by monogamy. I don't understand it.
I've asked one friend to try to explain to me, and it still made no sense.

So, TWW, I ask you for help.

8/6/2009 6:02:17 PM

die

jk

but you still suck

8/6/2009 6:03:05 PM

For some reason, people are insecure or something, and therefore they feel they need to be an exclusive sexual partner.
I don't really get it, either.
My idea of a perfect wife, a women to start a family and grow old with, entails us both having our own lovers on the side.
"Hi honey, have you met my new lover, Tina? She used to work at the same coffee shop as your old lover Wesley."

8/6/2009 6:05:34 PM

jealousy

8/6/2009 6:06:10 PM

Before it was because of diseases and pregnancy. It still seems like seeing other people naked and petting would be ok. I'd be cool with that if she was. haha.

8/6/2009 6:07:29 PM

Quote :

"My idea of a perfect wife, a women to start a family and grow old with, entails us both having our own lovers on the side."

willy nilly with the lols again. you guys are lagging way behind him latley

8/6/2009 6:12:50 PM

for the bible tells me so

8/6/2009 6:13:28 PM

And monogamy in other religions/populations?

8/6/2009 6:15:14 PM

jealousy
sense of ownership
insecurity
etc.

[Edited on August 6, 2009 at 6:16 PM. Reason : why are some other animals monogamous?]

different strokes for different folks. you're not a douche until you start looking down upon others simply because they think differently from you.

[Edited on August 6, 2009 at 6:17 PM. Reason : afds]

8/6/2009 6:16:07 PM

Insecurity, I "get"
Jealousy, I don't.
Ownership...I don't get it, as it applies here. One doesn't own their partner any less because the relationship isn't monogamous.

8/6/2009 6:19:36 PM

Quote :

"willy nilly with the lols again"

I wasn't trying to be funny. Does the idea of a lifetime-committed couple practicing polyamory seem funny to you?

8/6/2009 6:20:46 PM

i'm not saying those are valid reasons. i'm just saying those are reasons people might feel that a relationship should be monogamous.

humans are very strange creatures

8/6/2009 6:20:52 PM

Quote :

"i'm just saying those are reasons people might feel that a relationship should be monogamous."

Right.

The same reasons that, if I understood, would help me understand why monogamy is so common.

8/6/2009 6:21:43 PM

if you wanna understand why people do some of the things they do, you're gonna end up very disappointed.

8/6/2009 6:22:55 PM

Hush your mouth.

8/6/2009 6:23:10 PM

that's what my gf tells me when i'm right, too.

[Edited on August 6, 2009 at 6:24 PM. Reason : I SEES A PATTERN]

8/6/2009 6:23:46 PM

When I'm with a girl (dating, sexing, whatever), I like to give all of myself to her. I don't have enough attention to be passed around.

8/6/2009 6:25:15 PM

Asking a question like this is like asking why you hold certain beliefs or why your favorite color is green.

Your friend probably has no idea what your problem is with understanding monogamy.

8/6/2009 6:25:36 PM

its interesting people have cited insecurity

i consider it a matter of respect. if you dont want a monogamous relationship, here is a hint.. don't get into one in the first place

then everyone is happy

8/6/2009 6:26:11 PM

^^she gets it

[Edited on August 6, 2009 at 6:26 PM. Reason : ^she does not]

[Edited on August 6, 2009 at 6:30 PM. Reason : actually, i misread the first time. i don't have a problem with that^]

8/6/2009 6:26:11 PM

^, ^^ word.


^wait wut?--

[Edited on August 6, 2009 at 6:28 PM. Reason : --]

8/6/2009 6:26:52 PM

"monogamy is the reproductive strategy of the non-alpha male"

~my anthropology prof

8/6/2009 6:28:14 PM

Quote :

"that's what my gf tells me when i'm right, too. "

Quote :

"Asking a question like this is like asking why you hold certain beliefs"

And sometimes, answers to that can be had.

Quote :

"Your friend probably has no idea what your problem is with understanding monogamy."

I think she had at least a decent grasp. (Ehe ) I wouldn't be surprised if she posts.

Quote :

"When I'm with a girl (dating, sexing, whatever), I like to give all of myself to her. I don't have enough attention to be passed around."

