What is a good time period after a couple begins dating? I know it varies from couple to couple but I just want to get an average time. To me, I feel it should be about a year of dating before moving in together. Thoughts?

1/26/2006 7:38:39 PM

Marriage.

1/26/2006 7:40:22 PM

When you get sick of each other.

1/26/2006 7:41:22 PM

^^

1/26/2006 7:44:49 PM

yeah im with the coz on this one. if you are not planning on getting married soon, dont move in together.

1/26/2006 7:49:16 PM

definitely go for a rented place together first before a house

"To me, I feel it should be about a year of dating before moving in together."

If thats what feels natural for you and whoever you're dating, then go for it.

1/26/2006 7:49:49 PM

hey I've got an idea

why don't I come to TWW for things that I should probably figure out on my own!


maybe next you'll be asking us to give you marital advice

1/26/2006 7:50:17 PM

If you support your self, you think you will get married and it will save you money go for it.

1/26/2006 7:50:28 PM

Quote :

"Marriage."

I couldn't agree more. Been there, done that...and I won't live with somebody again before I marry her.

1/26/2006 7:51:53 PM

my gf unofficially moved into my apartment after about 5 months of dating. basically her house was 2-3x further away from wake tech so it was mostly for her convenience. we've lived together for around 2 years now and havent had any problems.

it really just depends who you are, who they are, and how you both view relationships. it really didnt seem like that big of a deal to me.

1/26/2006 7:55:38 PM

Marriage.

Everything else is concubinage.

1/26/2006 7:55:55 PM

Marriage or never.

1/26/2006 7:57:22 PM

and that is most certainly a law that you have to abide by!

1/26/2006 8:00:05 PM

when i first started dating my husband, we couldnt live without each other, he moved in with me after a month, we lived together 2 years before we got married, and we've been married almost a year - never had a problem whatsoever, and yeah its probably one out of a million

1/26/2006 8:04:25 PM

Married couples who live together prior to marriage for any significant time period have much higher divorce rates.

1/26/2006 8:12:29 PM

depends on the couple
depends on the situation

1/26/2006 8:13:35 PM

why are a lot of people saying after marriage?

frankly, i am surprised by such answers coming from you guys. they would be expected from people in asian/arab/muslim countries, but why people in the US?

i am not suggesting it is better to move in; i have never been in the scenario myself, so i don't know. but for those saying after marriage, what's the reason?

1/26/2006 8:16:47 PM

uh. i knew a girl who had her b/f move in after 2 months. let's just say it wasnt too pleasant for me and the other roomie living there.

1/26/2006 8:19:21 PM

Quote :

"frankly, i am surprised by such answers coming from you guys. they would be expected from people in asian/arab/muslim countries, but why people in the US?"

they'd like for their relationships to not fall apart?

i'm planning on (officially) moving in with my bf this summer, but there are many things we'll have to talk about, and i'm still warming to the idea. I think a lot of young folks just have this idea that living together doesn't require planning or communication, and that things will be hunky-dory on their own.

1/26/2006 8:24:18 PM

because marriage requires a level of maturity and commitment. Its not like there is some magic number of days that you have to date before you can move in together, thats idiotic. When you actually move in together, and you no longer have the option of at least one night a week laying in your own bed by yourself, life becomes oh so much harder. THen you are both living in a small apartment, you have no secrets, no place to hide, very little time for yourself. If you are willing to commit to marriage, then you probably have a desire to make things work. If you are not willing to commit to marriage, then you should probably wait a while before moving in together.

1/26/2006 8:26:56 PM

I don't think I want to live with anyone before marriage, but I may end up changing my mind when I'm actually in a serious relationship due to convenience or what not. I just feel like if you've been with someone a year, you should know if you want to marry them or not. If you're so wishy washy about it that you need to live with someone to decide, then they're not the one for you.

1/26/2006 8:28:41 PM

Quote :

"they'd like for their relationships to not fall apart?"

well duh, i can see that.

but my question is, why would they fall apart? if they would fall apart before marriage, then they would fall apart after.

also, why is it that if you live together before marriage, there is a higher chance of divorce?

