would you consider catching them multiple times snooping through your phone or email legitimate grounds?


this is hypothetical of course, discussion with a friend

5/26/2009 2:58:57 AM

absofuckinglutely.

5/26/2009 3:00:01 AM

i thought this was going to be ideas not advice

1/10

5/26/2009 3:00:45 AM

hmm....not in and of itself, maybe, but it would indicate that she was a deceitful sneak, so yeah

5/26/2009 3:00:47 AM

If they're snooping that much, then they have trust issues. If they have trust issues, that in and of itself is going to cause problems down the line -- and more importantly, it's symptomatic of more serious emotional problems.

It's absolutely grounds for dumping them, unless you've given them permission and access to your email or phone.

5/26/2009 3:01:08 AM

i agree with ^

5/26/2009 3:01:54 AM

Quote :

"absofuckinglutely."

serious trust issues ^

5/26/2009 3:02:43 AM

^^ +1

5/26/2009 3:02:50 AM

she has man hands

5/26/2009 7:12:47 AM

her snatch stinks

5/26/2009 7:18:09 AM

she has a penis

5/26/2009 7:59:41 AM

I had a girlfriend once that wanted to see my wallet and everything in it -- but she asked openly and I was there to supervise, so I let her.... but still I remember thinking it was kinda weird.

5/26/2009 8:26:55 AM

going through the phone would not be legitimate grounds, but email.... maybe. depends on if you told them not to access the email after catching them the first time "snooping". ^^^^ wallet is definitely wierd though.

5/26/2009 8:37:36 AM

Once I left my wallet at my ex's house, and her and her roommate went through it and found an old pic of a previous girlfriend in a bathing suit.....They took it out, but I didn't notice, as I had forgotten it was even in there. She then decided to get pissed and play mind games for a few days about it....when she finally told me what it was about I was like WTF?!?

5/26/2009 9:11:30 AM

call them out and see what happens

5/26/2009 9:11:35 AM

Unless they had a very clear and legitimate reason such as, "I was looking for blah blah's number," then it would require a serious discussion with the person. If they couldn't handle having a discussion about it then it's time to break up.

5/26/2009 9:16:42 AM

Quote :

"Unless they had a very clear and legitimate reason such as, "I was looking for blah blah's number," then it would require a serious discussion with the person. If they couldn't handle having a discussion about it then it's time to break up. "

Quote :

"If they're snooping that much, then they have trust issues. If they have trust issues, that in and of itself is going to cause problems down the line -- and more importantly, it's symptomatic of more serious emotional problems."

+1

5/26/2009 9:19:29 AM

^ +2

5/26/2009 9:20:00 AM

Quote :

"would you consider catching them multiple times snooping through your phone or email legitimate grounds? "

yep. not because i'd likely have anything to hide..but because i've found if she doesn't trust you there's probably a reason she's that insecure.. and the number 1 reason I've found is that they're the ones cheating and they're just trying to find a reason to turn it around on you. (and/or they have daddy issues)

Quote :

"If they're snooping that much, then they have trust issues. If they have trust issues, that in and of itself is going to cause problems down the line -- and more importantly, it's symptomatic of more serious emotional problems"

yup.

5/26/2009 9:37:01 AM

Wow, what are you people keeping in your email that you have to worry about? If we'd been dating for 2 weeks it might be weird, but anything I don't want them on I keep password protected anyway (like my business PC.) Same goes for wallet. Nothing in there questionable except pictures of friends from high school, and drooling nephews/cousins age 18 months or so. So what if they steal the little bit of cash, they're going to get it one way or the other more than likely...

Keepin' it squeaky clean

5/26/2009 9:40:46 AM

^
You have completely missed the point. The content of your phone, email, or wallet is 100% irrelevant to the issue.

5/26/2009 9:57:17 AM

^Depends on what their reasons are for snooping - if it's just snooping, it's to find out if you're cheating or talking trash about them to your friends, not stealing...

Quote :

"If they're snooping that much, then they have trust issues. If they have trust issues, that in and of itself is going to cause problems down the line -- and more importantly, it's symptomatic of more serious emotional problems."

Trust issues can be a problem if you're fighting a battle to make them trust you - I've learned over the years that it's better to let them be distrustful and learn on their own that you're not one to screw them over. I like to be pretty open about the stuff I'm talking about with people because in a situation where they'd want to investigate, that means they're interested in finding out more than they think you're willing to share.

People are complicated. Young ones like us make bad decisions all the time and try to make sense of why we do stupid shit. It could be I have no self respect, or just that I have nothing to hide and want to reach out any way I can, but I say, let them snoop, and when we grow up enough to not have reasons to want to snoop, all our cards will be on the table.

