This has become a major issue in my current relationship. I'm not used to doing it and hence I don't get a good night's rest when I stay over at the gf's place. She gets upset when I cite the need to be functional to do school work the next day as a reason not to sleep at her place. We're both in law school so that is the #1 priority right now. However, that's not good enough for her I guess.

Am I being unreasonable in not sleeping over? Is she warranted in making this a huge issue? How the hell can I resolve this?

3/5/2009 12:00:39 PM

what size bed

3/5/2009 12:02:10 PM

what's the reason you can't sleep well - is it something that can be addressed? bigger bed or something of that sort or is this is a problem whenever you sleep anywhere that's not "home"

3/5/2009 12:02:12 PM

this is the lounge, so let me be the first to dispense with the homo comments :p

second, i would feel the same way if i were you. if your gf is in law school i assume she is a rational intelligent person. make your case as you would in court, and if she still doesn't get it, get rid of her. it'll only get worse

3/5/2009 12:03:04 PM

My fiance and I had this issue when we first started sleeping together. So, we limited "sleepovers" to the weekend. The more he spent the night with me, the easier it got to sleep with each other. Now, we live together, and have no issues sleeping together. It is hard to adjust to having someone else in your bed when you're not used to it, but it does get easier.

I would make sure she knows that you do enjoy spending time at her place, you just want to be able to focus on getting a good night's rest when it's important. Tell her that you want her to be able to sleep as well. Setting up some kind of schedule may not sound "romantic" or whatnot, but it helps, so she knows you aren't just rejecting her, but that you do need time to adjust.

[Edited on March 5, 2009 at 12:10 PM. Reason : ]

3/5/2009 12:10:15 PM

sleep loss is a valid concern. I just upgraded to a pillowtop king bed, and it makes it possible for me to not even notice my wife on the other side if i so choose. (we did have a double... that was not fun.)

3/5/2009 12:10:39 PM

the bed is big enough.

the main problem is I've never had to share a bed on a consistent basis with someone. if I had a few weeks to adjust I'm sure it would get better but I don't have that luxury right now.

3/5/2009 12:11:19 PM

how long have you been together?

3/5/2009 12:15:33 PM

I have this problem. I'm a very active sleeper. I don't sleep when I have someone laying on me and I can't stay comfortable in one position (spooning) all night. We always got a king bed when we rented hotel rooms on trips and it was great because when I was ready to actually sleep I could just push her over to the other side of the bed and tell her not to cross the imaginary line down the middle. Last month I bought a new King bed with a Simmons Beautyrest mattress. The Beautyrest has individual coils and movement from one person didn't shake the rest of the bed as much.

3/5/2009 12:17:19 PM

14 months.

she's been complaining a lot lately that we're not "progressing" in our relationship and this sleeping over issue is part of a larger issue that she's been bringing up lately that we don't "spend enough time together" outside of school.

yes, it's complicated folks.

3/5/2009 12:19:46 PM

So I may have missed it but what is the particular reason you think that you don't sleep well with her? Does she crowd your space even though the bed is big enough? Does she snore? Are you anxious?

[Edited on March 5, 2009 at 12:25 PM. Reason : ]

3/5/2009 12:24:51 PM

oh dear god run man! she's slowly sucking you in!

3/5/2009 12:25:11 PM

She's just in love. Women want to be with you 24/7. You just have to set some reasonable boundaries and have a little give and take.

3/5/2009 12:29:52 PM

i can see how it could hurt her feelings if you don't want to sleep over... especially if you guys are busy a lot and she doesn't get to see you often. i have a hard time sleeping with someone else as well, so my fiance and i spoon for the first 10 minutes or so while in bed then we seperate and sleep on our own sides. our bed is big enough i never even notice he is there. its definately worth it because there is nothing better than waking up and seeing him asleep beside me.

3/5/2009 12:33:08 PM

wait, is this a physical "my gf is a bedbug and I lose sleep"


or, is it an emotional "I cant deal with sleepingin her"?

3/5/2009 12:42:05 PM

Quote :

"she's been complaining a lot lately that we're not "progressing" in our relationship and this sleeping over issue is part of a larger issue that she's been bringing up lately that we don't "spend enough time together" outside of school."

Oh dear god.

Quote :

"second, i would feel the same way if i were you. if your gf is in law school i assume she is a rational intelligent person. make your case as you would in court, and if she still doesn't get it, get rid of her. it'll only get worse"

She should understand why you don't want to sleep in the same bed as her.
I do support the idea of sleeping together on weekends, and slowly progressing towards sleeping together on a more regular basis, but it sounds like that still won't be good enough.

