So not only have I been a lurker and never posted before, but at the risk of sounding whiny, I'm starting a new topic.

My long, pathetic story...
2 months ago I had a baby. Like many, I worked up until a week or two before my due date. I was big, exhausted and having physical issues towards the end. My husband stopped even trying to touch me 2-3 months prior and I was so exhausted that I guess I just let it slide. The day that I was due to go in for my induction, I found out quite accidentally that he was frequenting online porn sites and jacking off late at night rather than even attempting to try to come to bed and deal with me. Now I admit that things had become very wrote even prior to getting pregnant and I now regret that thoroughly. Upon finding out his late night pass time, It was quite a mindfuck to find that he would rather jack off to porn than confront me with the issue and passed up a real live lay for online chicks. We had always had a great sex life up to a few months prior to the pregnancy. Now I don't want to come off as a prude. I have more of a problem with his hiding it and not confronting me that the actual porn. Hell, it's more a feeling of being left out than anything (does that even make sense?) Don't get me wrong. It does make me sad that he'd rather look at some chicks virtual tits than the DD's that he has right up stairs in real time but I can understand that if he's not getting any, that he'd like to watch someone who is. (I actually have less of a problem with him watching someone getting laid on youporn than some still pic of a naked chick at the expense of dealing with myself.)
Since then, we have talked things out on numerous occasions. I wound up delivering via C-section and had such an easy time of the post op recovery that I had none of the physical trauma to deal with and all of the hormones. Unlike everyone I have met/heard from so far, my sex drive has increased to the point that I am horny on a daily basis. Against instructions, we started having sex again 2 weeks after delivery. He had always said that he could have sex any time, any day and that if he was tired there'd be no problem as long as I initiated. The problem is, that's not exactly true. Our arguments as of late have been that he's been too tired for sex, which is apparently an ok excuse for him but when I used it prior times, I was a cold bitch that made him turn to porn to get off. He had brought up the "100 days of sex" book and that we should try it. but now that I am more than willing, he admits that he only wanted to do it assuming that I would maybe give him at least 1/2 of that & I wouldn't take it seriously. To top things off, he was the sort that used to be interested in sex whether I had my period or not. Having just started it again a few nights ago, he is now suddenly squeamish about it and we had a really bad encounter because of it. While I understand that I was not initiating sex nearly enough in the past, I am now afraid to start anything for fear that I'm pressuring him and that he'll start having problems because of it.
Just to give you an idea of what he has to work with, I gained ~35-40 lbs during my pregnancy, lost 25 lbs in the first 3 weeks post partum and have ~ 10-15 lbs to go. I have to admit that I feel like a circus freak right now given the rapid gain and loss.
So my questions:
Has anyone else out there had an increase in sex drive following pregnancy or am I the only freak on the planet in that respect?
How should I approach him now? I'm still horny, crying on a regular basis over this and unable to sleep at night but I don't want to make him do something that he doesn't want to do.

Sorry for the long post...

1/11/2009 5:34:02 AM

[Edited on January 11, 2009 at 5:52 AM. Reason : ,]

1/11/2009 5:38:57 AM

From a guy's perspective, hey maybe put off by seeing such a radical change in you over a short time span.

I don't have any experience to give advice beyond this.

Good luck.

1/11/2009 5:43:05 AM

this is not unusual. and things aren't going to fix themselves overnight. without being overly emotional about it, clearly let him know that you want to be his object of desire and you would rather he refocus his needs on you and not porn. let him know that you find yourself sexy and he should too. and make sure you are initiating frequently from now on. doesn't always have to be sex. give him a blowjob. or even just touch him. never discount the effectiveness of a simple caress

1/11/2009 5:50:19 AM

^completely agree

1/11/2009 5:53:34 AM

Quote :

"We had always had a great sex life up to a few months prior to the pregnancy."

