Quote :

"Today, I got up at 5am, brushed my teeth, shaved and showered to get ready for work only to step barefoot in a huge pile of dog crap in the middle of my living room floor. I don't own a dog."

2/5/2009 8:06:49 PM

I'm Big Business and i approved this message.

2/5/2009 8:07:24 PM

Quote :

"Today, the police called because someone had turned in my wallet that was stolen. I happily drove home only to find that my house had been robbed and ransacked. "

Quote :

"Today, I finally got the balls to walk out of class 30 min. early only to find that the back door was locked. As I stood there like an idiot trying to get it open, all 200 people in my class turned to laugh. My professor stared at me. I then walked back to my seat sat down and unpacked. "

Quote :

"Today, I tried helping an old lady with her groceries. When I asked if she needed help she smiled. When I took one of her bags she yelled. I didn't know she was deaf. "

2/5/2009 8:10:02 PM

that second one is bullshit. can't lock people in. fire regulations and shit.

2/5/2009 8:12:22 PM

Quote :

"Today, my "touch me not" cat jumped next to me acting as if she wanted to be pet... No, she jumped next to me to share her nasty fart. I need a new kitty. "

2/5/2009 8:13:01 PM

Just waking up in the morning gotta thank god
I dont know but today seems kinda odd
No barking from the dogs, no smog
And momma cooked a breakfast with no hog
I got my grub on, but didnt pig out
Finally got a call from a girl wanna dig out
Hooked it up on later as I hit the do
Thinking will I live, another twenty-fo
I gotta go cause I got me a drop top
And if I hit the switch, I can make the ass drop
Had to stop at a red light
Looking in my mirror not a jacker in sight
And everything is alright
I got a beep from kim and she can fuck all night
Called up the homies and Im askin yall
Which court, are yall playin basketball?
Get me on the court and Im trouble
Last week fucked around and got a triple double
Freaking brothers everyway like m.j.
I cant believe, today was a good day

Drove to the pad and hit the showers
Didnt even get no static from the cowards
Cause just yesterday them fools tried to blast me
Saw the police and they rolled right past me
No flexin, didnt even look in a niggaz direction
As I ran the intersection
Went to $hort dogs house, they was watchin yo! mtv raps
Whats the haps on the craps
Shake em up, shake em up, shake em up, shake em
Roll em in a circle of niggaz and watch me break em
With the seven, seven-eleven, seven-eleven
Seven even back do joe
I picked up the cash flow
Then we played bones, and Im yellin domino
And now I am yelling dominoes
Plus nobody I know got killed in south central l.a.
Today was a good day

Left my niggaz house paid
Picked up a girl been tryin to fuck since the twelve grade
Its ironic, I had the brew she had the chronic
The lakers beat the supersonics
I felt on the big fat fanny
Pulled out the jammy, and killed the punanny
And my dick runs deep so deep so deep
Put her ass to sleep
Woke her up around one
She didnt hesitate, to call ice cube the top gun
Drove her to the pad and Im coasting
Took another sip of the potion hit the three-wheel motion
I was glad everything had worked out
Dropped her ass off, then I chirped out
Today was like one of those fly dreams
Didnt even see a berry flashing those high beams
No helicopter looking for a murder
Two in the morning got the fat burger
Even saw the lights of the goodyear blimp
And it read ice cubes a pimp
Drunk as hell but no throwing up
Half way home and my pager still blowing up
Today I didnt even have to use my a.k.
I got to say it was a good day.




I'm big Business and i approved this message.

2/5/2009 8:14:38 PM

Quote :

"Today, I fell flat on my ass while running for the subway. Made it on only to find out that it was standing by for ten minutes. I then got to ride all the way to work with a train full of people who watched me fall. "

2/5/2009 8:18:34 PM

now where are these coming from

2/5/2009 8:30:42 PM

lulz and ^

2/5/2009 8:32:41 PM

http://www.fmylife.com/

2/5/2009 8:33:29 PM

Quote :

"Today, I was driving and stopped behind a person at a stop sign. Their car didn't move for about 1 minute. I got out of my car yelling at the person. It was an old woman. She wasn't breathing. FML"

2/5/2009 8:49:59 PM

Quote :

"Today, my wife left me the following voicemail: “Alex, last night was amazing. You took me to places I’ve never been to before. I can’t wait to see you tonight after work.” My name is Rob. We haven’t had sex in two years."