1/26/2006 8:28:50 PM

Quote :

"also, why is it that if you live together before marriage, there is a higher chance of divorce? "

Lack of committment. A lot of couples move in together without giving it much thought, and then think that since they can live together relatively well that the next obvious step should be marriage. Or they move in together and when things get tough they get married thinking it will solve their relationship woes.

1/26/2006 8:31:33 PM

Are you prepared to clean up after him?

I think it teaches you how to compromise and communicate with each other. I think a lot of marriages/relationships fail because people are not willing to give things up for the other.

1/26/2006 8:40:27 PM

cohabitation doesn't teach you anything that marriage wouldn't.

1/26/2006 8:42:45 PM

All you guys are way too pessimistic. My g/f and I have been dating for 2 years now, and we've lived together for a year and a half (minus the summers). We're both mature and level headed, and haven't had any major problems. Neither of us are slobs, and we both share the work load around the apartment.

I'm a big proponent of living together before getting married. I don't want to get married, then move in to find out the girl is a lazy slob or something. And unless there's a study or cited statistic that proves couples that first live together have a higher divorce rate, I'm not going to beleive it. Show me your sources.

1/26/2006 8:47:01 PM

Quote :

"hey I've got an idea why don't I come to TWW for things that I should probably figure out on my own!"

1/26/2006 8:48:15 PM

asking people for relationship advice on TWW is like asking your mechanic to perform open heart surgery.

1/26/2006 8:52:32 PM

so you're saying that if you were committed enough to a woman to marry her, you'd leave her if she were a slob?


It's that kind of lack of committment that leads to the high divorce rate. What happened to "for better or for worse" ?


Here are some stats I found by a quick web search.

Quote :