Sounds like what you two are implicitly dealing with is the event(s) that changed your sex life prior to your pregnancy. It would seem to me that the whirlwind effects of child-bearing and birth would complicate any issue...my guess is to address whatever happened beforehand, then maybe you can both work on dealing with the physical and emotional changes brought about by the pregnancy itself.


or maybe he's just freaked out and keeping his distance for a little while. Just like dogs do when they first get comfortable with a stranger and said stranger makes a sudden movement. They'll come around eventually.


$1

1/11/2009 5:59:13 AM

maybe he's afraid of getting you knocked up again

1/11/2009 6:27:09 AM

I guess he just realized that it's easier to watch porn than it is to try and sex you up and get shot down...
Not trying to sound like a dick or anything, but if I were in your husband's shoes and you said 'blah blah blah, I'm sorry for not paying you enough attention in the past. I'll try to do better blah blah blah', I probably wouldn't believe you given how the relationship has gone in the past. It's one of a man's worst fears to get married thinking that the sex is basically going to stop. Enough to make some men not get married. Now your husband obviously did get married, wasn't getting any booty, didn't want to cheat on you, so he started watching more porn.
You shouldn't feel betrayed or left out. You just weren't there for him for a while, so he had to find something that WOULD be there for him.

Having said that, take things slow (or fast) and show him that you want to be more active. Try new things. Be spontaneous. I mean, there are few men that are going to be terribly offended when you pull out their dick and put it in your mouf.

If you can't get him to come around....you have my phone #

1/11/2009 8:44:06 AM

Quote :

"We had always had a great sex life up to a few months prior to the pregnancy."

This is probably the key piece of information. This tells me that whatever problem is affecting your sex life -- it's probably not the pregnancy.

is he still affectionate towards you? Is he involved with the baby? If all other indications are good and it really is only the sex that's changed, I have no idea.

I'd probably guess that if this started before you even got pregnant, there are deeper issues to resolve.

1/11/2009 8:57:20 AM

he needs to man the fuck up...I would find nothing more beautiful than my wife pregnant with my child

1/11/2009 9:05:42 AM

I am not authorized to give any advice on this situation but if I was, I would offer:

Watch porn with him and turn it into a fun night

1/11/2009 9:06:10 AM

My first reaction in reading the post is that it sounds like the relationship focuses a lot on you (although, I could be just projecting ).

You cut him off about 3 months before the delivery, his enjoyment of his porn is all about how it affected you, you are now horny a lot and feel put off when he doesn't want it as much as you do. When does this guy get to have a say in this relationship?

I imagine he had built up some resentment prior to the delivery. No man (or woman for that matter) wants to have to beg their partner for sex. Now, post delivery, he might feel like, "hey, I'm not a machine that you can turn on and off at your discretion".

In addition, I do remember being dog tired after my kids were born. I used to wake up several times in the middle of the night, I would bring the baby to my wife for her to feed him, pick him up when she was done, change his diaper, put him back to bed, etc. I was indeed very tired.

Anyway, my advice is the same advice that I hear when men want sex more than their partners. Focus on the relationship and not just the sex. Show him that he is special. Do things for him and show him affection that doesn't involve sex, or is not expected to lead to sex. And try to remember that this relationship is just not all about you.

Best of luck.

[Edited on January 11, 2009 at 9:26 AM. Reason : *~<]Bo]

1/11/2009 9:24:12 AM

Buy some vibrators and turn the tables on him. When he sees/hears you having fun, he won't be able to resist.

I agree that it may take a while for things to get back to normal... but also... don't yall have a new baby around? Or did it magically disappear? Maybe he is legitimately tired and doesn't deal as well as you with not getting enough sleep.

Hang in there, and communicate like adults.

1/11/2009 9:25:27 AM

Quote :

"I have more of a problem with his hiding it and not confronting me that the actual porn. Hell, it's more a feeling of being left out than anything (does that even make sense?) "

totally

1/11/2009 9:28:59 AM

this should probably be moved to The Lounge

1/11/2009 9:30:08 AM

This thread makes me not want to have babies.