Tell her to take a chill pill.

3/5/2009 12:56:36 PM

i have a no school night rule just so i can be up working if i need to be and im not worried about getting decent sleep

and the cats like it when its just me in the bed, its not big enough for two people and two cats

3/5/2009 1:04:54 PM

when you get older, you'll get used to it

now have a werthers original

3/5/2009 1:05:50 PM

How fat is she?

3/5/2009 1:44:51 PM

I can't do it either

I morph into Liu Kang when I sleep

I need a 3 foot radius on either side of me

3/5/2009 1:47:17 PM

what exactly is causing you to not sleep well??

size of the bed, support or lack thereof of the mattress, snoring, too hot, too cold, too humid, too much light, too noisy, etc?

if you can pinpoint what exactly the problem is it makes it easier to solve it.

3/5/2009 1:47:59 PM

Man, this sounds terrible. I sleep better with a warm body next to me, slept a whole year together in a twin bed no problem.

Hope you get it worked out.

3/5/2009 2:07:24 PM

it usually takes me one night to adjust to having a body next to me, after that, i sleep ten times better.

hope you get it figured out

3/5/2009 2:08:19 PM

Quote :

"I'm not used to doing it and hence I don't get a good night's rest when I stay over at the gf's place. "

Is there some reason you don't sleep well? Too much noise, hard mattress, not enough pillows, something like that?

It sounds like you're just anxious when you sleep over.

3/5/2009 2:09:20 PM

yeah i just asked that question...

3/5/2009 2:13:29 PM

What does she mean that your relationship isn't 'progressing'? All healthy relationships evolve
over time, but what does she want? Living together, ring, or what?

Sounds like she wants her life to be moving along at a pace you might not be necessarily comfortable with.
Like "law school...check, marriage...check".

Tell her she needs to cut that shit out and you both need to concentrate on your schoolwork. If she can't accept
she takes a backseat to an expensive education, bail.

3/5/2009 2:37:09 PM

Quote :

"if your gf is in law school i assume she is a rational intelligent person"

After hearing some of Gzusfrk's stories about her classmates in law school, I am prone to believe that many law students are blithering idiots.

It took awhile to get used to sleeping together, but now it's all good.

[Edited on March 5, 2009 at 2:41 PM. Reason : ]

3/5/2009 2:40:22 PM

just take a benadryl before bed or some shit

you will involuntarily fall asleep in about 20mins

3/5/2009 4:55:55 PM

Quote :

"i can see how it could hurt her feelings if you don't want to sleep over... especially if you guys are busy a lot and she doesn't get to see you often. i have a hard time sleeping with someone else as well, so my fiance and i spoon for the first 10 minutes or so while in bed then we seperate and sleep on our own sides. our bed is big enough i never even notice he is there. its definately worth it because there is nothing better than waking up and seeing him asleep beside me."

sara is so smrt.

3/5/2009 5:18:01 PM

What I'm curious about is, what are you going to do when you're married - to her or anyone else? You're always going to need sleep, and if you can't get used to sleeping next to her, are you SURE it's because you're bad at sleeping in the same bed with someone else, or is it something deeper in your mind?

3/5/2009 5:20:25 PM

hit her

3/5/2009 5:44:41 PM

i was the same way for a while, now after 2 yrs of sleeping in the same bed 3-4 nights a week, i actually get a better sleep with her there than if i am sleeping with the dog at the foot of the bed

3/5/2009 6:49:35 PM

Quote :

"the main problem is I've never had to share a bed on a consistent basis with someone. if I had a few weeks to adjust I'm sure it would get better but I don't have that luxury right now."

Okay, this means she is:

a) a porker
b) a snorer
c) a talker (i am, for sure. haha)
d) a sleepwalker
e) all of the above (I'm sorry.)

She must have some odd habit that is keeping you from sleeping well. I can't sleep well on beds that dont have some sort of mattress pad because i have scoliosis (read = bad back). That could be the problem too.

3/5/2009 7:05:28 PM

hey cool, me too

it took me a little while to get used to sleeping with dave, but i think it was mostly anxiety, but after a while i got used to it.... oh, and he snores, but i usually just beat him and he quits.

oh, and we do the whole, cuddle for a little bit before we fall asleep and then we eventually move to our sides of the bed... my side is much bigger

3/5/2009 7:21:33 PM

Quote :

"I can't sleep well on beds that dont have some sort of mattress pad because i have scoliosis"

Maybe it's the mattress?