That's to say you're NOT fucking around with someone...

5/26/2009 9:57:39 AM

Quote :

"would you consider catching them multiple times snooping through your phone or email legitimate grounds?"

This is grounds for immediate dismissal.

5/26/2009 10:04:34 AM

You'd be hard pressed to find anyone who thinks that isn't grounds for dumpage.

5/26/2009 10:07:53 AM

its absolutely a reason for breaking up. I can't trust someone who doesn't trust me and without the reciprocated trust there can be no relationship.

my girlfriend did it once when i left my phone at the house and i busted her and explained my position. i told her we would be done if it ever happened again, and to my knowledge, it hasn't. I trust that it hasn't.

she grew up in an environment where her mom was cheating and her mom's boyfriend was cheating. her dad and her stepmom were a good stable family but she didn't get that influence until she was 13 or so. her mom actually used to have them hop in the car and go snoop around town for her boyfriends when she was suspicious they may be up to something. so, in this case, i don't blame her for those issues or for thinking it was appropriate behavior.

on a side note, she went to a sleep over with a bunch of my friend's girlfriends and the subject came up and she was the only one who suggested doing so was a violation of trust and that violating that trust was just as bad a violation of what they were trying to find. the other girls found those actions to be completely justifiable. this is just a testament to how crazy women are as a whole.

5/26/2009 10:09:16 AM

Quote :

"Young ones like us make bad decisions ... when we grow up enough to not have reasons to snoop"

If by "young ones" you mean "12 year olds", then maybe you'd have a good point. Adults should know better. I simply don't understand how snooping is appropriate for anyone but private investigators.
And it's not just with your significant other. Years ago, I left a friend of 2-3 years at my house while I went on a beer run, and upon returning, found him shuffling though the drawers in my living room. He acted very guilty, but said that he was merely looking for a particular dvd. Needless to say, I don't hang with him anymore.

Quote :

"Depends on what their reasons are for snooping"

No, no it really doesn't. Invasion of privacy is invasion of privacy is invasion of privacy.

Quote :

"Trust issues can be a problem if you're fighting a battle to make them trust you"

You shouldn't be fighting that battle. If they don't trust you, they have trust issues. Or, if you can't be trusted, then you have issues. Either way, you shouldn't be together.

Quote :

"I've learned over the years that it's better to let them be distrustful and learn on their own that you're not one to screw them over"

This is incredibly unwise. If they are distrustful of you for no reason, and snoop through your stuff, IT DOES NOT MATTER THAT THEY WON'T FIND ANYTHING. It doesn't matter that you have nothing to hide. All that matters is that they have trust issues.

Quote :

"You'd be hard pressed to find anyone who thinks that isn't grounds for dumpage"

Apparently, cddweller thinks it isn't -- perhaps she's just desperate.

5/26/2009 10:11:06 AM

Quote :

"You shouldn't be fighting that battle. "

That's my whole point...go with the flow and don't fight. You and I disagree on the fact that rather than fighting to gain someone's trust, you should dissolve the relationship if there is distrust. I think if they distrust you but you two want to give it a shot and learn and grow together, there should be a level of understanding and forgiveness.

Quote :

"Apparently, cddweller thinks it isn't -- perhaps she's just desperate."

Yeah, that's what it is... I'm speaking from personal experience with men who have trouble opening up/trusting. If you're going to troll me we can derail, but I'll probably not post anymore because it's kinda old.

5/26/2009 10:11:24 AM

Quote :

"her mom actually used to have them hop in the car and go snoop around town for her boyfriends when she was suspicious they may be up to something"

Wow, that is sad. That is almost child abuse.

Quote :

"doing so was a violation of trust and that violating that trust was just as bad a violation of what they were trying to find."

Exactly

5/26/2009 10:14:25 AM

Quote :

"Wow, that is sad. That is almost child abuse."

Really?

5/26/2009 10:24:02 AM

Everybody knows there must be 50 ways to leave your lover.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5--Sje98jI

5/26/2009 10:24:06 AM

^^
Yes, really.

"OK KIDS, REMEMBER: DON'T EVER TRUST ANYONE, EVEN THOSE YOU LOVE. ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION? WHAT DID I SAY?"
"NEVER TRUST ANYONE...."
"INCLUDING???"
"EVEN THOSE YOU LOVE...."
"VERY GOOD. NOW WHO WANTS MCDONALDS?"


Yes, really.

