Quote :

"Dear Creepy Free Sofa, We found you on the side of the road, holding only three simple signs, all shouting "FREE!" I immediately disliked you, for reasons that were not of my then limited understanding. But I understand now. And so you must die. I can still pretend that I don't like you for the obvious reason: because you are gross. You're covered in dog hair, missing a good portion of your under-the-cushion protective padding, and stained with spots too many to categorize. Hell, when I got proactive and washed your coverings, it took three different cycles just to get the wash water to show some sign that it was, in fact, still water and not, as it often resembled, some primordial ooze. The source of my pseudo-contempt doesn't stop here, though. You might contain an ungodly and heretofore unnoticed odor. You might be the carrier of newly discovered forms of mold, bacteria and/or cancer. You might have been used as a toilet by some transient or you might have been the stomping grounds for countless generations of fraternity boy sexual depravity. You might, in fact, harbor the soul of a demon who desires nothing but my demise. And for any of that, there isn't much of a cure or any other reason to allow your continued existence in our home. Yes, the thirty dollar slip cover we put over you hides your fairly wretched appearance, but you don't get cancer preventatives or church-sanctioned exorcisms for thirty dollars. I should demand-- as any other person would demand -- for you to be heaved from our stoop and tossed back into the pool that spawned you. But you make our smallish and difficult-to-furnish living room seem a little more comfortable, a little less fragile, and a fair bit more welcoming to fans of sofa seating everywhere. (By the way, Creepy Free Sofa, my roommate really likes you. Do you like him? Circle one: Yes/No.) Being a (sometimes) reasonable person, I get the attraction. So you can be allowed into our home and a place at the coffee table. For now. See, I can't yet shake the feeling that, in a day or two, the grim inevitability of this situation will come to pass. You will have to go and not because of your potential classification as "patient zero" or any other physical hurdle you represent . No, you will have to go because of metaphysical hurdles, because of what you represent to me emotionally. And what you represent scares me, if only a little and not nearly as much as tomorrow's possible headline ("Zombie Apocalypse Arrives: Potential Links to Local Sofa.") Creepy Free Sofa, you represent an overbearing sense of personal failure. You look at me and say "I'm someone else's trash (their garbage!) and I'm the best sofa you can manage." You cackle in my sleep: "Poverty is your calling, monkey boy!" And you howl when I look at you: "Har Har Har, I'm going to eat you!" I look at you and I am not so much disgusted as I am annoyed, depressed and scared. Is this how I'm doomed to spend my life? By going through people's garbage and decorating my homes in their waste? (I, of course, will live in many homes, traveling eviction to eviction.) Are my two university degrees really this worthless? Am I really living paycheck-to-paycheck, unable even to pay my roommate back for purchasing the slip cover that hides your ugly mug? Have I become the complete failure that the scornful indignities of friends (my own friends!), family (Oh! My family!) and neighbors (neighbors?) continually suggest I am? Even now my mind races at the thought. I can see the growing black cloud of my own failure, and I want you gone. I want you gone even as I come to understand the old adage that "one person's trash is another man's bete noire or something." I want you gone even as I know I should feel lucky to have you for a sofa and fortunate to have a living room to place you in. And in fact, I do feel quite lucky, which is the main reason why I pose these questions rhetorically. (My other reason is that you are a sofa incapable of complete thoughts. Beyond "Murder! Kill! Death!" of course.) But -- and here's the rub -- as long as you continue to sit in my living room the answers to all these questions will be a continual and resounding "yes." And for that, My Dear Creepy Free Sofa, you must die. Love, Your Mortal Enemy "

8/25/2007 10:42:20 PM

Quote :

"Lord of the Rings relationship. Living in a fantasy world must be nice."

Some of those chicks in the movies were pretty hot

Quote :

"no offense to the people that do it, but i think looking at the personals of craigslist is for whores(men and women)"

You only think it's sad because you can't/won't see the hilarity.


I don't read CL too often: it's something I save for when I have LOTS of time to read, because it's even easier to spend hours on there than on TWW.

