Quote :

"she's using the move and giving you the ultimatum of you moving with knowledge that you probably won't want to move. it gets her out of the relationship without having to feel guilty for ending it. "

best advice in the entire thread. Ag Extension jobs are a joke; she'll move twice within the first 2 years with them. They don't pay well either. Maybe she took the job because it was the only opportunity she had, but she won't be in Macon County for long unless she's got family there and wants to stay.

If she's throwing a temper tantrum about it, it's probably just a ploy to trick you into thinking you're the one who's ending the relationship. It wouldn't make sense for either of you financially to move out there and depend on her salary until you hopefully can land a job in a place that's hard to find work as an engineer. Moving out there knowing good and well that she won't be working in the same place a year from now makes it even more questionable.

Either she knows that you won't move out there and is using this to break up with you without feeling guilty, or she is extremely selfish and doesn't think things through. Neither of those are qualities you should look for in a future spouse.

1/21/2011 12:55:57 AM

I would move for my GF (if it was further south, cold weather is not my game). I'm sure you could finish your classes at state enrolling in distance education (did you even look into it?). I could finish my masters DE (EE might have better DE offerings).

You've been with her for 7 years. You know for a fact if you want to marry this woman or not by now (not knowing IS knowing). People seem to have a lot of insecurity regarding commitment,moving in,proposing, etc.... I often wonder if its a gen y thing.

You're really going to tell a woman you cant move because you want to wash cars and build houses with your dads business? Who is the kid here. Are you kidding me? Good luck!!!


Had to play devils advocate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1/21/2011 1:19:26 AM

I have followed a significant other for a move, although not very far. Its part of the reason why I drive 45 mins to an hour to get to classes at NCSU for grad school.

From everything you've said, it sounds like your desire to stay is pretty well founded and reasonable. Granted any time someone posts about significant other other concerns, it is difficult not to frame it from your own perspective. She might just be freaking out about going somewhere she doesn't know anyone, being alone, and being away from you, and then misdirecting that fear.

Some of the advice in this thread seems to be "well at least now you know how much she cares, good thing you found out before getting any more serious" but I think you need to give it longer. Give it a week and see how she feels then. Offer to help her move, to visit her many weekends, find some good restaurants or movie theaters to meet at half way between your two locations so you can do meet ups. Talk up the value of you still having a place that she can move back into when she comes back to Raleigh for school.

This might be a sign of a serious flaw in the relationship, but just as likely it could just misdirected fear that needs some time to calm down.

1/21/2011 1:29:08 AM

Quote :

"m sure you could finish your classes at state enrolling in distance education (did you even look into it?). "

not in his major (unless he only has some gen-ed requirements left

1/21/2011 1:33:49 AM

I understand the reasons for you not wanting to leave home...work, roots, land, school, etc...

but what's the reason for you wanting to move with her? B/c she may leave you?

That shouldn't outweigh the reasons you want to stay at home b/c if she really cares about you and is "in love" then a little distance and a little time won't make a difference..
especially in the age of electronics (phone, email, text, skype, facebook, etc...)

you will be in near constant communication, within driving distance (it isn't like she's moving to california)...

i say stay at home and if it is meant to be, she'll be upset at first but then realize it was a smart move and you will be fine...

1/21/2011 5:53:53 AM

I wouldn't really call that "long distance". What is that, like a 5 to 6 hour drive?

I like in Oklahoma at the moment, and will be moving to Columbia, SC (over 17 hours to drive) in less than two weeks. Have a girlfriend out here (who interestingly is relatively close to where your gf's new jobs is---near Murphy, NC). We have been together for 2 years and when I move she plans to stay here for a little while while I start work in Columbia. She can't just "up and leave" because of work insurance and will takes those few months to try and find something salaried (or find something for grad school, maybe teach) because she thinks I am worth moving for.

A year or so isn't all that long compared to the rest of your life. At least you would have the ability to drive home more frequently than I have had. I've been in OK for over 2 years and it was well worth getting out of my comfort zone and explore new areas. Before I moved, I wanted to stay in Raleigh, because, like you, I wanted to be close to family, friends, etc. You really learn to appreciate where you came from if you are away from it for a while and learn that there are things (big or little) you really miss even if you can't see it now. Also, perhaps it will give you a chance to expand contacts for whatever type of business you plan to have. That area of the state is quite nice!

