I've realized that this may just be the right path for me.

My take on it: Why invest all your time and energy in one person when you could invest a little in several people. Like investing money, you usually see better and more consistent returns when you have a diversified portfolio.

It also helps that I've found a large poly community. That's probably the hardest part.

7/28/2011 9:18:58 AM

Don't you make this thread like once every 6 months?

7/28/2011 9:24:23 AM

why is this in the lounge? wanting diversified dick in your portfolio is definitely a topic for chit chat.

7/28/2011 9:36:38 AM

nah, I just get out of a monogamous relationship and bitch about it every six months and say how happy I am to be single again.

7/28/2011 9:37:27 AM

Quote :

"Don't you make this thread like once every 6 months?"

if we're counting her alias, it's more like monthly.

7/28/2011 9:39:00 AM

Perhaps in OP's case, it may be better not to invest in anything at all and keep all your "cash" in your mattress.

7/28/2011 9:41:10 AM

I was hoping for more commentary on poly v monogamy, and less trolling, thus the use of the lounge

If you want to show everyone how witty you are by trolling then go back to chitchat

7/28/2011 9:41:16 AM

From what I've seen: polyamory is usually practiced by small fringe subcultures (the queer and fetish scenes for example) because of the lack of available people to date, and perhaps the emphasis in those scenes of sexuality. People either do open relationships, where both partners can date/sleep with other people, or one person exercises the option. I've more rarely seen or heard of multiple people in a committed, exclusive relationship to each other.

I think it's great that people want to break out of the monogamy dichotomy, but I think too often polyamory is used as an excuse by people who are just cruising for their next partner, and are actually serial monogamists. Ideal polyamory seems to require a great deal of intelligent thought, communication, and empathy from all involved, and I'm not sure most people are that emotionally mature to handle it.

There are also real-world concerns about how to raise children and family structure, the risk of STDs/STIs with multiple partners, living arrangements, and the emotional, financial, physical and spiritual advantages of being with one person.

7/28/2011 10:58:40 AM

I went to the wedding of a polyamorous couple once. It was quite interesting when the bride's boyfriend toasted the couple with a speech about how glad he was to be there and how thankful he is that they were willing to share their love with him. It was one of those things that all of the parents/grandparents thought was a nice speech, but those of us who were in the know understood it had a much deeper meaning. The groom's girlfriend did not attend. I think she may not have fully supported the marriage, but I don't remember for sure.

The marriage only lasted a few years though. I think at some point her boyfriend got Herpes and she refused to quit sleeping with him. Then she and her husband ended up with it. Their "love that transcends sex" seemed to slip away and it sounded like a downward spiral from there.

7/28/2011 11:30:31 AM

are you sure you're just not a slut?

7/28/2011 11:31:43 AM

everyone else is sure.

7/28/2011 11:47:06 AM

^it's called being an Ethical Slut (also the title of a book on polyamory, which is a very enlightening read).
And yes, I'm sure I'm a slut because I like sex and I like having sex with different people (though I don't like one night stands. I prefer fwb's.)

I'm not advocating against monogamy, but I think it's going to be impossible for me to find someone who meets 100% of my needs, and I actually think I may feel less jealous and more secure knowing I have several good friends w/ benefits that I can go to when I'm feeling lonely.

I've already been a serial monogamist. Monogamous relationships have always been super stressful for me because I tend to put a lot of myself into them and I end up making assumptions or having certain expectations of the other person that they don't actually ever fulfill.

As to family and monogamous benefits: half my poly friends are already happily married or in a primary relationship. I also don't want kids, so the only problem that arises is holidays w/ family and taking friends to my family's beach house.

Maybe one day I'll find a primary relationship, but I think it'd be best to get there through an open relationship process so I'm less likely to throw myself into the relationship and lose a lot of my independence like I usually do. I hope that's how it will happen anyways. Guess we'll see!


[Edited on July 28, 2011 at 12:00 PM. Reason : d]

7/28/2011 11:54:29 AM

you sound retarded and a real pain to deal with

I pity any dude who accidentally finds his way to you.