8/25/2007 10:47:56 PM

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/mis/404596693.html
http://raleigh.craigslist.org/mis/402171058.html
http://raleigh.craigslist.org/rnr/405935689.html

8/25/2007 11:08:26 PM

i just dont/cant see the hilarity in people whoring themselves out...even if half the shit is fake, i'm sure some of it is real

8/25/2007 11:12:23 PM

best job opportunity posting ever! from atlanta craigslist, worth reading.

Quote :

"Engineer Wanted (Inside Sales too...) Reply to: job-404969110@craigslist.org Date: 2007-08-24, 1:13PM EDT Have you ever designed irrigation systems, public or private fountain installations, even the plumbing for a swimming pool? Are you concerned with the flow and conveyance of fluids, principally water? Do you have an award-winning personality which makes people trust you implicitly? Then you're the perfect person for our company... We're searching for someone with an engineering mind. Someone who also possesses a nice, even, charming personality who can talk to people. We'll even go another level... we'd love to have someone with all the above traits who can also conduct inside sales of items to people in the trade which include industrial fountains, medium to large pond projects and beyond. We are a medium-sized wholesale stocking distributor who sells pond and fountain products to people “in the trade”. Our office is located in Tucker, Georgia, which is about 15 miles east of Atlanta. We are definitely a unique office, one full of unique and interesting people, all surrounded by the loving glow of kitty cats who run to and fro, frolicking and basking in the... yeah, okay, I might have gone too far. Look, we have cats. We have cats who live in the office, running here and there unrestricted, so if you're allergic or have issues with cats or animals in general, it's probably best that you do not reply to this ad and just move on down the job listings. If you're interested in this position, we'd love to have your resume, along with a cover letter (and in a perfect world, perhaps you'll include your salary needs), so we can read it, review it, and generally bask in the glory which is you, the most amazing engineer in the world who wants to work for one of the most amazing companies in the world... well, that might be a little too far... perhaps one of the most amazing companies in the Tucker area. You can fax your resume, along with the above mentioned accouterments, to (770) 270-1959, attention Sue Roberts."

8/25/2007 11:15:22 PM

I love how the girls always mention the baggage (kid) 2 or 3 sentences down, usually in the middle of the paragraph, like it wasnt *that* important.

8/25/2007 11:43:12 PM

mmmm BBW with genital warts willing to do anything. tempting.

8/26/2007 12:14:26 AM

lol

8/26/2007 12:53:53 AM

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ksc/395322346.html

Quote :

" I am a lvl 8 warrior seeking my adventuring companion for game play and fornication. I partake in only adventure/fantasy role play, no creepy goth stuff, it’s too weird. Only sanctioned spells allowed, costume dress optional but preferred. I have the body of a wandering Norwegian brawler and short brown hair. Please be quite buxom and imaginative for play and enjoy fantasy role play aesthetics. Please send pics, leves, preferred adventure type and spell list. We could go get dinner (under $20), and watch a movie. Also I’m allergic to cats."

8/28/2007 1:07:15 PM

wait..



does he have 4 fingers?

8/28/2007 1:13:23 PM

I think his index is hidden behind his middle


I love how his "spell book" is a journal from Hallmark

8/28/2007 1:14:10 PM

he also looks like he took that picture at a golfcourse.

8/28/2007 1:14:54 PM

and hes carrying a gigantic purple dog bone

8/28/2007 1:17:05 PM

LOL^

8/28/2007 1:17:34 PM

i think it's EMCE with blue paint on.

8/28/2007 1:18:43 PM

And that goth is jsut "too weird"

8/28/2007 1:21:58 PM

under $20

8/28/2007 1:22:40 PM

8/28/2007 1:24:16 PM

this guy is bullshitting, his entry title is

lvl 8 ogre mage seeks moon queen or druid

where he says lvl 8 warrior...either that or he's a noob

8/28/2007 1:37:13 PM

What's up with that creepy fucker in the background?

8/29/2007 11:45:53 PM

its a painting of Hugh Hefner

8/30/2007 6:51:36 AM

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/cas/408031219.html

Quote :

"I fucking swear some of you dorks have no game at all. my 2cents "

8/30/2007 11:30:24 PM

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/sub/410262205.html

Quote :

"provided i am cocking all the time!!"

