cinco

4/30/2009 12:37:22 PM

Quote :

"Today, I got in the shower, washed my hair and shaved because I wanted to look great for a big date. I got out, brushed and dried my hair and spent an hour putting it up in the perfect hairstyle. Running late, I quickly put on my new dress, looked down and realized i had only shaved one leg. FML"

Quote :

"Today, my wife and I decided it would be funny to pull a prank on her family who we were going to see for dinner. I hid in the foyer while she went in and announced to her parents that she was leaving me. I watched as her mother hugged her daughter and cried "Finally..." FML"

Quote :

"Today, my daughther said "I love you mom", to me for the first time I can remember. She is 16 years old. She said it because I bought her first thong. FML"

5/1/2009 9:22:25 AM

Quote :

"Today, I took a bath with what I thought was my waterproof vibrator. It wasn't. Apparently my boyfriend found me passed out in the tub from an electric shock with my vibrator floating next to me. He refused to call a doctor and insisted on interrogating me about what he's doing wrong in bed. FML"

5/1/2009 10:35:40 AM

Quote :

"Today, I found out my girlfriend of 5 years cheated on me. When confronted she told me, "I didn't get wet so it wasn't cheating." FML"

5/1/2009 10:59:48 AM

my apartment got broke into last night; they took about 6 grand in stuff and trashed the rest.

fml

5/1/2009 12:07:36 PM

Quote :

"Today, my girlfriend's mother called her in the bedroom for a serious talk. I overheard them arguing and yelling at each other. It turns out her mother found a condom next to her garbage. We got caught because her cat swallowed the condom and threw it up. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I was walking downstairs to the subway. At the top of the stairs this hobo was peeing. Two seconds before, I told my friend I felt rain. It wasn't rain. FML"

5/1/2009 2:12:58 PM

It is midnight on Friday night, and I am posting on a college message board at 27 years old. FMyLife

5/2/2009 12:06:19 AM

Quote :

"Today, I had my first job interview and didn't have much of an appetite because of the nerves. So I grabbed a brownie that my roommate had left in the fridge and ate it on the train ride in to the city. About 20 minutes into my interview I was so stoned I couldn't speak. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I left a party after drinking, and was soon pulled over. I frantically grabbed my mouthwash I keep for emergency situations to cover up the alcohol smell on my breath. I was given the breathalyzer almost immediately. I blew a 2.37. Apparently, alcohol is the main ingredient of Listerine. FML"

hahaha, fail

Quote :

"Today, I went to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor went through the normal questions, then paused for a moment and jotted something down. Later when I got back my report from the checkup, I noticed that the doctor had checked the "no" box by "sexually active." She didn't even ask me that. FML."

Quote :

"Today, I forgot my inhaler. I had an asthma attack and had to go to the ER. The doctors told me it wasn't an asthma attack. It was just a panic attack from worrying about whether I would get an asthma attack. FML"

5/2/2009 6:11:02 PM

Quote :

" Today, I was driving down the road at about 10pm, when the passenger in the car in front of me threw something out the window. The object flew towards and landed directly on my windshield. It was a condom. A used condom. It wasn't tied. Semen spreads out quite a bit when you're driving fast. FML"

5/3/2009 9:32:08 PM

Quote :

"Today, my soccer team got our warm up t-shirts that say "You can hit on us, but you can't score." After the game, a guy behind my friend asks, "Hey what does the front of your shirt say?" I replied for her, "You can hit on us." He looked at me and my friend and said, "No thanks." FML"

5/4/2009 8:38:31 AM

Quote :

"Today, I found out that the girl I've been dating online for over a year is actually a very bored 14 year old boy. FML"

5/4/2009 10:47:36 AM

^ LOL

5/4/2009 11:24:44 AM

Quote :

"Today, I was talking with this cute guy. I mentioned the fact that I'm single. His response, "It'd be awkward, but we can still fuck." FML"

Quote :

"Today, I saw my neighbor's son mowing their lawn when suddenly he started to do this crazy dance. Chuckling at his antics I waved and proceeded to walk back into my house. His mom called me from a hospital later to ask if I could put the mower away, he had been attacked by bees. FML"

5/5/2009 8:31:19 AM

Quote :

"Today, I lost track of time while rocking out, butt-naked, to Kelly Clarkson and Michelle Branch after taking a shower. Three of my metalhead friends had let themselves in my house and were on the lower level laughing their butts off at me for 30 minutes before telling me. I'm a 23 year old guy. FML"

5/5/2009 3:03:33 PM

Quote :

"Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. We got on the discussion of animals, and I showed them a picture of my cat on my phone. Being a touchscreen, when her father grabbed it, it changed picture. To a picture of my girlfriend, fully nude. FML"

5/5/2009 4:45:44 PM

he should have made a smart comment about getting to see a second pussy and then peaced the fuck out.

5/5/2009 4:47:52 PM

Quote :

"Today, I was insulted online by a teenager who said that I was probably a fat loser that still lives with their mother and a couple of cats. They were right. FML"

RD?

