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Apocalypse
All American
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Loo: And who are they?
Dr. Klahn: Refuse, found in waterfront bars.
Loo: Shanghaied?
Dr. Klahn: Just lost drunken men who don't know where they are and no longer care.
Prisoner #1: Where are we?
Prisoner #2: I don't care!
Loo: And these?
Dr. Klahn: These are lost drunken men who don't know where they are, but do care! And these are men who know where they are and care, but don't drink.
Prisoner #3: Where am I? I don't know where I am!
Prisoner #4: Yeah, and I don't drink!
Dr. Klahn: Guard! [to prisoner #3] Do you care?
Prisoner #3: No.
Dr. Klahn: Put this man in cell #1, and give him a drink.
Guard: What do you drink?
Prisoner #3: I don't care.

[Edited on January 13, 2009 at 12:48 AM. Reason : o dank u belly much RD-son]

1/13/2009 12:43:34 AM

ReceiveDeath
INEED2 GET HIRITENOW
70330 Posts
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1/13/2009 12:46:35 AM

Apocalypse
All American
17555 Posts
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one of my fav movie lines. wasn't in the original script. anyone know who wrote it?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IOtVg05JLPc

Why shouldn't I work for the NSA? That's a tough one. But I'll take a shot. Say I'm working at the NSA, and somebody puts a code on my desk, something no one else can break. Maybe I take a shot at it and maybe I break it. And I'm real happy with myself, 'cuz I did my job well. But maybe that code was the location of some rebel army in North Africa or the Middle East, and once they have that location, they bomb the village where the rebels are hiding. Fifteen hundred people that I never met, never had no problem with, get killed. Now the politicians are saying, "Oh, send in the marines to secure the area", 'cuz they don't give a shit. It won't be their kid over there, getting shot. Just like it wasn't them when their number got called, 'cuz they were pulling a tour in the National Guard. It'll be some kid from Southie over there taking shrapnel in the ass. He comes back to find that the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from. And the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass got his old job, 'cuz he'll work for fifteen cents a day and no bathroom breaks. Meanwhile he realizes the only reason he was over there in the first place was so that we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price. And of course the oil companies used the little skirmish over there to scare up domestic oil prices. A cute little ancillary benefit for them but it ain't helping my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. They're taking their sweet time bringing the oil back, of course, maybe even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic skipper who likes to drink martinis and fuckin' play slalom with the icebergs, it ain't too long till he hits one, spills the oil and kills all the sea life in the North Atlantic. So now my buddy's out of work. He can't afford to drive, so he's walking to the fuckin' job interviews, which sucks because the shrapnel in his ass is giving him chronic hemorrhoids. And meanwhile he's starving 'cuz every time he tries to get a bite to eat the only blue plate special they're serving is North Atlantic scrod with Quaker State. So what did I think? I'm holding out for something better. I figure: fuck it, while I'm at it why not just shoot my buddy, take his job, give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected President.

1/14/2009 12:06:55 AM

Apocalypse
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P-xHPU6NulM

Jiveman #1: Sheeeit, man, that honkey mus' be messin' my old lady got to be runnin' col' upsihd down his head!
[Golly, that white fellow should stay away from my wife or I will punch him.]
Jiveman #2: Hey Holm, I can dig it! You know he ain't gonna lay no mo' big rap upon you man!
[Yes, he is wrong for doing that.]
Jiveman #1: I say hey sky, s'other say I won say I pray to J I get the same ol' same ol.
[I knew a man in a similar predicament, and he ended up being sorry.]
Jiveman #2: Knock yourself a pro slick. Gray matter back got perform' us' down I take TCBin, man'.
[Don't be naive Arthur. Each of us faces a clear moral choice.]
Jiveman #1: You know wha' they say: See a broad to get that bodiac lay'er down an' smack 'em yack 'em.
[Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.]
Together: Col' got to be! Yo!
[How true!]
Together: Sheeeeit!
[Golly!]

Elaine: Would you gentleman care to order your dinners?
Jiveman #1: Bet babe, slide a piece a da porter, drink si' run th' java.
[I would like the steak please.]
Jiveman #2: Lookie here, I can dig grease and butter on some draggin' fruit garden.
[I'll have the fish.]

Attendant: Can I get you something?
Jiveman #2: S'mo fo butter layin' to the bone. Jackin' me up. Tightly.
Attendant: I'm sorry I don't understand.
Jiveman #1: Cutty say he cant hang.
Woman: Oh stewardess, I speak jive.
Attendant: Ohhhh, good.
Woman: He said that he's in great pain and he wants to know if you can help him.
Attendant: Would you tell him to just relax and I'll be back as soon as I can with some medicine.
Woman: Jus' hang loose blooood. She goonna catch up on the`rebound a de medcide.
Jiveman #2: What it is big mamma, my mamma didn't raise no dummy, I dug her rap.
Woman: Cut me som' slac' jak! Chump don wan no help, chump don git no help. Jive ass dude don got no brains anyhow.