Quote :

"Today, I asked my boyfriend to have sex. He told me he would rather play ps3. FML"

Aw, the second one is pretty

[Edited on February 5, 2009 at 8:57 PM. Reason : .]

2/5/2009 8:54:18 PM

Quote :

"Today, I finally broke my two year dry spell, but as she was putting on the condom, I came. She laughed from the time she was putting on her clothes to when she walked out the door. I don't think she's going to call back."

2/5/2009 9:11:10 PM

is the greatest day i've ever known

2/5/2009 10:00:34 PM

^nice,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCgG14g1vT0

2/5/2009 10:35:57 PM

Quote :

"Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML"

2/6/2009 12:07:35 AM

I'm Big Business and i approved this message.

2/6/2009 12:28:12 AM

Today, at a mexican restaurant

2/6/2009 12:34:14 AM

ShawnaC123 already posted what I came in here to post. Goddamn she's smart.

2/6/2009 12:37:29 AM

Quote :

"Today, my phone rang for the first time in four days. It was my mom. She dialed the wrong number. FML"

hahahaha

2/6/2009 12:41:52 AM

this is going directly to the bookmarks toolbar

no questions asked

2/6/2009 12:44:10 AM

Quote :

"Today, I woke up surrounded in a hospital. I suffered a stroke and my left side is paralyzed. My mom brought me my phone that had a voicemail from my girlfriend of a year and a half saying she wanted to break up. FML"

beyond ouch

Quote :

"Today, my girlfriend told me that she's pregnant. We've been together for three months. Two years before we began dating I received a confirmed successful vasectomy that she doesn't know about yet. FML"

damn

[Edited on February 6, 2009 at 12:45 AM. Reason : s]

2/6/2009 12:44:43 AM

Quote :

"Today, my girlfriend told me that she's pregnant. We've been together for three months. Two years before we began dating I received a confirmed successful vasectomy that she doesn't know about yet. FML"

shit, thats good news right there

you found out bitch's a cheat before she could really wreck your life

you gotta string this shit out though, play it cool as fuck

2/6/2009 12:45:46 AM

there is no such thing as a confirmed successful vasectomy

2/6/2009 12:47:02 AM

Quote :

"Today, it was the first time I ever saw a vagina in person. It was during medical school training on how to do a pelvic exam. FML"

ahah would sound like some twwers on here.

2/6/2009 12:47:33 AM

was thinking the same thing

2/6/2009 12:50:50 AM

Quote :

"there is no such thing as a confirmed successful vasectomy"

what do you mean

if he has his semen tested now, and its still not swimming, that means its still successful vasectomy right? it can't just go bad and then go back to successful on its own, right

[i do fully acknowledge that vasectomys can undo themselves over time]

[Edited on February 6, 2009 at 12:51 AM. Reason : i want a vasectomy]

2/6/2009 12:50:57 AM

vasectomies, much like tubal ligations (tubes tied), are not 100%

2/6/2009 12:52:17 AM

but they're binary

its either still working every load you blow or its not working every load you blow

right?

2/6/2009 12:55:15 AM

Quote :

"Today, I decided to send my boyfriend a pic text of me naked. I accidently sent it to my dad and got a text back saying "You definitely take after your mom". FML"

Reminded me of the story a few weeks back about the chick who accidentally sent her dad a text meant for her friend, about just having lost her virginity.

Also:

Quote :

"Today, I was eating ice cream and I noticed some on my jeans so I wiped it off with my finger and licked it. It was bird shit. FML"

2/6/2009 12:57:48 AM

from my understanding, yes. but my point is that you can have a vasectomy and still, techincally, get a bitch preggers. Though it is a VERY small percentage of a chance

[Edited on February 6, 2009 at 12:58 AM. Reason : a]

2/6/2009 12:57:53 AM

yes, i'm confusing this with a story i'd heard somewhere else (maybe even on this site)

bitch tells him

he goes and gets checked again

shit ensues

2/6/2009 12:58:58 AM

Quote :

"Today, my little sister and I were reading a book together and out of nowhere, she said "I love you". My heart melted and I told her that I love her too. Then she told me that she was talking to her stuffed animal, not me. FML"

awe

Quote :

