last one like getting under the next one

[Edited on November 11, 2010 at 10:01 AM. Reason : .]

11/11/2010 9:58:45 AM

^ Your argument would have more weight if you were saying that after 20 years of happy marriage. But didn't you get married a couple months ago? Just because you made it to marriage doesn't mean that moving fast was the right call and everything will be sunshine and roses from here.

I am also not saying it was the wrong decision or that this will happen to you. Just that "hey look we got married and are happy right now" doesn't prove anything about the long term.

11/11/2010 10:17:57 AM

As far as being open, especially at the beginning of a relationship...I've definitely learned that you can be TOO open, and surely there are things in your past (as there are in mine and everybody else's) that should only be disbursed on a "need to know" basis...

I've learned that the best policy is for the most part to keep things in the present. Sure there are aspects of your being and personality that have been defined by your past and have a direct bearing on who you are...but that doesn't mean they need to be dwelled upon or scrutinized to death.

11/11/2010 10:22:47 AM

i agree that you can know right off the bat. i knew & my husband knew, but we still dated for 7 years. the wait was due to do with getting out of school, finding jobs, etc. instead of not being sure if we wanted to be together.

i think it really depends more on where you are in life when these things come up. if you're young & still in college like we were, yeah i think you should wait a few years. if you're older, settled, etc. then you probably know better what you want & how it will work out.

it's just my opinion, but a year & 3 months is still a little quick. to me.

eh

11/11/2010 10:24:47 AM

Quote :

"Your argument would have more weight if you were saying that after 20 years of happy marriage. But didn't you get married a couple months ago? Just because you made it to marriage doesn't mean that moving fast was the right call and everything will be sunshine and roses from here. "

you're absolutely right and i don't disagree with you at all...it's entirely possible that we'll get divorced in the future (heaven forbid) and my point of view will carry no weight

also, i'm not entirely sure where you think i'm saying it will be "sunshine and roses"...any person getting married should understand that it will most definitely have its rough patches and there will likely come a time (or two or three) that it's extremely rough and divorce seems like a viable option (and in some cases, the right choice)...i've never said otherwise, nor would i ever suggest otherwise

it's all relative...i can find stories of people who got married after a month and have been together for decades and i can find stories of people who dated for a decade and got divorced shortly after...my point that there is no magical time which you MUST date in order to have a healthy, happy, long-lasting marriage is still valid

obviously the majority of people need more than a couple of months together to determine whether or not they're compatible...but i wouldn't think 15 months is that short, comparatively

Quote :

"i think it really depends more on where you are in life when these things come up. if you're young & still in college like we were, yeah i think you should wait a few years. if you're older, settled, etc. then you probably know better what you want & how it will work out. "

agreed...it is very dependent on the couple and their circumstances...which is specifically why i think that saying 15 months isn't long enough isn't fair, since we don't know raiden's situation in particular (at least, i don't)

[Edited on November 11, 2010 at 10:28 AM. Reason : quotes]

11/11/2010 10:24:57 AM

TWW dudes have had some shitty luck recently. Might need to all get together and go drinking one night.

11/11/2010 10:25:04 AM

I hardly need strong coercion to comply with this.

11/11/2010 10:31:43 AM

I'll be in town over Thanksgiving . . . already talked to zorthage about the idea (not to even try to compare what happened to Matt with this but still . . . )

11/11/2010 10:36:40 AM

Quote :

"TWW dudes have had some shitty luck recently. Might need to all get together and go drinking one night. "

and ^

I will now be in town for Thanksgiving (was supposed to be going to her parent's place in Oregon-I was looking forward to that trip), so I'm up for a night of TWW Dude drinkin and bitchin about womenz.

11/11/2010 10:45:37 AM

message_topic.aspx?topic=604701

11/11/2010 11:21:20 AM

Watch Me, Myself, and Irene and you will realize things could always be worse.

11/11/2010 11:27:42 AM

^^^

You mind me asking what she was upset about you not being "open" about? Advanced apologies for asking you to go into detail, but I figure if you post a topic about something on t-dub that's extremely personal, that you wouldn't mind going a little further in explanation.

Just curious.

11/11/2010 11:37:07 AM

^

That seems like a strange reason to me to break up with someone. Your past is YOUR past. That's your business if you want to share that.

I learned very early on asking stupid questions about a SO's past can lead to answers I don't particularly care to hear. The chances of the answers being relevant to US has tended to be small.

11/11/2010 11:47:02 AM

Quote :

"That seems like a strange reason to me to break up with someone. Your past is YOUR past. That's your business if you want to share that."

Depends on what it is. There are some things that people have been through that would be nice to know about if you're the significant other because it can maybe explain the way people act certain ways or help determine how to respond to certain things. Just for example:

My mom's first husband (my biological dad) stole his parent's car when he was 12, was out driving and hit and killed a girl riding a bike. His parent's sent him off to military school and barely interacted with him over the next 10+ years. As a result he had some issues that didn't become clear until they were well into the marriage and already had two children. Had she known this early in their relationship, she might have looked deeper into the "little things" that he did in the beginning.