7/28/2011 12:02:41 PM

^I'm sorry you feel like you have to be a jerk. I will refrain from making assumptions about you though I know who you are and why you're acting like a jerk.

7/28/2011 12:05:41 PM

sylver, I'm in the same anti-society anti-monogamous boat as you.

BUT. I would like there to exist some of the population that prefers monogamy, and some of the population that prefers polygamy. I hate when society tries to force you into a relationship you don't want.

I can easily see myself hating polygamy when it's "the thing to do" and "you're supposed to do it"

7/28/2011 12:06:30 PM

Sounds like the diary of a scorned woman to me.

Put on your slut powder, you slut. There's enough dick for everyone.

7/28/2011 12:12:28 PM

If you're not interested in having children, I don't see why the distinction matters much anyway.

I mean, if sexual/intimate relationships were just a means to enjoying life, then sure, I'd imagine many people, maybe even most people, would find more enjoyment within a community of partners - at least for some amount of time. I think there are also a lot of people who couldn't deal with the jealousy on a sustained basis.

It makes me think of Hugh Hefner. Supposedly his 3 wives will let him mess around with anyone else... but he has to invite them. I could totally see how someone in a relationship like that would feel hurt when their partner goes around sleeping with someone else without their knowledge or consent. But yet if they're invited it's fun.

I would imagine that such relationships/communities would require a lot of attention to the emotional needs and sensitivities to the other people you've involved with. It's one thing to be enjoying a dynamic you're managed to create, but just speaking on an empathetic level, it would suck to turn around and find out that one of them is much more attached to you than you thought and was feeling hurt by your actions.

Not how I'm going to live my life, but I'll just be honest that it's fun to think about in a sitcom-like way.

[Edited on July 28, 2011 at 12:25 PM. Reason : ]

7/28/2011 12:21:09 PM

Quote :

"Monogamous relationships have always been super stressful for me because I tend to put a lot of myself into them and I end up making assumptions or having certain expectations of the other person that they don't actually ever fulfill."

So do you think having several simultaneous relationships would keep this from happening? Or would it just put you in that same situation with a couple different people at a time?

People do seem to have the mindset that their (monogamous) SO has to be their world and give them everything they need and want in life. While you obviously want someone who makes you happy and with whom you share a lot of sources of joy, there's no reason your mate in a monogamous partnership has to be your everything, period. You just need to take charge of finding fulfillment in whatever else it is you need yourself. (And yes, polyamory is one way to fill in those gaps, and if that's how you want to do it, more power to you. Just pointing out that "I don't think one person can 100% fulfill me" isn't necessarily an argument that means you're unfit for monogamous relationships.)

And you don't have to lose your independence in a monogamous relationship. You might just observing that it's what normally happens to you (and a lot of people), but if you don't want it to happen, you don't have to let it.

FTR I am not trying to dissuade you or anything, just making some observations.

7/28/2011 12:21:14 PM

Quote :

"BUT. I would like there to exist some of the population that prefers monogamy, and some of the population that prefers polygamy. I hate when society tries to force you into a relationship you don't want."

Definitely. I feel like no one talks about polyamory as an option though. It's like "Oh, you're just supposed to date one person and not cheat and get jealous and angry if they even think of another person and you have to meet all of eachothers needs and neither person should change so that you can be together forever"

I've been learning slowly over the years how many preconceived notions have been in my head and are prevalent throughout society, like the "true love is forever" notion. Yes, you can care for and love someone forever, but people change and circumstances change and 99% of people are not going to stay in love with the person they're with at that moment.

I think it boils down to, this time around, if I find someone new, I'm not going to stop seeing and sleeping with my current fwb's.



[Edited on July 28, 2011 at 12:26 PM. Reason : j]

7/28/2011 12:23:29 PM

Quote :

"My take on it: Why invest all your time and energy in one person when you could invest a little in several people. Like investing money, you usually see better and more consistent returns when you have a diversified portfolio"

That, or it's like running the first mile of 26 marathons without finishing any of them.

7/28/2011 12:24:02 PM

Quote :

"PRIDE BEFORE THE FALL"

7/28/2011 12:25:10 PM

Quote :

"I think it boils down to, this time around, if I find someone new, I'm not going to stop seeing and sleeping with my current fwb's."

