Yesterday around lunchtime, my parents flew into town unexpectedly to visit. I had no idea they were coming, and had no idea why they were coming to visit, especially since they've been busy out in San Francisco working on fixing up their new condo.

Anyways, they show up at the door only with a small carry-on bag with a single change of clothes, along with a whole meal from this awesome country-style restaurant from downtown. We had a good Sunday lunch and all, and afterwards we were sitting in the living room conversing and having a pretty good time. And then the bomb dropped when my dad said that they thought I have been depressed lately (as in the last 2-3 years) and that they want me to go see a psychiatrist to see if I have some sort of depression.

I'm still in denial and shock about the whole thing, but they claim that they've seen me going downhill over the past couple of years and that I appear gloomy and full of despair. They said that physically my eyes look sunken in and that I look weak and frail, and that emotionally my mood has been very negative and claims that they haven't seen me genuinely smile in a couple of years. They also claim that my attitude towards them has changed; we've always been a real close family, but they feel that I've essentially cut myself loose from them and have turned a cold shoulder on them. I didn't really know how to respond to that comment, for it felt like I was stabbed in the heart and salt poured into the wound. I have such care and respect for my parents that even if I was mad at them, I would never say or do anything that would remotely hurt their feelings.

They then told me that it's nothing to be ashamed of, and that whatever is "wrong" isn't my fault because my genes are plagued with depression from both sides of the family. Two of my great aunts were so "depressed" that they drank themselves to death, and that my grandfather tried to kill himself because he was so down. On top of that, the majority of my other relatives have had similar emotional problems, even my mother. She as well as many others are on antidepressants, and they're afraid that I'm starting to show the same signs of depression that they've seen before. Although I don't feel really any different than I ever did, they think that I just don't know that I *should* be feeling better than I am since I have maybe always been this way.

Now, I know I've had my fair share of ups and downs over the past decade. I guess my first major "problem" occurred in 1998 when my older sister was killed in a drunk driving accident. As with any close death, it just knocked me out like a sack of bricks, and the grieving period lasted several months until my parents sent me to a counselor to help get me back on track. Two years later in 2000, right after I graduated from high school, I had my own drunk driving incident, where I lost my left arm and half of my vision. The loss was great, and I saw no light at the end of the tunnel until about 3 months later when I came to college.

Ever since then, I feel like I've been doing okay, and never would have even considered anything emotionally was wrong with me. I've worked hard these past 5.5 years in college, but I will say that I have been more successful academically than socially. I do have some very good, close friends, but I often find myself more focused on my work and most of the time prefer to be by myself than with others. I never was a big party-person, but I just always thought that's who I was. Also, since I've been in graduate school, I can't truly say that I'm happy, but I do enjoy what I do.

I'm not very knowledgeable about these things, but I did do some Googleing about what depression is and what some of the common symptoms are. Over the past month or two, I've had pretty bad insomnia and have lots a lot of weight (~20-25 pounds even though my diet hasn't really changed). I also used to love to run and swim, but haven't really felt like I had the energy to do that.

I know my parents are not doctors, and neither is TWW, but I do know that there are probably people on TWW that may have had similar experiences, which is why I made this thread. I always thought depression was when you sulk around at home, crying irrationally for days at a time, but perhaps I'm wrong. My parents were pretty upset, and they left this morning saying that they lost their only son years ago, and that they want to help bring him back (another stab wound).

What I'm not sure about is, are my parents just overreacting to the fact that their only remaining child is just growing up, or are they really seeing something in me that I'm not? I don't want to waste my or a doctor's time diagnosing something that isn't there, but if there is even a slight chance that seeing someone could help me feel better, it may very well be worth the time and effort to investigate further.

Has anyone else ever had any similar experiences, and what did you do?

