3

3/31/2009 8:44:41 AM

shiatza

3/31/2009 9:00:04 AM

Quote :

"Today, I got on an elevator with a woman and her child. I was the first one on. When she stepped on, the capacity alarm went off. As she left she told her daughter that's why fat people shouldn't be allowed in public. I'm 145 lbs. She was twice my size. I got called fat by a hippopotamus. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I woke up to 70 new text messages and 100 calls all from numbers I didn't know. The night before I got into a heated argument with my old best friend about who was prettier. She got mad and posted my number on craigslist.com as a prostitute. Apparently I won. FML"

3/31/2009 4:37:46 PM

Quote :

"Today, the C-train was packed and I was stuck with a homeless man pressed up against me. He was staring at me intently, and two minutes into the ride he got an erection, which was rubbed against me at every single bump and turn of the train. FML"

3/31/2009 4:42:14 PM

Quote :

"Today, I was called by my 9 year old son's teacher. He had handcuffed himslef to his desk with handcuffs he found in my room. I was told to please bring in the key and not to leave my sex toys out where a child could get them. I am a cop. FML"

3/31/2009 11:05:11 PM

Quote :

"Today, for my girlfriend's birthday, I got her an external hard drive and my grandmother's engagement ring. When she opened both boxes, I took her hand and looked deep in her eyes and told her to pick whichever she wanted. She took the external hard drive, even though she already has one. FML"

I LOLed

3/31/2009 11:24:29 PM

Quote :

"Today, I was on a crowded subway going home. My trousers were a bit dusty so I tried to dust myself off. As I was slapping the side of my leg I missed and hit a woman behind me in the ass. She called me a pervert and walked off. Everyone stared at me. It takes 40 minutes to get home. FML"

4/1/2009 1:26:18 PM

Quote :

"Today, my boyfriend brought me breakfast in bed, told me all the things he loved about me, got down on one knee and pulled out the little blue box I had been hoping for, for so long. He opened the box and there was a note inside that said, "April Fools!" FML"

4/1/2009 7:25:55 PM

there's no way half of this shit is even real

4/1/2009 7:26:54 PM

Quote :

"Today, a joke, my friends plastic wrapped me to my bed while i was sleeping, I had an allergic reaction to the plastic and had to have the girl i like come cut me out and give me my meds. I sleep naked and was unable to put on clothes during this time. She saw me naked, swollen & with hives. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I was playing in a basketball game and blocked this kid's shot. I was really pumped up about it until I realized the kid had cerebral palsy and the coach put him on the team because he really wanted to be on at least one team in his life. FML"

4/2/2009 8:29:21 AM

Quote :

"Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "because you can't find a real girl I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML"

Quote :

"Today, I was on MSN with my friend and my 9 year old brother. My friend asked me for some advice about how to give a guy a good blowjob. I went into great detail, and then realised that I had typed it to the wrong window. I gave my little brother tips on how to perform fellatio. FML"

4/2/2009 6:06:57 PM

Quote :

"Today, my fiancee turned 21. I stayed up and took care of him for 3 hours while he puked his guts out. When I FINALLY get him to bed, he jumps up and rips the lid off a plastic container on the floor and pukes in it. It was full of all my yearbooks, baby pictures, and childhood memories. FML"

4/2/2009 9:37:07 PM

Quote :

"Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML"

ahahaha

I need to use that line.

4/6/2009 9:20:17 PM

4/6/2009 10:03:35 PM

i just posted "Today, UNC won the NCAA National Championship in basketball. FML"

4/7/2009 1:01:56 AM

^^^ I call B.S. on that. No way.

4/7/2009 1:31:46 AM

Quote :

"Today, I was going to have sex with my hispanic boyfriend. I wanted to turn him on, so I asked my friend how to say "fuck me" in Spanish. She claimed it was "pollo frito". I then proceeded to have sex, constantly screaming pollo frito for an hour. I later realized I was screaming "fried chicken." FML"

4/7/2009 11:57:00 AM

Quote :

"Today, me and my boyfriend were telling eachother secrets and I told him i've shaved my upper lip. He said "I know, it's prickly when we make out." FML"

4/7/2009 12:08:17 PM

the chicken one is funny.