5/5/2009 4:49:04 PM

Quote :

"Today, was my first meeting with business partners as I am new to the team. Instead of saying that I was looking forward to "stretching my legs" or "spreading my wings", I told them I was anxious to start "spreading my legs". FML"

Quote :

"Today, I was at a bar talking to a very attractive young woman. I began to see that she wanted me as she pulled closer and closer. Eventually she pulled me in and licked my ear lobe sensually. She proceeded to say, "I wanna break your collar bone." in a seductive tone. FML"

5/6/2009 9:03:31 AM

who the hell says that?

5/6/2009 9:05:48 AM

Quote :

"Today, I saw a couple of beetles doing it. Jealous, I quickly crushed them with my boot while screaming, "IF I CAN'T DO IT, NOBODY WILL!" All the little kids playing on the local playground, including parents supervising them, gave me dirty, confused looks. FML"

5/6/2009 11:55:31 AM

Quote :

"Today, I was at a bar with some buddies. They had all left me at the bar alone. So i picked up a ride from this really hot chick. She brought me home and tied me naked on my stomach to the bed. Then out of the corner of my eye i saw a penis fly out of her pants. Now I'm not the same. FML"

go to "moderate the FMLs", some of them are lame, but who knows how long till they get on the main page

5/6/2009 12:11:13 PM

Quote :

"Today I was taking a piss at the urinal when a fly started buzzing around my head. It started getting all in my face so I tried to swat it away. After about 10 seconds of intense swatting at it I looked down to find I had pissed all over my shoes and down the front of my trousers. FML"

5/6/2009 2:46:27 PM

Hahaha, found this on the 'moderate fmls' page

Quote :

"Today, my family was preparing a turkey for my grandma's birthday dinner when my aunt noticed a utensil on the counter and asked what it was for. My mom said it was used to keep the turkey's legs together, and my aunt responded to her by saying, "Maybe you should get one for your daughter." FML."

5/6/2009 2:50:09 PM

TROUSERS.

5/6/2009 2:50:33 PM

Quote :

"Today I was having some fun with my boyfriend.. We were doing the usual. And as he traveled down to my chest, he got a little rough in the nipple area. As he started to nibble, I felt a hard chomp. Yes...he bit off my nipple and we went to the E R.... FML"

ooops

5/6/2009 3:02:43 PM

^^^i got the same one

5/6/2009 3:06:55 PM

Quote :

"Today, I was excited about my friend going wedding dress shopping. Before I went to go work out, I decided to try on a prom dress from high school to remember what it felt like to get dressed up. It was too tight, I broke the zipper, and spent 45 minutes trapped before I cut myself out. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I set three alarms to wake up for my final exam this morning. Turns out the first one died in the middle of the night, the second one I had set to 8pm instead of 8am, and the third one was on silent mode. I can't even set an alarm clock and I'm supposed to graduate next week. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I came home to find my living room carpet covered in vomit and diarhea from my dog. It took me about 2 hours to get the whole mess cleaned up. I used my last package of paper towels and Lysol. Exausted and nauseated, I stumbled into my bedroom to find the same ordeal all over my bed. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I went to a party. I was trying to walk past a group of girls sitting against the fridge. I held on to the top of the fridge for balance, but the freezer door opened and a glass handle fell on one of the girls' head. As I bent down to see if she was okay, I spilled my drink all over her. FML"

owned

Quote :

"Today I was talking with my friend about my birthday party a few years back. He finally decided to come clean with me. He was getting a hand job from this girl on my bed and he didn't have anything to finish on so he finished on my pillow. So I slept on my friends cum until my pillow was washed. FML"

[Edited on May 6, 2009 at 3:16 PM. Reason : safd]

5/6/2009 3:09:12 PM

Quote :

"Today, I looked down to see a tiny spider crawling on the inside of my leg, very close to my crotch. When I tried to brush it off, it only flew a couple inches because it was making a web between my legs. Even a spider knew that it's been awhile. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I got a call from my child's preschool saying that "Mindy keeps saying she sits on her daddy's lap and plays with his peter." My daughter meant 'puter, as in computer. Now the school is worried my husband is a child molester. FML"

Quote :

"Today, as I was running a cute guy was coming towards me. As he was passing me, he yelled "nice tush!" I said thanks and slapped my ass flirtatiously. He stopped running, laughed and pointed to my crotch, replying "No, I said nice BUSH" I looked down to see my shorts had rode up a bit too high. FML"

[Edited on May 7, 2009 at 9:10 AM. Reason : ]

5/7/2009 9:00:11 AM

Quote :

"Today, I went to the gynecologist for my annual. He took a seat in his stool, looked at my vaginal area, and said, "Oh yeah, that's angry." FML"

i LOL'd

5/8/2009 9:00:58 AM

^ ahahahaha

5/8/2009 9:04:09 AM

Quote :

"Today, my wife of three years asked me to meet her for lunch at Subway. When I arrived she was standing in the parking lot and she handed me a footlong sub and said "I got you a turkey sandwich" and then immediately followed it up with "And I'm leaving you." FML"

another winnar!