[Edited on May 26, 2009 at 10:30 AM. Reason : ]

5/26/2009 10:27:08 AM

I don't think it's grounds for breaking up, depending on the circumstances. If it was to find something, you need to have a serious talk. However, believe it or not, there are people out there who just like to look through things (like me). For example, I'll go through my bf's phone, not to find anything (hell, I know I won't find anything) but only because I'm just curious and like looking at people's stuff. [Sidebar, I'm not sneaky about it, I'll do it in front of him and be honest when he asks what I'm doing] I like going through my friend's purses (with their permission of course) just because I like exploring I guess you could say. It has nothing to do with trust issues, I don't really know how to explain it other than I'm just curious as to what's going on.

I will admit though that I have snooped before and was trying to look for something. I will never do that again.. I felt awful and realized (back then) that I had some pretty serious trust issues. I think what's worse than finding something incriminating against your significant other is NOT finding anything and realizing you totally disrespected them.

5/26/2009 10:30:31 AM

^^I just thought the term child abuse was a really aggressive description of teaching your children poor relationship skills (which at the driving age, they should be able to independently formulate their own relationship skills anyway).

[Edited on May 26, 2009 at 10:33 AM. Reason : ^^]

5/26/2009 10:32:43 AM

i too snooped and felt guilty. though i found something. i found a lot of things.

5/26/2009 10:34:40 AM

TRUST NO ONE.

5/26/2009 10:35:42 AM

^4 so basically you're just nosey. thats entirely different than the topic at hand and while I don't find nosiness particularly attractive its not a reason why i would dump someone.

^3 child abuse isn't far off the mark, IMO. its a matter of what is being abused and the psyche's of her and her sister as well as other critical parts of their development were damaged. its definitely a twisted situation and now that my girlfriend is older and wiser her mother's relationship with her suffers greatly because of the things of that nature she put them through.

5/26/2009 10:40:58 AM

at the time i basically knew the way things were going. so it was going to end regardless. wasn't aware that the other guy was married though. that was the most surprising part.

5/26/2009 10:41:37 AM

^^^ My AIM SN has spoken the truth since 1994.

And yeah, I would not put up with this. Serious trust issues and violation of personal space and property.

[Edited on May 26, 2009 at 10:44 AM. Reason : ^]

5/26/2009 10:42:04 AM

^3 Some would consider it "snooping" (bc of the going through phone messages and emails part) which is why I wrote it. Besides, I know it's not a strong point of mine but I'm also not afraid to admit my faults, so no reason to be an ass about it.

^2 I'm sorry to hear that She's a bitch.

5/26/2009 10:45:16 AM

i am also nosy (like samwise!) but i TRY hard keep it under wraps. i get curious but i know that i need to respect people's boundaries

i also love gossip. i don't love TO gossip (like spreading gossip) but i like when people just offer up information to me. i don't want to be involved in it but i am interested in the lives of other people (that i know, not like the life of paris hilton).

my boyfriend and i are pretty open. while i wouldn't want him going behind my back constantly looking through my phone/email, if he wants to see it i'll show him because i'm not hiding anything and it is all pretty boring. but i think he knows that and doesn't care about seeing it.

i on the other hand have definitely asked who he was texting or what they were talking about before only to find out that it was even more boring than i am. "dude did you see that dunk" "yea man it was sweet"

i just don't care because i'm not hiding anything and neither is he. but i think if either one of us was CONSTANTLY going behind the other's back to read texts/emails, something would need to be done. but we've dated almost 4 years and that hasn't happened. we have the same group of friends so when he texts i'm like "who are you texting, what are they doing, can you ask them if they are coming out on friday" or whatever. he does the same thing to me when i text "what are you friends doing tonight?" but yes, this is different than snooping.

i dunno. i've just never been in a relationship where i was snooped on or where i ever considered snooping. i'm a little crazy but i'm not a psychopath.

although one time when i was drunk i was convinced my boyfriend was cheating on me because i found a miniature bowling pin on the floor of his room (it was from like a happy meal or something). we laugh about it when we see it because he's like "oh yea i'm cheating on you with a girl who brought over a miniature bowling set." but that is neither here nor there. drunk and stupid is something that rears its head in every relationship at some point haha. i mean it didn't even turn into an argument because he was just laughing at me while i was genuinely upset over a miniature bowling pin.

yes, i realize i confessed to this right after i said that i'm not a psychopath. i'm really not. i'm just odd.

[Edited on May 26, 2009 at 10:58 AM. Reason : .]

5/26/2009 10:57:12 AM

i wasn't being an ass at all or even remotely close to rude. i was actually defending you. i said that what you are doing isn't the distasteful act which has been discussed here. i didn't even berate your faults. i don't see why you're being so sensitive.

