Dear Max,

You have pretty good litterbox habits, usually being careful to cover everything completely. You even attempt to shake the loose litter off your paws as you step out of the litterbox -- I applaud this.

Recently, however, you seem to have taken a liking to the cabinet -- pawing at the side of the cabinet for 10 minutes after pooping will not magically produce litter, nor will it cause litter to get on top of your poop. Please use the litter in the litterbox to cover your poop, rather than pawing at the cabinet, the wall, or the floor for 10 minutes, where there is no litter.


Thanks,
--Charles

11/3/2008 7:29:26 AM

what a bitch

11/3/2008 7:31:07 AM

yarlly

11/3/2008 7:31:24 AM

a simple "my fuckin cat is dumb" would have sufficed

11/3/2008 7:31:51 AM

i would, at this point, like to point out that dogs are > cats. and if you don't trade that bitch cat in for a dog, i will be forced to confiscate your man card immediately, if not sooner.

11/3/2008 7:33:16 AM

Dear Carter and Finley:

Carter, you are, unfortunately, not the brightest of cats. Honestly you're the last of the 3 we have. We frequently refer to you as "the little retarded kitty" right in front of you. However, being stupid is no excuse for what you do in the litterbox. Seriously, the litterbox isn't for playing. It's for toilet issues -- not for looking for buried treasure, which you frequently do. This has to stop.

Finley -- no complaints yet. We'll see.

Thanks,
--Charles

11/3/2008 7:39:57 AM

if your name is charles, you should name your cats after X-men characters

then you can write letters as if your cats responded

11/3/2008 7:43:40 AM

Quote :

"i would, at this point, like to point out that dogs are > cats. and if you don't trade that bitch cat in for a dog, i will be forced to confiscate your man card immediately, if not sooner."

This is, of course, coming from the guy that just got a dirty mop?

11/3/2008 7:58:17 AM

Dear Mindy,
You're a fatass, and I love you anyways. Surely you've noticed that eating the dog's food makes you barf, or try to? Stop it. You will not die of starvation to wait another hour for breakfast.
Also, you're painfully cute and I love you lots.

- X

11/3/2008 8:18:37 AM

Dear Cats,

I'm so glad i left you at the old house when I moved. You made me sneeze and my eyes water and my throat itch. I'm much better off without you and will be getting a dog instead in the coming months. I sorta hope you're not dead.

Sincerely,
BigMan

11/3/2008 8:25:23 AM

Dear Toby,

I think you're pretty awesome, and extremely amusing most of the time. However, the litterbox is where you're supposed to poop, not on the litter-catch tray on the front of the litterbox.

Please make a note of this.

Thanks,
Optimum

11/3/2008 8:27:31 AM

Dear cats,

I've never owned one of you, and i hope my future wife/kids never try to pull one of you into the family.

Thanks,
BigEgo

11/3/2008 8:28:51 AM

Dear Toby,

You told me your name was Kunta Kente, but I told you it was Toby. Your name is Toby.

- Brandon

11/3/2008 8:43:06 AM

^racialist

11/3/2008 8:43:40 AM

yeah dude you should get a dog... they will understand what you're saying.

11/3/2008 8:45:02 AM

Dear Albion,

I love you dearly, but I get rather annoyed that you prefer to go chomp grass on the porch and then come inside to throw up. Please know that when I leave you out there, it's not because I don't want to see you inside, I just don't want to clean your vomit from the carpet.

Your friend,

S

11/3/2008 8:46:44 AM

Dear Jules,

When I go sit at the computer is not an invitation to sit on the keyboard. I know it must be comfy, but it makes it hard to type. asdfgoja[ 33

Thanks,
Slacekwqeqqqqqqqkb

11/3/2008 8:58:38 AM

Dear Sophie-

I do not like you. I have never liked you. This has been evidenced by your ride in the dryer, repeated spins on the hardwood floor until you get so dizzy you run into the wall, and by tying your back paw to Bella's collar (Bella is an 80 lb Golden Retriever who never gets bored of chasing this cat). I would like you to disappear soon so that you may be replaced with a real pet, like a dog.

Please relay this message to all other cats, so that I will not have to endure their existence or they mine.

-Ryan

11/3/2008 9:03:05 AM

Dear Sampson and Noah,

I am so sorry that we had to put your friend to sleep and bring this baby into the house, but you guys have been pretty cool about it.

I wish that you would stop clawing up my carpet. You have all kinds of things that you are supposed to claw -- an old sofa, cat nip scratcher, and a $200 kitty mansion. Please use those and stop butchering our new carpet.

