17 ways Women Fail in Bed
1. MILKING IT:
When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.
2. ROBOTS:
When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the
thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.
3. SILENT FRIGHT:
If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.
4. NO LAUGHING MATTER:
Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock-sucking slut" or "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion." Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.
5. CLOSING UP:
If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.
6. POOR PRESENTATION:
Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love
it.
7. HANGING AROUND:
When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises with out thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done.
8. BEING SHY:
Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love it. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.
9. BEING A DRIP:
You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his
sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.
10. CLOCK-WATCHING:
Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying "Are you going to come soon." If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you
should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's hagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually and gifted human beings.
11. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS:
Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.
>2. PLAYING DEAD:
Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't find that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
13. BEING POSSESSIVE:
If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON:
Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.
15. SPITTING IT OUT:
When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savoring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.
16.INGRATITUDE:
Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if: a)sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or: b)you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.
17.SEEKING FAVOURS:
Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask "Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?" There is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain -prostitution.

7/18/2006 12:24:44 PM

Sounds like a pompous asshole wrote that.

7/18/2006 12:29:11 PM

for some reason

I concur with all these points

7/18/2006 12:30:14 PM

kiwi - don't be mad b/c your man thinks those things and you do just about none and he's angry about it

7/18/2006 12:30:50 PM

my asshole is pompous

7/18/2006 12:30:54 PM

Quote :

"I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion."

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

7/18/2006 12:31:14 PM

Quote :

"for some reason I concur with all these points "

7/18/2006 12:36:21 PM

Not every guy feels the need to be a slutty disrespecting asshole.

7/18/2006 12:37:22 PM

men

grunt grunt grunt grunt

women

tee hee hee hee

7/18/2006 12:39:58 PM

14 makes me mad.... apparently i like poultry

7/18/2006 12:41:12 PM

women say the same type shit about dudes. don't front.

7/18/2006 12:41:45 PM

most think of these things, whether they'll admit it or not

7/18/2006 12:41:46 PM

I don't like the woman bitchy shit either. We should all get over ourselves and be happy for a change.

7/18/2006 12:44:43 PM

so you'd prefer that people who aren't happy simply remain quiet for the sake of not hurting another's feelings, and come off as a "pompous asshole"?

no wonder the divorce rate is so high in this country, and we're one of the most violent nations in the world.

7/18/2006 12:47:27 PM

but that's conflicting. Getting over yourself is resigning yourself to having a shitty time in bed.

being happy is being able to communicate that. Of course you aren't going to talk to your partner face to face like that. But I'll be damned if I don't talk like that to my girls. Someone ought to get a laff out of it.

7/18/2006 12:49:22 PM

yep.

7/18/2006 12:50:59 PM

[Edited on July 18, 2006 at 1:18 PM. Reason : lkajdsnhf;kjsdnfg]

7/18/2006 1:17:27 PM

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ grow up

[Edited on July 18, 2006 at 1:21 PM. Reason : afsvb;kjag]

7/18/2006 1:17:58 PM

7/18/2006 1:22:23 PM

Quote :

"men grunt grunt grunt grunt women tee hee hee hee"

That's actually funny.

Quote :

"14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging. "

And I am totally doing that one wrong....

7/18/2006 1:34:16 PM

^^that's teh first time i have seen that today..............no really

[Edited on July 18, 2006 at 1:36 PM. Reason : ^^]

7/18/2006 1:36:06 PM

pimpmaster is posting lies...i know from experience that he actually prefers girls shaven so #14 is a complete lie....

7/18/2006 1:51:17 PM

i'm amazed someone claims to hang out with him - is he as stupid as the shit he sometimes posts?

7/18/2006 1:52:28 PM

^^shut up bitch and get back into the kitchen and make me a sammich

[Edited on July 18, 2006 at 1:53 PM. Reason : ,]

7/18/2006 1:53:16 PM

umm yeah hes even dumber in person and i dont know why he is putting up how women fail in bed..he might ought to be looking at himself

[Edited on July 18, 2006 at 1:58 PM. Reason : .]