2/13/2006 5:17:29 PM

read a bit of it
hope it works out for ya

wouldn't ever happen to me though, my folks don't know where i live

[Edited on February 13, 2006 at 5:22 PM. Reason : (they have never been to the place i'm currently living at)]

2/13/2006 5:22:11 PM

haha

parents say the darndest things. i wouldn't be all that supprised if my parents were all of a sudden like "you seem depressed latley". But i would probably stop listening after that point. just like i stoped reading your stuff after the 3rd paragraph

2/13/2006 5:23:46 PM

They're most likely overreacting but at the same time at least they're trying to help. I mean, being depressed has to start somewhere in the same sense that an alcoholic or drug addict starts somewhere. I would suggest doing what they ask and either you'll be right (and prove you aren't depressed) or wrong and be helped out before it gets as bad as some others in your family have apparently gotten.

2/13/2006 5:25:48 PM

I'll admit I didn't read most of that, but if you are still a student here, you can talk to psych services for free. Even if you aren't clinically depressed, it might help you sort through any shit you might need sorting.

2/13/2006 5:26:27 PM

Let them think it's depression and keep up your drug habit more covertly in the future.

++ Your parents have been spazzing on your behalf since they knew you were conceived. Humor them and let them know what the counselor thinks.

[Edited on February 13, 2006 at 5:29 PM. Reason : ++]

2/13/2006 5:27:31 PM

Two points I want to make:

If you typed all that w/ one arm, you have a strong will and/or show signs of diligence, that's for sure.

Second, I'd give it a shot. Your parents seem like cool and caring people, and I doubt they'd fly in if they didn't seriously mean it. And they've obviously been keeping their lips tight about it for years hoping it would go away.

The worst that could happen is that you stay the same. The best is that you feel better and discover some happiness you didn't know your life could have. Give it a try, but more than anything, keep a very open mind. This whole thing isn't about "who's right and who's wrong", it's about progression.

2/13/2006 5:28:09 PM

Reading that, it did sound a lot like you matured a lot.

Quote :

"Over the past month or two, I've had pretty bad insomnia and have lots a lot of weight (~20-25 pounds even though my diet hasn't really changed). I also used to love to run and swim, but haven't really felt like I had the energy to do that."

While I can see their concern, and those ARE symptoms of depression, it's possible to exhibit them and not be depressed. They probably realize this.
You know yourself better than anyone else.

Quote :

"They then told me that it's nothing to be ashamed of, and that whatever is "wrong" isn't my fault because my genes are plagued with depression from both sides of the family. Two of my great aunts were so "depressed" that they drank themselves to death, and that my grandfather tried to kill himself because he was so down. On top of that, the majority of my other relatives have had similar emotional problems, even my mother. She as well as many others are on antidepressants, and they're afraid that I'm starting to show the same signs of depression that they've seen before. Although I don't feel really any different than I ever did, they think that I just don't know that I *should* be feeling better than I am since I have maybe always been this way."

This gives me the impression that although the family, as a whole, has considerable exposure to mental health problems, they don't seem too educated about them.

If your parents are worried enough to come visit you about this, maybe you should visit a psychiatrist, explain what you've laid out in this thread to the pdoc, and get their opinion. It won't be a waste of time to lay your parents' doubts to rest, and to no longer wonder if it's possible to feel better.

As far as similar experiences...mine are only similar in that my parents were worried about me. I never had any say so in matters like these til i was 18, so I can only offer suggestions based on hindsight.

2/13/2006 5:30:00 PM

so go talk to a psychiatrist, but if they just want to medicate you find someone else

2/13/2006 5:30:34 PM

a number of things could cause the "symptoms" you've experienced/your parents noticed. A thyroid problem can cause weight loss and lack of energy. Allergies can be responsible for various things, such as looking/feeling tired (sometimes even if you don't experience other allergy symptoms, you get tired because your immune system is fighting).

Nothing wrong with not being a partier.

You know yourself better than anyone, and if you don't think you have depression, you probably don't. But depression can manifest itself differently in different people. Here's a site that explains how depression tends to affect men, which is slightly different from how it typically affects women. http://menanddepression.nimh.nih.gov/infopage.asp?id=16
Don't let some doctor push medicines you dont need on you, because that can create problems where there were none before.