8/31/2007 8:42:11 AM

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/w4m/412441299.html

Quote :

"Looking for someone to hang out with right now !! Reply to: pers-412441299@craigslist.org Date: 2007-09-02, 9:35PM EDT I'm 17 years old, but I like guys 19-25. Age doesn't matter to me, it's just a number. I have a 3 month old daughter, who is asleep right now. My daughter's father and I live together, but we don't get along at all, he's out with his friends tonight having fun. I want to have fun as well. Does anybody want to come over to my apartment in downtown raleigh and hang out? I'll probably be drinking, smoking, and just chillen. I'm up for pretty much anything. Email me or IM me on AOL (screen name: mizzcarr1eann) I have pictures as well, but you have to send to recieve. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon."

paging dateline

9/3/2007 12:40:53 AM

Quote :

"Forte IDB: hey baby, you want to go get some fried chicken? Forte IDB: how about some watermelon? Forte IDB: i'll buy you some beer and then bwn you, hows that? Forte IDB: i got a fat cock MizzCarr1eAnn signed off at 2:48:26 PM."

9/3/2007 2:52:14 PM

ha

9/3/2007 3:01:30 PM

17 year old mother, drinking, and looking for older men. classy. i really feel like getting hsot when her baby's daddy comes home as well.

9/3/2007 3:18:53 PM

That bitch sent me a message on my craigslist post. No lie. As soon as she told me she was 17 and had a kid is where it went downhill.

Here's her pictures...

I'm actually surprised the baby looks 100% white.


My favorite...


Why did I post on craigslist? Well, I did start talking to a decent looking freshman girl so it wasn't totally worthless.

9/3/2007 3:33:39 PM

Quote :

"Do not reply with cock pictures as I would need to see a facial first to see if there is an attraction. I don't just get together with anyone."

I DONT GET TOGETHER WITH ANY OLE GUY WHO SENDS ME A COCK PIC...HERE ARE MY GROSS ASS FAT TITTIES.

[Edited on September 3, 2007 at 4:02 PM. Reason : also said you had to love giving oral sex...gross, i bet she smells like swamp ass down in that puss]

9/3/2007 4:01:43 PM

Quote :

"Quote : "Looking for a Grandmother/Soccer Mom/Nanny - m4w - 20 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- Reply to: pers-405981756@craigslist.org Date: 2007-08-25, 6:12PM EDT Are you suffering from Empty-Nest Syndrome? Do you have a burning enthusiasm for baking? We are four 20-year old college roommates attending NCSU (Carolina fans need not apply) and are looking for either a grandmotherly figure/soccer mom who would like to spend possibly 2-3 hours a day at our apartment helping us to keep our house in line with such activities as baking, cooking steaks, knitting, cleaning, making orange slices, cutting the crust off of white bread, attending our sporting events, and helping build moral fiber. We also might need rides to and from various extracurricular activities, i.e. soccer, from time to time. Payment for services rendered will come in the form of lots of love, caring devotion, hugs, macaroni necklaces, and other school art projects. If you are looking for a way to make a positive impact on your community by donating your time to helping some young sons of America make their way through the University experience, or would like an activity to help keep you busy, please inquire and let us know as soon as possible. We look forward to starting a relationship with you! Location: NCSU Area it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests PostingID: 405981756""

I know the guys who did this, apparently they got numerous responses

9/4/2007 8:38:29 AM

i get the feeling that would be creepy as hell.

9/4/2007 8:42:18 AM

9/10/2007 6:58:31 PM

Quote :

"My Wife Needs Help - w4m - 63 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply to: pers-385749303@craigslist.org Date: 2007-07-30, 8:33PM PDT WE HAVE ELECTED TO ERASE ALL PREVIOUS EMAIL RESPONSES TO OUR AD. HEY GUYS, LET'S START AGAIN! ORIGINAL POSTING: My wife is 63 and believe it or not, still has some very deep sexual desires. I am much older and cannot help her anymore. I have no drive or wherewithall or desire and frankly, though I love her, I don't mind if she has a sexual affair with one man and one man only. Obviously, we are very concerned about diseases. We are hoping to meet a man who can, on a regular basis, come by and satisfy her sexual needs. I will never be present in the room where you two are, I will be downstairs. The gentleman we select will come over, we will serve you the beverage of your choice and we will get to know each other. If SHE and you are comfortable, she will take you upstairs. Please send a picture of yourself with your response. Also, she is overweight and self concious about it so if her age and weight bother you, please do not respond. She will personally answer your email responses. Thanks. ADDENDUM TO ORIGINAL POSTING. This effective, 7/31/07 We have had well over 500 email responses to the original ad. Thanks so much guys for your interest. We have had 4 guys whom we selected, show up for interviews but only one, chose to follow through with the job. And he really seemed to enjoy it! But frankly, he was a dissapointment to Anna (penis not large enough!). Based on the 3 guys response to my wifes appearance in person (they all seemed to shy away), we thought it prudent to post a face pic. If any of you are still interested, please reply. A word from Anna: I require a minimum of 9 inches to feel the penetration. Please, if you are any less, do not respond to this ad. "