5/26/2009 10:59:22 AM

Samwise16 makes a good point about it being mere nosiness or non-sexual voyeurism, and not snooping... but it's hard to draw the line. Some dictionaries have "snoopiness" as a synonym of "nosiness".

Also, there are people like khcadwal, who admit to both being nosy, and loving to hear gossip. The real danger is when you combine being nosy with loving to spread gossip.

On an unrelated note: Gossip is a weird word.

Quote :

"I just thought the term child abuse was a really aggressive description of teaching your children poor relationship skills"

Well, I did say that it is "almost child abuse"....

[Edited on May 26, 2009 at 11:06 AM. Reason : ]

5/26/2009 11:04:34 AM

^ Sorry, just took it the wrong way then I guess I guess I was just trying to point out some people can take nosiness as truly snooping.. I appreciate the defending then, hah.

^2 I, too, ask who is texting. I can't stand being out of the loop!

5/26/2009 11:06:01 AM

I would ask her why she was doing it. Sounds like she does not trust her boyfriend.

5/26/2009 11:07:29 AM

being nosy is definitely a bad habit

i have gotten in trouble for it, but i agree, it isn't (necessarily) grounds for breaking up

i like to flip the tables around (well my boyfriend likes to do it for me) and ask that if i were in someone else's position, would i want someone constantly "nosing" me (yes nosing is a term that has been created especially for my bad habit). and the answer is obviously no. so i try to behave myself. and i've gotten a lot better. one good thing about relationships is that they can help break habits like that. but, the trust stuff is a little bigger than just pestering people with 1000 questions about their lives ("when did you wake up?" "what did you eat for lunch" "why did your mom call you?"). my boyfriend can just tell me "babe, you're being nosy" and i'm like "oh sorry" and then i stop. sometimes i don't realize when i'm being overly nosy. it has definitely helped me learn to respect other people's boundaries. because i am not annoyed by people wanting to know all about me, but i have realized that other people are not the same way haha

i think my answer is ultimately, it depends. if someone was going behind my back and creeping, it would totally depend on the circumstances, how many times it had happened, and if we had already had a discussion about it. i know people have trust issues and i think a good relationship could help "cure" them, but i don't know...not everyone wants a project with their relationship.

oh and on the gossip side, it is hard to draw the line as well. i don't know when i am gossiping and when i am just discussing or expressing concern for a friend to another friend. like if a friend is having a problem and i am discussing it with another friend (who already is aware of the situation) and we are wondering how to help the friend in question, is THAT gossip? i suppose it is on some level.

but no, i don't like spreading gossip (unless the above example is "spreading"). but i don't mind stories that are like "omg did you hear what happened to jenny last night? she totally went home with so and so" and then i'll be like "omg what was she thinking" or "yay i really liked him! lets call her to find out what is happening"

[Edited on May 26, 2009 at 11:15 AM. Reason : .]

5/26/2009 11:12:17 AM

Quote :

"i don't know when i am gossiping and when i am just discussing or expressing concern for a friend to another friend."

to me gossiping is when you're spreading information for no other reason than to spread information and potentially for the added benefit of seeing the other person's reaction when you tell them. If people do not need to know what it is you are telling them, then you're likely just gossiping. I don't discuss anything that doesn't directly involve the person with whom i'm speaking and if it does it is usually for the purposes of reaching some sort of solution or consensus on a course of action moving forward rather than secretly discuss what someone else is doing or thinking.

5/26/2009 11:35:07 AM

its funny how people snoop to be reassured. sure, some people find out bad things while snooping, like they are being cheated on.

however, cheaters are sometimes like stupid criminals. they'll end up telling on themselves somehow. even after a break up. its almost like a secret they want found out, so they do shit that makes the revelation easier to figure out.

5/26/2009 11:35:17 AM

i've only done it once... but i had very, very good intelligence that led me to believe something was up. and, indeed, there was.

that doesn't mean i didn't feel horrible about doing it, though.

sometimes it's better if you just don't know.

5/26/2009 11:42:33 AM

Quote :

"I had a girlfriend once that wanted to see my wallet and everything in it -- but she asked openly and I was there to supervise, so I let her.... but still I remember thinking it was kinda weird."

Really?? That has never even crossed my mind. I ask most guys I date if I can look through their wallet (supervised clearly) not for the sake of snooping but because im really curious what they have in there. Its fun because you learn a little about their personality. Is that still considered weird/ sketchy?

5/26/2009 11:45:27 AM

It's pretty weird.

5/26/2009 11:52:58 AM