1/21/2011 6:55:47 AM

Quote :

"The fact that she used your logical reservations about leaving all of that behind to question your love and commitment is some serious manipulative shit. "

Agree

Quote :

"You've been with her for 7 years. You know for a fact if you want to marry this woman or not by now (not knowing IS knowing). "

Agree here. If it isn't a 100%, no reservations, I love this broad with all my heart, then don't put a ring on her. My buddy (last page) nearly made that mistake with his first girlfriend (6 years) and I believe it was because he could not a) bear to let go of her and b) didn't know if he would meet a girl who seemed to line up with his ideals so closely. They fought constantly and the girl was pretty retarded...to an observer it didn't have what it would take to be a good relationship from the get go. But they both were stubborn as hell and stuck it out for the worse.

Also, distance will make or break relationships. I took a two month summer internship in Belgium while still dating my girlfriend and it made our relationship stronger than ever. Nearly everyone we talked to who was our age said we were going to break up, but we talked for hours daily and stuck with each other. Now we agree that neither one of us is going to Europe for an extended amount of time alone

If she can't handle what, 5-6 hours, then she's looking for a way out and you need to give it to her.

1/21/2011 8:05:41 AM

Someone that is willing to compromise your academic future and your future happiness so that they can quell their insecurities and loneliness temporarily does not have your best interests at heart. If she really loves you, she will understand.

1/21/2011 9:07:17 AM

Seems like everything that needs to be said has been said.

I'll just echo the statement of finishing your schooling in Raleigh and see how things have gone since then. By then, one of three things will probably have happened:

1) You guys will have found out that you can survive the long-distance and will continue to do so until she (a) gets into vet school or (b) you can find a good, long-term job closer to where she is.

2) You determine that you can't do the long distance relationship, but that you are able to make certain sacrifices and you will move to her new city...but at least you've finished your education at State.

3) You guys will have broken up.

1/21/2011 9:28:23 AM

Quote :

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was."

1/21/2011 9:35:25 AM

read the OP, but skimmed the rest, so not sure if it's been said, but...

if you've been on/off for 7 years, i think it's safe to assume you know each other pretty well, including her knowing about your family, the land, your roots, etc

in saying that, it's my opinion that she may be looking for an "easy" exit - one that she knows will work, but she can still blame on you... she knows it's unlikely you'll move, so she basically gives you an ultimatum... it's cowardly, but she knows it would probably work

i think you should stay...

plus, if i'm wrong, she'll realize she doesn't like life without you and thus be willing to work on a long distance relationship. if you move, she can't really see what it's like without you

lighter note: i'm probably going to give you a call about detailing all 3 of our vehicles - any discounts for multi-vehicle (like insurance?)

edit: just read the rest of the posts, so disregard my similar thoughts, but not the discount

[Edited on January 21, 2011 at 10:05 AM. Reason : .]

1/21/2011 10:01:49 AM

If you love her, move.

If you don't, stay.

It's really that simple.

1/21/2011 10:04:56 AM

Don't move

Get broken up with

Bang out some new strange

Maybe get back together with her in a year, maybe not

If your relationship really is good enough to get married, it certainly should be able to handle 1 year long distance....or a 1 year break. If not, you're better off finding out now.

1/21/2011 10:05:44 AM

Quote :

"If you love her, move. If you don't, stay. It's really that simple."

Quote :

"NO"

1/21/2011 10:06:35 AM

If he lets the girl he loves get away, he's gonna be hating himself later. His job/career/etc. won't mean shit.

1/21/2011 10:09:46 AM

Wait, she's moving to a city in NC?

I thought she was moving to Macon, GA.

Dude, finish your degree.

1/21/2011 10:12:01 AM

OP, you've already made up your mind (read your post). You just need some people to tell you that staying is the right decision.

Dude... Staying is the right decision.

