29

5/29/2009 1:28:03 AM

as borrowed from facespace, best personal ad ever

5/29/2009 12:27:18 PM

Flash the camera for $50!

http://daytona.craigslist.org/etc/1181293924.html

Quote :

"Public Photo Shoot (Daytona) Reply to:exhibitx@hotmail.com [Errors when replying to ads?] Date: 2009-05-20, 10:39PM EDT Models needed for "Upskirt" themed photo shoot. You will be required to wear mini skirts and have your legs and bottom photographer in an upskirt fashion. This is part of an Exhibitionist series of photos. You must of course be over 18 and have nice legs and butt. Prefer shaved models, but not a must. Write with details and a photo if you have one. All photos taken in public. Location: Daytona Compensation: $50.00 Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. Please, no phone calls about this job! Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests."

lmao, DO NOT WORK FOR AHMED, LADIES!!!
http://orlando.craigslist.org/tfr/1193772612.html

Quote :

"BEWARE-Southern Xposure Models (Daytona,FL) Reply to:job-eumpq-1193772612@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?] Date: 2009-05-28, 5:16PM EDT Just a fellow concerned model in the industry warning other potential models about Southern Xposure Models located in Daytona Beach florida. The Ceo of the company is Ahmed and is also the photographer. He is not going to do anything for you and is a bull sh** artist. I went to Daytona for a photoshoot with him TFP (Time for print) over 6 weeks ago. I have tried in so many ways to get in contact with Ahmed and he has not answered or returned my phone calls, voicemails, or emails, myspace messages, or comments for 6 WEEKS! He also has not furnished me with any copies of my pics nor does he have a model release form. Right now Ahmed of Southern Xposure Models has topless photos of me (tasteful though) that he is running around with and I have no idea of what his intentions are to do with them! He promised you the world but does not deliver on his promises. Be careful of this guy, he is very sleezy and he is a joke! Please do NOT flag this post! Location: Daytona,FL Compensation: 0000 Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. Please, no phone calls about this job! Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests."

[Edited on May 29, 2009 at 4:40 PM. Reason : Both of these were from Daytona]

5/29/2009 4:38:48 PM

Quote :

"teen metal/rock band members wanted (nc) Reply to:sale-us5sg-1197285516@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?] Date: 2009-05-30, 6:56PM EDT I 12 years old. an experienced lead guitarist looking for band members in Apex, Cary, Raleigh. i have been playing for years. I am looking to start a band with and experienced musicians between to ages of 12 and 16. i have recently been in the band Greek Noise (look up on Google/Myspace) I do have al the equipment necessary to me and go public but i will not provide anyone with instruments. my soloing sounds somewhat like Steve Vai, or Kirk Hammett. I can play acoustic and very melodic. if interested please call me at (919) 779-2012 and ask for Sean Gentri. "

5/30/2009 8:58:42 PM

A 12yo steve vai? i was disappointed he didn't have any recordings on his myspace. music is good for kids, give him a break.

5/30/2009 9:11:20 PM

Quote :

"hot white lady inside prepaying gas - m4w (cary shell gas station(crossroads)) Reply to: pers-u8zxu-1162016865@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?] Date: 2009-05-09, 7:38AM EDT hi you was behind me trying to pay gas and i told you have a good nite when i got out wantend to ask u for your phone number you are so hot please reply with your phone number and tell me wat car awas driving and wat i was buying in the store ok also if you remenber tell me where did im look like im from bye hot lady * Location: cary shell gas station(crossroads) "

RUNONSENTENCEFAIL

6/1/2009 2:46:08 AM

"My Excellent Adventure with "Table for Six""

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1157378129.html

"It aint easy being a fat chick"

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1158039195.html

hooray for updated "best of" section

6/1/2009 1:29:18 PM

you people still haven't figured out how to copy and paste, have you?

6/1/2009 1:30:18 PM

work doesn't block the craigslist classifieds, but it does block the craigslist personals and the best of

fuckers

6/1/2009 1:30:51 PM

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/fbh/1199243840.html

Quote :

"BIKINI OUTDOOR GRILL COOK NEEDED (APEX, NC) Reply to:job-pjate-1199243840@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?] Date: 2009-06-01, 7:55AM EDT Do you have a great personality? Can you flip a burger? Do you own a bikini? If you answered "YES" to those three questions then you are qualified for the job! This is a PART - TIME position. You will work 4 - 5 hours per week, one to three days per week. EMAIL IF INTERESTED Location: APEX, NC Compensation: $10 - $15 PER HOUR PLUS TIPS Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. Please, no phone calls about this job! Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests. PostingID: 1199243840"

6/1/2009 1:35:37 PM

Quote :

""My Excellent Adventure with "Table for Six"" http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1157378129.html "It aint easy being a fat chick" http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1158039195.html hooray for updated "best of" section "

someone please post the actual article of these. i can't get to it from my work PC. for some reason it's blocked.

6/1/2009 1:41:32 PM

Quote :

"you people still haven't figured out how to copy and paste, have you?"

SERIOUSLY... it is not difficult people!

6/1/2009 1:45:40 PM

^^ those are both too long to be funny anyway

6/1/2009 1:47:13 PM

I thought they were too long for a TWW post. they're also not that funny, but I found them amusing nonetheless.

