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 Message Boards » » I am starting to feel like a drivethru. Page [1]  
ShawnaC123
2019 Egg Champ
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http://kimberly-emero.livejournal.com/17187.html

7/13/2009 7:30:07 PM

BubbleBobble
BACK IN DA HIGH LIFE
115370 Posts
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oh, I'd....

do something or another sexually to you

7/13/2009 7:30:28 PM

MitsuMtnASU
All American
2346 Posts
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^^ i really don't have the attention span to read all that

could you draft a synopsis plz?

kthnx

7/13/2009 7:31:45 PM

BigMan157
no u
103362 Posts
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girl, i'd order off your value menu

7/13/2009 7:32:06 PM

chembob
Yankee Cowboy
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How can I do that if my mind fights to keep me from thinking of what I did and who I was back then. So this is where I face my past and just lay it all out.

I first Kissed (french kiss)Michael when I was 14. He was the first person I ever kissed. We had "basement activities" (petting)back then too same time period. He was the only person to touch me like that. I first cheated on him when I was 15 at a weekend church conference thing. Mike could not go. I kissed Fran (now the why, I didnt like him and wasnt attracted to him. But I had not ever kissed anyone but Mike before that and he had kissed several girls so I was curious if it was the same or different. Fran was willing so I let him. In retrospect it was STUPID) When Fran told him I lied (first time to mike) and told him that never happened and told him I danced with a few people. I remember being so scared he would find out and dump me. But he believed me with no questions. I could not believe it. No one had ever trusted me like that before. That was the first indiscretion that I had. Yes, I believe that kissing someone when you are dating someone else is a betrayal of trust and the relationship. I didnt always believe that I used to think that it was no big deal. I was young and stupid at that time.

The next indiscretion... was when I was 16 and Mike had been gone for the longest time. His parents were trying to separate us. Then Leslie told me they were moving out of town forever. I was very sad and then I stopped going to church (since I was only there for Mike) At this point I figured Mike and I were over. I started hanging out with a different crowd in my neighborhood. The kids were 14 and 15. There was a guy named Brian that I had a crush on. He would pull my hair and seemed to like me. We were just friends though. We ended up being good friends at least. He had a friend named Mike Gesin (he was dating a 38 yr old woman) he was rude, obnoxious and only so so looking. But I kinda liked him. My mom was driving me nuts and we were fighting all the time. All she ever cared about was my virtue staying in tact. So I was trying to make her stop and I decided to just lose my virginity and be done with the arguing about it forever. So I was planning on sleeping (why is it called that) with Billy Hamilton (very cute guy as I recall) but he scared me. He went to fast for me. He was kissing me and then all over me and I ran. (smart move there) Then there was a party and Gesin said something about "getting laid" and I said some smart comment back about being easy. And he said then lets go. So I went into a room with him and a condom. He was more careful and slower and much sweeter than I expected. Then I was no longer a virgin (first of many huge mistakes that I would take back if I could) I cried that night I was incredibly sad. Which would only get worse with time. ( I felt like I was drowning) Gesin told everyone that he was drunk and didnt remember sleeping with me. So I was crying again ( I was forgettable) Billy offered to "test drive" me and see if I was forgettable or if Gesin was just an ass. So I agreed (not like it mattered anymore I was spoiled goods anyway) It was awful and all I thought about was when would this be over. Afterwards Billy said I was not forgettable and that it was lots of fun (dont know where he was) and he would like to do that again. I said No I was fine and it wouldnt be happening again. At the time I didnt know but found out later that Gesin and Billy then entered into a bet to see who could one up the other with me. So they both proceeded to try and nail me whenever they could. I was not giving in so easy anymore. I turned them both down for awhile.