2/13/2006 5:31:02 PM

id say first get physically healthy again. eat right, run more, etc. that can do wonders for the mind.

and id say if how you feel is ok or not is really on you.. your parents can try to help, but they dont know you like you do

2/13/2006 5:31:06 PM

Quote :

"You know yourself better than anyone, and if you don't think you have depression, you probably don't."

thats horrible advice

2/13/2006 5:32:34 PM

Quote :

"so go talk to a psychiatrist, but if they just want to medicate you find someone else"

the drugs work. sometimes there's no reason to pin a psychological problem on a physiological one

2/13/2006 5:34:35 PM

Have you sort of always had an underlying mild depression that didn't really get in the way of life but always lingers. There is a mild chronic form of depression called dysthmia. It has a lot of the same symptoms, but they are mild. But they last pretty much every day for at least 2 years (usually much longer). People with dysthmia aren't going to stay home all day like major depression. They can often do pretty well in school or jobs, but that's pretty much all they do. They can still have short episodes of major depression on top of it (called double depression).

There's no such thing as a "depressive personality" like some people may think. It's a chemical imbalance, not something people just need to get over. I don't know what would be the normal things for guys. For me, I was overly emotional (way emotional); I would get upset over every little thing. I always had self esteem issues when I was young. It runs in my family (I'm going to end up like my grandmother with depression and probably later dementia. It's not looking good...)

Try looking up dysthmia and dysthmic disorder. You know if you have the symptoms or not. Don't let people try to convince you either way.

I'll try to write more later. I need to go because I'm running late!

2/13/2006 5:35:10 PM

see a shrink just in case.


get into yoga. seriously.

2/13/2006 5:37:09 PM

Quote :

"thats horrible advice"

so just trust doctors? doctors are misdiagnosing people ALL THE TIME, and diagnosing people with things they don't have, missing things they DO have. Especially in psychiatry. So it's important to do some research, find out what your symptoms COULD mean, and go from there.

2/13/2006 5:37:16 PM

Quote :

"You know yourself better than anyone, and if you don't think you have depression, you probably don't."

that IS terrible advice...especially when talking about depression.
just b/c doctors fuck up often doesn't mean that they aren't qualified to practice and make decisions. A lot of times, both in psychiatry and general medicine, a patient doesnt relate a symptom that factors into making a diagnosis, just b/c they don't think it's important, or they forgot.

With depression, it's very easy to get so deep into it that you don't even realize the things that are happening are symptoms. That's why a professional's opinion (read: objective outsider) can be so helpful.

I know the symptoms of depression, I know I'm very susceptible to repeat episodes, and even I get blind-sided by it sometimes. Most layfolk don't have such a deep acquaintance with psychiatry as I do, and when it comes to mental illness, knowledge is the best possible weapon. Forgive me for sounding cocky, but I do know a fiar bit more than most folks our age. You learn a lot from being hospitalized, in therapy for 9 years, and being really fucking nosy. No, I don't care if the whole world knows about all this.

Quote :

"so just trust doctors? "

Nobody has advocated for joenumbers to take what the doctor says at face value.

2/13/2006 5:45:58 PM

Quote :

"so just trust doctors? doctors are misdiagnosing people ALL THE TIME, and diagnosing people with things they don't have, missing things they DO have. Especially in psychiatry. So it's important to do some research, find out what your symptoms COULD mean, and go from there."

no... trust the people that are coming to you to express their concern
thinking you are ok doesnt mean you're not depressed. some people will say they are fine every day till they put a bullet through their head.

