Okay, I'll try and make this as short as possible, but I have a feeling it's still gonna be long so sorry in advance:

Basically, I have a cousin who has issues. When she was in 4th grade, her parents got a packet from school saying she needed to have a mental evaluation at the hospital to test for possible mental retardation. Well, they HAD to take her to the first appointment because the school required it, but they never took her back. They were advised that she needed immediate counseling and they took her to maybe 3 appointments and then quit taking her. As she has grown older (she's 19 now), things just get worse. She has no friends...literally. She stays up in her room at night until 3 or 4am doing nothing. She is scared to leave her mom and dad. She has never spent the night away from them. They fuel the fire by spoiling her terribly and telling her that all she has to do all of her life is sit at home and do nothing...they buy her EVERYTHING. They bought her a brand new car and pay for the insurance and everything, but are scared to let her drive it alone. She is very obese because they have never made her work or do anything around the house...she literally sits there and stuffs her face all day doing nothing. Well, recently, they took her for a physical at the doctor and the doctor informed them that she needed an immediate diet plan (which I doubt they will follow through on) and she needs to go seek counseling because something isn't right in her head. I think she may be autistic or something because she will sit in the floor sometimes when no one is looking and rock and shake her hands and open her mouth and go into some sort of fit. She also is extremely time-specific about things. Her mom found her diary and every page is crammed with dates and times (often to the second) of normal daily activities.

Okay, after saying all that...her parents are really pissing me off. They wont send her in for help because they are scared of what they will find. They know something is wrong, but they have been in denial all of her life. Has anyone had an experience like this where they could tell me how to go about helping them? I mean she needs help. Is there something I could say to her parents to let them know it's gonna be okay? Any advice would be appreciated.

5/27/2006 2:19:19 PM

she is going to be the same person if they choose to help her or not, but they should give her a chance to become a better adjusted member of society, because they aren't going to be around and able to take care of her forever .

5/27/2006 2:22:09 PM

Since they've been denying this for 19 years, it's going to be extremely difficult to convince them to seek treatment.

It's possible that it may reach the point where a doctor deems her unfit to make medical decisions and removes guardianship from the family...

5/27/2006 2:25:00 PM

threads like these make me feel bad when i complain about something so trivial

5/27/2006 2:29:14 PM

Incidentally, what do you mean by "some sort of fit"?

5/27/2006 2:29:49 PM

I don't know what kind of fit it is...she like shakes her hands and rocks and opens her mouth wide and shakes all over...she usually does it when she's in a stressful or exciting situation (like she did it at her birthday party and at my father's funeral.

5/27/2006 2:31:36 PM

She really needs to be evaluated, especially since she may be having seizures.

5/27/2006 2:32:14 PM

sounds kind of bad all around

5/27/2006 2:44:32 PM

when she has those fits, is she in control of herself at all?

5/27/2006 2:59:38 PM

sounds like a mild case of autism. i would suggest you get a doc to get her away from her parents for a while and treat her at a highly intesive facility so that she could catch up slightly.

5/27/2006 3:06:53 PM

Quote :

"threads like these make me feel bad when i complain about something so trivial"

5/27/2006 3:09:52 PM

Autism. Definitely austism. Yeah.

5/27/2006 3:30:07 PM

There is this really good book "No Way Out" that was written by a lady that had a mild case of autism and after she uderwent treatment and lots and lots of therapy, she was able to be "normal" and actually recognize her differences. She is now a motivational speaker and is really involved with Autism Society. I'll try to get you the name of the lady. I cannot remember right off the top of my head.
But yeah.... she really should be seen. Like others have said, they may be small seizures. Maybe if you spent some time with her and really show and interest, her parents may be more receptive to suggestions. Good Luck!

5/27/2006 3:47:07 PM

I work with autistic adults in Chapel Hill. From your description, though very limited, it sounds like it could perhaps be autism, but there are a variety of social disorders that she might have. My recommendation would be to call up a social worker and explain the situation. It may be a case where the state needs to intervene.

5/27/2006 3:48:24 PM

I have a similiar story to yours that may help.