Noah. There is not a scary monster that lives downstairs during the day. It is ok to visit and play in the living room before sunset.

Sampson, I love how you like to crawl into bed with me and curl up on my pillow. However, I do not love how you always manage to put your winking asshole in my face. It is not a pleasant thing to awaken to.

Guys, you're kinda weird, but I love ya!

-Erica

11/3/2008 9:05:17 AM

Dear CoCo,
You are a total bitch, but that's OK! I am too!

Keep up the good work,
CeilingCat

11/3/2008 1:48:51 PM

Dear Sharkbait,

Don't piss me off again.

-Allan

11/3/2008 1:52:10 PM

dear sam and jorge

I let you move in here with my girlfriend. I put a roof over your head. I clean your shit. I put up with the mysterious stains on the carpet. I have not punted you on your ass for clawing my couch and carpet, even though I went to Lowes and built you a fat-ass scratching post. I only have one request...stop sitting on my newspaper in the morning when I am trying to read it. You only care about the section I have open in front of me and it is extremely annoying.

thanks

11/3/2008 1:56:16 PM

Dear Snoopy,

When a kitty becomes diabetic, she's supposed to already be fat. You have chosen the opposite route; to become fat after you were diagnosed. You're as big as a house and it's getting hard to pick you up.

But keep up the good work about not hating the insulin shot you get every morning.

Love,
Mom

11/3/2008 2:24:11 PM

Dear Snowball,

I miss you. *sniffles* You had a good 16 year run and went out with style. Who knows how long you were curled up in front of the fireplace before Dad noticed you were dead. Always keep em guessing.

11/3/2008 2:30:49 PM

dear kitties,

let me start by saying that i love you all. ok now that we're done with that...

zoe, you obviously don't realize this but you are fat. when there is a table with a bunch of stuff already on it, don't jump up there. there is not enough room and meowing at the stuff on the table will not get it to move. i don't appreciate you knocking said stuff onto the floor to make room for your fatass either. oh, and quit fucking w/ the blinds at 5am.

yoshi, while you are still a kitten at 5 months old, you are 8 lbs and need to learn to hit the brakes a little earlier when it comes to walls/doors/corners/etc. you're going to hurt yourself. stop jumping on the couch too...that's why i shoot you in the face with the water bottle. it means GET DOWN.

monkey, you are a big boy. not fat, just big/tall/long. quit being such a pussy when it comes to yoshi. you are 7-8 lbs MORE than he, and 4 years older, yet you scream like a little bitch when he walks by. he doesn't touch you, look at you, nothing. at first i thought yoshi was terrorizing you, but that is not the case. grow up.

thanks,
MEO

11/3/2008 2:36:26 PM

In regards to the original post my cat does that shit too. Anyone know why they do this?

11/3/2008 2:43:35 PM

Dear Buddah,

You know you are not supposed to run out the front door. It never fails to amaze me how a cat so large can move so fast. However, you look at me dead in the face before you make a break for it and then look pissed when i kick you in the face. And for the love of christ will you stop trying to bite my chin off when I pet you. It really fucking hurts and you act stunned when i freak from the pain. I also love how you are fat and clumsy, often fall off the table and do not know how to retract your claws. You clearly have bad cat genes but are the coolest cat ever. And stop meowing for the fish oil capsules when we go in the cabinet, you dont even play with them anymore

Jen

11/3/2008 2:53:53 PM

Quote :

"In regards to the original post my cat does that shit too. Anyone know why they do this?"

my cat zoe does it too. she always has regardless of how clean or dirty the litter box is. she scratches the table next to her food bowl when she's done eating sometimes if there's only crumbles left. i have no idea why. OCD maybe?

11/3/2008 3:00:37 PM

Dear cat that appeared on my back deck last night,
I hope you found your way home. You seemed like a nice kitty, if a little skittish, but I could not let you come inside because you don't live there. You didn't look like an outside cat so I'm assuming you got out and wandered off. Also, tell your owner that it's useless to put a phone number on your tag if they don't pick up and the voice mailbox is full. Best of luck,

-Chris

11/3/2008 4:17:10 PM

Dear Cat,

I am lonely.

Love,

Cat Owner

11/3/2008 4:24:54 PM

DEAR DEEBU BEE,

YOU ARE SITTING ON TOP OF MY CHAIR.

IT IS MAKING MY BACK HURT BECAUSE MY NECK IS PUSHED FORWARD.

11/3/2008 4:30:20 PM