Quote :

""Hark the federal agents sing, Santa is guilty of nearly everything," said Libertarian Party press secretary George Getz. "The feds know when Santa's been bad or good -- and he's been bad, for goodness sakes." * Every December 25, the illegal immigrant known as Santa Claus crosses the border into the United States without a passport. He carries concealed contraband, which he sneaks into the country in order to avoid inspection by the U.S. Customs Service. And just what's in all those brightly colored packages tied up with ribbons, anyway? The Drug Czar and Homeland Security want to know. * Look at how this international fugitive gets around: Santa flies in a custom-built sleigh that hasn't been approved by the FAA. He never files a flight plan. He has no pilot's license. In the dark of night, he rides the skies with just a tiny bioluminescent red light to guide him -- a clear violation of traffic safety regulations. * Pulling Santa's sleigh: Eight tiny reindeer, a federally protected species being put to hard labor. None of these reindeer have their required shots, and Santa's never bothered to get these genetically- engineered animals registered and licensed. It's no wonder: He keeps them penned outside his workplace in a clear violation of zoning laws. * But Crooked Claus the Conniving Capitalist harms more than just animals -- he's hurting hard-working American laborers, too. Isn't Santa's Workshop really Santa's Sweatshop, where his non-union employees don't make minimum wage and get no holiday pay? Add the fact that OSHA has never inspected the place, and you have a Third-World elf-exploitation operation that only Kathy Lee Gifford could love. * No wonder Santa is able to maintain his monopoly over the toy distribution industry: He's cornered the Christmas gift market. Santa dares to give away his products for free in a sinister attempt to crush all competition -- just like Microsoft's Internet Explorer. Antitrust Lawsuit Memo to the feds: Is Santa Claus the Bill Gates of Christmas? The bottom line, said Getz: "It might be tough sledding for Jolly St. Nick this Christmas if the government decides to prosecute him."

12/22/2005 10:27:53 AM

SandSanta

12/22/2005 10:43:38 AM

Quote :

"In France and Germany, gifts are exchanged on Christmas Eve, while in Holland the children receive presents on December 5, in celebration of Saint Nicholas Day. It sounded sort of quaint until I spoke to a man named Oscar, who filled me in on a few of the details as we walked from my hotel to the Amsterdam train station. Unlike the jolly, obese American Santa, Saint Nicholas is painfully thin and dresses not unlike the pope, topping his robes with a tall hat resembling an embroidered tea cozy. The outfit, I was told, is a carryover from his former career, when he served as a bishop in Turkey. ..... The words silly and unrealistic were redefined when I learned that Saint Nicholas travels with what was consistently described as "six to eight black men." I asked several Dutch people to narrow it down, but none of them could give me an exact number. It was always "six to eight," which seems strange, seeing as they've had hundreds of years to get a decent count. The six to eight black men were characterized as personal slaves until the mid-fifties, when the political climate changed and it was decided that instead of being slaves they were just good friends. I think history has proven that something usually comes between slavery and friendship, a period of time marked not by cookies and quiet times beside the fire but by bloodshed and mutual hostility. They have such violence in Holland, but rather than duking it out among themselves, Santa and his former slaves decided to take it out on the public. In the early years, if a child was naughty, Saint Nicholas and the six to eight black men would beat him with what Oscar described as "the small branch of a tree." "A switch?" "Yes," he said. "That's it. They'd kick him and beat him with a switch. Then, if the youngster was really bad, they'd put him in a sack and take him back to Spain." "Saint Nicholas would kick you?" "Well, not anymore," Oscar said. "Now he just pretends to kick you." "And the six to eight black men?" "Them, too.""

-david sedaris

12/22/2005 11:10:32 AM

Quote :