"Today, I was at a bar in Canada and was really hitting it off with a girl. She asked how big my junk was and I told her in inches... They use centimeters. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I decided that I was bored while I was pooping and decided to paint my nails. I had to wait at least 30 minutes to wipe. FML "

carlface



haha

Quote :

"Today, I sneezed so hard I herniated my back. After passing out from the pain I awoke on the floor covered in my own shit and piss. Unable to move, I had to wait in this state for four hours for my wife to return home from work, clean me up and take me to the hospital. FML"

omg horrible

Quote :

"Today, I saw a homeless man asking for money for food. Not wanting to give him money so he'd spend it on booze, I decided to buy him a full big mac meal from McDonalds. When I went to hand it to him, he quickly waved his hand, denying it saying, "Thanks but I'm a vegetarian". FML"

Quote :

"Today, in class, I asked my teacher for a "rubber". I didn't realise that in America "rubber" doesn't mean "eraser", it means condom. FML"

2/6/2009 1:07:52 AM

Quote :

"Today, I fell asleep. I felt something on my face. I batted it away. It was my hamster. It died from a concussion upon hitting the wall. FML"

i bout pissed myself after this one

2/6/2009 1:28:46 AM

Quote :

"Today, I walked past a girl in the cafeteria and she threw up. Naturally, a crowd was drawn. Her friend asked her what was wrong. She pointed at me and said, "Get him away from me!" I had never met this girl. FML"

two drops just came out

2/6/2009 1:30:22 AM

i heard your dick to ball tubes can fuse back together after you get that shit.

I'm Big Business and i approved this message.

2/6/2009 2:06:17 AM

Quote :

"Today, I discovered that Paolo has a big penis, that he's good in bed and that the hotel sheets still remember it all. Mum, the walls won't get any thicker just 'cause you're on the telephone. FML"

2/6/2009 2:26:03 AM

Quote :

"Today, was just like almost every day I've had for the past few months. I slept till 1pm, smoked cigarettes, jerked off, went to the store to get coffee, smoked more cigarettes, and sat in my room alone until 4am, jerking off and smoking cigarettes. FML"

SML

2/6/2009 8:06:13 AM

hahahaha, sounds exactly like my life.

lol, no one loves me

2/6/2009 8:36:45 AM

AHAHA, it's totally the story of my life.

Not lately, but when I read it, it sounded familiar.

(I still love you.)

2/6/2009 9:08:15 AM

and though we never talk, always fight, and rarely smile....I still love you.

2/6/2009 9:29:30 AM

Quote :

" Today, my boyfriend of 2 years sent me a text messages saying, "Don't worry I'm gonna break up with her soon. Love you." FML"

Quote :

"Today, my anatomy teacher was putting together a skeleton model for class. He had misplaced the leg bone, so I thoughtfully asked, "What's the matter, lose a leg?" Unfortunately, there's nothing thoughtful about asking that question to a guy with an amputated leg. FML"

2/6/2009 10:23:54 AM

Quote :

"Today, I was collecting on a bet I had with a buddy on a sports game. He owed me lunch. I have a huge crush on the waitress and told him. She asked if we wanted the checks split and he said, "No, my boyfriend doesn't have any money." FML"

Quote :

"Today, my girlfriend and I lost our virginity to each other. Before, I reached over to her computer and put on "Your Body is a Wonderland". Surprisingly, I lasted through the song and didn't realize her itunes was on random. "Rape me" by Nirvana came on. I still finished. FML"

[Edited on February 6, 2009 at 11:42 AM. Reason : ]

2/6/2009 11:35:29 AM

Quote :

"Today, my inebriated boyfriend and I were having sex. He rolls off of me without finishing, and says, "i'm bored." FML"

2/6/2009 12:24:59 PM

eh, i dont think most of thsese are true

2/6/2009 1:00:58 PM

^You lead a charmed life, my friend.

[Edited on February 6, 2009 at 1:06 PM. Reason : These is real to me.]

2/6/2009 1:06:27 PM

nah im just not completely naive

2/6/2009 1:06:57 PM

who let Debbie Downer off the set of SNL? How did she find her way to this thread?

2/6/2009 1:09:29 PM

she's just in denial

2/6/2009 1:11:07 PM

see also: http://www.grouphug.us!

[Edited on February 6, 2009 at 1:15 PM. Reason : dear TWW: ! is not valid in a URL]

2/6/2009 1:13:58 PM