There is something messed up with your wording, unless you consider yourself to be "seeing" your fwbs. If this is your situation, then how can you say you're looking for anything other than fwb? And wouldn't you be looking for a fwb who also has their own fwb, if it's really an equal you're going for? Or is it someone to invite in your network of fwbs?

Yeah I'm nosy.

7/28/2011 12:28:53 PM

Quote :

"And you don't have to lose your independence in a monogamous relationship. You might just observing that it's what normally happens to you (and a lot of people), but if you don't want it to happen, you don't have to let it. "

I've really tried not to let it happen, but it does. I think part of the problem is that I like sex so when my options are between seeing my bf and having sex with him versus seeing a friend and not having sex with them, then I usually choose the sex option. Which means I end up spending a lot of time with just one person (if doing the monogamy thing).


^I don't quite get what you're asking. I consider friends with benefits to be actually be friends. Not just fuck buddies. So seeing them may mean sex, or may mean just hanging out. Is that what you mean?

[Edited on July 28, 2011 at 12:31 PM. Reason : ff]

7/28/2011 12:30:17 PM

Quote :

"but I think too often polyamory is used as an excuse by people who are just cruising for their next partner, and are actually serial monogamists. Ideal polyamory seems to require a great deal of intelligent thought, communication, and empathy from all involved, and I'm not sure most people are that emotionally mature to handle it. There are also real-world concerns about how to raise children and family structure, the risk of STDs/STIs with multiple partners, living arrangements, and the emotional, financial, physical and spiritual advantages of being with one person."

You basically wrapped up everything that I've seen in the polyamorous community, and all the problems I have with the community stem from this. Having known several people in the "poly community", I've never seen a shred of evidence to suggest it works on the whole. Something is always going wrong. However, it was kindly pointed out to me that there's nothing wrong with that, because monogamy isn't exactly on a 100% success rate--and when I thought about it more in that sense, I saw that the difference isn't as pronounced as I thought it would be. When it comes down to it, people are still as basically ignorant to emotional, social, and physical needs as they would be in either community, so there's always going to be a large amount of fuck-ups if you look for them.

Personally, I know myself well enough to know that I could never and will never be interested in polyamory, and I would never advocate it, though I have no problems with those that think it's right for them. I do think they are obvious problems with how the poly community works in reality and how they work in theory.

Quote :

"^it's called being an Ethical Slut (also the title of a book on polyamory, which is a very enlightening read). And yes, I'm sure I'm a slut because I like sex and I like having sex with different people (though I don't like one night stands. I prefer fwb's.)"

The book is more entertaining than enlightening. It was easy for me to see the perceived advantages presented by Easton and Hardy of a poly relationship--the idea of having multiple, open sexual partners is enticing for any number of people--but I don't think they touched enough on the disadvantages in the community. No matter how you feel about the poly community, as AntiMnifesto pointed out, there are some documented factors that can contribute to it being viewed negatively not just because of it's non-traditional form, but as a potential health (physical and metal) concern.

Also, I didn't liked the notion of "reclaiming" the word slut, but it's a gimmick metaphor for the ideas in the book, so it's not super important or anything.

I did go through a period of considering if there was enough merit in the idea of polyamory for me to give it a shot. Of course this was early in college, and it was very, very sexually motivated. I had several female friends that wanted to break into the community, and it was basically an open invitation to me for a poly-relationship (we were already friends and there was plenty of sexual tension anyway)--but I decided it wasn't something I was interested. And I think that was for the better, as they turned out to just be looking for dick, and they abandoned the poly ideals within a couple of months. Obviously these girls are not an example of people actually in the poly community.

Quote :

"I'm not advocating against monogamy, but I think it's going to be impossible for me to find someone who meets 100% of my needs, and I actually think I may feel less jealous and more secure knowing I have several good friends w/ benefits that I can go to when I'm feeling lonely. I've already been a serial monogamist. Monogamous relationships have always been super stressful for me because I tend to put a lot of myself into them and I end up making assumptions or having certain expectations of the other person that they don't actually ever fulfill."