My mom's second husband was sexually abused by his nanny that looked after him a lot as a kid (his dad died when he was 8, grandfather died when he was 9). He also had some deep emotional issues that didn't come out until 3 or 4 years into that marriage.

She's always heavily cautioned me to get to know someone's past when I'm seriously dating a girl. How someone is raised and traumatic events can play a big part in someone's future relationships. If I'm dating a girl that's been through some rough stuff, it doesn't make me break up with, but I'm more aware of red flags and proceed with caution moreso than if I were completely oblivious.

I'm not saying you need to be a complete open book on the second date, but you need to let someone know if you have issues that might come into play in a serious relationship. I'm extremely open when a girl asks me about my parents and going through divorces as a kid. It can also be healthy to get that stuff out and talk about it every now and then. Might as well be with someone you care about instead of shelling out money to talk to a complete stranger.

11/11/2010 12:21:43 PM

also, I recommend seeing the movie "Swingers"

11/11/2010 12:49:34 PM

Saving Silverman?

11/11/2010 1:28:37 PM

^ah good 'ol swingers a great breakup movie

11/11/2010 2:18:49 PM

yeah I know that time will make it a little bit better, but still sucks.

right before the holidays man, that totally sucks.

11/11/2010 2:37:48 PM

Eh. It's one less present to worry about.

11/11/2010 2:52:06 PM

I usually got her several gifts, and its several less gifts I get to receive!!

I think I'm going to give myself some time before I decide what to do with the ring.

She painted the walls, should I repaint them?

Also, since she liked Andy Warhol, she decided that I would like him too (never really thought about it till she brought it up). Now I have this Andy Warhol book, and a portrait of me and her that's all Andy Warhol-like.
Gotta figure out what to do with that.

11/11/2010 3:01:14 PM

Figure out what to do with the ring as soon as you can and get it gone.

Repaint the walls this weekend, a nice project to keep you busy.

Take the Andy Warhol book to a second hand book shop and throw away the picture.

11/11/2010 3:31:50 PM

Get some beer and have friends help you repaint/get hammered.

11/11/2010 3:38:45 PM

Quote :

"The big issue here was that I made a mistake by not being very open with my feelings/life events/my past in the beginning of the relationship (never was really that kind of guy), and she was not able to get over that and move on."

Quote :

"That seems like a strange reason to me to break up with someone. Your past is YOUR past. That's your business if you want to share that."

if she can't trust you to be honest with her (then & now) that is an issue. there's probably not much either of you could do now, and perhaps this just means you two can't make it work.

11/11/2010 4:01:13 PM

Here's a tip: Anything around your house that makes you nostalgic etc, get rid of or give to her.

You don't really need all this "stuff" and it'll just break your heart when you think of what could have been. Plus think of any questions a future girl might have... oh you like Andy Warhol? What are you going to say "no that was my ex....", and get rid of any pictures now so that your future wife doesn't find them someday and wonder why you still have them etc. oh and delete/get rid of any and all sex tapes with the ex... you definitely don't need that lying around for your future girl to stumble across

[Edited on November 11, 2010 at 4:25 PM. Reason : ]

11/11/2010 4:19:47 PM

Do you own your house? If so, here's my advice:

1) Upgrade your house insurance policy
2) Accidentally burn the motha down
3) Profit!

11/11/2010 4:51:25 PM

she just can't let go of the fact that it took me a while to open up fully. She thinks I was intentionally being devious or something because I didn't want to talk about certain things.

She can't let it go, see that she finally got what she wanted. She's angry about that, she probably has a right to be, and she's angry right now, and she'll be angry for a while. Maybe after that there might be something, but more than likely not.

So right now, she's being all mad upstairs, and I'm down on the couch watching football and posting on TWW. I'm just trying to make it till Sunday when she moves. We're being civil, which is why I"m not upstairs at moment and why we aren't fighting.

I think right now I'm compartmentalizing the situation, and looking at it from an intellectual side than an emotional one. I am very sad about this whole thing, and I'm having an huge sense of loss, but I'm trying to not breakdown-though I might one night when I'm here alone. In fact, I fully expect it.

11/11/2010 10:04:12 PM

Damn man, must of been major. You final open up that you had a b/f in the past?

11/11/2010 10:11:46 PM

no, it really wasn't anything crazy/fucked up like that and it wasn't anything singular.

11/11/2010 10:19:02 PM

When did the big reveal occur? Maybe she'll relax and come to terms with it. She may kick herself later for overreacting.

Any chance for reconciliation later? Do you feel she's truly the one?

11/11/2010 10:23:28 PM

yeah, maybe she needs time? if she really can't handle it though then like i said before, it's just not going to work.

11/11/2010 10:55:19 PM

Honestly some good advice in this thread.

And I 100% feel your pain raiden. I am the same way, and it has been the downfall of every relationship I've been in so far. When I started dating my current girlfriend, for the first time, I was open about it.

That is likely why we are living together today and why I am planning on proposing to her. It's been a huge difference with her knowing I have problems with communicating my emotions, and knowing that we fundamentally think about things in a different way. We still have our disagreements, but I love her all the more knowing we are 100% real with each other.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. She's never going to truly come around or believe you. I spent years on a relationship because I had this belief, and it just never happened.