7/18/2006 1:55:16 PM

i didnt hear you saying anything but "oh god oh god!!!!" last time you were in raleigh molly so i dont know what you are talking about

7/18/2006 2:02:41 PM

hahhah

7/18/2006 2:06:01 PM

please pimpmaster more like oh god please get me out of here b/c i have never experienced anything so awful in my life

7/18/2006 2:06:03 PM

Hahahha

you fucked a dude with the screen name "pimpmaster69"

7/18/2006 2:07:01 PM

this thread took a turn for the hilarious

7/18/2006 2:07:55 PM

and did i mention he cuddles AND he likes it..so that would be a violation of #7

7/18/2006 2:10:37 PM

no matter what this molly character says...pimpmaster won

I mean

she was the one crying "OH GOD OH GOD" while he was pummelling into that ass.

7/18/2006 2:10:44 PM

Quote :

"she was the one crying "OH GOD OH GOD" while he was pummelling into that ass."

ahaahhahhah

yeah you can't really talk shit about a dude after he makes you squeal like a pig

7/18/2006 2:12:10 PM

thanks guys i apprciate yall backing me up, and i only cuddled so you would fuck me again later that day gosh why are sluts so stupid?

(cant belive i would ever thank gargs for backing me up )

7/18/2006 2:13:53 PM

this thread makes me laff

7/18/2006 2:14:55 PM

I'd cuddle with a girl's sick dog and enjoy it if that meant getting to ride her ass all night long.

7/18/2006 2:15:58 PM

please he did not ride my ass all night long..he couldnt last more than just a little bit....and speaking of little he's also lacking in other areas

7/18/2006 2:18:45 PM

Gargs you're so silly.

Hey Bill. :O

7/18/2006 2:19:39 PM

see

Don't get me wrong...I am gonna PM you asap to try to do lunch with you, but the point is even if he lacked in something, you exposed your eagle wings to him more than once...and he made you fly and scream.

That's winning.

You lose because you are making fun of him after the fact that he made you store his man juice inside your body.

7/18/2006 2:20:23 PM

oh really i dont recall you complaining as i

Quote :

"was pummelling into that ass."

as gargs so nicely put it. If i remember i fucked you many many times the last time you where up here. if its so bad why did you keep comming back for more?

[Edited on July 18, 2006 at 2:24 PM. Reason : ,]

7/18/2006 2:20:48 PM

Quote :

" From : esgargs To : mollymac86 Received : Tuesday July 18, 2006 at 2:20 PM Subject : y0 I think you're cute."

7/18/2006 2:24:17 PM

^^clearly you couldn't satisfy her the first time

or the second time

or the third time...



[Edited on July 18, 2006 at 2:25 PM. Reason : i'm just saying...a satisfied girl stays satisfied for a while...]

7/18/2006 2:24:24 PM

shut up pimpmaster u couldnt get it up 5 times and no thats not my fault....and anyways its not like anyone could really tell if u got it up or not, i dont carry a microscrope around with me

7/18/2006 2:24:52 PM

hey molly

do you like Indians?

7/18/2006 2:25:23 PM

well if i couldnt please you then why were moaning like a catholic schoolgirl... and later that dayt begging for more(basically tried to rape me at one point too) that doesnt sound like someone who was unhappy with her previous expireinces to me

7/18/2006 2:28:55 PM

I am halfway convinced that "Molly" is a male dude's demented alias.

7/18/2006 2:29:47 PM

Quote :

"well if i couldnt please you then why were moaning like a catholic schoolgirl"

ahahhahah

7/18/2006 2:31:05 PM

wow, I thought we were in college...

7/18/2006 2:31:07 PM

lollerskates

this is turning into a good thread

7/18/2006 2:35:05 PM

im sorry pimpmaster that you interpreted my sighs of complete and total boredom as moaning

[Edited on July 18, 2006 at 2:39 PM. Reason : .]

7/18/2006 2:37:06 PM