Quote :

"the drugs work. "

not always, and sometimes the side effects are worse than the disease

2/13/2006 5:50:27 PM

the fact that your parents of all people question your mental health and you stated your self you feel close to them means, as was said before.... keep an open mind and just go talk to a doctor. if you are afraid of medication get a second opinion, but i think most importantly is to be open to the possibility that you may not see it. It would take a lot in my expierence to have my parents sit me down and drop something serious like that unless they trully felt a shift in your perosnallity. my two cents

2/13/2006 6:06:04 PM

Quote :

"Over the past month or two, I've had pretty bad insomnia and have lots a lot of weight (~20-25 pounds even though my diet hasn't really changed). I also used to love to run and swim, but haven't really felt like I had the energy to do that."

All of those pretty much go hand in hand with each other, though not necessarily depression.

Basically, whatever you do, don't start jumping to conclusions like "well, I can't sleep well so I'm obviously depressed."

2/13/2006 6:06:32 PM

Quote :

"especially since they've been busy out in San Francisco"

don't trust a word they say

2/13/2006 6:06:33 PM

SEE A FUCKING PSYCHIATRIST

ITS NOT COPMLEX

2/13/2006 6:08:32 PM

dude hit me up, u can come hang out with us, aint no thing

2/13/2006 6:13:25 PM

I'll cheer you up, what's your #?



Sure, it could be depression... or it could just be working hard at school. Energy isn't something that everyone has all the time. If you haven't been active in a long time, it's hard to get back to being active, and hard to feel energetic like someone who works out every day.

Quote :

"saying that they lost their only son years ago, and that they want to help bring him back "

Considering what you've been through, it's no surprise if you've changed. If you go to a Dr. and they don't really consider you depressed or diagnose you with something, then maybe you are who you are, and your parents just need to accept that you're a different person than you were. If they can't accept that, tell them they should adopt some chinese kid

another thing I forgot to mention.... you are going to state. I don't think there's anyone who goes to that school who doesn't get depressed

[Edited on February 13, 2006 at 6:19 PM. Reason : xzc]

2/13/2006 6:17:46 PM

it seems to me like your life is more depressing from an outsider's standpoint than from your own

and your parents are probably going through some mid-life crisis and are just worried about you

it seems to me like it'll be only temporary

I got put on depression drugs once, but they didn't seem to help - not to mention the fact that I don't feel like I'm depressed anyway

k I'll shut up now

2/13/2006 6:30:48 PM

i don't know much about depression

but i have been through several of the symptoms you are talking about due to high stress loads
(ie. tiredness, insomnia, not feeling like doing the things you normally like to do, wanting to be alone, etc.) i feel like my social life is lacking bc i put so much emphasis on school, and therefore i get stressed out a lot. a lot of the time when i am really stressed out i feel it physically instead of feeling it mentally.

either way i still think seeing a doctor wouldn't hurt like most people in this thread have stated.

good luck!

2/13/2006 6:35:04 PM

its seems odd that almost without exception everyone who has posted seems to think that a psych. cant do anygood. Have some faith, granted everyone fucks up, but if your parents dont get a feel for you after a while, who else will......

2/13/2006 6:36:45 PM

do whatever they want and then ask for money

that is what i would do

2/13/2006 6:45:52 PM

if the depression drugs dont help, sell them and and smile at the money you'll make

2/13/2006 6:46:56 PM

if my parents ever drop a

"we lost the only son we have"

line on me

they are going to get a big

peace out

2/13/2006 6:49:25 PM

Your parents could very well just be overreacting. Depression is generally one of those things that you're aware of, even if you don't assign a title to it. I felt horrible for years, with more downs than ups in my life, but I insisted that I wasn't depressed. Not because I felt fine (I definitely didn't, and referred myself to a counselor), but because I just didn't think that I was that person. My parents would freak out if they knew I went to a counselor, let alone that I was actually depressed. I didn't want to give that title to myself.

The thing about it too is that you can show the symptoms of something without actually having it, and vice versa. I didn't gain or lose a lot of weight, I didn't lose interest in activities (I didn't have time for activities, let alone the ability to lose interest in them), I didn't cut myself off from family and friends. But I wasn't trying to make any friends, either.

If your family has a history of depression, it's possible they're just overanalyzing your symptoms (or lack thereof) in order to try to prevent anything bad from happening.