1/15/2009 1:01:13 AM

SymeGuy69
All American
11036 Posts
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It was much funnier reading it than watching that retarded asian movie.

1/15/2009 9:03:18 AM

Arab13
Art Vandelay
45181 Posts
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both are funny

1/15/2009 10:33:00 AM

Apocalypse
All American
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Quote :
"The elated phase of manic-depressive psychosis is essentially the opposite of the depressed one. The patient describes his mood as top notch, happy, and he says, 'I’ve never felt better in my life.' When interfered with he shows undue irritability and anger. He is overactive and over-talkative. His ideas come so rapidly that he jumps from one topic to the other. Distractibility is a common feature. Many maniacs talk in rhyme or they pun for hours on end. Grandiose delusions are often expressed. Judgment is so poor that the manic may go on spending sprees, pass bad checks, or drink alcohol to excess. Sexual desire is increased, which fact coupled with poor judgment may lead to escapades and the contraction of venereal disease or illegitimate pregnancies. The patient with bizarre manifestations may decorate himself with medals, buttons, feathers, pins or rags. He may be noisy and shout. He may injure himself. But if he does, he pays no attention to the injury. Sleep is poor and has no definite pattern and he is usually too busy to bother with eating. These factors and the over-activity lead to loss of weight. In extreme cases of manic excitement, the patient may be so active and excitable as to talk incoherently and to be disoriented. This is a danger of physical exhaustion. Hallucinations support the grandiose delusions.

Well there you have it. I’m a manic depressive with grand illusions."


~ Daniel Johnston

cover song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBV7m_VeCLY

1/18/2009 12:11:29 AM

Apocalypse
All American
17555 Posts
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnlJ8r5uDGQ&feature=related

statement
statement
statement
question

agreement

reassured statement
confident statement
confident statement
over-confident statement

question

elaborate defensive excuse

half-hearted agreement

insecure statement
distracted statement
absurd statement

clarification question

panic bullshit explanation
quick meaningless comic non sequitur

fake laughter
fake laughter
fake laughter

accidental compliment of physical characteristics

pleased response

shocked continuation of meaningless comic non sequitur

relief laughter
relief laughter
relief laughter

superficial compliment

self-assured agreement as denial
exaggerated statement
exaggerated statement
grossly exaggerated statement

clarification question

extremely exaggerated elucidations

mental compliment with accidental double entendre

confident laughter
confident laughter

confident suggestive proposition

violent denial

aghast repetition as question

disgusted violent denial

defensive incriminating implication

offended retort

aggressive childish insult

disbelieving rhetorical question

aggressive childish insult

stunned silence

aggressive childish insult
aggressive childish response
aggressive childish insult
aggressive childish response
aggressive childish insult
aggressive childish response

attempted condescending conclusive statement

brilliant scathing remark with literary allusion and long-term devastating scatological implication

pathetic self revelation

1/19/2009 6:33:58 PM

Apocalypse
All American
17555 Posts
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<Donut[AFK]> HEY EURAKARTE
<Donut[AFK]> INSULT
<Eurakarte> RETORT
<Donut[AFK]> COUNTER-RETORT
<Eurakarte> QUESTIONING OF SEXUAL PREFERENCE
<Donut[AFK]> SUGGESTION TO SHUT THE FUCK UP
<Eurakarte> NOTATION THAT YOU CREATE A VACUUM
<Donut[AFK]> RIPOSTE
<Donut[AFK]> ADDON RIPOSTE
<Eurakarte> COUNTER-RIPOSTE
<Donut[AFK]> COUNTER-COUNTER RIPOSTE
<Eurakarte> NONSENSICAL STATEMENT INVOLVING PLANKTON
<Miles_Prower> RESPONSE TO RANDOM STATEMENT AND THREAT TO BAN OPPOSING SIDES
<Eurakarte> WORDS OF PRAISE FOR FISHFOOD
<Miles_Prower> ACKNOWLEDGEMENT AND ACCEPTENCE OF TERMS

#5273 +(30070)- [X]

<erno> hm. I've lost a machine.. literally _lost_. it responds to ping, it works completely, I just can't figure out where in my apartment it is.