Quote :

" It aint easy being a fat chick Date: 2009-05-06, 3:10PM PDT Some observations from a 43 year old 5 foot 4 230 lb woman.... I have been working really hard at changing my life. I am down 35 lbs, up probably 10 in muscle. The first thing to vanish was my boobs and the last thing will be my frickin' belly. I feel much better, my eyes are clear, my clothes are all too baggy and fried food bothers my stomach. I also, for the first time in my life, find obese people upsetting and almost disgusting. This bugs me, it is hypocritical at best, I am still a fat chick! Here are a few things I have noticed so far - 1. Most men still think me vulgar and ugly, never mind my pretty face and personality. But now, I am starting to see men at the gym doing one of two things - they either speak to me because I have somehow managed to be a gym rat in their eyes or they are starting to pay attention and be nice to me because they think that by some miracle I will screw them once I lose a bunch more weight, granted, this is my instinct speaking, I could be totally wrong. Either way, anyone who wasn't man enough for me as a really fat chick surely will not be man enough for me in the future, it kind of pisses me off. 2. 35 lbs is A LOT of fat. Next time you go to the grocery store, take a look at packages of hamburger in 1 or 2 pounds. Add it up, it seems massive. It feels that way too. Who knew that 6 months ago when walking on the treadmill hurt my feet so bad I could hardly walk that now I am biking and running. 3. Women are for the most part, negative about my success. Disguised as some sort of twisted cheering me on, most have something negative hidden in everything they say. WTF is that? Women truly are insane! 4. Trainers are useless to me! Most of them are just slick salesmen who studied one book and took some test (not all, but this has been my impression and I have made it my business to get to know them all). The nicest people I have interacted with have been the biggest, baddest, buffest dudes and the most ripped ladies. Somehow they can see beyond the obvious and pick up on the fact that I am absolutely driven and determined. Some of them have been instrumental in proper form, putting together a solid work out and how to make a program work. 5. Chicks that wear a bunch of makeup and wear their hair down at the gym looking super hot are THE MOST SUPERFICIAL creatures walking the planet, AND they are dumb as rocks. What a waste of such beauty. 6. Building muscle and losing fat hide themselves and manifest themselves in the strangest of ways. I plateaued at 35 lbs a month ago and yet people who haven't seen me in a month are still going "WOW you are losing weight!". So don't get so down when you hit one, your body is just adjusting, it is natural and a part of the whole deal. 7. It SUCKS being the fat one at the gym, it is not easy to walk into a place of sculpted beauties looking so pitiful. You have to absolutely dismiss all of those feelings and it is not easy! 8. Gay guys absolutely hate fat women at the gym, it makes no sense to me but they have mad attitude. 9. There is so much to learn, un-learn in bad habits and re-learn in good ones. Give yourself a break, you didn't get fat overnight, its not going away overnight. You have to stick with it, invest time and time pays off. 10. Young guys are much nicer than the young ladies. 11. Don't be a chicken! People bigger than you feel just as awful and awkward as you do, dare to share your enthusiasm with them, it really does help. 12. I hate brown rice and oatmeal, but they are my friends. 13. If you are gonna eat carbs, get your ass on the cardio machines and use them! 14. Elyptical (sp?)machines are supposed to be easy on the knees, what bullshit! They are also usually made for people 5 foot 5 or taller. 15. Don't freak out when you build muscle in your upper body and your bras get tight! Build enough muscle and the fat will start to fade, it will pass. 16. 6 meals a day really is a great ticket, eat protein with each and every one of them. 17. If you are really working the weights, start incorporating a protein shake of some sort immediately after your work out - if you wait more than 20-30 minutes your muscles will try and eat themselves. 18. One word - DERMAFINE-MD. It WORKS just as well and is much cheaper than Strivectin. 19. Please for the love of all things sacred, lose weight for YOURSELF. Forget the porn/media driven body image and trying to be something for someone else. You MUST strive above all to do it for YOU (everyone else gets a bonus when YOU succeed). 20. COUNT EACH AND EVERY CALORIE AND MAKE THEM COUNT. If you don't eat enough, your body will eat your muscles, if you eat too much and the wrong type, back comes fat. 21. YEP - that guy you absolutely could not believe was looking at your hoochie when you were doing leg presses really was. Nope, he doesn't want to screw you but somehow can't NOT look. 22. YEP - that awful bimbo who looks at you with such disgust really does think you a loser, fuck her and the sugar daddy who bought her those boobs. Well I am rambling, I just wanted to share a little of what I have learned and seen. I hope it helps someone out there. You really can be successful, just remember that courage is not the absence of fear but the judgment that something else is more important than fear - YOU! "

[Edited on June 1, 2009 at 1:54 PM. Reason : ok the fat chick post fit]

[Edited on June 1, 2009 at 1:57 PM. Reason : i just attempted the other one in a second post, didn't fit]

6/1/2009 1:53:25 PM

"My Excellent Adventure with "Table for Six""

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1157378129.html

Quote :

