since pretty much everyone on here is an expert on relationships, go ahead and tell me what you think...

do you think there is a time, somewhere along the line of a relationship, where the person needs to either cut off completely or strictly limit their one-on-one contact with their friends of the opposite sex?

i've got a friend (girl) who just got married a couple months ago. she still calls me every now and then and tells me pretty personal stuff and said she wants to come visit me sometime after her husband goes back to the base. i was just thinking that if i were her husband, i would be pretty weirded out by that, especially since she at one point was really interested in me before she moved. and even if she wasn't, it's still sort of weird. i don't think anything good could possibly come out of it. i feel like she should be telling her husband all her personal stuff and not me, and visiting her girl friends instead of me. it just doesn't feel right. i've had a girlfriend for over 6 months now, and i don't have any desire to keep up with my other girl friends, and i especially wouldn't if i end up marrying her.

[Edited on September 13, 2006 at 10:11 AM. Reason : *]

9/13/2006 10:10:45 AM

do her husband a favor and move on.

9/13/2006 10:18:53 AM

Quote :

"do her husband a favor and move on."

9/13/2006 10:27:07 AM

you can chill with her since you are gay....

9/13/2006 10:27:19 AM

Quote :

"do you think there is a time, somewhere along the line of a relationship, where the person needs to either cut off completely or strictly limit their one-on-one contact with their friends of the opposite sex?"

I would say that generally speaking, the answer is yes that you should limit alot of one-on-one contact with married members of the opposite speak. That doesn't mean that you can't be friends anymore, but you need to make sure that she isn't getting her emotional needs met by you. This girl you are speaking of, it sounds like you need to cut contact completely for the sake of her marriage, though.

9/13/2006 10:28:13 AM

if it doesn't feel right, don't do it. It's that easy.

9/13/2006 10:28:15 AM

If you don’t want her to visit or talk to you any more then tell her that. And if you do want to stay friends, then tell her that. But I don’t see any reason to make this into “you can’t trust people around other people who have different genitals” situation. Trust is either in a relationship, or it isn’t… and if it isn’t then it doesn’t sound like a relationship worth having. In my book, having friends after marriage is okay, regardless of how many X chromosomes the friends have.

9/13/2006 10:30:04 AM

yeah, i think I would tell her I was a little nervous of the situation and would only want to hang out/talk when her husband is around, or at least other friends.

9/13/2006 10:30:21 AM

If all of you grow up, everything should be fine.

9/13/2006 10:46:13 AM

Quote :

"Trust is either in a relationship, or it isn’t… and if it isn’t then it doesn’t sound like a relationship worth having. In my book, having friends after marriage is okay, regardless of how many X chromosomes the friends have."

see, i don't buy that. a lot of people say that. "if you trust the person, you shouldn't care who they hang out with..." there are certain situations that should be avoided, no matter how much you trust someone. by the time one of you gets caught up in a possible cheating situation, it's already too late, it should've been avoided earlier so you wouldn't have ended up there. if neither person becomes very close and friendly with other people of the opposite sex in the first place, you would still be tempted to cheat, but it would be a lot less likely that you would actually cheat.

9/13/2006 10:47:03 AM

you can't......trust me

9/13/2006 10:48:39 AM

this is only a problem if all parties aren't mature

9/13/2006 10:51:10 AM

I haven't seen any bad advice in this thread yet, so I'll only add more of the same:

Meh, it shouldn't be a problem if you're not the only one satisfying her emotional needs. If you feel that you are, and it gets uncomfortable, back off. All I can really recommend is being mature about it.

9/13/2006 10:52:00 AM

^^^^You can roll your eyes all you want, but if the only thing stopping your girl from cheating is the fact that you keep her from knowing other people who don't have vaginas (unless she’s being supervised), then it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

9/13/2006 10:52:37 AM

^That's really the husband's problem, and it's much more complicated than it seems. prep-e's problem is much simpler. If he can avoid a moral dillemma by extracting himself from a potentially marriage-wrecking situation, my thoughts are that he should do so. This is not to say that he should completely cut all ties with this girl, but he should be wary of creating a situation that could lead to cheating.

9/13/2006 11:09:17 AM

The problem is that there are alot of girls and guys out there that aren't mature enough to be in a marriage.

If the girl was interested in him at one point and is still using him to satisfy emotional needs, that sends up a red flag. Maybe the marriage is not a healthy relationship. In this case, you should cut it off and let her fuck up her relationship with some other guy.

If you know she is in a very positive, trusting relationship, it's not that big of a deal.

9/13/2006 11:09:54 AM

^^^^ agreed. the fact that you are even asking the question is good, and it sounds like you already know the answer: it's all about the emotional attachment. so probably a good idea to back it down a couple notches if she can be mature about it, or cut all contact if the can't.