[Edited on September 13, 2007 at 2:11 AM. Reason : 2]

9/13/2007 2:09:25 AM

Quote :

"You wonder why men cheat? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: 2005-10-25, 12:35PM PDT So I've had about all I can stand. How is it marriage allows you to take someone sexually hostage? Where the fuck do women get off dictating what is an appropriate amount of sex? You say you just have too much going on and it's not a priority but get your feelings hurt when you get cheated on, sorry not feeling the compassion like I should I guess. Let me paint a picture. I mostly normal, professional, successful, kind, generous, blah blah blah. I am in my second marriage. The first was as much my fault as hers but one theme that held true was the drastic drop off in sex. What gives? I have seen the scenario unfold many many times. You meet a guy and you fuck non stop for months. It tapers off but both are feeling pretty satisfied by the quality of sex and both agree that it will always be this way. In fact the guy is assuming this is a cornerstone of the relationship and takes this into consideration when he offers you a huge fucking ring you did nothing to deserve. Am I being to harsh? i don't think so, about 1% of the population of the world has a diamond ring of 1 karat or larger. What makes you so special? Let me take a different tact, if it costs $8,000 for a ring for 1 or 2 years of pornstar sex so be it, just lay it out there, get it on the table that it's a negotiable contract that comes due every couple years. You agree to be the nasty fuck toy we fell in love with and we will buy you another ring or other appropriate trinket. that's fair isn't it? But no... it doesn't work out like that. Half a dozen years into your marriage you just don't have time anymore. What used to be a fun quicky on the bathroom counter now is just a pain in the ass. Hmmm where did we go wrong, how did mankind get duped like this? How can we warn the young men who are about to make the fatal mistake of putting a ring on your spoiled finger. Do I sound bitter? well I guess I do. Let me explain, I'm sure there's more than myself in this unfortunate spot. My wife of 6 years has had sex with me 12 times this year. Three of the last four times she said "I'm just going to lay here, I don't want to do anything. Just hurry up and get it over with". The final insult came last week when she said I hate dragging it out, I just want to get my "O" and be done with it. (this takes 5 minutes tops) I was empathetic for the first six years about how the anti depressants killed your sex drive, I did the research, I recommended the different types that weren't as libido killing as the SSRI's. Enough is enough though. Let's do the math 5 minutes of sex 12 times a year is one hour of sex per year. ONE FUCKING HOUR... It used to be one hour or longer each time we had sex when we were dating. WHAT GIVES? Lets compare that to the 8760 hours in a year. Yes almost 9 thousand hours in a year and you can barely be bothered to fuck for one of them? You should be arrested, you should be fined, you should be publicly humiliated. Yes, I am being a baby. I totally understand that I am being a raving lunatic. Why? Because I have tried divorce once. Nevermind that it was financially devastating, life altering, and hell on earth for years. None of that compares to the fact that it forever ruined my relationship with my children, regardless of what you may console yourselves with divorce hurts everyone and no one is better for it unless you are in harms way by staying. I am so sick of the spoiled, me me me attitude by today's american woman that I could just bite myself. During the dating phase you told us all your hopes and dreams which mostly consisted of a nice home, kids, a dog, family holidays, vacations, etc. We told you we liked all that but wanted a car or a motorcycle or a boat to go along with it. Fast forward half a dozen years. You have all the things you wanted, nevermind the mortgage is oppressive, the activities for the kids cost hundreds of dollars a month, you bitch constantly about how you hate the house you absolutely HAD to have years ago. You have a medicine cabinet full of Paxil, Effexor, vicodin, sleep pills, awake pills, everthing but a fucking horny pill. You bitch that all your friends have the things you want and you are miserable yet the kids are the best kids in the history of the world, everyone is healthy, you drive an SUV like your friends, you get Starbucks regularly. WHAT IN YOUR LIFE IS SO HORRIBLE? Your bored? you don't have your own life? You feel over worked. Don't get me wrong, raising children is the hardest job by far since it rarely affords a break but is it so bad? (Agreed that the kids are so spectacular because of your contstant attention, but if you ignore your marriage it will go the way of a forgotten child too) You could have been born poor, you could have to work 50 hours a week and take care of the kids, and pay for the mortgage on your own but you don't. Instead you go to play group, you shop, you drive around looking at houses you dream of living in instead of the one you have. I can see how you don't have any time for sex. I mean after all the guy who sacraficed his own hopes and dreams to finance yours probably isn't worthy of some respect, admiration, and god forbid occasional sex. (disclaimer time... I know us guys are a pain in the ass to live with that goes without saying) The moral of the story is that it's just as much your fault as mine that I have taken a lover, she is everything your not. She is carefree, she acts like a total slut because we have an understanding that I prize her above all things for just being her slutty self, not condemning her for it. She doesn't accusingly look at me like I duped her into buying that fucking leper of a house, doesn't tell me that I stole her life from her because she is raising children now. It is a total vacation from everything you have become. The funny thing is I would totally be there with you hand in hand praising you instead of her if you would only treat me like a human again. If you would only show the slightest passion, if you would just quit trying to take any possible enjoyment out of life for me and everyone around you then maybe, just maybe we could have a good life. And please, don't give me the line about the medication and the councilors anymore, it worked for the first six years but it doesn't fly anymore. You came from a good family, you weren't abused, you weren't neglected, you are attractive, funny, kind, sweet at times. I've saved the best part for last. I am angry at myself for letting life get here. I should not have loved you so much that I could never say no. I should have not married you so soon, I should have bought all the things I wanted before we married. Most of all I hate that I am saying these things to a million nobody's in Internet land instead of you. I would, really I would have but we all know what happens when you drink, and you drink a lot these days. Most of all I can't believe I could be so stupid as to find myself here again. What did I cosmically do wrong? what did I do to piss off God in a past life to deserve this? I am so fucking pissed off at you for everything, why did you fucking have to fucking be this way? why couldn't you just fucking be sane, why? why, fucking, why? I just want to kick a chair or break a window or something. WHY? "

