Trying to figure out why am I afraid of commitment? Currently in a relationship of 5 years. Relationship before this one (of 3 years) ended because I got cold feet. Present one is heading the same way it appears. I loved previous girl, and I love current girl, but when I hear stories about what our life will be like I get antsy. My parents recently celebrated 40 years of being married. It is not like I come from messed up family, but apparently somewhere along the way, I got screwed up. If I was in my early 20s, it would be understandable, but I'll be 30 in few months and the need to settle down is very much real, but apparently discordant, as I can't commit.

7/7/2008 6:13:45 AM

It sounds like you're worried about some arbitrary notion about what you should be doing.

Figure out what you really want, not what you think you should be expected to want.

7/7/2008 7:37:34 AM

my guess is there's still half a bag of seed to be spread and he's eying some neglected lawns

7/7/2008 7:44:40 AM

What's wrong with being single?

[Edited on July 7, 2008 at 7:48 AM. Reason : []

7/7/2008 7:47:06 AM

^^lol

7/7/2008 7:53:13 AM

Quote :

"I hear stories about what our life will be like I get antsy"

what stories? who tells you these?

Just because you're almost 30 doesn't mean you need to "settle down", do what's right for you.

7/7/2008 8:48:45 AM

you know you dont have to get married and still live together.

7/7/2008 8:50:25 AM

if you're afraid to get married there is probably some underlying issue that is preventing you from doing it

probably would be best to go ahead and end it, deal with the drama, move on and you'll find the one you want one day and you'll have no doubts

7/7/2008 8:55:43 AM

Most guys aren't afraid of commitment...They just haven't met the person that they want to commit the rest of their lives to. If that's the case then you need to move on.

7/7/2008 9:03:31 AM

Or you could be like my uncle and several years later feel like a stupid asshole for letting the girl you love go over a fear of commitment and marry a Swedish chick to compensate

7/7/2008 9:03:51 AM

Maybe you should see a counselor about this. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with you, but maybe they could help you figure out where these feelings of doubt are coming from and whether they are legitimate concerns or not.

7/7/2008 9:29:25 AM

Quote :

"It sounds like you're worried about some arbitrary notion about what you should be doing. Figure out what you really want, not what you think you should be expected to want."

agreed

7/7/2008 11:01:17 AM

Quote :

"my guess is there's still half a bag of seed to be spread and he's eying some neglected lawns"

yep

7/7/2008 11:31:24 AM

Sounds like you're being pressured into doing something you don't want to.

Fear of commitment can sometimes instead be "don't want to fucking commit dammit!"

You need to figure out if it actually is a fear of commitment holding you back or that you don't want to get married.

7/7/2008 11:40:49 AM

Quote :

"Most guys aren't afraid of commitment...They just haven't met the person that they want to commit the rest of their lives to. If that's the case then you need to move on."

7/7/2008 12:11:57 PM

Spending the rest of your life with the same vag every time IS a scary thought!

Get a girl that likes to swing, problem solved.

7/7/2008 3:49:14 PM

so its easier to throw away 5 years? that is a LOOOONG time.

also on another note, commitment doesn't have to = marriage (i'm guessing you maybe understand this, sounds like she doesn't). if you've been dating for 5 years you HAVE been committed. maybe the term marriage just scares you? i mean you CAN live together w/o being married. but i sort of see both sides. if you're going to be together (for 5 years or longer) or live together or whatever, she's probably like "well what is the difference between this and marriage." like moving in together is a big step. but i guess if you/she want like kids, etc then the next step would SEEM to be marriage. so in that respect i guess there are different levels of commitment.

when you end your relationships because of cold feet are you sad? because if you're not sad then i guess you probably should have ended it.

7/7/2008 4:37:20 PM

Quote :

"Most guys aren't afraid of commitment...They just haven't met the person that they want to commit the rest of their lives to. If that's the case then you need to move on."

7/7/2008 4:44:49 PM

maybe i am in denial but i don't believe ^ 100% i probably agree with it like 90%. but i just feel like just because someone doesn't want to get married doesn't mean they are scared of commitment? like i said, marriage isn't the only form of commitment.

7/7/2008 4:52:10 PM

it's probably just a coincidence, but you sound like you could be the son of one of my coworkers.

Quote :

"You need to figure out if it actually is a fear of commitment holding you back or that you don't want to get married*."

*addendum--to this particular girl.

7/7/2008 5:06:49 PM

expectations are a bitch

i advise you to kill them

7/7/2008 5:23:01 PM

Quote :

""my guess is there's still half a bag of seed to be spread and he's eying some neglected lawns""

Being a male this is always a struggle no matter how much you get it out of your system. Getting laid is one thing, enduring a relationship to go through all the phases is other.

Quote :

"so its easier to throw away 5 years? that is a LOOOONG time."

You are bringing me down even more when you say that. I know it, but would rather not hear it.

Quote :

"when you end your relationships because of cold feet are you sad?"

No, I don't feel sad when I end it, but there is part of me that thinks I should just bite the bullet and do it. Problem is that everybody is saying you'll know when the right one comes, so I keep doubting, rethinking, overanalyzing bla bla bla...

at this point im getting tire of myself. I am being my own enemy...

7/7/2008 6:10:44 PM

post a picture of your gf and i'll tell you what needs to be done

7/7/2008 6:17:32 PM

and bury them under a dumpster

7/7/2008 7:20:57 PM

Quote :

"enduring a relationship to go through all the phases is other. "

what?

7/7/2008 7:31:21 PM

First, you can love someone and not be in a good relationship. Just because you love her doesn't mean you should be married. If you can't say "we" and you can't imagine waking up next to her everyday. If your life would not crumble to pieces without her, then please don't get married.

There is no over or rethinking it. That is natural. When I see Jeff I know that I am the luckiest person in the world. I grow more and more in love with him each day.

I have the best question for you to ask yourself:

Do you care more about her than you do yourself?

7/7/2008 7:36:42 PM

Quote :

"If your life would not crumble to pieces without her, then please don't get married."

bad advice.

7/7/2008 7:43:06 PM

^ Agree. Co-dependence is BAD. You can be two separate people and still like to spend time together.

7/7/2008 10:28:03 PM

you can do better

7/8/2008 2:04:22 AM

Can you imagine a future without her? Are either of you holding each other back from your goals in life? Any reasons you can think of other than "i don't want to" to not marry her?

7/8/2008 2:23:36 AM

There are a ton of reasons not to get married. The whole commitment=marriage thing is a female myth. For most men, marriage is a horrible financial proposition, you know, unless you like rolling the dice to see if you're going to lose half your shit and continue paying an arbitrary amount of money to someone else for an extended amount of time.

7/9/2008 2:53:04 AM

Quote :

"For most men, marriage is a horrible financial proposition"

we want prenup?

7/9/2008 4:05:43 AM

I would wait if I was you. You should go with your instincts even if you're being pressured or it's "about that time"

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/couplesandmarriage/articlecosmo.aspx?cp-documentid=7822448&page=1

7/9/2008 6:30:37 AM