Quote :

"so go talk to a psychiatrist, but if they just want to medicate you find someone else"

I agree with that.

2/13/2006 6:57:04 PM

parents are really good at fucking this one up. But usually its the crazy ass mom that starts projecting her unhappiness onto her children, not the father.
The biggest sign i know of to look for is unexplained moodswings or constantly shifting opinions of things that are a part of your everyday life.
But watch that the parents dont go giving you something unnecessary to get concerned about.
Whatever you do make sure that you tell your shrink, if you go to one, that you were pressured into this.

2/13/2006 6:58:11 PM

Quote :

"Depression is generally one of those things that you're aware of"

completely wrong
many people with depression often don't realize how they feel isnt normal

2/13/2006 7:01:51 PM

Typing isn't really a big deal, I've adapted. My only problem is this huge hole I burned into my finger last week with a soldering iron

I'm not really the one to say what's going on other than the fact that they must have noticed something if they'd fly all the way across the country for less than a day to tell me they're very concerned about me. I mean, they could have told me on the phone, but for some reason felt it needed to be done in person. Maybe they like pissing money away?

Basically when they left they just told me to think about things, and that they would fly back in about 2 weeks to see if they can offer me any help. It would probably be a wise thing for me to accept their help and go see someone if they think it's necessary. In the mean time, I'll have 2 weeks to do my own research and learn more about things that I could discuss with whomever I'm supposed to see.

I'm not totally against medication, although I don't like the idea of doctors just prescribing drugs because they can. But looking at my family's history, maybe I'm just in denial about the whole thing and think nothing is wrong. But if they can look in and have noticed negative change over the past few years then maybe they're right in thinking something is up. They've been on this earth nearly 3x as long as I have, and it's probably a good idea for me to trust their judgement and wisdom. They've been right far more times than they've been wrong.

And about the "we lost our son" line, I can understand where they're coming from. They already lost their daughter 8 years ago, and they want to do everything in their power to help me live as good a life as I can, even if their observations are incorrect. And who knows, maybe their is something wrong, and I'm just not seeing it from my perspective...

Thanks to all for their opinions.

2/13/2006 7:05:21 PM

hmmm reading that made me depressed. if u respect ur parents that much just do what they ask, they're only looking out for u.

2/13/2006 7:09:09 PM

Jesus, joe you've just been pamperd wholly, too, much, you're not depressed, you're repressed.

You don't talk back to your parents; that's a good quality. But, not when you're an adult. Suck it up bitch and tally forth. No need to make a tradeoff and devote yourself to something that doesn't exist outside of yourmind.

[Edited on February 13, 2006 at 7:13 PM. Reason : edit]

2/13/2006 7:10:59 PM

I have been told in the past that my lifestyle is unhealthy.

2/13/2006 7:52:47 PM

I say humor them and see the psychiatrist. Or maybe just a psychologist (who can't prescribe drugs) who can really determine if you are clinically depressed. My vote is to see someone off campus.

Your parents have been through one heartbreak with your sister- maybe they just are afraid of that kind of pain again.

2/13/2006 8:20:08 PM

Quote :

"I often find myself more focused on my work and most of the time prefer to be by myself than with others."

Well, that's not depression.

Seems like your parents have formed the idea that you're depressed and is looking for anything and everything to confirm it. That "lost their only son years ago" line was a cheap shot and bullshit. This is about you, not them.

Quote :

"many people with depression often don't realize how they feel isnt normal"

I can see that, but I'd imagine most people know whether their feelings are happy or constantly sad.

2/13/2006 8:42:42 PM

I mean shit if they are gonna pay for it go for it.

2/13/2006 8:46:14 PM

May as well go. At least your parents are supportive.

My mother screamed and yelled at me for an hour when I wanted to go see a counsellor.

Btw, I dont recommend student health for depression.

2/13/2006 8:48:44 PM

I was diagnosed with major recurrent depression and generalized anxiety disorder around 4 years ago. Since then, I've done a great deal of reading about depression.