"In 2004 there were 5,080,000 unmarried couples in America. Most younger Americans now spend some time living together outside of marriage Over half of all first marriages are now preceded by living together, compared to virtually none 50 years ago. (Bumpass and Lu, 2000) Between 1960 and 2004, the number of unmarried couples in America increased by over 1200% About a quarter of unmarried women age 25 to 39 are currently living with a partner and an additional quarter have lived with a partner at some time in the past. 1 in 3 single women choose to live with their partners before marriage, compared to 1 in 10 in the 1950's (Whitman 1997). Cohabitation is far more common in other countries such as Sweden, Denmark, Canada and some Latin American countries (Seltzer, 2000, Hall & Zhao, 1995). More men and women are moving in together, sharing an apartment and a bed without getting married first and doing it more openly today (Waite & Gallagher 2000:36). Nearly 50% of those in their 20's and 30's cohabit (Bumpass & Lu 1998; Bumpass & Sweet 1995; Sweet 1989). Cohabitation has become the normative experience today. The median duration of cohabitation is 1.3 years (Bumpass & Lu 1998; Wu 1995). (For an overview of the length of cohabitation of those who visit this site, see the "Cohabiting Couples Survey" on the bottom of the Home Page.) Long-term cohabiting relationships in America are far rarer than successful marriages (Bumpass & Sweet 1989: 615-25). Couples who are less educated, have a low religious orientation, and less economic resources are more likely to cohabit (Seltzer, 2000; Amato, Johnson, Booth, & Rogers, 2003). Low levels of religious importance/participation are related to higher levels of cohabitation and lower rates of subsequent marriage (Markey 1999; Krishnan 1998; Lye & Waldron 1997; Thornton, Axinn & Hill 1992; Liefbroer 1991; Sweet 1989). (For an overview of the religious faith of those who visit this web site, (See the "Cohabiting Couples Survey " on the bottom of the Home Page.) Cohabitation rates are 8.2% for Mormons, 20 to 24% for Protestants, 23.1% for Catholics, 32.5% for Jews, and 44.8% for nonreligious Americans (Mims 1999). The probability that the first union takes the form of a cohabiting arrangement is highest for Jews and lowest for Mormons. Although a Jewish upbringing is associated with marrying at a later age, the probability of early formation of a union, broadly, defined, is the same for Jews and Catholics, and is only .3 points below the estimate for mainline Protestants (Lehrer 2000). (For an overview of the religious faith of those who visit this web site, (See the "Cohabiting Couples Survey " on the bottom of the Home Page.) Cohabitation rates are 4.1% for those aged 15-19, 11.2% for 20-24, 9.8% for 25-29, 7.5% for 30-34, 5.2% for 35-39, and 4.4% for 40-44 years of age (Natl. Center for Health Statistics, 1995). The Census Bureau finds that cohabiting is most popular in the 24-35 age group, with 1.6 million couples. The next highest number of couples -- 931,000 -- are in the under-25 age group. Those not completing high school are nearly twice as likely to cohabit as those completing college. Some 30 to 40% of college students are cohabiting at any given time. 41% of women without a high school diploma cohabit whereas, 26% of women with college degrees cohabit. Marriage for cohabitors is positively related to higher levels of education and economics. (Qian 1998; Bumpass & Lu 1998; Johnson 1996; Thornton, Axinn, Teachman 1995; Willis & Michael, 1994). (For an overview of the educational achievement of those who visit this web site, see the "Cohabiting Couples Survey " on the bottom of the Home Page.) If a couple abstains from sex before marriage, they are 29 to 47% more likely to enjoy sex afterward than those who cohabit . Sexual satisfaction rises considerably more after marriage (Hering 1994:4). More women cohabit than men, but men are more likely to cohabit serially (Bumpass & Sweet 1989; Teachman & Polanko 1990). The average length of a cohabiting relationship that does not lead to marriage is 12 to 18 months (VanGoethem 2005:183). Half of cohabiting relationships end within one year due to the couple either becoming married or separating (Seltzer 2000). Within the first two years approximately twenty-nine percent of cohabiting couples separate compared to only 9% of married couples. (Bumpass 1994). Within five years from the beginning of a cohabitation relationship more than half of these relationships will end even if the couple had married during that time (Seltzer 2000). Long-term cohabitation is rare: most couples either break up or marry within five years. 57% of cohabiting couples dissolve within ten years when compared with 30% of all first marriages (VanGoethem 2005:77). The risk of divorce after living together is 40 to 85% higher than the risk of divorce after not living together. In other words, those who live together before marriage are almost twice as likely to divorce than those who did not live together (Bumpass & Sweet 1995; Hall & Zhao 1995; Bracher, Santow, Morgan & Russell 1993; DeMaris & Rao 1992 and Glen 1990). Cohabiting couples have a rate of separation that is five times that of married couples, and, in the event of separation, cohabitors have a rate of reconciliation that is only 33 percent as high as that of married couples (Binstock 2003). 50% to 60% of first time cohabitors marry the person with whom they cohabit. 76% report plans to marry their partner, but a lower percentage actually do so (Brown & Booth 1996 and Bumpass & Sweet 1989). 10% to 30% of cohabitors intend to never marry (Bumpass & Sweet 1990). Those who cohabit more than once prior to marriage have much higher rates of later divorce - 26% for women and 19% for men (Brown & Booth 1996; McManus 1993; Stets 1993; Thompson & Colella 1992). 30% of cohabiting couples have been previously married (VanGoethem 2005:183). An indicator of commitment to partner – sexual exclusivity – is lower in cohabitors after marriage. Women who cohabited are 3.3 times more likely to have a secondary sex partner after marriage than non-cohabitors (Forste & Tanfer 1996). Over a quarter of unmarried mothers are cohabiting at the time of their children's birth (Bumpass, Raley and Sweet 1995:425-36). Half of currently married stepfamilies with children began with cohabitation and two-thirds of children entering stepfamilies do so in the setting of cohabitation rather than marriage (Bumpass, Raley and Sweet 1995:425) Cohabiting couples have an 80%+ chance that their relationship will end. (40% breakup before they marry; the other 40% divorce within 10 years of marrying.) About 40% of cohabiting households have children (U.S. Bureau of Census). (Also: see the "Cohabiting Couples Survey " on the bottom of the Home Page.) Those who experience disruption in parental marriages, especially women, are more likely to cohabit (Axinn & Thornton 1993; Kierman 1992; Black & Sprenkle 1991 and Bumpass & Sweet 1989). (See the "Cohabiting Couples Survey " on the bottom of the Home Page.) The U.S. Justice Department found that women are 62 times more likely to be assaulted by a live-in boyfriend than by a husband (Colson 1995). Cohabiting women have rates of depression 3 times higher than married women (National Institute for Mental Health). Nearly 25% of cohabiting women suffer from neurotic disorders, compared to 15% of married women. Cohabitors who never marry have 78 percent less wealth than the continuously married, and cohabitors who have been divorced or widowed once have 68 percent less wealth. Cohabiting women are more irritable, anxious, worried and unhappy (Ciavola 1997). Four out of every 10 cohabiting couples have children present and of children born to cohabiting couples, only 4 out of 10 will see their parents marry. Those who do marry experience a 50% higher divorce rate (Horn 1998). 25% of Americans believe cohabitation is morally wrong (VanGoethem 2005:184). 25% of additional Americans has some moral qualms about cohatitation (VanGoethem 2005:184). 20% of Americans over age 60 who approve of cohabitation (VanGoethem 2005:184). "