7/13/2009 7:33:10 PM

chembob
Yankee Cowboy
27012 Posts
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Then Gesin and I had another moment.. He made me believe that I was beautiful and desireable and that he was falling in love with me. HA is all I have to say to any of that. He just wanted to get some. The whole time I was thinking sex was an awful thing. It was not fun or romantic. It was messy and uncomfortable and not at all satisfying. Then Billy tried again. I started to let him he got in a few strokes and then he wanted to switch positions and I was like yea I am done. I need to go home. I just cant do this anymore. I went home and spent the whole weekend crying. My mom decided I should go hang out and do something. I think she was worried about me. I hated myself and my life and did not know how to change anything. I ran into Mike (the sweet boy from church who I thought was gone forever) He told me he left home and was living with Chris Morris. I was like wow. I invited him over to my house for dinner. But then I thought oh no I am damaged goods now I am not sweet or innocent anymore. I gave away my virtue. Once I told him he would be done with me. I cried again. My mom told me to just have dinner and see what happened. You never know what could happen. I waited and we had a great dinner and My mom invited him to live there. I was excited. I did tell him that I had had sex already but didnt tell him anything specific and told him I couldnt be faithful to him but would like to also be with him (I was scared he would not want me otherwise) He agreed. The first time was different somehow. It was really short but he held me differently and was scared to hurt me. He really loved me. I dont think I truly believed that at the time or even much later. I dont know that I ever really believed that he loved me that anyone could love me. Mike and I were always having sex. I would go hang out with my friends and he would wait for me to come home. The guys didnt know why I wouldnt sleep with them anymore and I didnt volunteer the info. Brian and I were still friends and he told me he kinda liked me and wanted to sleep with me. I figured it was ok but then during the encounter I found myself wondering what I was doing. I didnt want anyone but Mike. I had been so very stupid. I apologized and left before he was finished. I went home to Mike and we made love. I wanted to tell him but he started crying saying how he couldnt stand sharing me anymore. I apologized and told him he didnt have to share me again. I didnt tell him about the encounter with brian for the longest time. ( almost a decade) I didnt sleep with anyone ( I wont lie now I thought about it a few times) for awhile. I did see Billy once when I was pregnant with Jon and he kissed (more of a peck, no tongue involved) me but there was nothing and I wasnt interested and I told him so. I was with mike through the years and yes I lied about the stupid everyday crap. I never wanted to make him mad. I lied to make my life easier. Then came the decision to move to utah. I really wanted to go and start a new adventure with Mike but something held me in Auburn, NY. I dont know what really I was not truly happy there. Then I was a royal pain in the butt on the way to Utah (the first time) I dont know how anyone dealt with me let alone Mike. but the whole time he was sweet and supportive. While I piled crap on him over and over and over. Till I ran home to Auburn with the boys. (HUGE MISTAKE here) I was miserable but he eventually came home and he was miserable so I told him we could go again. I let him take Jon (we agreed that was to ensure I came as promised) I stayed becoming more and more lost and drowning again. I was an idiot and slept with one of Matts friends. I dont know his name anymore even. It was the same as before it felt soooo completely wrong and messed me up ( I started using drugs all the time) I started talking to fran but nothing happened with him at that time. He tried but I didnt at that time. Mike came and fetched me. I told mike what I did and tried to leave him but he was my home. He was where I felt safe and loved and like i could be a good person despite my own stupidity. Mike took me to utah and things were not so bad. I did call fran alot talking about my feelings (which I should have been telling my husband) I went back to Auburn again. (I was such an IDIOT) I wanted to stay I almost did stay. Mike left and I went out to chase him but he was gone and I had no clue where to. So I left this time I went back to Auburn and lived with my brother another mistake. Things were out of control there. I was drinking and using more and more drugs. (marijuana) I did sleep with fran once at this time. Then Mike came back. ( I never expected him to do this) . Things were incredible for awhile. I had no idea to tell him what happened . I felt stupid. Things had gotten so out of control. Then there were lie after lie about everything. I tried to stop but it felt like it was all crumbling down around me. I deserved to be left and Mike deserved better. I was no good. I never had been. I ended up pregnant. I had no idea who the father was. Mike left and I tried to pickup the pieces of myself to carry on. It sucked and it almost killed me but I did it. Mike moved on with someone new and I worked on me. I did make some progress. Then I had the baby and decided I couldnt keep it. I gave her up. Mike came around at that time and wanted to be with me. We decided to leave for Utah again. This time knowing we would still get divorced. But we slept together all the time. This time it was me that cried during sex because for the first time ever the encounters with mike felt like the others. There was no love there anymore. I had lost him. Then he decided he wanted to try again but guess what I had given the baby to my mother without mike knowing. I lied to him and kept it from him. I did tell him but it was too little too late. I agreed to divorce him and go and fix what I did. While going for the divorce I got pregnant with Claire. Mike was pissed at the time. He felt trapped but I didnt want him to feel that way. I fixed the problems with Aimee. Mike said he wanted me to come home to him and our kids. So I did. Things seemed ok for 3 weeks. Then mike was seeing inez and he wanted me out. The church helped me get out but in the same complex to be close to the boys. Mike and I were sleeping together while he was also with Inez. I felt awful all the time. But I knew someday it would work out. And it did eventually. He stopped and was with only me. We moved in together and then we had Claire. Mike stayed home and I kept working. We bought the trailer. I had not lied since the Aimee fiasco. I was honest and made sure to be a good person. Then one day I came home and Shambry was there with Mike. He stood up and said he was in love with her. I dont know if that was the truth or not but it was the worst thing to happen to me. Not only betrayed by the man who I was working so hard to deserve but also by a family member and friend (or so I had thought) Then I fell back on what I know and started to see a married man, sal. I have been with 7 men at this point and I am starting to feel like a drivethru. I have only been in love with Mike and now with Sal. So what does that say about me? I am messed up and wish I could change my past but plan on not repeating history.

I always believed Mike and I were like Josh and Reva in GL. No matter what we would find our way back to each other, but in real life it doesnt work like that. The hurt you inflict stays with the person you hurt forever. Sometimes sorry doesnt always make it better. Some things can not be forgiven or forgotten.

I am done tripping but I may revisit this topic in the future. The history we remember helps us to make the right choices in the future.

7/13/2009 7:33:34 PM

MitsuMtnASU
All American
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geezus... like i said. TOO MUCH TO READ!

7/13/2009 7:35:21 PM

Rockster
All American
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7/14/2009 5:03:49 AM

ShawnaC123
2019 Egg Champ
46681 Posts
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You guys should read it. It's pure crazy.

7/14/2009 6:23:33 AM

 Message Boards » Chit Chat » I am starting to feel like a drivethru. Page [1]  
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