1/21/2011 10:18:06 AM

Quote :

"If he lets the girl he loves get away, he's gonna be hating himself later. His job/career/etc. won't mean shit."

yes but if he can't get a job because he never finished his degree or ended up finishing it at community college and not at State like he planned - then he runs the risk that homegirl dumps him when she's in vet school for not "supporting" him. or if he moves up there and can't find a job - she'll hold that over his head how "she's" the one supporting him.

my new question to OP is: would yall be living together in Macon County? have yall lived together before? living together with someone is always different than you think it is going to be. my boyfriend and i moved in together almost a year ago and while we're lucky that it's worked out really well, there was definitely some bumps we had to go through in the beginning (cleaning, food, sharing, etc).

1/21/2011 10:30:33 AM

Quote :

"If he lets the girl he loves get away, he's gonna be hating himself later. His job/career/etc. won't mean shit. "

What is this, a shitty Nicholas Cage movie?

1/21/2011 10:51:27 AM

Quote :

"I wouldn't really call that "long distance". What is that, like a 5 to 6 hour drive?"

I agree. Same state, 5 hour drive, and only 1 year apart sounds more like a medium distance relationship at worst.

1/21/2011 11:08:50 AM

Quote :

"If he lets the girl he loves get away, he's gonna be hating himself later. His job/career/etc. won't mean shit."

In essence, she's letting him get away by putting down this ultimatum that is completely unreasonable to him.

This isn't even an issue of "manning up." It's about doing the right thing.

1/21/2011 11:10:33 AM

Ok well I'm not going to psychoanalyze their relationship. All I was saying is that if they love each other then don't let all that other stuff hold you back.

1/21/2011 11:27:21 AM

Quote :

"If he lets the girl he loves get away, he's gonna be hating himself later. His job/career/etc. won't mean shit."

If he lets her "get away" (they break up) by her moving 5 hours down the road, in the same state, for a year, after being together of and on for 7 years, she didn't want him around anyway.

[Edited on January 21, 2011 at 11:44 AM. Reason : lkj]

1/21/2011 11:43:32 AM

Quote :

"All I was saying is that if they love each other then don't let all that other stuff hold you back. "

If she loves him, then she should be able to go through a long distance relationship, at least until he graduates.

1/21/2011 11:49:29 AM

wow 5 hour drive??

my boyfriend and i just finished a year of 8 hour FLIGHT distance

yeah, if the "distance" is reasonably drivable, it's just a little inconvenient

when you have to get on an airplane, that is when its actually long distance imo

1/21/2011 12:09:36 PM

^^ exactly. it's just a year. in this case, "all that other stuff" means not finishing school, which is a pretty big deal. the whole "if you loved me, you'd move" thing is really melodramatic, but I could see my college girlfriend saying the exact same thing (that relationship ended disastrously).

[Edited on January 21, 2011 at 12:10 PM. Reason : :]

1/21/2011 12:10:36 PM

I can respect the fact that she is not up for the long-distance thing, as it's very hard and some people just don't handle it well. However, from the OP, it sounds a whole lot like she is not considering what she is actually asking of you. As others have said in here, you would be giving up a lot for just a year of a temp job for her, just to move back (again, for her). When you say "Its so simple in her eyes, she just does not realize how big of a deal this is for me. ", that sounds like a big issue, not just with her request for you to go with her, but with the relationship in general. Either she needs to try harder to understand why it is a big deal to you, or you need to explain it better- because something is not getting across to her.


Also, try thinking of something you could hypothetically ask her to do for you that would amount to a near or equal sacrifice on her part. Like, say, putting this temp job on hold until you graduate. Or waiting before vet school. Or going to a different school. Just pose the question, and ask her how she would feel if you were asking something like that of her. It might give her some perspective

1/21/2011 12:11:51 PM

Not moving unless engaged or about to be.

You need to be beyond just bf/gf on and off to pull up all your roots and move just because the other person got a new job.

Also the fact that she does not even want to try staying together long distance should tell you she is not serious enough to be worth moving for. You can probably still drive up there once and a while and hit it.

1/21/2011 12:27:20 PM

At LEAST wait until you graduate. That's just a few months from now.

