You're a college graduate, you've got a career making good money, and you're dating a guy (hell, maybe you married a guy) who is working a $10/hr dead-end job with no hopes of ever doing something with his life. Maybe he went to college, maybe he didn't. The point is, he's mid to late 20s, maybe even early 30s, he's working a shit job, and you're bringing home the bacon.

Is "love" really enough to sustain this kind of financial burden? What happens if you want to have children? The breadwinner can't exactly take off work for a few months to care for a newborn.

Ladies, could you live and be happy in the kind of relationship where you alone make the money that pays all the bills?

8/9/2009 6:33:05 PM

ummm. well the situation you described seems too extreme for me; however, if we both had careers, and mine was just better and we made enough money to live comfortably without him working and he wanted to be a stay at home dad, i'd be cool with that.

8/9/2009 6:34:26 PM

why do you make threads like this when it isn't about your situation

are you collecting information for your novel

8/9/2009 6:34:34 PM

i may be able to date a freeloader for a while...

but i couldn't marry one

8/9/2009 6:34:38 PM

i wouldn't want to marry a freeloader either

but i wouldn't mind if their career was like writing or something that they really loved and just didn't make AS much money. i think it would depend. i see too many variables here

8/9/2009 6:35:30 PM

Quote :

"why do you make threads like this when it isn't about your situation are you collecting information for your novel"

when i make these kinds of threads, it's always an extension of something in my life. as it stands with this particular situation, let's just say i have a few friends...

Quote :

"i see too many variables here"

haha i tried to give the bare minimum of details without telling you their life story, while still conveying the information necessary to maybe form an opinion

[Edited on August 9, 2009 at 6:37 PM. Reason : .]

8/9/2009 6:35:50 PM

are you looking for girls to hook Ragged up with?

8/9/2009 6:36:50 PM

at least he is contributing , he could be a useless stay at home parent

8/9/2009 6:37:01 PM

^^i LOL'd. i'm sorry for LOL'ing.

8/9/2009 6:38:03 PM

ragged is single?

i think that the no motivation / hopes of achieving more than a dead end job would be what killed it for me. whatever someone does i want them to do with with passion and be motivated to strive for better, even if they don't get there. i think passive acceptance of a below average lifestyle would be the most annoying to me.

8/9/2009 6:38:20 PM

no idea just being an ass

[Edited on August 9, 2009 at 6:39 PM. Reason : reposted over a min later? wtf?]

8/9/2009 6:38:43 PM

i get the feeling this particular person is perfectly happy with his wife supporting him.

8/9/2009 6:39:03 PM

ha, good question

In this area, I have actually seen this situation (reversed of course) quite often.... The guy has a career, and the woman works at CVS.

Social norms seem to be kind of isolated (or maybe not) in this area

8/9/2009 6:39:12 PM

have have more of a problem with men that have no issue being completely supported by women than with the women that have no issue with completely supporting their men....

it just seems to go against nature

8/9/2009 6:40:55 PM

Yeah see, EMCE brings up a good point. I'm sure there are TONS of families out there (relationships, marriages, whatever) where the man makes significantly more than the woman, and the woman has no desire to further her career or to better herself, because her man is there to take care of everything. That's like the epitome of the 50s and 60s. Women didn't work, they stayed home and tended house. It was expected. It was accepted.

Nowadays, if I was capable of making more money, I'd do it - even if my husband makes enough to support us. I'd work because I wanted to contribute. I wouldn't sit on my duff and let him take care of everything. I'd like to think most women wouldn't stand for that kind of behavior from a man, but who knows. This is why I asked.

8/9/2009 6:42:07 PM

No. Marry for money. Love will come later.

8/9/2009 6:42:14 PM

^^ if i married someone who made enough so that i didn't have to struggle to bring in extra $$, i'd definitely still work. i might just do something in public interest or something that didn't earn as much but that i liked to do.

but i'm pretty sure i'll make more than him if we get married so this isn't really an issue.

poor me

8/9/2009 6:44:28 PM

LP78 has a point too. It's acceptable these days for men to be breadwinners and for women to be the lesser paid person in the relationship. But turn the tables, and it just seems totally wrong. That almost seems sexist doesn't it?

8/9/2009 6:44:32 PM

well that's not what i meant...

women, by nature, need to take care of those that can't/won't so it doesn't seem as strange for a woman to completely support her man...

by the same token...men, by nature, are the protectors and providers of their families so for one to have no issue being completely supported by their woman seems to go against nature...

i'm not talking about social norms at all

8/9/2009 6:48:11 PM

I could be the breadwinner if I *had* to, but I would not ever choose to be the breadwinner. It's pressure that I was not designed to deal with. I also feel needed at home to take care of my son and my husband. I went back to work two days a week this summer -- the two days that my husband has off -- and I just could not deal with that kind of situation 5 days a week. I don't think that there is anything wrong with it, especially if he's the one who ends up staying at home with the kids. I've definitely seen it. But I couldn't do it.