4/8/2009 10:16:34 AM

Quote :

"Today, I was at work laminating a large photo. While I was doing this, I had a sudden itch on my nut sack. So I quickly scratched it away. When the customer came to pick up the print, I noticed that one of my pubic hairs had laminated itself on the cheek of the woman in the photograph. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I ran over a squirrel. I saw it twitching so I backed over it to end its suffering. It wasn't a squirrel it was a kitten. The children it belonged to watched as I ran over their kitten. TWICE. FML"

[Edited on April 8, 2009 at 5:41 PM. Reason : lul]

4/8/2009 5:34:31 PM

Quote :

"Today, I was playing with my pet hamster and I decided to put it down my pants for fun. It started running around and I actually got aroused. My mom then proceeded to walk into my room to see me with an erection and my pet hamster poke his head out of the hole in my boxers. FML"

lawl

Quote :

"Today, at lunch I was running to my group's table with my friend. She accidentally tripped me, and I slid across the café floor face first on my belly. The whole cafeteria was silent. They then broke out in hysterics when the head janitor ran up to me and yelled 'SAFE!' like a baseball umpire. FML"

[Edited on April 9, 2009 at 5:37 PM. Reason : m mm m,,n,]

4/9/2009 5:35:22 PM

Quote :

" Today, a women drove through my house. She was texting and eating watermelon at the same time. I didn't know that was even possible to do. Now my house is condemned. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I was reading a text from my girlfriend as i was paying for my shopping in a supermarket. As i was thinking what to reply, the woman behind the counter handed me my change. I got confused and said "Thank you, I love you!" FML"

4/12/2009 4:35:20 PM

today, the egg hunt on TWW ended, and I lost again

FML

4/12/2009 4:41:06 PM

You just got another though...

4/12/2009 4:45:29 PM

Quote :

"today, the egg hunt on TWW ended, and I lost again"

soon, this will be plump with my seed

4/12/2009 4:46:21 PM

Quote :

"Today, I parked my car on the side of a street downtown right where I recently had my car broken into through the window. I covered my window and put a sign up saying,"Please do not break in. No valuables." I came back to another window being busted in and a sign that said "Just checking ". FML"

4/12/2009 4:57:21 PM

Quote :

"Today, I walked in on my boyfriend of 5 years having sex with my best friend. When they saw me they immediately stopped and said nothing. After about 5 seconds of silence my boyfriend yells "April fools!!". April Fools was 12 days ago. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I was cuddling with the guy I like. I looked into his eyes and said, "Your eyes are so blue, like the ocean." He replied by saying, "Your eyes are so brown... like my shit". FML"

4/12/2009 5:11:14 PM

Post Quality Fuck My Lifes Here

4/12/2009 5:16:52 PM

^^ i call BS on both those. but the second one made me chuckle. (sounds like something i'd say to ruin the moment.)

4/12/2009 5:20:10 PM

Quote :

"Post Quality Fuck My Lifes Here"

4/13/2009 12:23:11 PM

Quote :

"Today, I drove 9 hours and took Monday off of work to surprise my Mom and Dad for Easter. They weren't home so I called to tell them the surprise, rather than wait. They didn't answer as they were on a flight to Denver to surprise me for Easter since "I couldn't get off work." FML"

4/14/2009 5:47:40 AM

FYI they made an iPhone app for Fmylife for those of you with an iPhone...

4/14/2009 5:59:42 AM

oh is this "fuck my life"? i thought it was "for the motherfucking loss". hah

4/14/2009 8:15:21 AM

Quote :

"Today, half asleep, I dropped my pill before I could take it. I quickly picked it up and washed it down. Five hours later, I just found my pill on the ground. What did I swallow? FML"

4/14/2009 9:10:56 AM

there's also one for blackberry
http://forums.crackberry.com/f35/free-f-my-life-application-184334/

4/14/2009 9:14:35 AM

a load.