" My Excellent Adventure with "Table for Six" Date: 2009-05-06, 9:18AM PDT Seeing no signs of progress some five years after my divorce, and with my 42nd birthday rapidly approaching, my well-meaning but misguided friends chipped in together to buy me a membership in a single’s club called “Table for Six.” The format, as explained in a welcoming letter I received from the agency, seemed simple enough: you attend a dinner for three couples at a fancy restaurant; if you click with someone, you were free to arrange additional dates on your own, or by matchmaking through the agency. The members of the group seated at the table with me had been selected by the agency for compatibility: fortyish, well-to-do professionals all, and each of us divorced at least once. As luck would have it, the third man in the group had failed to show up, so distributed around the table with me were the other man, three women (all reasonably attractive specimens in my eyes), and a facilitator, whose role was to keep the conversation moving along amongst the group. “Remember, honesty is very important!” she chirped, managing to sound both serious and merry at the same time. “I encourage you all to consider it a rule, and not to embroider the truth!” I didn’t really want to be here to begin with – this being exactly the type of contrived social event I loathe – so being lectured to in this way was particularly irritating. I swirled a watery vodka and tonic and wondered why I had agreed to be here at all. Having finished her lecture, the facilitator announced that everyone would be introducing themselves and giving a short biographical sketch, and gestured to me to begin. I gave everyone sixty seconds of whom I am, and then took inventory of my companions as they did the same. Teresa, who was sitting closest to me, was smartly dressed in a black skirt and a white blazer. She smiled coyly beneath wavy blond hair and watery blue eyes, and her florid complexion suggested that she liked to pull a cork now and then. Janet sat stiffly between Teresa and the facilitator. The cream turtleneck that rose out from her dark jacket fit her like a neck brace, and her expression gave me the feeling that she considered this get-together to be very serious business. Hunched over to the right of the facilitator was the other man. He was already working on his second drink, and I had the urge to lean across the table and loosen the knot in his tie. He stammered his way through a short introduction and then looked to his right. Slouched there, at the other end of the group, was Kaitlin, who was as relaxed as Janet was not. She seemed intelligent enough when she spoke, but somewhat lacking in self-confidence. The most casually dressed member of the group, and wore a minimum amount of makeup. Her peasant dress was simple and elegant; her chestnut-brown hair short and shapeless. With the introductions completed, the facilitator asked if everyone was ready to order and waved at the waiter passing through the room. Kaitlin, I observed, ordered vegetarian. But it would hardly have mattered if she ordered the filet mignon and lobster platter; in the time-honoured feminine tradition of trying to make a good first impression on the first date, none of the women did more than pick at their food. The conversation sputtered a few times in the beginning, but gradually took hold. Terrorism, the economy, the housing market…all the predictable topics were discussed in a predictably superficial, non-offensive manner. Unfortunately, the other man was not proving to be much of a conversationalist, and the burden fell to me to pick up the slack. Twice I deflected questions about my opinions on social topics, and twice the facilitator cheerily reminded me that honesty was very important, and that I should consider it a rule. The vodka I had consumed wanted to know if I was going to continue to put up with that shit, and I decided that I would not. “Look, just because I don’t take you into my thoughts on every point we discuss doesn’t mean that I’m being less than honest.” For a brief moment, the facilitator seemed nonplussed. Clearly, she was not accustomed to having her concept of honesty brought into question. Then the cheery smile she’d been sporting throughout the evening found its way back onto her face, and she smoothed it into place with a short laugh. “But Dan, we’re all trying to learn about each other tonight so that we can get acquainted. We can’t do that if you’re holding back things about yourself. We want to know the real Dan. Won’t you help us with that?” I turned my palms toward the ceiling. “You’re talking about candor – or transparency if you prefer – which is not the same as honesty. Honesty is telling the truth about the things you choose to say, while providing enough detail to be representative of reality.” But the facilitator had decided to be preoccupied with trying to flag down a waiter, and she did not reply to this. I looked around the table, hoping that someone would argue with me, or agree with me, or tell me to take a flying leap – anything, in short, to escape the perfunctory conversation we’d been having for the past hour. The waiter arrived and began clearing the table and taking drink orders. Teresa turned towards me and rested her hand on the back of her neck, leaning forward to pivot her elbow on the table. “So, Dan,” she said, smiling broadly, “When was your last long-term relationship?” I decided that I’d had enough of watery vodka and tonics and ordered a Remy Martin instead. “A couple of years ago or so.” I wondered when we would start to discuss the weather, and whether I could escape to the men’s room after finishing the Remy for a leisurely, lengthily interlude, fake an upset stomach upon my return, and leave early. “How did you meet her?” Teresa had taken a liking to me, or so it seemed to me. Knowing the forsaken path ahead of us in this line of conversation, I paused and thought for a moment. Honesty is very important – we’re all trying to learn about each other tonight! So I shrugged, looked Teresa in the eye, and gave her honesty. “I picked her up at a strip club. She was a dancer.” Teresa laughed heartily. “Really!” she exclaimed a bit too loudly, and chuckled again. “Really,” I replied quietly, not laughing or smiling. Teresa fingered her drink, apparently trying to think of what to say next. “How long did you go out?” she finally asked. “A little over a year. Maybe fifteen months.” “Why did you break up, because she was a stripper?” Teresa had stopped laughing and now looked slightly concerned. Some of the other people at the table had stopped talking and were leaning in, trying to hear the conversation. “No. She wanted to get married, and I didn't.” “Oh,” said Teresa in a small voice. The waiter had come back, and she traded him her empty glass for a full one. A slice of pineapple hung from the rim. “You didn’t want to marry a stripper?” “No, stripping had nothing to do with it.” I took my Remy from the waiter and nodded a thank you. “Didn't it bother you? I buried my nose in the snifter containing the Remy and inhaled deeply. My nostrils tingled. “Stripping? No.” “Don't strippers also accept money for sex?” The other man at the table was watching me now, and for the first time since the evening began, he seemed to be enjoying himself. I lowered my glass and swirled the cognac around. “You’re confusing stripping with hooking,” I replied. “Same difference,” Teresa said evenly. Her lips had begun to tighten and disappear. I shrugged again and took a healthy swig from the snifter. "

continued ...

6/1/2009 1:57:48 PM

and so on...

Quote :