[Edited on September 13, 2006 at 11:10 AM. Reason : ^s]

9/13/2006 11:10:11 AM

i plan to stay friends with all of my current friends after i'm married next year - to think things should/will change is stupid

9/13/2006 11:12:11 AM

Being married, I really don't care if my wife hangs out with her old friends who are guys. She doesn't really get bothered that I hang out with some of my old friends who are of the female persuasion. In fact I do sometimes go to lunch with them, since I live a half hour away from work and can't exactly go eat lunch with me, and she has no problem with it.

Only time she gets mad/jealous is if I am out partying or something while she's at home taking care of the house and our son. That'll get her a LOT more pissed off than anything else. I think we would both get a touch of jealousy if one or the other talks to one of our more serious ex's as well. She's not really keen on me hanging out with any of my former g/fs that were serious, and I'm not too thrilled with the thought of her hanging out with her b/f of 2.5 years. So we have a touch of jealousy in each of us, but friends, fuck that whatever.

[Edited on September 13, 2006 at 11:14 AM. Reason : ]

9/13/2006 11:14:03 AM

Quote :

"after her husband goes back to the base"

This circumstance makes perfect sense, and your instincts are right.

They'll divorce eventually anyway because of the breakdown in communication, but he might get her pregnant in the meantime.

If you care about the sanctity of marriage, you won't sleep with her until they're divorced, but if you're completely immoral, then you'll have your way with her. Either one is an option for you at this point.

9/13/2006 11:15:10 AM

Quote :

"You can roll your eyes all you want, but if the only thing stopping your girl from cheating is the fact that you keep her from knowing other people who don't have vaginas (unless she’s being supervised), then it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship."

it's really not that hard to understand. you can fully trust someone, but at the same time not want them to put themselves in compromising situations where they are more likely to mess up.

if your girl was a recovering alcoholic, would you want to keep a huge stock of liquor in your kitchen cabinet when she's staying over at your house alone while your on a business trip for the weekend? even if you trust her to make the right decision, and you know she should be smart enough to do so, don't you think there are certain situations that should be avoided in order to make it easier to make the right decision?


[Edited on September 13, 2006 at 11:18 AM. Reason : /]

[Edited on September 13, 2006 at 11:19 AM. Reason : /]

9/13/2006 11:17:28 AM

I like your metaphor.

She's an addict fiending for your lovin'. I guess you're just that sexy to her. You wouldn't have this situation any other way, would you?

9/13/2006 11:18:50 AM

prep-e, that's an awful metaphor.

It's not like she's a dick fiend (right?)




like everyone else said, the lot of you sound like you need to grow up. If you can't trust your husband/wife with someone of the opposite sex, I've got news for you: YOUR MARRIAGE IS GOING TO FAIL.

9/13/2006 11:53:08 AM

Quote :

"Quote : "do her husband a favor and move on." "

AHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAAH

9/13/2006 11:58:22 AM

husband a favor perfect

9/13/2006 11:59:20 AM

one more thing:

if I were her husband, i WOULD be pissed off in this case. Not b/c she wants to hang w/you, but because she's doing that shit behind his back. That's incredibly immature + suspicious of her.

9/13/2006 12:00:32 PM

Quote :

"like everyone else said, the lot of you sound like you need to grow up. If you can't trust your husband/wife with someone of the opposite sex, I've got news for you: YOUR MARRIAGE IS GOING TO FAIL."

i'll just say this...(to those of you in long term relationships or married) you can hang out with the opposite sex all you like, call them just friends and tell them personal things, but i guarantee you that you will have MUCH more thoughts of cheating, and you will be MUCH more likely to actually cheat on your spouse if you keep up with a lot of friends of the opposite sex. you can tell me you are "mature" enough or you "trust each other" enough to handle it, but i guess only time will tell if your own relationship will stand up to the test.

9/13/2006 12:27:26 PM

you sound like the most bitter person ever

how many of your g/f's have fucked other guys?

all of them?

9/13/2006 12:32:50 PM

not a good idea.

it isnt an issue of the husband not trusting her, it is an issue of the wife not respecting him enough to stay out of questionable situations. they sound doomed, dont be the reason. "alienation of affection" and "criminal conversation" are still on the books in NC and you dont want to lose your assets and future over this...

9/13/2006 12:39:34 PM

she should be telling her husband all her personal stuff and not you

9/13/2006 12:48:17 PM

Quote :

"they sound doomed, dont be the reason."

This is basically what I was trying to get at. Some friends and situations are ok to keep up a good friendship. This particular one doesn't sound like it falls in that category.