Depression does not always mean having a major break down where you mope, cry, and have suicidal thoughts. Many of the things that you are describing: insomnia, weight loss, a loss of interest in the things that you use to enjoy are indeed simptoms of depression. You have also had several life changing events that were quite traumatic.

I don't think that seen a psychiatrist or a therapist is something that is only for someone who is 'depressed.' Even if you are not clinically depressed, it would not hurt to see a doctor. It would make your parents feel better and could be very helpful. A therapist listens to you talk out your life, can help you set goals, and make healthy changes as you see fit. And a psychiatrist can prescribe something to help you sleep on those nights when sleep is an issue.

I would go because I do not see how it could be harmful. If you don't like what the doctor says, you do not have to listen. Or you may find that it has the potential to be quite helpful, depressed or not.

PS. Not all doctors are wonderful or helpful, but I was lucky enough to find one (one the second try) that prescribed medication and found me a therapist that helped me change my life.

[Edited on February 13, 2006 at 9:03 PM. Reason : PS.]

2/13/2006 9:00:41 PM

Some of the best advice:

Quote :

"They're most likely overreacting but at the same time at least they're trying to help. I mean, being depressed has to start somewhere in the same sense that an alcoholic or drug addict starts somewhere. I would suggest doing what they ask and either you'll be right (and prove you aren't depressed) or wrong and be helped out before it gets as bad as some others in your family have apparently gotten."

Since you are the only child left and they lost a child at a younger age, I am sure they are just worried about you.
If they haven't had a lot of "time" for you, they may feel guilty. They don't want something bad to happen to you and they are just looking out for you.
The only thing in your statement that bothers me is the amount of weight you've lost. if you've stopped exercising and are still eating the same then there is little reason (other than muscle weighs more than fat) that you should lose weight.
If you don't want to see a shrink, then see a general family doctor and discuss your issues and weight loss.
Good luck to you

2/13/2006 9:46:11 PM

Go to the shrink.

Think of it as preventative maintenance.

It will make your parents feel better.

2/13/2006 10:01:25 PM

go to the Health center and arrange to see a counselor. They are all referrals to GOOD off campus people. I know a lot of people who have gone through counseling through the health center and they are all very glad they went.

2/13/2006 10:13:21 PM

No such thing as a sad pirate! (back from my days of using mspaint to photoshop from 2004).

But more seriously I say go for atleast a trip to a campus counselor and see what they suggest. I've had the 'rents pull the are you depressed line before but I said I wasn't and that was that. Then again I've not really experienced much unexpected loss. (as opposed to expected loss like pets, grandparents, great aunts & uncles ect)

2/13/2006 11:07:16 PM

its still one of my favorite "photoshops"

More than likely I'll do as they request, not only to please them, but maybe for the remote chance that there is something that I'm not seeing. I doubt it, but who knows?

The weight loss and insomnia haven't been good for me (when is it ever?), but I would have expected it to be something else going on, and it's strange that my folks' intervention happened right around the same time this has been going on.

2/13/2006 11:16:05 PM

Hey man, good luck with it, I hope things turn out alright and you keep kickin ass

2/13/2006 11:22:56 PM

even if you aren't depressed, you've said yourself you aren't really happy. having someone you can talk to without reservation is ALWAYS a good thing.

2/13/2006 11:44:45 PM

I didnt read the entire thread, but I did read the original post. I would suggest going to a doctor before you go to a psychiatrist. Trust me on this...I was diagnosed with depression last year and if I hadn't went through my doctor, I probably would have ended up going through a lot more than I did to get treated. First, the doctor rules out any physical problems you may have (thyroid, allergies, etc). Then, a lot of doctors have a list of psychiatrists on hand that they can give you. That way, you have a recommended list and you can call each one up and talk to them to see which ones you like/dislike. You can also ask your doctor to call the psychiatrist you choose to explain your case.

2/13/2006 11:54:04 PM