" “Do you go to strip clubs often?” Teresa’s voice had sharpened, and she seemed much less interested in me now. I puffed air from my mouth, feeling the Remy slide down to my stomach and igniting the flesh along the way. “How many times a week is often?” Teresa’s mouth flapped open and closed a couple of times, and then she raised her own glass and sipped furiously at the straws. Janet turned in my direction. “What is the attraction with strippers?” she asked stiffly. I could see the facilitator trying to look at me around the curve of Janet’s turtleneck sweater. I looked back at Janet and said, “They generally have little problem with getting naked.” “Do you pay them for sex?” I raised my glass and took another large sip. “Sometimes. Sometimes not. Depends on the girl, the day, the mood.” One of Teresa’s hands held her glass in the air, and the other was buried in her armpit. “Do you also see hookers?” she asked with sarcastic joviality. I returned my gaze to Teresa. Her cheeks were much redder now. “Street girls, no. Escorts, yes.” “Why?” asked Janet with feeling. “Convenience, honesty, reliability. And they go home afterwards.” By now everyone at the table had stopped talking and was listening to us. The facilitator gave me a furious look, then turned to the other man and asked him a question, but everyone ignored her. I looked at the women one by one as I spoke. “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but have any of you ever engaged in physical activity with the idea that you would be compensated somehow, even if the compensation was not explicitly stated?” “Define compensation.” Kaitlin sat up and joined the conversation. “A place to spend the night, a ride, cash, a gift, a promotion, a plum work assignment.” “By those definitions, yes. I slept with a partner once to get ahead. I was young, stupid, and it did not work. But yes, just the once.” I noticed that Kaitlin was drinking a pinkish concoction and that her glass was more than half full. Teresa and Janet traded glances and remained silent. Janet took a long pull on her drink and set it back on the table. She folded her arms over her chest and looked over at me. “Convenience, reliability, and leaving afterwards I can comprehend. But you also said that you see hookers because of honesty. What did you mean by that? Obviously not that she is ‘transparent’ about herself, since you are seeing all you wish to see of her already.” I looked in my glass at the last of the Remy. “I’m attracted to her physically, and that is what I want, a physical experience. She wants the cash. I know it. So we work out an agreeable price and enjoy each other. Then it is over. Besides, it costs not much more than dinner and a show.” At this last, Teresa and Janet collectively made a noise somewhere between a groan and a yelp, rolled their eyes, and sat back in their seats, both of them now with their arms crossed over their chests. The other man was looking around for the waiter, and spotting him, made a tracing motion with his finger to order another round. Kaitlin had pulled the straws out of her drink and was trying to fit the tip of one into the end of the other. “Have you ever slept with someone and promised them a promotion or a raise?” she asked, not looking up. “Never,” I replied, shaking my head for emphasis even though I knew she wouldn’t see it. Kaitlin pivoted in her seat to face the other man. “So, have you ever paid for sex?” she demanded. “Uhm. Ahh.” The other man turned red and began to look around for the waiter. “Well. S-s-sort of,” he finally stammered. “Are all men like this?” Teresa exploded. “Aren't there any decent men left? My ex used to get massages. It was a long time until I figured out why.” I put my palms on the table and spread my fingers out over the tablecloth. “You asked a question, I answered honestly.” The waiter had returned with a tray full of drinks. “Now it’s your turn. Did you ever cheat on your husband? Be honest, now.” The facilitator looked sharply at me, her face ashen. “Never,” Teresa said with more than a trace of smug superiority. “Never kissed another man?” “Of course, but that is not cheating.” The waiter hesitated slightly, and then continued to distribute the drinks. He put the tray down, and slowly and carefully began to collect the old glasses and wipe the table. “Did you ever kiss another man with intent?” “’Intent’? What do you mean, ‘intent’?” I downed the last of my Remy and handed the empty glass to the waiter. “Intent to excite physical passion.” Teresa hesitated. “I’m…I’m not sure.” “Has another man ever touched you in a sexual manner, not intercourse, just in a sexual manner?” “I did not do anything like that.” Teresa had found her footing again. “Never? I find it hard to believe that you have never been confronted with a sexual situation outside of your primary relationship.” The facilitator tried to speak again, stopped, and buried her head in her hands. Janet, who had been in the middle of another sip of her drink, hummed an assent as she swallowed. “I faced that once. We were all but naked. Except I could not go through with it. I stopped, and fortunately, he accepted the situation with good grace.” The waiter had run out of things to do at the table, and seemed to be idly flipping through his notebook. I paused and looked at him, and he self-consciously collected his tray and wandered away. I turned back to Janet. “Did you ever discuss this with your Significant Other?” “No. I couldn't.” “Why did you stop?” I glanced over at Kaitlin, who was still fiddling with the straws. “I don't know. I wanted it very much. But I could not go through with it. I just could not take the last step. I was actually crying with frustration.” Janet shook her head at the memory. “I think that is why my friend took it so well, because of the crying, that is.” “I had an affair.” Kaitlin had come back to life, and everyone looked at her. “My ex was having one. I was lonely. I missed sex, and I missed feeling good after sex even more. It was fun in the beginning, but it quickly became just another chore. I think it lasted all of three weeks. But I could have stopped before it started, if I had wanted to, and almost did. So I know what you mean.” Kaitlin pulled the straws from her new drink and began inserting them into the others. “So, wise guy,” she said, eyeing me sardonically. “Did you ever have an affair?” “No. I have dated two women at the same time. But not an ‘affair’.” “Semantics. Two women at the same time is having an affair.” Teresa seemed pleased with her role as the moral arbiter of the group. I took a sip of Remy and made a face. “I don't feel that way. I was not in a committed relationship, so it can’t be an affair.” “Did you ever touch a woman with intent?” Teresa leaned on her forearms to bore in on me. “Guilty. But nothing became of it. A little bit of flirting that got out of hand.” “So when does it become an affair? When it is it just flirting?” I sighed, thought for a moment, and then answered. “I’m not sure. But I would think that any oral/genital contact, penetration, or even mutual masturbation would qualify as an affair. A little touching and kissing would not cross the line. But others may disagree.” I looked over at Janet, but it was Teresa who spoke instead. “Would hookers count?” “Of course. Why do you even ask? Is a hooker somehow easier to take than an affair with the next door neighbor?” “I thought you would say it doesn’t count.” Teresa looked disappointed. “I think an affair is worse.” Janet had finished most of her drink and looked relaxed for the first time since the evening had started. “To know that my man was spending emotional energy on another person would be harder for me to tolerate. A hooker is money, and an affair is emotions. I think that is a big difference.” She poked at the ice in her glass with a straw, trying to tease out more liquid. Teresa waved her hand dismissively. “It doesn't matter. Cheating is cheating…period. Besides,” she said, turning to me, “Hookers have diseases. How can you risk it?” “Safe sex. Without exception. In fact…” I paused, considered what I was going to say for a moment, then continued. “I think girlfriends are a bigger risk, as one is tempted to engage in risky behavior – sex without condoms.” The rest of the group fell silent as they considered this point of view. The facilitator, seeing an opening, tried to revive an earlier conversation during dinner about the war in Iraq, but Teresa interrupted as if she wasn’t there. “Do you like hookers because you can get anal sex?” The other man at the table grinned happily, looking back and forth between Teresa and me. "

6/1/2009 1:58:48 PM

and furthermore..