That, I get. And well.

Quote :

"its interesting people have cited insecurity "

Interesting, but a reasonable and expected explanation. Hell, see postsecret from this past sunday

8/6/2009 6:29:42 PM

it's because for many people sex entails an emotional connection, not just a physical one. and those emotions lead to problems in the "main" relationship.

8/6/2009 6:31:10 PM

Quote :

"it's because for many people sex entails an emotional connection, not just a physical one."

8/6/2009 6:32:38 PM

nerdchick is so smart

8/6/2009 6:33:08 PM

Quote :

"it's because for many people sex entails an emotional connection, not just a physical one."

So?

Quote :

"and those emotions lead to problems in the "main" relationship."

You mean like jealousy?

8/6/2009 6:33:57 PM

youre not normal i wouldnt expect you to understand

8/6/2009 6:34:56 PM

^^seriously?

what's wrong with an emotional base for sex?

don't venture in lewoods territory.

[Edited on August 6, 2009 at 6:35 PM. Reason : sex.]

8/6/2009 6:35:11 PM

i think xtine would probably be the first to tell you she's not "normal"

8/6/2009 6:36:20 PM

Quote :

"what's wrong with an emotional base for sex?"

Nothing at all.
But that's not an explanation that helps to explain monogamy. me understand monogamy.

^No, because I like to avoid stating the painfully obvious

[Edited on August 6, 2009 at 6:36 PM. Reason : sd]

[Edited on August 6, 2009 at 6:37 PM. Reason : fd]

8/6/2009 6:36:36 PM

Xtine, if you didn't want to be monogamous, why did you get married. The thing here is you could have the same commitment just not legally bound to one another if that is what you and he want to do.
I do it bc I want to just love him, for my sanity and also to hold myself to a christian standard.

I just know of one other person that has a lover on the side and they are the most miserable people I know. Things got too complicated for him and her. You could be different. I do think it is more of a "to each his own" kind of thing if religion is not involved. I just know it would completely wear me out to have to think of more than Ken. To please more than one person in that aspect is not what I choose to do with my body, emotions, and reactions. Honestly, I do find other people appealing but for him to just be committed to me and me to him is an exciting challenge.

IMO

8/6/2009 6:37:32 PM

Quote :

"if you wanna understand why people do some of the things they do, you're gonna end up very disappointed."

8/6/2009 6:37:46 PM

sure it is:

'When I'm with a girl (dating, sexing, whatever), I like to give all of myself to her. I don't have enough attention to be passed around.'

that sounds like a strong emotional connection.


also, on: 'Xtine, if you didn't want to be monogamous, why did you get married.'

Maybe to elicit more responses from the swinger crowd? lol

8/6/2009 6:37:55 PM

Quote :

"help me understand why monogamy is so common"

Because society is slow to change in some respects.
Why is it that gender roles aren't more varied? Because for a long time, every guy was supposed to be masculine, and every girl was supposed to be feminine. Only recently have some women begun to "put on the pants", play sports, become leaders, etc., and even fewer men have been able to "put on an apron", raise kids, do the grocery shopping, etc. Why? No good reason, other than the old way is seen by many as the only way, so men and women that assume non-traditional gender roles are viewed as wrong, homosexual, or mentally ill -- even though they aren't.

Quote :

"it's because for many people sex entails an emotional connection, not just a physical one. and those emotions lead to problems in the "main" relationship"

So? What's wrong with having emotions with your lover? Can't you have emotions with a best friend?

Quote :

"'When I'm with a girl (dating, sexing, whatever), I like to give all of myself to her. I don't have enough attention to be passed around.' that sounds like a strong emotional connection."

Not necessarily, and even if..so what? That's really more about time and attention -- similar to why people don't have 500 close friends.

(fuck, this thread is exploding)

[Edited on August 6, 2009 at 6:46 PM. Reason : ]

8/6/2009 6:38:35 PM

HEY LOOK, ANOTHER THREAD FOR AMBROSIA TO TELL US WHAT SHE THINKS AND HOW SHE IS SO UNIQUE

8/6/2009 6:39:57 PM

hey look, another thread for pooljobs to skip over

[Edited on August 6, 2009 at 6:40 PM. Reason : oh, wait, but he won't]

8/6/2009 6:40:35 PM

I do think this is a great thread, xtine. I tend to really like your threads. ADD TO MY TOPICS.