1/11/2009 9:35:38 AM

1/11/2009 9:37:19 AM

what kind of new mother picks a screen name pronounced DD TITS

sound bogus to me

if it is true, DD, your man ain't feeling you any more and you sound like a bitch. one who isn't very smart. i'm glad i don't have your, your man's, or your kid's problems.

1/11/2009 10:59:13 AM

a medicated marriage is a happy marriage

1/11/2009 11:01:08 AM

lol ignore ambrosia's post when she gets in here, she's gonna talk about how she hates women and thinks you should have a dick without actually having one.

Anyway I sort of went through something like this so PM me and I can tell you how I handled it.

1/11/2009 11:07:23 AM

1/11/2009 11:14:01 AM

Quote :

"I'm still horny, crying on a regular basis over this and unable to sleep at night. "

Holy Aunt Nancy's hormones. Please remember that you just had a baby and that your hormones are going to be all kinds of nutter butters for a few months.

This is not an uncommon problem. My parenting/pregnancy books all have something to say about it. Men experience changes in their desire to have sex when you bring a baby into the picture. For some men, they are overwhelmed by the responsibility that they now have and the changes that have occurred in their life. Others feel guilty for what their wives went through during the pregnancy. Some end up being quite traumatized by the whole birth. Some men even have problems getting over the fact that their hot lady is now a mom.

Honestly, it's a lot for a guy to process and come to terms with. Even if it doesn't kill his sex drive, it might kill his desire to have sex. So, he might masturbate and watch porn. It's not to hurt your feelings. He's just got some things that he has to work out.

You need to talk to him calmly. Even if you think that you are calm, you probably aren't. I was all kinds of crazy after having my baby and didn't even realize it. You aren't going to be able to work things out, if you cannot speak to him in a calm and rational manner. Let him know how you feel, don't blame him for how you feel. That's going to cause a fight. But if you can give him a heads up and ask him to work with you, it could be helpful.

But yeah, a baby can do all kinds of things to your marriage and sex life. My husband and I found having sex to get pregnant to be all kinds of scary and not sexy. It's a miracle that I even got pregnant.

1/11/2009 11:18:28 AM

This really should be moved to the lounge for safety but I've been proud of most of chit chat so far.

DD, I wish I had useful advice but I hope it all works out for you in the end.

1/11/2009 11:21:28 AM

bottombaby wins

1/11/2009 11:23:02 AM

Quote :

"Has anyone else out there had an increase in sex drive following pregnancy or am I the only freak on the planet in that respect?"

OMG! This so happened to me too. I had an extremely decreased sex drive the last few months of pregnancy so after having the baby I was so HORNY!!!! I got to the point that I was trying to do things to him all the time. Those surprises that would happen bc I would lay there awake while he was asleep happened a few times. I was masturbating A LOT bc he couldn't be with me all the time. I think there were a few times that he came home for lunch bc I asked him to do so.

Quote :

"How should I approach him now? I'm still horny, crying on a regular basis over this and unable to sleep at night but I don't want to make him do something that he doesn't want to do."

I was like this too. I was totally wearing him out bc I did want it a lot. I eventually talked to him and let him know where I was and it got better. But I don't know how understanding your guy is. You are not me but giving him blow jobs and taking showers with him often helped me get out some of my aggression. There were a few surprise attacks in the middle of the night as well. It can be quite sexy!

I would ask him if you can join him when he masturbates to porn. But then again, I don't know how much your guy cares about these things.

You might go through a dry spell too so you might be making a thread later on when that happens. Having a baby makes your body and mind out of whack for the first little bit especially if you are always with your little one.
Keep your mind sharp bc you don't want to start looking outside of your relationship bc he is not fulfilling you sexually.

1/11/2009 11:23:02 AM

Quote :

"DDtihts"

giggity

1/11/2009 11:25:52 AM

are you married to a faggot or something? any normal guy should be able to handle 4 times a days easily, 6 or more and you start gettin worn out, or are you just that damn ugly that thte thought of fukin you turns him off? you said he quit likin it before you got pregnant, did you stop taking your birth control to get preggers and fuck him into having to stick around?

sounds like you are just a crazy bitch

1/11/2009 11:29:46 AM

Quote :

"Keep your mind sharp bc you don't want to start looking outside of your relationship bc he is not fulfilling you sexually."