Quote :

" I inhaled deeply from the snifter before answering. “Sorry to disappoint you, but hookers are no different than regular folks. Some do it, many don't. But there is something liberating about not having to worry about your lover. One can concentrate on one’s own pleasure. One does not have to worry if she will respect you in the morning or think you are a pervert. With a lover, it is sometimes difficult to get to that level of intimacy and acceptance…at least for me. It seems odd, but one can be liberated with a hooker instantly in a way that takes great amount of time with a lover.” Teresa was looking at me skeptically, and her arms remained folded across her chest. “Is that a nice way to say ‘yes’?” I sipped cognac. “Alright. Yes, I have had anal sex with hookers. I have, for the record, had anal sex with several different lovers over the years. It is not something that I demand. But if the woman enjoys it, and I can pleasure her in that way, I will.” “It is never pleasurable to a woman. That’s a male fantasy perpetuated by pornography.” I glanced around the table. “Anyone else care to comment?” There was another pause and another chance to redirect the conversation, but the facilitator had finally given up, and there was only silence. Janet cleared her throat. “I tried it with my ex. It did not go so well. He was too big.” “Apparently that is not one of my failings,” I said ruefully. All eyes at the table turned towards Kaitlin. She was slouching again and picking at the end of one of the straws. “Well, it can be fun, but only with someone that I trust and love deeply. I can enjoy that.”. “I don't believe it,” Teresa huffed, and took refuge in her drink. “Well, I’m not Wilt Chamberlain, but I have had lovers that really enjoyed anal sex.” I glanced at the facilitator, who was ignoring the conversation now, leaning back and looking at something on the ceiling “They are a minority, but they do exist,” I added. Teresa wasn’t buying it. “You just said you aren’t an expert. How do you know they enjoyed it?” “They said so. Have you ever tried it?” “Never,” Teresa said. The smug tone had reappeared. “You might try something before knocking it.” Teresa gave me what she hoped was a withering look. “I know enough to know that is not something that I would like.” In spite of the mellowing effects of the cognac, I found myself increasingly irritated with Teresa. “Good. A woman should know her limits.” And with this last, the conversation faltered. As if on cue, the waiter approached the table and dropped off a leather booklet with the check; the facilitator caught it on the first bounce. Everyone took the hint and stood to leave. As they gathered up their coats, Kaitlin edged her way over to me. “That was the most fun I have ever had at one of these events.” I looked at her with surprise, and renewed optimism, but then she continued: “At first I thought you were a jerk. Now I don’t think you are a jerk anymore. I might not want to date you, but you do know how to keep a conversation interesting.” For the first time all evening, I found myself at a loss for words. Kaitlin had been a possibility; this was indeed a shame. Everyone shook hands and said goodbye and thanked each other for the pleasant evening. Then the facilitator drew me aside and offered to refund my money, suggesting that I not contact the agency again. I decided not to tell her that this would be easy, since I did not contact them in the first place. I repaired to the restroom for much-needed relief. As I stood waiting for my bladder to empty, I mentally replayed the conversation with Teresa. The moral of the story, I decided, was this: Women demand honesty from a man because they associate honesty with respect; not because they want to talk about strippers, hookers, and anal sex at the dinner table. I shook myself dry and washed my hands. I wondered how I would explain the evening to my friends, and hoped that they would get their money back. Pushing my way through the bathroom door, I turned and headed towards the lobby. Teresa was standing there, holding her coat. She looked at me for a few moments, and I looked at her, and she didn’t look away. "

the end.

6/1/2009 1:59:16 PM

"It aint easy being a fat chick"

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1158039195.html

Quote :

"It aint easy being a fat chick Date: 2009-05-06, 3:10PM PDT Some observations from a 43 year old 5 foot 4 230 lb woman.... I have been working really hard at changing my life. I am down 35 lbs, up probably 10 in muscle. The first thing to vanish was my boobs and the last thing will be my frickin' belly. I feel much better, my eyes are clear, my clothes are all too baggy and fried food bothers my stomach. I also, for the first time in my life, find obese people upsetting and almost disgusting. This bugs me, it is hypocritical at best, I am still a fat chick! Here are a few things I have noticed so far - 1. Most men still think me vulgar and ugly, never mind my pretty face and personality. But now, I am starting to see men at the gym doing one of two things - they either speak to me because I have somehow managed to be a gym rat in their eyes or they are starting to pay attention and be nice to me because they think that by some miracle I will screw them once I lose a bunch more weight, granted, this is my instinct speaking, I could be totally wrong. Either way, anyone who wasn't man enough for me as a really fat chick surely will not be man enough for me in the future, it kind of pisses me off. 2. 35 lbs is A LOT of fat. Next time you go to the grocery store, take a look at packages of hamburger in 1 or 2 pounds. Add it up, it seems massive. It feels that way too. Who knew that 6 months ago when walking on the treadmill hurt my feet so bad I could hardly walk that now I am biking and running. 3. Women are for the most part, negative about my success. Disguised as some sort of twisted cheering me on, most have something negative hidden in everything they say. WTF is that? Women truly are insane! 4. Trainers are useless to me! Most of them are just slick salesmen who studied one book and took some test (not all, but this has been my impression and I have made it my business to get to know them all). The nicest people I have interacted with have been the biggest, baddest, buffest dudes and the most ripped ladies. Somehow they can see beyond the obvious and pick up on the fact that I am absolutely driven and determined. Some of them have been instrumental in proper form, putting together a solid work out and how to make a program work. 5. Chicks that wear a bunch of makeup and wear their hair down at the gym looking super hot are THE MOST SUPERFICIAL creatures walking the planet, AND they are dumb as rocks. What a waste of such beauty. 6. Building muscle and losing fat hide themselves and manifest themselves in the strangest of ways. I plateaued at 35 lbs a month ago and yet people who haven't seen me in a month are still going "WOW you are losing weight!". So don't get so down when you hit one, your body is just adjusting, it is natural and a part of the whole deal. 7. It SUCKS being the fat one at the gym, it is not easy to walk into a place of sculpted beauties looking so pitiful. You have to absolutely dismiss all of those feelings and it is not easy! 8. Gay guys absolutely hate fat women at the gym, it makes no sense to me but they have mad attitude. 9. There is so much to learn, un-learn in bad habits and re-learn in good ones. Give yourself a break, you didn't get fat overnight, its not going away overnight. You have to stick with it, invest time and time pays off. 10. Young guys are much nicer than the young ladies. 11. Don't be a chicken! People bigger than you feel just as awful and awkward as you do, dare to share your enthusiasm with them, it really does help. 12. I hate brown rice and oatmeal, but they are my friends. 13. If you are gonna eat carbs, get your ass on the cardio machines and use them! 14. Elyptical (sp?)machines are supposed to be easy on the knees, what bullshit! They are also usually made for people 5 foot 5 or taller. 15. Don't freak out when you build muscle in your upper body and your bras get tight! Build enough muscle and the fat will start to fade, it will pass. 16. 6 meals a day really is a great ticket, eat protein with each and every one of them. 17. If you are really working the weights, start incorporating a protein shake of some sort immediately after your work out - if you wait more than 20-30 minutes your muscles will try and eat themselves. 18. One word - DERMAFINE-MD. It WORKS just as well and is much cheaper than Strivectin. 19. Please for the love of all things sacred, lose weight for YOURSELF. Forget the porn/media driven body image and trying to be something for someone else. You MUST strive above all to do it for YOU (everyone else gets a bonus when YOU succeed). 20. COUNT EACH AND EVERY CALORIE AND MAKE THEM COUNT. If you don't eat enough, your body will eat your muscles, if you eat too much and the wrong type, back comes fat. 21. YEP - that guy you absolutely could not believe was looking at your hoochie when you were doing leg presses really was. Nope, he doesn't want to screw you but somehow can't NOT look. 22. YEP - that awful bimbo who looks at you with such disgust really does think you a loser, fuck her and the sugar daddy who bought her those boobs. Well I am rambling, I just wanted to share a little of what I have learned and seen. I hope it helps someone out there. You really can be successful, just remember that courage is not the absence of fear but the judgment that something else is more important than fear - YOU! "