8/9/2009 6:49:50 PM

^^eh, i believe its more of a social norm than wiring in the human brain.

[Edited on August 9, 2009 at 6:51 PM. Reason : arf]

8/9/2009 6:50:46 PM

i could totally do it. again not in the EXACT situation as described. but if i could do what i wanted, made enough money, and he wanted to raise kids and tend house, i'd be down.

also if men could just go ahead and HAVE the babies too, that'd be great thx

8/9/2009 6:51:51 PM

Quote :

"well that's not what i meant... women, by nature, need to take care of those that can't/won't so it doesn't seem as strange for a woman to completely support her man... by the same token...men, by nature, are the protectors and providers of their families so for one to have no issue being completely supported by their woman seems to go against nature... i'm not talking about social norms at all"

ok i see what you mean. either way, it seems perfectly understandable for either situation. obviously, a household where both people contribute almost equally is ideal.

my husband makes literally twice what i make. and that kinda bothers me, but i make good money for someone who doesn't [yet] have a degree so i'm cool with it. we live comfortably, and when it comes time for children [in the way way future] staying home with kids for awhile won't really hurt us financially.

but turn the tables. give me his salary and him mine, and i think i'd have a serious problem with it. i don't know why, i just would.

Quote :

"also if men could just go ahead and HAVE the babies too, that'd be great thx "

i'd have 3 kids if he would just birth them for me.

[Edited on August 9, 2009 at 6:53 PM. Reason : .]

8/9/2009 6:52:13 PM

Okay, so what you ladies are telling me... is that by becoming a chef, i pretty much fucked myself unless i want to move to a bigger city.

I do make more than $10/hr though, so that's a plus.

8/9/2009 6:53:49 PM

if you did all the cooking at home, i'd still take you!

8/9/2009 6:54:38 PM

Quote :

"i'd have 3 kids if he would just birth them for me."

Not if you had to raise them, you wouldn't!

8/9/2009 6:55:14 PM

Quote :

"Okay, so what you ladies are telling me... is that by becoming a chef, i pretty much fucked myself unless i want to move to a bigger city. I do make more than $10/hr though, so that's a plus."

you're adorable. you cook. you're big and strong and can beat up bad guys.

you're in.

[Edited on August 9, 2009 at 6:56 PM. Reason : .]

8/9/2009 6:55:32 PM

Mawle

You are big, hot and you can cook. That's hot.

Honestly, my best relationships have been with guys who made less than me. You can't help who you fall in love with.

8/9/2009 7:01:17 PM

8/9/2009 7:03:57 PM

too much serious in here

[Edited on August 9, 2009 at 7:04 PM. Reason : seriousness? on my wolf web?]

8/9/2009 7:04:26 PM

did you marry that guy lucy?

8/9/2009 7:09:26 PM

Any man worth his salt will bust his ass to try to provide the best he can for those he loves. It goes both ways. And it isn't restricted to only money, either.

8/9/2009 7:09:35 PM

my friend actually just moved in with a guy who's in a rather dead end job, not making a ton of money and "trying" to go back to college. unfortunately he's dyslexic and ADD so he's got all these issues to deal with.

she came to me feeling guilty for wanting him to be a little more successful, and wanting him to pull his own weight (she's buying most of the groceries, paying when they go out, etc). She's getting to the point where she's living paycheck to paycheck, and she's not used to living that way.

my advice to her is that she's not being a bad person, she just knows that there are things that she wants out of life, and going through life with a guy who can't seem to motivate himself to get through college and get a better job doesn't really fit into that right now....

(Granted they're still together, and he's still going to try to get his stuff together)


NOW if he was passionate about what he does, worked his ass off and was motivated, and still made less than her, that'd be a whole different story

8/9/2009 7:15:58 PM

I have never married and do not intend to marry.

8/9/2009 7:20:11 PM

A marriage is a partnership. If you are asking this question, then you already know the answer and are seeking confirmation, so here it is. If it's a point of contention now, it's only going eat at you more in the future. If this person isn't motivated to better themselves and their lives to at least a comparable degree that you are, then that is a fundamental conflict in values. I would speculate that perhaps this phase will pass, but once you get into the 30's you have pretty much chosen your path. If you have to push someone to change or mold them into the person you want them to be, then you are with the wrong person.

8/9/2009 7:20:47 PM

this would be a figurative 'you' right scuba? cuz this ain't about me.

but i agree with you.