It's really difficult for me to sleep on a hard mattress. I can't sleep on the one I usually do in my parents' house any more.

3/5/2009 7:22:01 PM

i bought a sealy posturpedic pillow top, best investment i've made so far

3/5/2009 7:23:28 PM

I DON'T SNORE

3/5/2009 7:25:02 PM

Quote :

"Am I being unreasonable in not sleeping over?"

No.

Quote :

" Is she warranted in making this a huge issue? "

Huge? No. An issue? Sure.

Quote :

"How the hell can I resolve this?"

Man up and take some sleeping pills on nights you're over there. Everyone takes time adjust to someone else in the bed.

[Edited on March 5, 2009 at 8:10 PM. Reason : .]

3/5/2009 8:09:51 PM

sometimes she comes on over to my side... but more likely is her stealing the sheet and blanket... and we have 2 blankets (one on each side) but one sheet....

3/6/2009 9:10:39 AM

Quote :

"oh dear god run man! she's slowly sucking you in!"

exactly.

holmes, you are getting reeled in.

problem is with stuff like this, you kind of have to set expectations early so its not like you're suddenly changing your message. and you gotta stick to your guns or she's gonna own your ass.

3/6/2009 10:50:26 AM

I know it took me a while to get used to sleeping with mine when we do, and if we havnt for a bit and start doing it for a few days, the first night is a bit on me.

It takes time. more you do it the better. and it is a good thing for both of you in time commitment.

3/6/2009 10:54:32 AM

have sex and sleep where you fall

if you're half decent at it, you'll be tired by the time you're done

3/6/2009 11:32:56 AM

Quote :

"i can see how it could hurt her feelings if you don't want to sleep over... especially if you guys are busy a lot and she doesn't get to see you often. i have my boyfriend has a hard time sleeping with someone else as well, so my fiance he and i spoon for the first 10 minutes or so while in bed then we seperate and sleep on our own sides. our bed is big enough i never even notice he is there. its definately worth it because there is nothing better than waking up and seeing him asleep beside me."

I very much agree with all of what she said. If I were the girlfriend or in a similar situation this would be a major issue because that time you get to spend together at night is important. Often thats when you are most intimate, you cuddle, have sex, get to spend time with them, and have the added bonus feeling secure with your man there with you. Especially if you go over to her place, hang out, have sex, and go home I could see why she feels like it is a bigger reflection upon your feelings tward your relationship. As far as fixing it I also second spending weekends with her. It would probably mean alot to her if you could try doing one weeknight a week over there, perhaps pick a day when you dont have as much to do the next day. You can also try having a date night, once a week. If she feels like you dont spend enough time together outside of school it would probably go a long way taking private time to do something just the two of you, show her that you are commited to seeing her in other ways other then spending the night.

You didn't mention, do you have the same problem when she spends the night at your place? And do you let her spend the night at your house?

3/6/2009 12:00:50 PM

^ Maybe I'm not like most women, but I feel that's pretty needy of her to ask him to spend even more time on the weekends as well as some weeknights with her, especially as they are law students. One of my roommates is in law school, and judging from his workload, he pretty much just does school, rockclimbing, and sleep. Anything that detracts/distracts from you accomplishing your educational goals, in my opinion, is suspect. It sounds like she's also being pretty insecure about the relationship- a woman confident and secure in the relationship would
accept his stated limitations.

If sleeping with my partner bothered me to the point I was not sleeping well, I would insist he not sleep over that often, for my sanity/health's sake. If she can't accept you are being honest with her, then I seriously think it's time to re-consider the relationship.

3/6/2009 2:20:08 PM

^ You always post the most rational shit.

3/6/2009 2:36:53 PM

i hate sleeping without a topless girl in my bed

it happened way too much in my younger years

3/6/2009 3:34:23 PM

Quote :

"How the hell can I resolve this?"

Man up.

3/6/2009 3:37:16 PM

my wife and fight all the time over the covers. So to ease those confrontations, we got a king size comforter (we have a queen sized bed).

3/6/2009 5:52:23 PM

my so kicks all teh spare pillows on the floor at night which makes me since we have dogs and cats and the floor has fur on it

grrrrr

3/6/2009 11:34:00 PM

We just got a king-size bed, and it's fucking sweeeeeeeeeeet.

3/7/2009 12:20:47 AM