4/14/2009 9:17:49 AM

Quote :

"Today, I stumbled upon my boyfriend's Facebook. His second Facebook. On which I also stumbled upon his second girlfriend. FML"

I've always wondered how people work that these days.

4/14/2009 7:57:23 PM

Quote :

"Today, I was at the aquarium with my boyfriend. I ran to my favorite section: the petting section and started petting a sea slug. My boyfriend eventually came up next to me and I jokingly told him "this feels a lot like your cock". When I turned to him, it was a random 10 year old boy. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I performed in my school play. Right before my big solo, I noticed a few girls changing backstage and I became aroused. The play was Jesus Christ Superstar, and I was playing Jesus. All I was wearing was a little cloth, so the whole audience saw Jesus get hard during the crucifixion. FML"

Quote :

"Today, a cute boy told me I looked like a celebrity. Flattered, I asked who I resembled. He responded by saying that I looked exactly like Ugly Betty. He was serious. FML"

4/15/2009 11:03:53 AM

Quote :

" Today, I backed my car into a parked car in a parking lot. Not only did I back into a parked car, but it was the ONLY parked car there. FML"

Quote :

" Today, I told my mom I am bulimic and have been for a few years and that I need help. She responded by saying "Well that's clearly not working for you. Why don't you try anorexia." She then patted me on my head, smiled, and walked away. FML"

4/15/2009 7:24:14 PM

Quote :

"Today, I had dinner with the girl I thought I would end up marrying. Everything was going well and after I had payed the bill, she said she was a lesbian. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, she challenged me to see who could hook up with a straight girl first. I lost. FML"

4/16/2009 7:24:05 AM

^AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

4/16/2009 8:03:47 AM

Quote :

"Today, I was home alone while my mom went out to dinner. I decided to hop in the shower, and I noticed my mom left her douche in there. After, I texted her telling her what I found and that it was gross. Her response? "It's not gross. It came from my vagina, like you and your sister." FML"

Quote :

"Today, my car got a flat tire. I jacked up my car, removed the flat and went to get my spare out of the trunk. Where my spare is supposed to be I found a note. It said "You're a bitch - John". John is my ex boyfriend. He borrowed my car the day we broke up, apparently he stole my spare tire too. FML"

4/17/2009 8:54:54 AM

Quote :

"Today, I was eating some left over Easter peanut M&M's at work when I exclaimed "oh cool they have E's on them for Easter". It took me a couple of minutes but I did eventually realize that I was looking at a regular M&M sideways. Definitely explains my coworkers uncontrollable laughter. FML"

HAHAHA

4/17/2009 9:44:57 AM

4/17/2009 9:49:08 AM

Quote :

"Today, as I was taking a shit in the men's bathroom at a local bar. A man rushes in the bathroom to puke. All the stalls were taken. He kicks in my door and tells me to get out. I say "No, I'm taking a shit". Without warning he pukes all over me, punches me in the face and runs away. FML"

4/19/2009 1:14:40 PM

^ hahahaha

4/19/2009 2:49:05 PM

^^ no way.

4/19/2009 3:31:55 PM

Quote :

"Today my hamster gave birth. The babies were very cute and I couldn't resist petting one. Apparently touching a baby hamster will cause it's mother to reject and devour it. I am now know in my family as "The Hamster Slaughterer." FML"

4/21/2009 10:34:28 AM

Quote :

"Today, I told my mom that I was taking antidepressants because I hate myself. She said "That's not surprising. You hate everybody. And, you're kind of a bitch." FML"

Quote :

"Today, I was at the gynocologist and he was performing a routine check-up. He was a new doctor and I was just slightly uncomfortable with him. About mid-check-up, as he felt around my uterus, he said in a cartoonish voice, "Oh, it's so squishy up here." The doctor turned me into a sock puppet. FML"

4/21/2009 10:37:25 AM

^^^^^ thats gotta be BS. I've seen the one for the other side of that story though

4/21/2009 10:38:34 AM