for those who can't copy and paste, and for those at work.

6/1/2009 1:59:37 PM

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v

6/1/2009 2:03:11 PM

Quote :

"they either speak to me because I have somehow managed to be a gym rat in their eyes or they are starting to pay attention and be nice to me because they think that by some miracle I will screw them once I lose a bunch more weight, granted, this is my instinct speaking, I could be totally wrong. Either way, anyone who wasn't man enough for me as a really fat chick surely will not be man enough for me in the future, it kind of pisses me off."

From my experience, most guys in a gym will respect someone who are visibly dedicated, no matter what their initial skill level.

Quote :

"Please for the love of all things sacred, lose weight for YOURSELF."

troo

Quote :

"YEP - that guy you absolutely could not believe was looking at your hoochie when you were doing leg presses really was. Nope, he doesn't want to screw you but somehow can't NOT look. "

double troo

Quote :

"YEP - that awful bimbo who looks at you with such disgust really does think you a loser, fuck her and the sugar daddy who bought her those boobs. "

lawls.


overall, 10/10, seems like a cool chick.

6/1/2009 2:04:02 PM

^i was gonna say the same thing. she seems pretty awesome

6/1/2009 2:04:45 PM

the table for six was a solid read. took a long time, but enjoyable

A+++ would read again

6/1/2009 2:08:08 PM

Quote :

"the table for six was a solid read. took a long time, but enjoyable A+++ would read again"

6/1/2009 2:21:19 PM

Quote :

"the table for six was a solid read. took a long time, but enjoyable A+++ would read again"

words do not scare me

6/1/2009 2:29:17 PM

Quote :

"help a family Reply to: sale-fh2jk-1206164993@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?] Date: 2009-06-05, 12:21AM EDT needy it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests"

Uh...

6/5/2009 3:45:49 AM

Quote :

"Brad Paisley Concert... - w4m - 20 (N. Raleigh) Reply to: pers-ra6nt-1210934890@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?] Date: 2009-06-08, 9:38AM EDT Far fetched-I know..But I sold you Brad Paisley concert tickets on Saturday. They were two lawn seats. Although I made you wait like 15 minutes (Im sorry)-you were very..VERY attractive & I had just gotten out of bed. I'm pretty sure you have a girlfriend,, or even a wife--or you probably thought I wasn't attractive in the least bit [cant say that I blame you]--but if you're single..And you didn't puke a little in your mouth,, I'd really like to go out to dinner..Or maybe sell you another set of concert tickets! Tell me what color//kind of car I drive or you drive "

God...talk about self-esteem issues.

6/8/2009 12:45:55 PM

http://brownsville.en.craigslist.org/med/1201692106.html

Quote :

"FULL TIME GRAPHIC DESIGNER WANTED (Harlingen) Reply to:job-zbp5w-1201692106@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?] Date: 2009-06-02, 12:41PM CDT FULL TIME GRAPHIC DESIGNER WANTED WANTED: A graphic designer to create visual solutions for print and web. Designer needs imaginative flair, awareness of current trends in the visual arts as related to the car audio market, working knowledge of the Adobe Photoshop, Illustrator CS3 and familiarity with Adobe Flash and Dreamweaver. A major Plus (+) is direct experience managing a domain name portfolio including registration and DNS settings, ftp use, website creation and management of multiple sites simultaneously. The main activities of the graphic designer are: • Developing designs for product boxes utilizing information and data to help inform the buyer; • Product catalogs, tri-folds, posters, and other promotional materials; • Thinking creatively to produce new and exciting ideas; • Using innovation to redefine a design and meet cost and time constraints; • Multi-tasking: graphic designer will often work on more than one design project at a time; • Use a wide range of media, including photography (photograph products) and computer design; • Producing accurate and high quality work; • Contributing ideas and design artwork to the overall department; • Keep abreast of developments in graphics design, current production processes, and constantly changing design programs. • Working well in a small team, with printing companies, other graphics designers, website designers, marketing specialists, and sometimes personnel from countries other than the United States; • Often working with tight deadlines. The Graphic designer will develop the overall layout and production design for magazines, journals, corporate reports, and other publications. The designer will also produce promotional displays, packaging, and marketing brochures for products and services, design distinctive logos for product and series lines. Graphic designer will also develop material for Internet Web pages, interactive media, and multimedia projects. WORK TIMES: are generally Monday – Friday 8am to 5pm. There are occasional times when extended hours and Saturdays are required to complete a project before a deadline. FOR CONSIDERATION: Please submit a PDF resume, a PDF portfolio, and/or link to an online portfolio site. db Research 302 E Hanmore Dr Harlingen, Texas 78550 956-421-4200 DannyA@dbdrive.net or Thomas@dbdrive.net Location: Harlingen"

Just heard back from them, $8/hr.