http://members.aol.com/cohabiting/facts.htm

[Edited on January 26, 2006 at 8:54 PM. Reason : s]

1/26/2006 8:53:32 PM

Quote :

" I don't want to get married, then move in to find out the girl is a lazy slob or something"

If that sneaks up on you, you're a fucking retard.

Quote :

"And unless there's a study or cited statistic that proves couples that first live together have a higher divorce rate, I'm not going to beleive it. Show me your sources"

You know that its common knowledge that couples who live together first have a higher divorce rate. Well i guess it isnt common to morons.

[Edited on January 26, 2006 at 8:59 PM. Reason : .]

1/26/2006 8:58:24 PM

With the divorce rate being around 50% for the general population, i don't think living together is quite the death sentence that it made out to be.

I definetly do not wish anyone to be a child bride. Thats like people rushing to get married just so they can have sex (I know several couples that did that).

1/26/2006 9:00:21 PM

I stay over at my boyfriend's pretty much every night; we've been together over two years. However, I don't keep clothes over at his place. The only thing I have over there is a toothbrush. I have my own place and don't spend all my free time over there. I only stay nights.

Good luck if you're thinking about moving. I know couples who have been together over 4 years and i think they would break up if they moved in together because they would argue all the time. I think its all on an individual/couple basis.

1/26/2006 9:02:06 PM

I read the divorce rate fact in a book for some Family Psychology class I had.

1/26/2006 9:03:54 PM

Quote :

"Married couples who live together prior to marriage for any significant time period have much higher divorce rates."

correlation != causation

very likely, those who cohabit don't have a very high regard for the importance of marriage anyway and so are more prone to bailing out when the going gets tough. Waiting until marriage to move in together will not increase these people's chances of sticking it out.

Quote :

"And unless there's a study or cited statistic that proves couples that first live together have a higher divorce rate, I'm not going to beleive it. Show me your sources"

the studies are a dime a dozen. its a well known fact. do your own research before asking for sources on something this well-known

1/26/2006 9:07:50 PM

My fiance and I dated one another for nearly 2 years before we moved in. We decided to move in together when we realized that we were never spending a single night apart and this had gone on for months. When we moved in together, we moved somewhere with a roomate that we could afford if one of us moved out. Then after we survived that for a year, we decided to move in just the two of us.

[Edited on January 26, 2006 at 9:29 PM. Reason : edit.]

1/26/2006 9:13:20 PM

^^^^arguing is a part of life though, god my grandparents argue 3000 times a day and have been together for 50 years, same with my husband and I, we argue all the time, but its part of life, just like you and your parents (arguments occur daily if you talk with them) no one has the same opinion as another, but this doesnt mean that you cant live with another person due to an argument, if so, there is no hope for you in life

i know if there was a day that didnt go by that i didnt argue with my parents or my husband, i would feel quite odd, and it may seem weird, but if you realize that life consists of 10000000s of disagreements, then you can live with another person no prob

[Edited on January 26, 2006 at 9:14 PM. Reason : ]

1/26/2006 9:13:46 PM

ive lived with 4 girls...and in my experience, shortly after moving in together...shit changes quick and starts going downhill.