11/11/2010 11:02:26 PM

Quote :

"So right now, she's being all mad upstairs, and I'm down on the couch watching football and posting on TWW. I'm just trying to make it till Sunday when she moves. We're being civil, which is why I"m not upstairs at moment and why we aren't fighting."

If she's going to be moving out very soon, then she shouldn't even be in the place right now--she should be at a friend's house or with her parents or a motel until she moves...especially since y'all were engaged.

And you should at least wait until she moves out before you go on talking about splitting up.

If she's still "all mad upstairs," then y'all are still together, son.

11/11/2010 11:44:46 PM

Here's hoping she doesn't murder you in your sleep. Good luck!

Seriously though, maybe you should make yourself scarce this week.

I had a relationship fail because she thought I hated her choice of career. I didn't(actually I found it fascinating), but I asked a few tough questions about it early on to make sure she knew what she was getting into. I kept my mouth shut from then on, but after that she never really believed that I supported her. Was never able to convince her otherwise. It was like she thought that since I didn't communicate well, whatever I did say was a piercing look directly into my soul at resolute feelings set in stone. Truth is most of what I say is bullshit or devils advocation...but you guys already knew that.

[Edited on November 12, 2010 at 1:35 AM. Reason : .]

11/12/2010 1:26:58 AM

I was with my EX-Husband for 6 years. Believe me, it's not that bad. Least you were smarter than me and got out BEFORE a wedding and didn't have to go thru the 1 year seperation

Just do shit you always wanted to do that she didn't want you to, or wouldn't do with you, concentrate on exercising and getting back to feeling good about yourself, give it some time, then go out hunting!

11/12/2010 1:55:42 AM

Quote :

"she just can't let go of the fact that it took me a while to open up fully. She thinks I was intentionally being devious or something because I didn't want to talk about certain things. "

ugh, I just want to shake this girl and show her how silly she is being!!! She sounds like she is in some sort of high school relationship and that this isn't the real world. Grown-up relationships take time, people's personalities and their past take time to come out, you have to build trust in order to let yourself feel open. If she can't realize that you proposed to her for your future, and that you chose her to be the one, then you did the right thing. She's too much of a child to be in a real relationship.

11/12/2010 7:34:10 AM

Like I said, it wasn't really one singular revelation or anything like that. She just got started thinking about how long it took me to really open up about things in my past, etc, and decided that since I didn't talk about it before/dodge questions about it before that I was intentionally deceiving her.

So I tried to push the point that I finally opened up about everything, I can finally talk to her about everything, but she's not hearing that.

She's mad. She's mad that it took me a while, she's mad because we had to postpone the wedding once (due to her health issues), she's just mad. I get it, I really do. I think her actions here are uncalled for, but I'm not going to stop it because its what she thinks she needs to do to get "re-centered".

I feel like I'm becoming more and more ok with us splitting up. I'm really sad about the ordeal, and wish it wasn't happening, but there's nothing I can do; so I just have to try to the best I can and "do me".

lots of good relationship advice in this thread.

11/12/2010 7:43:25 AM

it's a bad idea for y'all to be spending time together right now (i realize you're not hanging out, but she's all of a 15 second walk away)...makes it too easy to get back together

11/12/2010 7:53:43 AM

^^ it sounds like her being "mad" is her deflecting off her unhappiness with the situation. who knows why she's unhappy, i'm sure some of it could be your fault. however, it doesn't sound like anything you did is beyond reproach and she's being immature if that's her reason for breaking it off.

without knowing anything about the situation except for what i'm reading here, i don't think it's you. i think she's probably got reservations about getting married and looking for a way to wiggle out of it, unfortunately. maybe take this as a blessing and get out of dodge?

11/12/2010 7:59:45 AM

Sounds like you were going to marry an idiot.

Quote :

"She just got started thinking "

Well there's your problem

11/12/2010 9:14:19 AM

Very sorry to hear this. I dated a girl for 7 years before I found out she had cheated on me for the last year of the relationship (should have broke up with her the second she enrolled at ECU ). I was waiting for her to finish grad school, to propose, thank God I hadn't bought the ring yet. It sucked at the time, but it was a blessing in disguise. I'm married now and very happy. Sorry it happened to you, but you will get over it. It will take time but do stuff to keep you my mind occupied. You'll get through it. Don't do anything weird. I would delete her from your facebook (that's what I did anyway), it will keep you from checking out her page and seeing what she's doing.

[Edited on November 12, 2010 at 9:34 AM. Reason : :]

11/12/2010 9:32:17 AM

I wonder if there's any way to recover the cost of the plane ticket I already purchased out to her parent's place. I was going there with her, but now I'm not.

I got my tickets via cheaptickets.com, anyone have any experience with this? I'd like to get my 400 dollar bucks back.

11/12/2010 10:26:17 AM

obviously time to go to Vegas

11/12/2010 10:33:21 AM

It's always funny when people get all jew-y after their failed relationships.

11/12/2010 10:37:49 AM

Be glad you got off the crazy train before it left the station.

11/12/2010 10:41:59 AM