6/8/2009 4:50:26 PM

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mia/1143295553.html

Quote :

"Husband wants a rusty trombone for his birthday -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: 2009-04-27, 8:03PM EDT My husband has asked for a rusty trombone for his birthday, which is Wednesday. I've scoured the pawn shops and music stores, and I haven't found one. I am guessing that rusty ones will be cheaper than new ones, and I don't know what the big deal is, but it's what he wants and he is very specific about it. I could have bought a dozen new ones at this point, but he says that a rusty trombone is nostalgic for him, so I suppose it will mean more. If you selling (or even giving away) a rusty trombone, please let me know what you have, how much it costs and how I can get it (will you deliver it, or will I have to go to you?). Also, suggestions on how to wrap such a thing? Please help, I am down to the wire on this thing and I don't like being this late with a gift!!! /quote] http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pit/1145392897.html [quote]Woman to sit in my bath tub full of noodles, wearing a bathing suit. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: 2009-04-29, 1:39AM EDT I will pay you $1 USD to sit in my bathtub full of noodles while you wear a one piece bathing suit. I will not be home, nor will anyone else while you do this. I will leave the key for you, and you will sit at your leisure. I will require at least a 5 minutes stay. A neighbor will watch the front door from across the street and using a supplied stopwatch, will time your entry and departure. Please supply your own footwear. The noodles will be cooked, and therefore slippery. DO NOT bring any sauce. I will season the pasta after I return home prior to dinner. "

6/8/2009 8:18:45 PM

Quote :

"Need Bricks moved (Raleigh ) Reply to: job-zngzc-1214888405@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?] Date: 2009-06-10, 1:38PM EDT I need 240 bricks moved into a truck. Each brick weighs about 45 pounds each so you need to be able to lift. Experience; At least 3 to 4 years experience in moving heavy objects Education: Bachelors preferred. * Location: Raleigh * Compensation: 6 hr * This is a contract job. * Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. * Please, no phone calls about this job! * Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests."

[Edited on June 10, 2009 at 3:45 PM. Reason : .]

[Edited on June 10, 2009 at 3:45 PM. Reason : tags]

6/10/2009 3:44:55 PM

Ok, suspending disbelief enough here to accept that maybe that woman was oblivious enough to not know what a rusty trombone is, I find a few other things hard to believe:

1. That she's been all over town to pawn shops and music stores looking for a rusty trombone and no one has told her what the husband really means.

2. That she doesn't know that brass objects don't rust.

3. In the highly improbably scenario that all the pawn shop workers didn't know what it means, they also did not know that brass doesn't rust.

Craigslist - more bullshit than you can stand!

6/10/2009 4:06:02 PM

that and a google search will set you straight pretty quick

6/10/2009 4:48:50 PM

Quote :

"You were sitting directly across the bar - 25 (Jackpot) Reply to: pers-4h4ab-1214152645@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?] Date: 2009-06-10, 12:04AM EDT You had black framed glasses and seemed kind of quiet. I was loud, with friends, and yapping with the bartenders. I am not good at talking to people I don't know.. Email me if you know what I'm talking about. "

6/11/2009 1:35:02 PM

Quote :

"You were sitting directly across the bar - 25 (Jackpot) Reply to: pers-4h4ab-1214152645@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?] Date: 2009-06-10, 12:04AM EDT You had black framed glasses and seemed kind of quiet. I was loud, with friends, and yapping with the bartenders. I am not good at talking to people I don't know.. Email me if you know what I'm talking about. "

6/11/2009 1:35:02 PM

man shit if ppl write creepy shit like that i'm gonna start doing that like daily

"i had to get a burger. you ordered a frosty. you are hot. email me if you ate at wendy's today"

6/11/2009 1:37:41 PM

Quote :

""Need Bricks moved (Raleigh ) Reply to: job-zngzc-1214888405@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?] Date: 2009-06-10, 1:38PM EDT I need 240 bricks moved into a truck. Each brick weighs about 45 pounds each so you need to be able to lift. Experience; At least 3 to 4 years experience in moving heavy objects Education: Bachelors preferred. * Location: Raleigh * Compensation: 6 hr * This is a contract job. * Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. * Please, no phone calls about this job! * Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.""

Where do I sign up? I'll bet he wants them in a half-ton pickup too(you do the math).

6/11/2009 1:41:52 PM

regarding the rusty trombone

Quote :

"The first recorded usage of the term was on the set of TV series Sesame Street"

according to wikipedia

6/11/2009 1:46:29 PM

I need someone to make me a CD (Raleigh)
Reply to: sale-7jx7g-1218057842@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-06-12, 12:15PM EDT


I need about 15 songs downloaded onto a CD I have the song list...

Send me your price...timeframe...and where we will meet to exchange cash for cd!!!!


Thanks

* Location: Raleigh
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests



PostingID: 1218057842

6/12/2009 12:23:56 PM

I ain't tryin' to be sexist, but that is a chick, guaranteed.