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/106597762.html

[old], but pretty good

9/13/2007 12:15:12 PM

that nanny/empty nest thing is brilliant

9/13/2007 12:22:54 PM

Quote :

"Are you my soul mate? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: 2005-07-09, 10:50PM PDT SWM in dead-end job seeks dumpy neurotic for mutual psychological torture, tepid sex, and co-dependency. I enjoy drinking, smoking, pornography, and self-righteous indignation. I can't stand movies, and the last album I bought was The Marshall Tucker Band's Greatest Hits. I have middling intelligence but try to appear smarter by affecting a world-weary air, memorizing useless facts, and chuckling at my own mean-spirited, agenda-driven jokes. I'm 40, but look 50 and feel 60. You are a whiny, bitter shrew with a misplaced sense of entitlement and unrealistic expectations. In time you will become coolly hostile when I don't fulfill every unmet need you've ever had. Bonus points if you just finished screwing every guy in town and but now want to take it slow with me. My perfect night would include getting hammered in a sleazy bar while you flirt with seedy old drunks, followed by an embarrassing screaming match. I would be open to an unsatisfying fling that leaves me filled with regret and dread but prefer a long-term, soul crushing descent into booze and pills. No friendships. I don't need any goddamn friends. Age unimportant, but I will condescend to women under 30 and rehash mother issues with women over 40. Serious replies only, please. "

hahahaha awesome

9/19/2007 12:39:28 PM

Awesome, post the email to that one!