9/13/2006 1:10:12 PM

Quote :

"it isnt an issue of the husband not trusting her, it is an issue of the wife not respecting him enough to stay out of questionable situations. they sound doomed, dont be the reason. "alienation of affection" and "criminal conversation" are still on the books in NC and you dont want to lose your assets and future over this..."

9/13/2006 1:22:54 PM

In a thread called
”Staying Friends With Someone After They're Married”

why ask this
”do you think there is a time... where the person needs to either cut off completely or strictly limit their one-on-one contact with their friends of the opposite sex?”

when you can already guarantee this
”i guarantee you that you will .... be MUCH more likely to actually cheat on your spouse”

9/13/2006 1:46:46 PM

prep-e, while I agree with some of the points you made:


do you really want to be hitched to someone who hasn't cheated on you ONLY because the opportunity hasn't presented itself??

9/13/2006 2:36:07 PM

^no, but i wouldn't want them to be continually tested. its hard to make the right decision EVERY time. why do you think so many people cheat on each other? it always starts off as something small and escalates along the line and eventually you've got a broken relationship.

Quote :

"you sound like the most bitter person ever how many of your g/f's have fucked other guys? all of them?"

none of them. im not bitter about it, i just think that's the way it should be. however, i have a very different view of love than most people. i do not equate sex with love.

9/13/2006 3:50:47 PM

wait a second, weren't you the tampon that made a thread complaining about how you shouldn't always have to pay for your girlfriend's meals?

so basically when it comes to financial matters you're liberated, but when it comes to gender implications on personal relationships, you're old school.

i'm upset now, and will probably throw up on the keyboard within seconds of typing this. i am not however surprised one bit. it has become fashionable for the modern intellectual midget to embrace the conservative ethos as a proxy for his inability to actualize the potential in his Y chromosome.



...wow that was harsh. must be cause i've been constipated all day.

9/13/2006 4:09:46 PM

This thread is ridiculous. Friendship shouldn't be limited by sex or marital status, period. It's silly to impose limitations on relationships with people that can be so rewarding. It's one thing to make an effort to avoid "questionable situations", as many of you have said, but this is not a questionable situation that you're describing, prep-e. Let me first be clear about that; the situation is not questionable, although her intentions may be--it's all about intentions. There's nothing questionable about someone visiting a friend, and there's nothing questionable about someone married still discussing pretty personal things with other friends.

Casual friendship can offer a different kind of emotional support than the friendship of a spouse, and in the unfortunate instance where someone may be having trouble with a spouse, limiting one's pool of good friends by eliminating an entire gender can create a dependency which makes it difficult to resolve the spousal issue. And if you have no one of the opposite sex besides your spouse who you are a close friend to, who would you be comfortable enough asking if something about your spouse is "just a guy/girl thing"? Or say that before marriage, some girl naturally gets along better with guys than she does with girls, because of her personality; after getting married, is she supposed to automatically change who she is and start only collecting girlfriends? There are plenty of reasons why people should maintain close friendships with both sexes even after marriage.

I'm married and have been for a couple of years. My wife and I lived about three hours apart for about 9 months when we were at different grad schools, and during that time I had girl friends who stayed overnight at my place and she shared hotel rooms with male friends many times (she does competitive ballroom dancing and would share room costs at competitions). We were open about communicating when things like that were going on, and we both were thankful for the other having good friends of both sexes to keep each other company while we were apart. It's quite possible to have friends (even physically and inwardly attractive ones!) while married and not be tempted to cheat with them; if you can't understand that being the case with whoever you may be involved with, then it may be a sign that you aren't ready to marry that person. The usual advice of it being a matter of trust and maturity might be trite, but there's a pretty big grain of truth in it.

So in the case of your friend... sure, it might be that she's scheming behind her husband's back to reach back out to someone she used to have the hots for. That's possible. But it's also perfectly reasonable to think that she might be planning the visit for while he's gone for other reasons. If he's going to be away at his base anyway regardless of her plans, then that seems like a better time to visit a friend than a time where the visit would mean being away from her husband when otherwise they'd be together. Lots of good can come from it, just like any visit with a friend! Just grow up and ignore the fact that you have a penis and she has a vagina, and just be her friend like two people who enjoy each other's company should.

[Edited on September 13, 2006 at 5:12 PM. Reason : ]

9/13/2006 5:10:32 PM

Quote :

"I had girl friends who stayed overnight at my place and she shared hotel rooms with male friends many times (she does competitive ballroom dancing and would share room costs at competitions)"

I actually dug through post and found that little gem.
No way in hell would I be ok with that in a marriage!
I'd fork over double the money just to keep creepy ass guys out of my wife's hotel room! And that way if the guy still stayed over, I'd know something was up for sure.

Man, I am sorry, but I think a married woman is much more apt to sleep with a guy she's sharing a hotel room with than if the circumstances were reversed.It's because the arrangement is seemingly innocent enough to still be seedy yet so scandalous that a married man would have to guard himself in the same situation.