1/21/2011 12:30:46 PM

Quote :

"You need to be beyond just bf/gf on and off to pull up all your roots and move just because the other person got a new job. "

I think you're putting too much weight on an engagement. In the OP situation, I don't think he should move, but I don't think it's wrong to move for just a bf/gf. You can know you're going to marry someone, but you just might not be financially ready for that next step.

1/21/2011 12:33:08 PM

[Edited on January 21, 2011 at 1:06 PM. Reason : .]

1/21/2011 1:06:15 PM

You guys are bashing this poor woman who didn't get to post her side of the story!!!

He wants to wash cars and work for his dad people!!!!!!!!

1/21/2011 1:24:37 PM

^You are correct, she is getting bashed and not telling her side of the story. I wish she could tell her side of the story, however I am not getting her involved with this as I dont want to sway her decision one way or another. This is a great opportunity for her, and I expect her to take it. I stand behind her in her decision to go, and dont want to sway her from that.

However, my "just washing cars" is a very sucessful business I have built from the ground up and have many clients across VA, NC and SC. It is income until I get a job with my degree, which keeps me from going into a panic about finding a job when I graduate, I have a backup plan ( I thought it was pretty smart).

And the "working for my dad", its a family multi-million dollar custom home business of which I am poised to become a part in very soon.

[Edited on January 21, 2011 at 1:37 PM. Reason : .]

1/21/2011 1:36:12 PM

Honestly, the job thing isn't even really the issue. It's the finishing your degree part that has me scratching my head.

And I would not bank on NCSU letting you just transfer community college credits and finishing your degree that way. I know two people who screw themselves in that way when NCSU told them they were going to accept the credits from other institutions.

1/21/2011 1:41:29 PM

I honestly am just playing devils advocate. I respect you man. Nobody is in any place to help you decide but yourself. You cant write something as opinionated and slanted as you have and then attempt to field a serious response from strangers.

1/21/2011 1:42:09 PM

Brandon, you've got yourself very well established here. If you left you'd be throwing a lot away and it'd be very hard to build yourself back up. She's moving away for a year and then should be back in town. Long distance sucks but it's so much easier when you know there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

If she can't understand that then you two are not meant to be together (at least for the next year or so). Also while I understand you've been with her a while you're just 22 man. You're just getting out there. All the time in the world to find the right girl (if it doesn't work out with her).

1/21/2011 2:02:16 PM

Quote :

"You just need some people to tell you that staying is the right decision. Dude... Staying is the right decision. "

1/21/2011 2:05:55 PM

Definitely a hard decision and if you love her as much as you say, this one's a killer. But, above all else, I think you need to be firm about staying here until you finish your degree. After that? Leave it open. That even takes the year out of it--it's 3 months from 15 February to graduation. You will be able to graduate, without worrying about any BS about transferring credits or where your degree will actually be from. You won't be trying to study, complete projects, and finish your education while trying to adjust to a new city and a new living arrangement, which are really trying on their own. And you'll be within driving distance. Also, if you decide to join her out there at that point, then if you'll only be out of the area for 9 months rather than 12, it might be easier for you to keep your customers and keep your seat open with the family business.

I'm sure long distance relationships suck. I've never been in one but I can imagine. But if she really loves you as much as you do her, she should be willing to give this a try, because it's of paramount importance to your future and, should you end up getting married, the financial security of your family, for you to finish your degree. If she's not willing to try it for 3 short months, I question her commitment. She should be willing to make this sacrifice for you, considering what she's asking you to do.

Quote :

"My g/f of 2 years (will be 3.5 years when relevant), expects me to move so we can be together while she can goes to grad school in chapel hill (or insert other school here). My simple answer is fuck no. I am currently the bread winner, and the degree she wants is offered here at UNCW otherwise we can do the long distance thing. As this is the only thing besides her finishing her undergrad, holding us up from potentially getting married it has become a big deal. IMHO once she is done with graduate school making $90,000K+ a year as a PA or NP I'll move to NY, Fargo ND, or downtown Chapel Gay if she so desires. Until then my job is the money winner."