9/19/2007 1:15:59 PM

Pretty funny

Quote :

"Can you handle this? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: 2005-05-05, 11:01AM EDT I really don't think I need to be posting this, but my family thinks I should have a boyfriend and I guess this is in an effort to humor them. I am 5'6, 115lbs, blonde hair, green eyes, tan skin...well you get the picture. Anyway, my life is already full right now, as I work a great office job and my after hour time is completely consumed by my cats. I have thirteen of them and they are my life. That is why I don't think I need a man. I love my cats so much, especially Winky, he's all black except for a white patch over one of his eyes, that's why I call him "Winky". Obiviously, if you want to be a part of my life, you have to like cats, all the time. I keep the litter boxes clean and all my cats are fixed. They are not noisy and for the most part are people friendly. But they are always watching. Always watching. I close the door when I use the toilet now. Sometimes they speak to me, they think I can't hear them but I can. They are plotting. I know it. Eyes always following me. I don't even get to watch what I want on tv anymore. Wait...Ok, they're gone. Winky is the only one I trust. I've had him the longest and he would never turn on me, at least I don't think so. God bless you Winky. The other twelve are Judases. Sometimes I'm scared to come home, sometimes I'm scared to leave home. I don't feel like it's my home anymore, it belongs to them. I haven't been with a man biblically so to speak in quite some time. I have toys, but they're mostly cat toys. I am afraid that if they don't like you they may try and do something to you, maybe even try to hurt you, and I couldn't handle that on my conscience. NO DOGS!!! They hate dogs. If they even smell a dog on you, there is no telling what may transpire. So, I like men that are a few inches taller than me, have a good sense of humor, do not smoke or do drugs, but a little wine is okay every now and again. I don't like men who steal my pills, cause they are for me and only me. Oh God somebody please help me. I can't do this anymore. They tell me they can read my mind, they tell me to watch what I say, but I don't believe them. P.S. No Fatties!!! "

Now for something more touching...

Quote :

"I almost destroyed a life today -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: 2005-12-02, 4:59PM MST I have to rant to someone. I cannot tell this to my friends. I am a partner in a growing company. Business tends to slow down a little in November and December and I find myself pushing my people harder and harder. I didn't come to be one of the owners overnight. I worked hard for many years and for a boss that was cruel and heartless. I rose above it all. Now he's gone and I run all of the divisions everywhere. I swore I would never, ever treat an employee like he did. Well, I forgot. It’s easy to drive my Mercedes home listening to my favorite CD or watching the game on my 60" TV or heading to Vegas for some fun. But in the mix of become important I forgot who I was and I forgot the promise I made. Today, one of my employees who have been particularly aloof or unable to concentrate lately set me off and I sent her packing. She threw nothing short of a fit and I had her escorted to the door ASAP so that her sobbing would not distract the rest of the staff. A couple of hours ago I noticed one of my senior staff was not back from lunch. She's a good and trusted employee and manager. But today I was "kicking ass and taking names" So I called to find out how dare she be late and heard the sound of a little girl in the background. This employee doesn't have any kids so I asked where she was. Turns out she was at the home of the employee I had dismissed. That employee as it turns out was so aloof and distracted because her husband had abandoned her and her kids some weeks ago and she was too ashamed to say anything. Today was her 4 year old girls birthday and she couldn't afford a cake leave alone candles to put on it! She's been paying all the bills since her husband left her and is nearly broke. All of her distant behavior and inability to perform suddenly made sense. But I was too busy worrying about my bottom line to be bothered to notice. I fired this woman today and she went home wondering how she could even give her daughter a gift for her birthday because I just took her primary source of income away from her. I just got back from the store. I bought all of the presents and food I could grab up in a short amount of time but suffice it to say this little girl will have a great party this evening. Thier refrigerator will have food in it and there’s plenty of pizza and ice cream and gifts. Her mother has a job to come back to Monday morning and me? Well, I have some lessons to learn and some soul searching to do. I wasn’t raised to be such an arrogant, uncompassionate son of a bitch but I somehow managed to get there. You don't need to know my name. It’s not important. I just needed to get this off my chest and to share this in hopes that someone else like me, will read this and remember who we really are and where we came from. I thought I was a big man but found out today I am very, very small. Please, do something to help someone truly in need. God bless all of you this Holiday Season and Merry Christmas "

9/28/2007 2:28:58 PM

craiglist > TWW

in entertainment value

9/28/2007 2:34:24 PM

Quote :