Amen.

When you're hormonal and feeling unattractive because your husband isn't fulfilling your sexual needs, it's very easy to fall prey to infidelity. Every new mom is a little insecure and it's very tempting when someone treats you like some 'hot sexy young thing.'

1/11/2009 11:30:30 AM

i used to love pickin up cougars at bars, if you were lucky they'd fix you breakfast andlet you drop her kids off at school

nobody likes old washed up moms that even their husband won't touch

1/11/2009 11:33:41 AM

I think you should talk to him about it.

Quote :

"Our arguments as of late have been that he's been too tired for sex, which is apparently an ok excuse for him but when I used it prior times, I was a cold bitch that made him turn to porn to get off."

You say you've talked to him, but it sounds more like you guys yell at each other and blame things on each other. not a good way to talk things out! Be as calm as possible, like bottombaby said. Bring it up in a neutral setting, not while you're in bed or after an unsuccessful attempt to initiate sex. Tell him how you feel - he's not a mind reader and neither are you.

example of good things to say
- I feel bad when you turn me down for sex
- Now I'm afraid to initiate because I might get turned down
- I want things to get better
- I'm sorry about turning you down in the past

bad things to say
- Why are you always too tired for sex?
- you never want to have sex anymore
etc

Don't blame things on him, both of you are at fault and you need to admit your part in the problems. Sounds like the pregnancy is only part of the problem, although it could be contributing. bottombaby had a good point that some men have mother issues - it goes back to the idea that motherhood and sexuality are mutually exclusive. He may be turning to porn because he isn't sure how he feels about you, and wants to get off without any emotional involvement.

Also since it started before you got pregnant, there are probably other relationship problems behind everything. Make sure to talk about those as well.

1/11/2009 12:54:42 PM

I stopped reading around the 3rd sentence. I was also expecting a bel-air ending. Let me guess this is about the husband who's looking up porn too much scenerio again.

1/11/2009 1:14:24 PM

It sounds like there are issues unrelated to the pregnancy:

Quote :

"We had always had a great sex life up to a few months prior to the pregnancy."

What happened?

Quote :

"Since then, we have talked things out on numerous occasions."

And how have these discussions gone, and what was the scope of them?

Fortunately, you don't sound like one of the girls who has the porn = cheating mentality, so kudos.

As far as how to address it...wait til the kid is sleeping, find a clean spot in the house (i.e., not a cluttered living room...this provides a diversion and another way to play the blame game), and say 'Hey, these things are bothering me. I genuinely want to resolve these things, and I also want to know what's going on in your mind about these'. Don't approach it like it's going to become an argument, or else it will. Keep as objective as if you were writing a paper for school. Having this mindset will also let you keep a short list in mind, of issues you want to address during the conversation, kind of like the beginning of an outline of a paper.

Don't try and use anything like pregnancy or postpartum depression as excuses. Many people have a hard time knowing the difference between a contributing factor, and an excuse. Not saying you do, but just something to keep in the back of your mind. Offering up feeling ugly and neglected as an excuse will breed resentment, because you have laid the entire problem at his feet to deal with. Saying that you have felt ugly and neglected, and don't know how to deal with it, and that it's compounding the postpartum depression, which is not as easy to deal with, signals to him that you're actively trying to resolve this. People are much more willing to solve problems when they have a willing and equal partner.

Quote :

"which is apparently an ok excuse for him but when I used it prior times, I was a cold bitch that made him turn to porn to get off."

Did he say those exact words?
If yes: Forgive him for that, and let it go. It's not a relevant matter any more. He shouldn't have said that, and shouldn't ever say it again, but don't say this. He probably already knows. If he does continue to say things like this, then there are much bigger problems to be addressed, and one that you two should be prepared to go to counseling for. There is no excuse for name-calling like that in a healthy, adult relationship.