8/9/2009 7:22:04 PM

Quote :

"You're a college graduate, you've got a career making good money, and you're dating a guy (hell, maybe you married a guy) who is working a $10/hr dead-end job with no hopes of ever doing something with his life. Maybe he went to college, maybe he didn't. The point is, he's mid to late 20s, maybe even early 30s, he's working a shit job, and you're bringing home the bacon. Is "love" really enough to sustain this kind of financial burden? What happens if you want to have children? The breadwinner can't exactly take off work for a few months to care for a newborn. Ladies, could you live and be happy in the kind of relationship where you alone make the money that pays all the bills?"

my problem is in bold. it doesn't matter to me who makes more but with no ambition, count me out.

8/9/2009 7:24:54 PM

Quote :

"at least he is contributing , he could be a useless stay at home parent "

who said anything about contributing? If they spend more money than they make, you can't really consider it contributing.

as thumper said earlier, I make more than twice what she makes along with having benefits that lower my monthly expenses (vehicle reimbursement, cell phone and computer provided, meals occasionally provided, etc.) we could live comfortably on my salary alone. However, her continuing to work and try to further her career and degree is what allows us to buy nicer appliances, take big vacations, go to concerts and festivals when we want, eat out occasionally, etc. It also gives us some security in knowing that if anything ever happened to me that kept me from working at the same potential, we'd still have a way of supporting ourselves.

8/9/2009 7:31:14 PM

Quote :

"i get the feeling this particular person is perfectly happy with his wife supporting him."

That would kill it for me.

If I can get my graduate degree then I'll be making more than the boyfriend, but he'll earn enough to pay his share. The whole living below your means thing helps, so I'd be making more but it'd still be equal spending. More of my money would just go into savings and investments.

8/9/2009 8:14:33 PM

no, i worked hard to get where i am. I want a motivated man. I dated a unmotivated wanderlust kind of guy.......it sucked, he couldnt go finish the 12 credit hours he needed to finish his degree.


he was the kind of guy that wanted me to bring home the bacon AND fry it up for him.......FUCK that.

and i really wouldnt want to eat his fried bacon..........he was a shitty cook.


thomas, ill bring the bacon and you can fry it up for me

if he earned more i would prefer to bank my salary as an emergency buffer, vacay fund or at least use a portion of it as my spending moola.


[Edited on August 9, 2009 at 8:24 PM. Reason : but who knows what life will throw at me]

8/9/2009 8:21:15 PM

$10 a hour. Wow, that's pretty good. I'm making 8.50 and supporting both of us ok. When my SO finds a job and if she makes more than me I really don't see the problem. As long as the bills are being paid and everybody is happy, to me, that is all that matters.

8/9/2009 8:21:31 PM

I would need to feel like we're contributing equitably in the relationship. I would kill FKJ if I came home every evening after a long day and he had spent all his time improving his Guitar Hero scores and not cleaning up the house. If he were at home all day not drawing an income but working on a book it'd be a completely different story.

8/9/2009 8:25:45 PM

Eleusis and thumper are a tdub power couple.



The issue is quality of life. If you want nice things, then you should be able to contribute. But things are just that: things. I love nice things, but they are useless without someone special to help you enjoy them.

Also, contribution can be both material and emotional.

When I dated guys who didn't make as much money as me, I still had tons of respect for them because they had careers that they were PASSIONATE about and had talent for. I could never date someone without dreams, goals and passion.

8/9/2009 9:14:00 PM

i never had a dime for years and had girlfriends basically the whole time

now that i have dimes, i dont want a girlfriend.

8/9/2009 9:18:45 PM

I will try my damnedest to bring in as much moola as I can. Even if the guy is making more than enough to cover the bills. I sort of see it as play money and who wouldn't want more of that?

8/9/2009 9:24:45 PM

heh, in a few years my wife's gonna be making at least triple what i make now.

I can't wait!

8/9/2009 9:26:33 PM

The girl I'm currently fucking makes more than I do. I would quit in an instant if she wanted to support me.

But I guess that wasn't the question to start the thread.

8/9/2009 9:28:15 PM

I wouldn't mind if my SO wanted to stay home, provided she cooked and cleaned. Not because its "her place" or whatever, but it seems only fair. It would have to be a pretty serious relationship (ie. marraige) before I let her spend my money on her own accord. Also, it would be nice if she'd spent some time taking care of herself and had an idea of what the real world is all about.

8/9/2009 9:35:44 PM

Quote :

"marriage"

Quote :

"my money"

Quote :

"idea of what the real world is all about."

wat

[Edited on August 9, 2009 at 9:45 PM. Reason : asdf]

8/9/2009 9:45:19 PM

i'm not attracted to men who have "no hopes" of moving on and doing something more than a dead end job so this would never happen to me

8/9/2009 9:47:30 PM