#4281 +(26854)- [X]

<Zybl0re> get up
<Zybl0re> get on up
<Zybl0re> get up
<Zybl0re> get on up
<phxl|paper> and DANCE
* nmp3bot dances -<
* nmp3bot dances |-<
* nmp3bot dances /-<
<[SA]HatfulOfHollow> i'm going to become rich and famous after i invent a device that allows you to stab people in the face over the internet

#99060 +(25886)- [X]

t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
BlackAdder> i believe i speak for all of us when i say...
BlackAdder> WRONG BTICH
BlackAdder> IM SICK OF YOU
BlackAdder> AND YOUR LAME STORIES
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE THINKS YOURE FUNNY
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR STORIES
BlackAdder> IN FACT
BlackAdder> IF YOU DIED RIGHT NOW
BlackAdder> I DON"T THINK NOBODY WOULD CARE
BlackAdder> SO WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT FAG
*** t0rbad sets mode: +b BlackAdder*!*@*.*
*** BlackAdder has been kicked my t0rbad ( )
t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
CRCError> right
heartless> Right.
r3v> right

#244321 +(24124)- [X]

<Cthon98> hey, if you type in your pw, it will show as stars
<Cthon98> ********* see!
<AzureDiamond> hunter2
<AzureDiamond> doesnt look like stars to me
<Cthon98> <AzureDiamond> *******
<Cthon98> thats what I see
<AzureDiamond> oh, really?
<Cthon98> Absolutely
<AzureDiamond> you can go hunter2 my hunter2-ing hunter2
<AzureDiamond> haha, does that look funny to you?
<Cthon98> lol, yes. See, when YOU type hunter2, it shows to us as *******
<AzureDiamond> thats neat, I didnt know IRC did that
<Cthon98> yep, no matter how many times you type hunter2, it will show to us as *******
<AzureDiamond> awesome!
<AzureDiamond> wait, how do you know my pw?
<Cthon98> er, I just copy pasted YOUR ******'s and it appears to YOU as hunter2 cause its your pw
<AzureDiamond> oh, ok.

#5300 +(20520)- [X]

<tatclass> YOU ALL SUCK DICK
<tatclass> er.
<tatclass> hi.
<andy\code> A common typo.
<tatclass> the keys are like right next to each other.

#287414 +(19279)- [X]

<DeadMansHand> haha, last night, me and pete went out to celebrate his engagement and got hugely drunk
<DeadMansHand> we got this great idea to bury eachother in the sand close to the water and see who would chicken out first
<DeadMansHand> took about a half hour, but the water got up to my face so i freaked and got out
<DeadMansHand> i looked around for pete and he must've chickened out before me and stumbled home or something heh
<DeadMansHand> What'd he say when he woke up this morning?
<Thirteen-> uhh.. he hasn't come home yet.. i thought he was staying with you?
<DeadMansHand> holy fuck.
<DeadMansHand> i fucking hope im wrong about what im thinking right now
<DeadMansHand> im fucking going back to the beach to make sure
<DeadMansHand> if he gets home, call me, i don't want to be worrying about this
<Thirteen-> will do. you better hope he's not still buried, you'll be in deep shit.
quit: (DeadMansHand)
<Tyran> wtf? pete came home last night you fuck. Ken's going to be worrying about this shit all day
<Thirteen-> haha yea, but it will be fun while it lasts
join: (PeteRepeat) (bob@3F8C4655.11D1C8C.18637D35.IP)
<PeteRepeat> fucking ken
<PeteRepeat> ken... that fucker buried me in the sand last night, i ran off about 5 minutes to it, left him there to be an idiot
<quiqsilver> pete, ken didn't come back last night, i thought he was with you.
<PeteRepeat> oh fuck.
<PeteRepeat> if ken shows up, make sure he doesn't know that im at the beach digging for his body. i don't want him to think i care or anything.
quit: (PeteRepeat)
<Thirteen-> rofl. Those 2 are going to get a huge surprise when they meet at the beach.
<Tyran> i can't beleive how perfect their timing was

#99835 +(19190)- [X]

<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks?
<TheXPhial> vaccuums
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense?
<TheXPhial> black holes
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what just isn't cool?
<TheXPhial> lava?

#207373 +(16851)- [X]

<anamexis> oh man
<anamexis> I was opening a coke, right
--> Beefpile (~mbeefpile@cloaked.wi.rr.com) has joined #themacmind
<anamexis> and it exploded
<anamexis> ALMOST all over my keyboard
<anamexis> but I got it away just in time
<-- Beefpile has quit (sick fuckers)
<anamexis> :<

#5775 +(15812)- [X]

* ab is away - gone, if anyone talks in the next 25 minutes as me it's bm
being an asshole -
<ab> HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS

#414593 +(15516)- [X]

DragonflyBlade21: A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

#4753 +(14888)- [X]

<xterm> The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

#330261 +(14490)- [X]

<i8b4uUnderground> d-_-b
<BonyNoMore> how u make that inverted b?
<BonyNoMore> wait
<BonyNoMore> never mind

#23601 +(13612)- [X]

<mage> what should I give sister for unzipping?
<Kevyn> Um. Ten bucks?
<mage> no I mean like, WinZip?

http://www.bash.org/?top

2/8/2009 1:11:45 AM

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