"Gaping Axe Wound Seeks Mental Midget -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: 2005-06-17, 12:56PM CDT ME: Herpes-ridden, HPV-ridden (which is weird 'cause I'm a really good girl who's only had sex with 70 strangers, but one was named Charlie I think), showy boat-owning, child-rearing (utilizes bribery and time outs rather than spanking), actual-meal-eating, size-10-but-not-fat, Dillard's-shopping, good blow job-giving (at least in my mind but according to statistics, probably not), fake-boob-sporting, sexy-lingerie-wearing-while-cooking-surprise-dinner-for-my-CL-CE-date-who-will-most-likely-stand-me-up-though-he-has-no-idea-I'm-trying-to- surprise-him all around great sexy girl… YOU: Have at least one of the above-mentioned diseases, not a boat owner 'cause I already have one and if you own your own than I can't feel superior to you on some materialistic, I'm-more-successful-than-you-level, hate your pointless, mind-numbing job like I do so we have at least more than a disease in common, and please have a smallish to medium size weiner 'cause I like it up the butt but won't admit it right away. May make you work for the brown-eye for a while by helping with the kids, chores, etc, but rest assured I WILL give it up often and eagerly 'cause God knows I don't want you sniffin' around some whore who will give me God-knows-what. Don't be smarter than me. Than I. Than I am. Don't be a smart ass. Just kiss mine. Send pic of your small weenie. I'll respond in kind. Mmmmm. Bush. P.S. I don't shave. Hope that's okay. P.P. S. Don't be gay. That happened to my mom, and look how I turned out. "

9/28/2007 3:28:34 PM

9/28/2007 3:38:21 PM

RANT: Middle-Aged Women complaining about sex!
Date: 2007-02-14, 11:44AM CST


I am sooooo f'ing tired about middle-aged women who complain about sex! First off, as a guy, we have so much pressure on us to perform it's unreal! Can I get a "hard on"? How long can I last? Can I make her orgasm SEVERAL times? Can I stay awake afterwards?!!!!! WTF!!! Do you women realize the enormous amount of work needed to have sex at 40?!!!!!

Let's go back to our teenage years WHEN I COULDN"T KEEP MY HANDS OFF OF YOU!!! Recall when I wanted to have sex in the stairway, at the bus stop, during gym under the bleachers, after school before my parents got home, in the parked car, and even climb through your window at night while your parents were asleep?!!!! AND THAT WAS ALL IN ONE DAY!!! Hell, I could last for hours, shoot my load, and be ready to go again in 15 minutes!!! But what did I hear from you, a young, demure, selfish, cock tease?!!! "No...wait till tomorrow.", "Let's just cuddle.", "The cat is watching.", and the classic "Is that all you think i'm good for?"!!!!!

Well ladies, the shoe is on the other foot and guess what? I'm tired!!! I'm tired from sheer exhaustion of chasing your cock teasing ass for the last 25 years!!!! Constantly, going home with "blue balls" and "whacking off" because you want me to "respect you in the morning"!!!! Well guess what years of cock abuse has done to my sex drive?!!!!

Yes ladies, it's your fault I have no interest in sex! Not getting any and whacking off to porn for 25 years has desensitized my nerve endings to the point that I feel nothing from my navel to my knees!!!! Fantasizing about every possible way of f'ing your brains out has distorted reality for me!!! You, walking in with nothing on under a fur coat pales in comparison to me fantasizing about you rimming my ass while I fuck your sister in front of 18,000 adoring fans at the United Center!!!!

It's your fault for teasing away the most potent years of my life. You should have taken advantage of my erections from your cat jumping on my crotch when you had the chance, but nooooooo!!!! You wanted to babysit your neice and "pretend" we were a family!!!!

Now, in the height of your sex drive, you want muah to pin your legs behind your ears after a long day at work, and give it to you for more than 10 minutes a month?!!!!! PUH-LEASE!!!! Nope! You see...now you will suffer the same inglorious defeat I experienced many moons ago. So....go to 'The Exotic Emporium', get yourself a multi-speed, gyrating, flesh feeling, thingamabob, a handful of Peter North dvds, and come up with creative ways to sneak aroud the house and have yourself a little "Par-tay"!!!! Otherwise, be prepared to wine me, dine me, take me golfing, and stroke my little ego until I'M IN THE MOOD!!!