5/8/2009 9:05:16 AM

Quote :

" Today, I texted a girl who I had hooked up with the night before to see if she wanted to hang out again. She responded, "I think we should keep it the way it was, before last night." I just met her last night. FML"

Quote :

" Today, I had surgery on my foot. The doctor told me that I would be on crutches for 6 months. I texted my boyfriend the news, promising sexual favors if he would watch movies with me while on bed rest for the next week. He texted back "No way. I don't date cripples." Dumped for a broken foot. FML"

Quote :

" Today, I was running on a track above a basketball court. I noticed several cute guys playing a pick-up game, so I tried to run my hardest. Not paying attention, I didn't hear when they warned me about the ball flying towards me. It hit me in the head, I then ran into a wall and face-planted. FML"

hahaha, that's definitely one of those "Dude, throw the ball near the hot chick" moments

5/8/2009 12:50:13 PM

Quote :

" Today, my friend had to take my cat who has a tumor to be put down when I wasn't home since I couldn't bare to take him myself. I have two cats. He took the wrong one. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I cut down a dead tree in my yard. The top hit the ground and the base seesawed up in the air and came down on my head. I hit the ground like a sack of flour. Fortunately, the wood was rotted and soft. Unfortunately, the chainsaw was still running. 28 stitches in my calf. FML"

5/11/2009 2:44:14 AM

^Those are both good FMLs. The dark humor is actually there (well, those two are almost too dark, but it's at least actually something that the phrase "fuck my life" could apply to).

...Seems like almost all of them on the site lately are just shitty "Today, I was the butt of a joke because I said or did something stupid. FML"

[Edited on May 11, 2009 at 2:50 AM. Reason : .]

5/11/2009 2:48:40 AM

I wonder how much of this is made up along with the texts from last night

5/11/2009 2:50:31 AM

Quote :

"I was making lunch and picked up a bottle of buffalo sauce to shake, only the cap wasn't on tightly. Buffalo sauce goes everywhere. I quickly threw my shirt and shorts in the washer to get the red stains out. Five minutes later I remember my blackberry was in my pocket. FML"

[Edited on May 11, 2009 at 12:26 PM. Reason : that one was mine actually]

5/11/2009 12:26:00 PM

Quote :

"Today, I was pulling out of my driveway, and was being aware of the flowers I had just planted. I moved my head to look out my window as not to hit them, not realizing my window was up. I then proceeded to hit my head break my nose and drive over the flowers. FML"

5/12/2009 9:08:03 AM

Quote :

"Today, not wanting to be known as a lightweight anymore, I started drinking with some guy friends. After one beer I ended up in bed with one of them who kindly put my bra back on for me after, as I was too sloshed. I'm no longer known as lightweight, but instead, the slutty drunk. FML"

5/13/2009 3:28:56 AM

I don't believe it.

Either it's a fake story, someone put something in the beer, or... it's a fake story.

5/13/2009 6:34:17 AM

Or they're Asian.

5/13/2009 6:46:35 AM

5/13/2009 7:59:52 AM

haha. I know a girl that goes to UNCW that can get absolutely plastered, ready to go streaking drunk on 1 beer. Cheapest drunk ever. Granted she only weighs about 90 lbs and is maybe 5' on a good day.

5/13/2009 8:33:30 AM

lol, perfect

5/13/2009 9:11:05 AM

Quote :

" Today, a parent came into my class and told one of my 6 year old students that their grandma died. Then the parent left. The kid started crying from the news, which then got all the other students crying. I spent the rest of the day comforting a class of kids crying over someone else's grandma. FML"

5/14/2009 12:16:54 AM

Quote :

"Today, my 3-year-old said, "Mommy, I can share my teddy grahams with you." I said, "Thanks, honey, you're so sweet." And I ate a few. When I popped the last one in my mouth, I said, "Oh no, all gone!" She said, "That's okay, I have more." Then pulled the next handful out of her underwear. FML"

5/14/2009 9:38:41 AM

^ & ^^ lol

5/14/2009 9:46:21 AM

I've updated AutoPager to work with TWW! No more clicking between pages!

Current users should see the change within a day or so.

https://addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/4925

5/14/2009 1:32:01 PM

downloaded it but it doesn't seem to be working

5/14/2009 1:51:48 PM

I've updated AutoPager to work on thewolfweb.com and brentroad.com with, and without the 'www'

It may take a day or two before the changes take effect so hold tight! Enjoy!

5/15/2009 3:52:34 AM

Quote :

"Today, my 6 year old daughter walked in on my husband and I having sex. Now she won't stop 'pretending to be daddy' against items of furniture. We have guests coming round in three hours. FML"

5/15/2009 9:41:26 AM