If no: That's the meaning you pulled from his part of the conversation, and my guess is that
- you're trying to project your guilt from disappointing him onto him, or
- you're being overly sensitive about his reaction to you using "I'm too tired" in the past.

Either way: the situations are reversed, and you're standing in each other's shoes now. Learn from it. Compromise. There is no blame to be had here, except in yall's reactions to differing sex drives. It's trite, but: life is more about your reaction, than other people's actions. You can't count on being able to change someone else. You can count on changing your reactions.

Quote :

"Buy some vibrators and turn the tables on him. When he sees/hears you having fun, he won't be able to resist."

And if he doesn't join in...first, tell him that you would appreciate his participation, and that it would mean a lot to you.
If he still doesn't join in, don't hold it against him. Just continue on your merry way, and have some orgasms.

Do tell him that you are now hesitant to initiate sex. That should be a major concern of his. It will signal to him that maybe he's been a little remiss, but it will also tell him that he might be missing out on the times when you are both horny. Ask him to initiate it sometimes, too. But don't be harsh in shooting him down, if you're not willing when he asks. Again with the being in each other's shoes...

1/11/2009 1:36:40 PM

tl;dr

1/11/2009 1:40:41 PM

/alias

1/11/2009 1:44:04 PM

he's cheating on you

1/11/2009 1:52:17 PM

how big is his penis?

1/11/2009 2:11:54 PM

Quote :

"We had always had a great sex life up to a few months prior to the pregnancy."

So you cut him off for a year, and now you want to bitch about how horrible he is for wanting to cut you off? You sound like a selfish bitch.

1/11/2009 2:32:12 PM

can you blame the guy for wanting to take care of things when you are not performing your wifely duty?

and NOW you want it whenever you want it, but sometimes he is too tired? you seem like a selfish bitch to me.


and an alias.

[Edited on January 11, 2009 at 2:46 PM. Reason : ]

1/11/2009 2:46:23 PM

Quote :

"DDtihts"

Quote :

"the DD's that he has right up stairs in real time"

I think we're supposed to know she has big boobs

1/11/2009 2:47:56 PM

did someone say boobs?

1/11/2009 2:57:07 PM

I think this was supposed to be an alias post to see how many guys would respond or PM with offers for sex.

I wonder how that's working out so far.

1/11/2009 2:59:19 PM

she must be fat, fat girls must rely on putting all the attention to their boobs because it's really the only thing they got goin

1/11/2009 3:00:31 PM

^truth.

1/11/2009 3:18:32 PM

The more you put it on the table, the less he's gonna want it.


The more of an issue you make out of it, the more pressure he's going to feel in regard to it. Try to remember some of the things you did together when you had a great sex life, and repeat them.

1/11/2009 3:34:45 PM

if this is an alias, they really fail the time-funniness analysis

1/11/2009 3:35:26 PM

how the fuck did you have a good sex life until a few months up to the pregnancy, did you fuck someone else to get pregnant?

1/11/2009 3:35:28 PM

there are a shitload of words in this thread.

1/11/2009 3:37:21 PM

tl;dr

1/11/2009 3:38:26 PM

what goes around cums around

1/11/2009 3:44:31 PM

Quote :

"The more of an issue you make out of it, the more pressure he's going to feel in regard to it."

I've heard that the best way to make him initiate sex consistently is to refuse him a couple times when he does instigate it. It shocks him when you don't want it and reverses your roles somehow.

I'm not a fan of this type of manipulation, but it might work for you. Things I would actually do myself include...

Offering to go down on him while he watches porn

Dress up all sexy, sit down next to him while he's watching porn, and touch yourself

Go down on him in the morning while he's still half asleep. If he realizes your sex drive isn't all about your pleasure and you want to make him happy too, he might be more excited about initiating sex.

Clean the house in a hot French maid outfit. Make sure to bend over a lot while he's in the same room.

Send him sexy text messages or emails while he's at work

Call him at lunch and tell him how much you want him. Doesn't have to be a long conversation, but it might get him excited for later.

New lingerie or slutty outfits are always a plus.

1/11/2009 3:53:10 PM