Sometimes it does seem like you're against monogamy, but I'll take your word. The thing is, from what you said here, it seems like you're focused more on the sexual benefits of a poly relationship. You keep talking about being a slut, about friends with benefits. I hardly ever hear you talk about how poly relationships meet your emotional and intellectual needs, just your sexual ones. Even The Ethical Sluts addresses matters outside of sexuality, and in my experience people who relate to polyamory more for the sexual freedom tend to, at heart, just be serial monogamists.

Quote :

"sylver, I'm in the same anti-society anti-monogamous boat as you. BUT. I would like there to exist some of the population that prefers monogamy, and some of the population that prefers polygamy. I hate when society tries to force you into a relationship you don't want. I can easily see myself hating polygamy when it's "the thing to do" and "you're supposed to do it""

See, what you said here GeniuSxBoY is what leads many people to think less of the poly community--the idea that people are doing it to be "anti-society" and that it has more to do with hating what you're "supposed to do". Frankly, that kind of stance is an insult to people who do something out of a genuine desire or passion. If you're in the poly-community as a result of just wanting to be different than what's expected of you, then are you really part of that community, are are you just trying to be different?

Not saying this is specific to you, just that it's a prevailing concern.


























...also your pizza shop should have been called "Anti-Society Polyamorous Pizza".


[Edited on July 28, 2011 at 12:41 PM. Reason : f]

7/28/2011 12:30:24 PM

if you think a few hundred short term sexual relationships can be more fulfilling than a single lasting loving relationship, you're crazy. [NEWSFLASH: yes, it takes work.]

but no hate here. have a good time!

7/28/2011 12:34:23 PM

Quote :

"Having known several people in the "poly community", I've never seen a shred of evidence to suggest it works on the whole. Something is always going wrong. However, it was kindly pointed out to me that there's nothing wrong with that, because monogamy isn't exactly on a 100% success rate--and when I thought about it more in that sense, I saw that the difference isn't as pronounced as I thought it would be. When it comes down to it, people are still as basically ignorant to emotional, social, and physical needs as they would be in either community, so there's always going to be a large amount of fuck-ups if you look for them."

Yeah, when I was first making friends with a lot of poly people, it seemed to me like there was a lot of drama going on. And there is. I think it's inevitable because there are going to be people who don't care about other people's feelings or people who don't tell the truth and there will be some just plain assholes. I'm trying to stay away from those people.
One guy I'm seeing is married with a kid and another on the way. He's also a very grounded guy, and I really like his wife as well and I've been friends with them for years, so I don't want to mess anything up between them. They're relationship will always come before their relationship with me.
The other guys I see are ex boyfriends. I've got a "been there, done that" feeling towards them-- I still care about them and I love hanging out with them and having sex w/ them but I wouldn't date them seriously again.
Finally, there's a new guy, which is the one I'm the least sure of. He is poly though and he doesn't *seem* to be a drama magnet, so I'm hoping he can help me navigate the new relationship feelings and poly stuff.
There's also a married woman i'm interested in, but its hard for me to be the aggressor, especially when it comes to women.

[Edited on July 28, 2011 at 12:42 PM. Reason : s]

7/28/2011 12:41:36 PM

when you say interested in, is it always primary sexual interests, or are you usually more interested in cultivating friendships and potential romantic feelings for the person? which one usually plays a larger role?

7/28/2011 12:45:27 PM

I'm sorry netstorm, but assumptions that I do things to be anti-societal is wrong. I do many things that "i'm supposed to do" by societal standard like "the american dream of starting a business". Then again, starting a business was still my choice. It's characterized as my freedom of choice and I can stop when I want to.

Marriage is not a choice. Marriage forces you to be monogamous. I don't need something to FORCE me to be with someone. I can be monogamous without a piece of paper telling me to. If I change my mind, that's natural. If I had a choice, I'd force myself to not change my mind, but going against your own mind is challenging, stressful, and leads to angry, resentment, abuse, etc...from your frustration of being jailed in your own decisions that you couldn't predict would turn out a certain unpleasurable way.

The divorce rate is something like 75%. I choose the same path as 75% of Americans that "change their minds" after commitment. The only difference is I get all the benefits of being monogamous without losing half my shit or dealing with a corrupt court system.