1/26/2006 9:14:06 PM

^^ uhh... maybe that's how it is for you, but I only get into an argument with my gf maaaaybe once a week and its usually less than that actually

i think, truth be told, you're just an argumentative bitch

1/26/2006 9:16:33 PM

if you can't live together when you are seriously dating, what makes it seem that you can live together once you have a "paper" saying you are married? I think couples have no intention of moving their relationship further probably shouldn't move in together, but it seems reasonable for a couple who has intention of marriage to have some sort of "trial run" I know of one couple who seemed perfect and wanted to get married, make babies, whatever, and then lived together...the guy turned out to be a total pig when he lived with her, expecting her to pick up after him and do his laundry, make dinner every night and do the dishes. He thought it was "women's work." This was when they were both in school, both had the same workload, etc. It is just like friends moving in together, you think they are great and then they become your roommate and its no good. Wouldn't you want to find out these things about people before you make a commitment to spend the rest of your life with them?

1/26/2006 9:16:36 PM

At least a year. Minimum.

Whatever you do, rent an apt together before going in on a condo or house if yo'ure going to move intogether.

Honestly, i wouldnt say a set time period or event (like marriage or engagement), but untill you two essentially are already living together. The way bottombaby did it was definately a smarter route than other couples i've seen.

1/26/2006 9:17:03 PM

Quote :

"i know if there was a day that didnt go by that i didnt argue with my parents or my husband, i would feel quite odd, and it may seem weird, but if you realize that life consists of 10000000s of disagreements, then you can live with another person no prob"

I hardly ever argue with anyone. I hate argueing. I think I would be tortured to live in an environment like that.

1/26/2006 9:19:55 PM

Quote :

"^^ uhh... maybe that's how it is for you, but I only get into an argument with my gf maaaaybe once a week and its usually less than that actually"

that's a lot

1/26/2006 9:28:01 PM

Im convinced, all of you are A) stupid and B) have lost your minds.

1/26/2006 9:36:26 PM

I don't get in arguments. I just express my obvious contempt by ignoring people.

1/26/2006 9:38:08 PM

didnt you say recently you were new to dating?
how are you knew to dating and about to move in with someone?

1/26/2006 9:39:06 PM

Quote :

" the studies are a dime a dozen. its a well known fact. do your own research before asking for sources on something this well-known"

I'd never seen/read of one. Like you said though, correlation does not mean causation.

1/26/2006 9:40:28 PM

my husband and i moved in together after we had been engaged for 5 months. we lived together for 7 months before we were officially married, and it has been the best time of my life. it was definately a great idea. we know alot about each other and how to deal with each other so that we could focus on the marriage and not everything all at once like would have happened if we moved in together right when we got married. it was great for us to live together, but it isn't for everyone. i think it needs to be a committed relationship for it to work how it should.
~skip

1/26/2006 9:40:38 PM

the answer is:


it depends.

1/26/2006 9:41:28 PM

#1 choice: Upon marriage. You don't have to live with someone to know you'd get along okay if you are planning to marry the person. If you don't feel sure enough about it, don't get married.

Marriage is a bond-for-life agreement between two people. If you look at marriage as something that you can just break off at any time you probably shouldn't marry.

#2: Upon engagement. You're committing to your SO almost to the extreme you are with marriage. Engagements are broken a lot, but it's also a more mature commitment than just a bf/gf thing (unless you are "engaged" but without the ring).

#3: When you believe you want to spend your life with the person, but you have circumstances that prevent marriage at the moment. If this is the case, your best bet is to do a rental where you can give a two-month's notice and get out if it goes to crap. If you sign a lease make sure you both have paperwork where you agree to pay rent and utilities, so you have something if you have to take him to court.

Personally I prefer marriage. However, my husband and I lived together for 9 months prior to ours b/c of various situations that made it the most logical decision at the time. We were engaged at the time, and 5 yrs into our relationship, and had known we were going to get married from probably like 3 months into it.

1/26/2006 9:55:54 PM

take it from me, G. not until Marriage.

1/26/2006 9:57:18 PM