Quote :

"ignore the fact that you have a penis and she has a vagina until you're already in it"

[Edited on September 13, 2006 at 5:23 PM. Reason : ]

9/13/2006 5:20:16 PM

I knew the guys in her case, and she knew the girls in my case, and we were both ok with it. Maybe we're more open than most and our example is outside of what's typical for most people, but my overall point remains the same.

9/13/2006 5:24:54 PM

Either way this entire thread is a reminder to continue staying single, or at least, don't marry retards.


prep-e - is your friend 19 and uneducated? or is she 24 and extremely sheltered?

Either way she shouldn't have married up like that if she's as stifled as your story seems to portray her.

[Edited on September 13, 2006 at 5:28 PM. Reason : ]

9/13/2006 5:27:11 PM

Quote :

"it has become fashionable for the modern intellectual midget to embrace the conservative ethos as a proxy for his inability to actualize the potential in his Y chromosome."

damn sru, thats a gem!

9/13/2006 6:17:22 PM

....so conservatives are bitches....or...have some type of sex-linked down syndrome

one or the other

[Edited on September 13, 2006 at 6:24 PM. Reason : ]

9/13/2006 6:19:21 PM

Quote :

"see, i don't buy that. a lot of people say that. "if you trust the person, you shouldn't care who they hang out with..." there are certain situations that should be avoided, no matter how much you trust someone. by the time one of you gets caught up in a possible cheating situation, it's already too late, it should've been avoided earlier so you wouldn't have ended up there. "

I agree with this but I don't think one person in the relationship should limit the other person's actions. Only you can control your actions and how you react to other's actions. If it is truly a healthy relationship and the other person loves and cares for your feelings, they wouldn't want to be in a risky situation in the first place.

9/13/2006 6:22:36 PM

Even though my husband and I are only recently married, we've been together for over four years. Throughout our relationship, we have both maintained relationships with the opposite sex, some of them even being people that we dated in the past. Jealousy was an issue very early in the relationship before we were certain of one another, but the longer that we have been together, really the less of a problem it is. I am much more comfortable with him having female friends now that we are married than I was prior to marriage.

I have known Shadowrunner for about six years now. I know that he and his wife are both completely trust-worthy people. I would have to say that my husband and I completely agree with him.

And quite frankly being a person that has cheated on someone and been cheated on, I do not believe that cheating is an issue of opportunity or necessarily "right choices." I feel that cheating is really only a symptom of a problem within a relationship that is unhealthy to start with. So if you feel that you are more likely to cheat on your significant other because you have close relationships with members of the opposite sex, then perhaps you need to take a closer look at your relationship. When a person is in a healthy, secure relationship then a friend of the opposite sex should never and will never be a temptation.

Now if your relationship is troubled, then perhaps you might want to limit potential situations so you can have the opportunity to repair the relationship or 'do the right thing' and leave the relationship without breaking someone's trust. But if you're in a good relationship or good marriage, this is just a non-issue.

[Edited on September 13, 2006 at 6:36 PM. Reason : sp.]

9/13/2006 6:33:06 PM

Ah, some of these philosophies are a little communitarian for me.

If we embrace that we are animals and at our hearts very primitive, then we can acknowledge how to behave and control our actions without lying to ourselves.

That's my broadly philosophical answer of an excuse to all the complexities of human relations.

9/13/2006 6:37:02 PM

bottombaby said:

Quote :

"I feel that cheating is really only a symptom of a problem within a relationship that is unhealthy to start with."

BINGO!

/thread

9/14/2006 8:54:09 AM

Quote :

"she wants to come visit me sometime after her husband goes back to the base"

Sounds like "a symptom of a problem within a relationship that is unhealthy to start with." In fact the whole situation sounds like she has problems. If you are trying to avoid a potentially bad situation it's best not to take the first step that would lead you down that path.

9/14/2006 9:46:28 AM

Quote :

"sure, it might be that she's scheming behind her husband's back to reach back out to someone she used to have the hots for. That's possible. But it's also perfectly reasonable to think that she might be planning the visit for while he's gone for other reasons. If he's going to be away at his base anyway regardless of her plans, then that seems like a better time to visit a friend than a time where the visit would mean being away from her husband when otherwise they'd be together."

9/14/2006 10:05:40 AM

If it makes you that uncomfortable if she is going to hang out with you while her man is off at some base, you could always talk to the guy and see how he feels about it.

If he didn't know in the first place, there's your red flag.

He'll tell you straight up if he minds her coming over there or not. Whatever the answer is, it's between the two of them to figure out and agree upon.

9/14/2006 10:18:55 AM

^yeah, go with that.

9/14/2006 10:36:35 AM