7/28/2011 12:48:01 PM

This thread is a testament to the cesspool of vice that has become modern courtship.

7/28/2011 12:49:45 PM

no, most people are not like this

7/28/2011 12:50:30 PM

^^,^
Why do you idiots care so much?

7/28/2011 12:51:13 PM

we actually kind of don't

7/28/2011 12:52:14 PM

I'd like to know where you came up with that 75% stat.

My guess would be you ass.

7/28/2011 12:52:24 PM

Quote :

"This thread is a testament to the cesspool of vice that has become is becoming modern courtship."

7/28/2011 12:52:25 PM

Quote :

"This thread is a testament to the cesspool bounty of vice options that has become modern courtship."

fixed!

Quote :

"when you say interested in, is it always primary sexual interests, or are you usually more interested in cultivating friendships and potential romantic feelings for the person? which one usually plays a larger role?"

I RARELY find a guy attractive enough that I just want to sleep with him. Usually it starts by hanging out and having a good time and then starting to wonder what their penis looks like

[Edited on July 28, 2011 at 12:57 PM. Reason : f]

7/28/2011 12:53:06 PM

Quote :

"we actually kind of don't"

Obviously it bothers you on a personal level, since you're taking the time to insult people who choose a different lifestyle than you.

7/28/2011 12:53:16 PM

no, you!

7/28/2011 12:53:35 PM

This ain't Chit Chat, dawg.

7/28/2011 12:53:58 PM

and yet, here we are

7/28/2011 12:55:54 PM

and you'll be suspended for not following the guidelines.

7/28/2011 12:57:18 PM

I don't get why you'd need to find a "community" for this or assign a term to it. Just because you have sex with someone doesn't mean you're dating. Your problem is that you fuck these guys, then keep them around.

7/28/2011 12:57:54 PM

^^ gosh, that would be a shame

7/28/2011 12:59:18 PM

Quote :

" Your problem is that you fuck these guys, then keep them around."

There's nothing wrong with that.

7/28/2011 12:59:28 PM

Quote :

"nastoute ^^ gosh, that would be a shame "

"I can quit smoking any time I want". You know you're addicted to this site don't front Mr. 30,000 post count.

[Edited on July 28, 2011 at 1:00 PM. Reason : .]

7/28/2011 1:00:05 PM

When I say "keep them around," I mean "convert them into a boyfriend."

7/28/2011 1:00:34 PM

Quote :

"When I say "keep them around," I mean "convert them into a boyfriend.""

Well, that's what most boys want and thats what the boys push for. She just says "okay".
It's dangerous because they don't know about the other guys.

But it's not like she can be open about it. There is plenty of evidence in the room.

7/28/2011 1:02:45 PM

Quote :

"I don't get why you'd need to find a "community" for this or assign a term to it. Just because you have sex with someone doesn't mean you're dating. Your problem is that you fuck these guys, then keep them around."

I'm not in it just for the sex. If I was, then I would be an expert at picking up guys at bars. As it is, I like sleeping with people I know because they're cool and I can expect the sex to be a lot better because they know me.
And you kind of do need a community for that because as we can see in this thread, a whole lot of people don't really understand polyamory.

[Edited on July 28, 2011 at 1:03 PM. Reason : ff]

7/28/2011 1:03:11 PM

you don't need a community. you just need it to be an option of the table.

"Hey do you date men?" No? Move on.


"Hey do you believe in polyamorism?" No? Move on.

7/28/2011 1:05:38 PM

^ true. But if a large group of people are all known polyamorists, its a lot easier than meeting someone randomly, getting to know and like them and then pulling out the "oh hey, btw, I'm not going to only date you"

7/28/2011 1:07:15 PM

Quote :

"I'm not advocating against monogamy, but I think it's going to be impossible for me to find someone who meets 100% of my needs"

based on this thread, i think you're right...you'll never meet someone who will put up with 100% of your crazy and you'd definitely need that to find someone willing to stay with you for life

if it makes you feel better to put it into words as if he doesn't meet your "needs," go for it

7/28/2011 1:10:01 PM