And...don't give me that crap about going out and getting some "young, dumb, and full of cum" kid. I'll divorce your ass so fast your fallopians will get twisted!!! AND afterward, I will get the chance to re-live those glory years with some young, nubile, tight bodied, coed looking for a sugar daddy! (Even if it is once a month!) Better than thinking of her while trying to have sex with your old, sagging, "has-been" ass!!!

So, the next time you think about making some smart ass remark like, "Mr. 5 minute man.", or "I didn't even get started." just remember that 25 years of neglect is the reason why Mr. Willie doesn't get excited to see you anymore!!!!

9/28/2007 9:05:11 PM

Quote :

"Reply to: pers-432692743@craigslist.org Date: 2007-09-26, 12:45PM EDT Ok, it seems that some of you have misinterpreted the word "Geek" and thought I meant "LOSER". I AM NOT LOOKING FOR A LOSER! So I checked my email during lunch today, and I had a significant amount of responses. Unfortunately most of them were from men that do not meet any standards what so ever. So, to thin out the herd, here are my DISQUALIFICATIONS! If you are still a virgin, don't bother. If you have never had a girlfriend, don't bother. If you still live with your mom If you DON'T WORK AT IBM If you are NOT a Geek You can't drink beer worth a crap You lack self confidence You spend your weekends sitting on the couch watching TV Overall people see you as a loser. You're looking for a girl because "your lonely" and afraid of dying alone. (That means your life sux and you're pathetic). Just because I want a geek, doesn't mean I want a loser. If you don't have the confidence to talk to a hot chick at a bar, chances are you have low self esteem. I like geeks, not losers. So please don't email me saying that you're 25, never had a girlfriend, still lives with his mom, but can compile a Linux kernel. So, re-read above and below... I've always had a thing for nerds and geeks. For some reason and I don't know why I find nerdyness (excuse the improper grammar, but it fits the bill) sexy. The last two guy I dated that worked out well worked at IBM. I dated a nerd that worked elsewhere, but there's something about you IBM guys that I like better. So, #1. You MUST be GEEK #2. You MUST work at IBM #3. You MUST have a tech/geek job at IBM. No sales, executive or non-tech positions. Thats pretty much it. I dont' care how much you make. I have a ballpark what nerds make, but trust me I probably make the same if not more, so $$ IS NOT IMPORTANT! Yes you can tell me all about your level 70 druid, or how you disabled the flux capasator at work and caused a rip in the space time using the Hawking theory of whatever.. I don't get it, and I don't know why brains turn me on, but they do. So, about me. I'm 25, 5'3, 115lbs, red hair, green eyes. Average to athletic build. I work out about 3 days a week (mon, wed, fri). I love to hang out at the 'Ale House. I work as a sales rep in RTP for a big company (not IBM). Actually I don't have any geeks at work and I'm sick of these guys hitting on me trying to be studs. I like my nerds... :-) Now I know your asking, why IBM. Well like I said above, I've only had luck with IBM guys, and I've always had this strange feeling that IBM pwns all. But not really explainable though.... Oh you will have to prove that you work at IBM (ie photo of your badge, or IBM email address) once we start communicating, after a couple of emails. I'm looking for single men (race open) in their 20's. Sorry, nobody younger than 21 and nobody older that 29. I'll only respond to emails with pics. An of course your pic gets mine. :-) Look forward to hearing form you boys ;-) -Jessica "

9/28/2007 9:38:34 PM

wtf^

seems like "shes" fishing.

9/28/2007 11:09:56 PM

someone at IBM needs to respond to that one and post her reply(s)

9/29/2007 2:38:37 AM

I remember an ad a few years ago here in Asheville

19/f seeks mmmmmm++ for gang bang

9/29/2007 2:50:14 AM

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/mcy/436202075.html

9/30/2007 4:15:11 PM

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/cas/436238626.html


http://raleigh.craigslist.org/ers/436269917.html

[Edited on September 30, 2007 at 4:33 PM. Reason : ]

9/30/2007 4:29:04 PM

9/30/2007 4:37:38 PM

^^ lol at 2nd post. that motorcycle is definitely a gaymobile

9/30/2007 6:58:22 PM