"A Visit From Old St. Hillary 'Twas the night before Christmas, as in days of yore; Not a liberal was stirring, not even Al Gore; Our prospects were sinking, we pined in despair, And prayed that St. Hillary soon would appear. We Democrats waited, while snug in our beds, Impeachable articles danced in our heads! But with Bush in the White House and Cheney as veep, I'd just settled down to a paranoid sleep. When out on the Beltway arose such a clatter, I headed for Hardball to check out the chatter. I reached for my clicker with partisan glee, But only to gape at a blacked-out TV. The moon through the window cast light all about And showed me quite clearly the plug had come out. When what did I see on the former dark screen But the visage of DNC chair Howard Dean! He introduced someone, with looks that could kill; I cheered when I realized it must be St. Hill! More rapid than eagles her myrmidons came, When she whistled, and shouted, and called them by name; "Now, Daschle! Now, Durbin! Now, Eliot Spitzer! On, Matthews! On, Russert! On, Woodruff and Blitzer! To the Sunday news shows! To the National Mall! Now bash away! Bash away! Bash away all!" As big bucks before dirty congressmen fly, When they meet with flush lobbyists, eager to buy; So out to the hustings the Democrats flew, With a slate full of programs for states colored blue. And then in a twinkling, I saw on TV, As stunning a change as you're likely to see; As I grabbed for my clicker to turn up the sound, Through my Sony, St. Hillary came with a bound! She was dressed all in white from her head to her toe, All except for a pink blouse that set her aglow; An American flag pin she wore with great pride, And she looked to my eyes like a blushing new bride. Her eyes -- how they sparkled! Her cheeks were so rosy! Her little pug nose just like Nancy Pelosi! Her sweet smiling lips bore no hint of complaint And her overall bearing was that of a saint. A worn-out old bible she clutched in her hand And declared that upon it our nation should stand: "The war in Iraq is just part of God's willing, Like permanent tax-cuts and ANWR oil drilling." She was clearly possessed by some right-wingish soul, And she spoke with the drawl of Elizabeth Dole! A shy sheepish grin and a toss of her hair, Soon gave me a feeling of awful despair. She spoke of the heartland with tears in her eyes; And grand fruited plains and of God's spacious skies. When praising Rush Limbaugh and Tammy Wynette, She caused me to wake from my sleep in a sweat! My screen was now dark but I wasn't alone; St. Hill had a message that chilled to the bone; With a voice that resembled sharp nails on a slate, She exclaimed, "MERRY CHRISTMAS! At least till '08!""

12/22/2005 11:20:29 AM

This must be a holiday tradition...

From Chris Fitzsimon:

Quote :

"The week before Christmas By Chris Fitzsimon 'Twas the week before Christmas and all through the state, Politicos were buzzing about Speaker Black's fate. Indictments, resignation or a slap on the wrist, Or nothing at all would come out of this. Black said he'll survive and he seems pretty sure But a grand jury is listening to what the facts were. There's Norris and Geddings and dinner at Mo's And lobbying that only the email record shows. But the talk in Raleigh is not all Norris and Black Orr's lawsuit would make them take the lottery back. They passed it with one sick and another out of reach, In that faraway land, little-known Myrtle Beach. But beyond Garwood and Brown, the lottery two, The games now face a constitutional issue. Turns out the lottery really is a cash cow, All the new execs make at least 100 thou. There's a special commission to clean up the mess The trips and the gifts and the lobbyists' largesse. Beason and Black say they are out of that game, Business at Sullivans will never be the same. At year end we find Erskine's in, Molly's out Not a Board decision, it was all Basnight's clout. Who runs UNC it might lead you to ask, The club with the money keeps earning the task. Big Rams and Big Wolves who rush to donate, Leave us paying for star players from out of state. No money for health or kids who need care, But enough for a Biopolis that's not even there. No Senate race for Mike Easley, his campaigns are done, He'd take the White House he says, if he decided to run. One North Carolina he continues to seek, Big enough for everyone except Jerry Meek. What are these games for and why should we care, Big Rams and Vegetable Kings have money to spare. What about the rest of us struggling as we go, Who don't play the game, but just want to know There's a doctor to see and a roof overhead, That the mentally ill can find an open bed. There's a place for our parents to go as they age, And a job that pays a true living wage. That's the one state where we all want to be, The spirit of the season makes it easier to see. Put the games aside, let the holidays teach One North Carolina is still within reach."

12/22/2005 2:30:01 PM

You're Mean One, Mr Pope!

[Edited on December 22, 2005 at 11:01 PM. Reason : "Da-hoo For-ess"]

12/22/2005 10:59:46 PM

If that man is not Emperor Palpatine and Gollum's lovechild, I don't know who is.

12/23/2005 10:58:26 PM

oh no, santa's going to sleigh all of us in cold blood!

12/24/2005 3:05:35 PM