6/12/2009 12:24:57 PM

Quote :

"Tipi Wanted Reply to: sale-bnzey-1219811044@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?] Date: 2009-06-13, 1:44PM EDT TIPI WANTED FOR OUR LOCAL HILLSBOROUGH ECO-SPIRITUAL GROUP To use for healing ceremony, retreats and bi-monthly meetings on full and new moons http://www.gaiasmatrix.com "

6/13/2009 6:55:38 PM

colter

still lives in a teepee i think, it's friggin awesome

6/13/2009 11:30:23 PM

Quote :

"RE: to the folks of the free dogs (Durham) Reply to: sale-33za2-1218003469@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?] Date: 2009-06-14, 12:12PM EDT GET A LIFE. Get a real job and a real life and then maybe u wouldn't have to give up on ur dogs. Now, ur dogs are going to die in a sheler bc u can't get ur life straight and care for them. You shouldn't have had a child, if u can't care for a dog. REALITY CHECK. But, of course ur on well fare. So, u can't pay for ur child either. "

6/14/2009 12:27:13 PM

Quote :

"u ur bc u ur bc u ur bc u ur bc u ur bc u ur bc u ur bc u ur bc u ur bc u ur bc"

maybe the author should get a life

6/14/2009 1:31:27 PM

Bust my bunghole bunker with your Weapon of Ass Destruction - w4m - 29 (Durham)
Reply to: pers-8pzhu-1223947640@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-06-16, 8:16AM EDT


Do you have a hardened missle that needs to test fire (like most male drones)? consider initiating a launch sequence where it hones in on my sphincter target and pierces through. Put your Titan 8 model into turbo-thrust mode for at least half an hour before its central processing unit commands it to release its massive payload and explode within the confines of my silo. Launch a coordinated invasion with repeated strikes of your two external fuel tanks against the periphery of my bunghole bunker. Show me your destructive power and make me recoil in shock and awe because of what your precision, laser-guided weapon is doing to secure the broader peace. Be locked and loaded and ready to push the red button at the perfect moment. If you're like North Korea, with a Weapon of Ass Destruction but not quite sure what to do with it this afternoon, send me some top-secret schematics of the missle and its human launch coordinator and we'll see what we can do to release your excess stockpile of liquid explosives into a safe docking station. While my silo is capable of expanding to accommodate the largest weapons and multiple payload deliveries, my vocal cords are likely to experience catastrophic failure and go haywire with extreme vocalizations and a decidedly filthy level of feedback for any listening devices within 200 feet of the military action. Interrogate me harshly. Disregard the Geneva Conventions. Make me scream out a broadcast warning to the Axis of Evil. Bring it on! Bust my bunker! Do it until Mission Accomplished. Do you roger that you fucking bastard?

6/16/2009 11:37:29 AM

damn

6/16/2009 11:58:14 AM

Quote :

"Reply to: pers-wzyzk-1222397662@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?] Date: 2009-06-15, 11:26AM EDT If you are in a monogamous lesbian relationship and are interested in starting a family, let me help you out. I am a laid back guy who understands your dilemma and would like to help. I am discrete and 100% drug and disease free. If you are interested in conceiving a child without the intervention of high priced doctors and lawyers, give this natural alternative a consideration. If you are interested, email me. "

6/16/2009 1:05:43 PM

^
lol.... I've thought about posting something like that...
I also considered offering "free counseling to bi-curious lesbians"

6/16/2009 1:12:40 PM

Quote :

"My son is turning 16 and really wanted Lil Wayne to perform for his birthday gala. Unfortunately his schedule will not permit him to make it. I need a Lil Wayne impersonator desperately. Here is the kicker my son is blind so you do not need to look like the rapper just sound like him. I understand he grunts and mumbles a lot. I don’t care if you are 67 and Jewish if you can sing the songs you’re hired. Money is not an issue. Name your price. Interested individuals please let me know your rap experience, video of you performing as Lil Wayne would be better. If that is not feasible we can arrange for a live audition. Serious inquiries only, this is very important to my family. Young Money Baby! "

http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/doc/tlg/1218083689.html

6/16/2009 6:09:49 PM

^Which senator has a blind son?

6/16/2009 6:12:08 PM

what the fuck?

6/16/2009 6:27:14 PM

Quote :

"Mobile Computer Device (Kiosk) Assembly (Prototype to Production) (Marietta, GA) Reply to: job-kdd3d-1219534493@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?] Date: 2009-06-13, 10:57AM EDT We are currently working on building a Mobile Computer Device (embedded system or Kiosk). The engineer who was working on the project is not available due to his personal reasons. Here are the characteristics of the device: • Light weight (preferably 3 lbs) • Microprocessor: Fanless, energy efficient and high performance. (Alix3D3 or Atmel or better) • Large touch screen (We already bought 14.1” LCDs) • Able to Scan documents such as driver’s license • Able to read Credit cards in order to charge the user (usual amounts around $20 - $50) • Able to take pictures. Resolution about 2 Mega Pixels will be sufficient • Speakers • Secured • Wireless network • Stylus Pen (capturing signature) • Rechargeable Batteries • Should be able to play sound files • Sleek and pleasing appearance • Users of the Kiosk can be aged between 10 years to 80+ years. The device should be easily operated by users aged 80 years or over. • Able to run Google Android • Total cost of all the components together should be around $300.00 We need some help on the following: • Build the prototype: We have the touch LCD 14.1”. We were using Alix 3D3 Motherboard. We need help in selecting components and assembling them together • Load OS (we may get the Google Android to be built by someone else) • Test Electrical aspects of the design: This involves testing the battery, internal wiring, etc. • Production: Help with production and finding the appropriate component manufacturer Here are skills/capabilities: • Should have the professional expertise in building embedded systems such as Kiosks • Organized, detail oriented and communicate project status regularly • Reply to emails ASAP • Goal oriented and get the job done with the lowest cost and highest efficiency • Work within the deadlines • Understand that project requirements are never written on stone and it can change. However, at the moment we are confidant that the requirements mentioned above are pretty much it • When there are hurdles, you should be able to find alternative solutions quickly and move-on • Adaptable to changing environment • Take-up Challenges • Recommend components and vendors If you have the required skills and abilities mentioned above, please respond with your resume and compensation expectations. Thank you for your time. "

i wonder what these kids are making? I kind of want to email them just to find out.

6/16/2009 10:36:57 PM