My godparents had a daughter (we'll call her Sheri) who they adopted when she was 4 months old. From the get-go, something was off with Sheri. She had severe emotional outbursts, was evaluated and found to have mild retardation. She also had severe discipline problems. Rather than be strict with her and try to get her the help she needed, my godparents spoiled her rotten, giving her ice cream and movies each morning so they could sleep in and blaming teachers when Sheri would refuse to do homework. Needless to say, Sheri got pregnant at age 20 and was negligent with the baby. She lost parental rights before they even left the hospital and now my godmother is raising her grandson.

Her grandson is essentially going down his mothers path also. My mother and godmother have had some pretty harsh fights about Sheri. My godmother would complain about how terrible Sheri was and when my mom tried giving suggestions (like "give discipline"), my godmother would get furious.

Now she and my mom no longer are on speaking terms. So in all honesty, I'd state your opinion once and then leave it. As horrible as it is to watch, there's really nothing you can do.

And I used to work at the Autism Society of NC, and your cousins behavior sounds very much like autism. Give them a call...they can be extremely helpful.

5/27/2006 6:16:28 PM

Quote :

"She really needs to be evaluated, especially since she may be having seizures."

yeah but something tells me they are really gonna go for that, the whole lets see if we can make this kid have a seizure ordeal.

5/27/2006 8:25:20 PM

Quote :

"when she has those fits, is she in control of herself at all?"

I think she is control of herself, although to be honest, I've never really asked her because I thought it might embarass her. She usually goes over to a corner of the room where she thinks no one sees her before she starts doing it. Actually I remember when it first started she was like 3 or 4. She would get up at midnight (she couldn't tell time, but it was always at midnight) and run through the house flailing her arms with her mouth open wide screaming. Since she's grown older, the episodes (I feel bad for calling them fits) have become more private and quiet...I think that's because she is embarassed by them and her parents used to fuss at her and tell her to stop when she did them in public.

5/28/2006 12:08:12 PM

yea get her a doctor, its just messed up her parents do that even if they are in denial about it, she needs help because with medicine as it is now she has no reason to live that way if at all possible

5/28/2006 12:50:45 PM

IF you truly care.. then step up... and take responsibility. in that if truly matters to you i would step in and maybe even start to help in taking care of her. slowly you might be able to get her adjusted.

I tend to think if you can make her a more social creature alot of these oddities will go away. for the simple fact that when you have to interact with others you change to better suit that activity.

If it only matters to you somewhat say something then back off.... it all depends on how much your willing to help a family member and what it means to you.

5/29/2006 2:12:54 PM

Quote :

"sounds kind of bad all around"

5/29/2006 3:19:02 PM

Oh, I am totally willing to help as much as they would like me to. However, it's the fact that other family members have kind of mentioned in a really nice way that she may need to get some help and it pissed her parents off because they don't want anyone to think that their only child is "retarded" or that something isn't right with her. They want to be the classic American family. It seems that sometimes they put that dream before reality and get mad if you try and tell them otherwise. That's why I was asking advice about how to maybe get around her parents somehow and get the girl some help.

5/29/2006 3:26:59 PM

my best friend in middle school had an eating disorder. she was about 80lbs. her parents denied it up and down bc they wanted the "perfect" family image. finally her grandparents stepped in and told her parents what was up. she received help & has since recovered

maybe if the grandparents are still around/involved and they think she needs help can offer some assistance?

5/29/2006 3:37:12 PM

i feel guilty for wishing this was in chit chat...so i'll air some about my family

we're a bunch of emotional cripples. we feel like we need everybody on board to make a decision, feel the need to be together all the time, and we end up casting too much doubt on each others' aspirations and abilities.

5/29/2006 3:46:24 PM

^^All the grandparents are dead except for my aunt (her mom's mom). She's said stuff before, but she's not very assertive...I've thought about talking to her about it, but I don't really know how to go about it without seeming like I'm talking about them behind their backs.

5/29/2006 3:49:02 PM

If I were you, and had the time and resources to do it, I would petition the court for guardianship over your cousin. Or have someone else who has the time and resources do it. Just go to the county probate court (at least in Georgia it's Probate), and ask for the forms for an adult guardianship.

[Edited on May 29, 2006 at 3:55 PM. Reason : add]

5/29/2006 3:51:33 PM

call up dr. phil.

5/29/2006 4:41:27 PM

Contacting social services is essential, and should be your first step.

5/29/2006 10:58:42 PM