8/6/2009 6:41:23 PM

I don't want some others dude's dick in the vag i'm putting my dick in, esp. if I'm also lickin that vag on the regular.

[Edited on August 6, 2009 at 6:43 PM. Reason : more clear]

8/6/2009 6:42:52 PM

i know this isnt the answer anyone else wants to hear and they will probably say im naive, but here goes...

i have always dreamed about my "prince charming" and i know now that love is not a fairy tale, but i still really just want to find a man that makes me happy and that i wanna spend the rest of my life with.

having lots of partners is fine and good, but it gets old when you would just rather find someone so special that you would rather come home to see them every day instead of someone different intermittently.

8/6/2009 6:43:26 PM

Quote :

"Xtine, if you didn't want to be monogamous, why did you get married."

1) I wasn't meaning for this thread to be about my life, dear
2) I'll answer anyways: because there are so many rights afforded by marriage. Because, for better or worse, the social "validity" of a relationship is tied to marriage. Because there is something special in calling him my husband.

Quote :

"The thing here is you could have the same commitment just not legally bound to one another if that is what you and he want to do. "

It's kind of funny, how often we go "man, it's just like before"

Quote :

"I do think it is more of a "to each his own" kind of thing if religion is not involved"

And it's the 'each his own' part I'm trying to understand.

Quote :

"that sounds like a strong emotional connection."

And...?
Where's the explanation of/for monogamy that applies to more than the individual? The reason I don't fully understand from where he is coming is that affection, attention, and other energies given from one person to another in relationships is not a limited resource. Time definitely is, but affection (which I'm using in lieu of attention, as that's how it's so often manifested) is not.

Quote :

"[Edited on August 6, 2009 at 6:40 PM. Reason : oh, wait, but he won't"

Quote :

"I don't want some others dude's dick in the vag i'm putting my dick in, esp. if I'm also lickin that vag on the regular. "

So not just possessiveness, but territorial behavior.

Quote :

"i have always dreamed about my "prince charming" and i know now that love is not a fairy tale, but i still really just want to find a man that makes me happy and that i wanna spend the rest of my life with."

So? Why can't you have more than one?
Because of this?

Quote :

"having lots of partners is fine and good, but it gets old when you would just rather find someone so special that you would rather come home to see them every day instead of someone different intermittently."

You can arrange your life to avoid this. To, perhaps, have two Prince Charmings.


[Edited on August 6, 2009 at 6:47 PM. Reason : fd]

8/6/2009 6:47:15 PM

^i just want to be his only one and i want him to be my only one. to me, there is just something really special in knowing you're the only person that makes your lover happy and you're the only one they want to be with.

[Edited on August 6, 2009 at 6:51 PM. Reason : but monogamy isnt for everyone...i mean im sure there are lots of people who want multiple partners]

8/6/2009 6:49:37 PM

Quote :

" but i still really just want to find a man that makes me happy and that i wanna spend the rest of my life with. having lots of partners is fine and good, but it gets old when you would just rather find someone so special that you would rather come home to see them every day instead of someone different intermittently."

You can have someone so special that you come home to every day, grow old with, stay committed to your whole life -- but still have sex with others...

8/6/2009 6:50:57 PM

Quote :

"the social "validity" of a relationship is tied to marriage"

yep, and i hate that it's this way.

YOU CAN ONLY BE TRULY COMMITTED IF SHE GETS TO TAKE HALF YOUR SHIT WHEN YOU FUCK UP

8/6/2009 6:51:04 PM

^

8/6/2009 6:51:40 PM

but i wouldn't want to be that intimate with other guys if i was that much in love

8/6/2009 6:52:33 PM

Let me project an image of aloof coolness by acting like I don't understand a common social phenomenon.

8/6/2009 6:54:35 PM

hahaha frosh with them lols

as usual

8/6/2009 6:55:08 PM

^^^
But you can sex without intimacy. Intimacy is actually non-sexual.
When you cuddle your child or pet -- that is intimacy.

8/6/2009 7:11:24 PM

set em up

8/6/2009 7:11:46 PM