Not to sound like I'm contradicting the advice I just gave to the OP, but in your situation, is it really all about the job? Can you not find another job where she goes to school? I may find myself in a similar situation--my gf is going to apply for a master's program at UNC, VCU, and ECU to start in fall '12. If she ends up at VCU or ECU she will have to move (we live in Durham). I'm currently the primary breadwinner as it were, as she's taking classes to cover prereqs that she didn't take in undergrad. But, if she goes, I plan to follow as soon as I can find a suitable job in the new area. Just because I make more money right now doesn't mean that I have the right to demand to stay in my comfortable situation and go long distance for 2 years. Give and take?

1/21/2011 2:21:13 PM

wait, you're only 22?


Dude, let her move and you stay put and keep building your life.

1/21/2011 2:43:19 PM

Quote :

"Also the fact that she does not even want to try staying together long distance should tell you she is not serious enough to be worth moving for. "

THIS

THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS

Samwise16 has some quote, basically saying distance will crush faint relationships and make strong relationships blossom. I'd say its true.

Quote :

"However, my "just washing cars" is a very sucessful business I have built from the ground up and have many clients across VA, NC and SC. "

Absolutely do not just throw it away for a girl who can't tolerate being in the same city for a few months. It is a business worth several thousand dollars. My dad's buddy used to wash boat bottoms out around Morehead, and when he moved to Florida he sold his spreadsheets of client information (names, numbers, washing schedule) and company name for about $150K.

[Edited on January 21, 2011 at 2:50 PM. Reason : lkj]

1/21/2011 2:47:27 PM

I'm turning 24 this year, my profile is a little old. I know that's still young, but you have to put yourself in my shoes.....been with her for seven years...that's nothing to shake a stick at.

Also, she never said she wouldn't do long distance, she just does not want to. I think some are getting the wrong idea about what she is wanting. She wants me to come with her, but (I hope) that she sees my side of the story and why I can't. I just wanted to know if I was being selfish for not going.

1/21/2011 3:00:26 PM

You shouldn't feel selfish at all.. you have quite a bit invested in your life right now to just get up and leave for a period as short as a year, especially when the distance isn't so great.

If she was moving across the country then MAYBE you should consider moving but, even then, you should at least wait until you graduate since you're so amazingly close.

1/21/2011 3:06:04 PM

Quote :

"Also, she never said she wouldn't do long distance, she just does not want to. "

That sounds more reasonable, no one wants long distance if they can help it. Hopefully you can sit her down and you two can have a good discussion about this. Good luck!

1/21/2011 3:23:35 PM

If you've been dating since you were 17, it probably is a good idea for you guys to do the long distance thing for a year. Should give both of you some perspective on the relationship I think

1/21/2011 3:24:53 PM

"Baby, everyone on the internet says I should stay here."

For real though, there's lots of good advice in this thread, it seems. If she can't deal a year "apart" (10 hours round trip is different from her being in Wyoming or something) that's on her. You shouldn't have to uproot your whole life for just that year.

Basically what egg eyes said:

Quote :

"You shouldn't feel selfish at all.. you have quite a bit invested in your life right now to just get up and leave for a period as short as a year, especially when the distance isn't so great. If she was moving across the country then MAYBE you should consider moving but, even then, you should at least wait until you graduate since you're so amazingly close."

[Edited on January 21, 2011 at 3:35 PM. Reason : .]

1/21/2011 3:35:35 PM

^^Been dating since 16 (must of gotten my math wrong lol). The on and off thing is we have had a few breaks and both of us dated a few other people during one of them...so its not like full time start dating from 16 till now.

1/21/2011 3:46:06 PM

"Distance is to love like wind is to fire - it extinguishes the small and kindles the great."

1/21/2011 3:46:15 PM

^Permission to use that in upcoming conversation?

1/21/2011 3:49:51 PM

I didn't make it up, so I don't mind

1/21/2011 3:51:21 PM

Quote :

"Building houses w/ his dad"

this girl hasn't even been to vet school yet. By the time she finished vet school he will already be tripling what she is going to make as a new grad....

Not to mention if you have been with the girl for 7 years and aren't already engaged or married, when do you plan on doing that? After she finishes with vet school, hell she may never even go. It sounds like you have your life together and planned out a whole lot better then your girl who is going to leave town for a job she doesn't even plan on staying at if she's waiting for vet school...

1/21/2011 4:00:04 PM